still going on

[VAC]

A lot is going on here. very much so. V.

[VAC]

Hello,

I have come to realize brokenness is a part of life whether I want it or not. I truly have nothing to give that is worth anything but my heart and love. There are a number of things that give me great pleasure.

Even at my age, I enjoy driving. I would like to have a road car as I once had when I was young. My big thing was small British sportscars: I had a 1959 TR3 Triumph and a 1973 Triumph GT6. The 59 was Dark British Racing Green; the 73 was Pimiento Red.

One more time I would like a five speed that connected me with the road. I am a very good driver...this is a wish, not a necessity.

I am an erudite who loves the country side. Life seems bogged down right now. There are things my wife wants to see in this world and I would like to take her. She deserves anything I could ever give her. I wish you all knew her. I know this sound stupid, but I don't want her to get old. She has always been so beautiful. I need to prosper so I can keep her up. A few years ago she cut her hair short and allowed the gray to come out and I honestly almost got hysterical. It does not matter if I get old.

We are in such an odd situation.....it is not healthy for either of our children to live in this city of my ancestors in which we have been grounded since the late 1700's. There are a number of reasons for this that would translate into what we call "bad blood". Our daughter lives closer to us; our son almost 4 hours away. They both need us. In a perfect world we would live in the same area. I am a conflicted parent in that part of me dreads being around my children and the other part mourns because I am not near them.

I spent a great deal of our married life traveling....my love language to them was gifts and dining, serving them, seeking to know what the desire of their hearts looks like.

I used to live to work with the sun on my back. The heat was my friend, gave life to me. The Sun and The Ocean were almost deities to me. I would love to be able to work in the sun with my hands in the good earth, then leap into the hypnotic comfort and massage of waves and currents.

I was raised riding.....I have not ridden since I was in my early 20's. I would like to ride one more time.

I marvel at my children, at the people they have become. My son is the best man, husband, father I believe I have known. My daughter is a domestic goddess who can't put down her books and forward motion. Both of my children have mates who adore them.

Just recently I have had dreams and images from the past flitter through my mind...sort of like going into a room with no windows but many holes in the walls and ceilings through which light dappled through. It has been realization. I can't go back and change things. God have mercy on my soul.

I am letting my hair and beard grow out again....it is a power trip for me I think. I am too old to have hair and I have a lot of it. It is all white now.

If you are living outside the states, don't believe anything the media is telling you. It is a colossal trainwreck of warring coalitions of Marxist organizations: it is bad and I don't know what will become of us. Perhaps we will have to fight to survive.

If there is every an isurvive conference, I would like to know. I would like to see you all face to face.

Thanks....

[VAC]

Hello,

Recently i have been focused on new memories of the damage I did in the lives of other people. Went through a season of life wondering when someone would shoot me.

I have remembered the words I said and the things I did for which I am so very sorry.

I allowed myself to watch a movie I would never watch.

I will once again visit an unmarked grave....

Lately I have been less focused on what others did to me and on what I did to hurt others.

I have had very early memories, and things I had forgotten down through the years. No wonder I drank and drugged.

Today I vocalized to my wife, "I am tired of being in this place in which too many people are in my business." My wife knows it is the truth.

Her father just died. She was completely left out/ignored. He was wealthy..

[coconuts]

Listening VAC. It sounds like you are doing some soul searching.

Sorry for your wife.

I find it interesting sometimes where the points if pain come. From being hurt, or forgotten, to being the one causing the hurt. It causes injury to our aoul. Not that it cant be healed, just that i think we underestimate the damage.

Wishing you well in healing those points. If finding peace with yourself.

Coconuts

[quixote]

Good to see you in here VAC.
quixote

[VAC]

Hello to all after so long a time,

Life has been busy, very busy, emotionally tiring, and somewhat combustible it seems. I have celebrated the joys of life and mourned the passage of dear friends. You will learn at my age friendship is a profound gift, especially those that endure.

I do not deserve the wealth of love I have received in my life, but I am so very thankful. I know that many survivors are isolated, and for that I am truly sorry. I think that because of the past we leak, perhaps more than others. I want what leaks out of me to be good and not poisonous.

Lately I have had the image of going to a local attorney who helped us at critical time and tell them the whole story. I don't know why I want to go. I don't know if it would damage them. I did not lie to them....I just could not tell them everything for my own sanity's sake at the time. I think I want them to watch my back in this community. You would have to live here to understand.

Since I wrote last, my wife's mother died. She was wealthy as well. She was quite the woman. She made a special effort by slap my wife in face after she died by having her will delivered to our front door by a sherrif's deputy, so my wife could read in graphic terms she was not loved, not wanted, and that the only grandchildren the old lady would every have were nameless and ignored. This has been a long ride from Hell with these people. My greatest regret is that I did not land on them 30 years ago.

My wife served both of her parents for over 20 years of our marriage and then had to escape their presence due to their unabashed hate....it was vitriol. The stories I could tell you would seem impossible to a rational mind. My wife is a forgiving heart.

I believe one day she is going to tell me she is a survivor.

Here is the main reason I am writing tonight....yesterday in our post was an old envelope with no name or address in our post. The handwriting is that of an old person with an unsteady hand. There was also a term of endearment based on my spiritual life.

Inside was an old photo of me standing a wading pool holding a ball looking back at whoever was taking the picture. I was in our old backyard. The only thing missing was my much loved German Shepherd, Rex, who was my constant companion until a few years later.

I remember when the picture was taken, but I can't remember quite who took it.
I probably have a copy of this picture stashed away, but this one was in the hands of one unknown to me....

The back of it reads', "VAC, 19 months old, Daddy's Pride and Joy"
This was written in my Dad's characteristic scrawl, and I knew he had written it. I can remember well before I was one. This was shortly before the time my older brother died.

This is before my Dad began to abuse me. He was such a conflicted man.

So, this is a personal family photo.....everyone in my extended family is dead, or so I know. I have known since was 12 I had family here I knew nothing about, but they knew me. I had my DNA done a few years back and 2/3rds of my DNA I am clueless as to the origin. I might add I am related to many people here one way or another.

My father's mistresses are dead...the last and youngest one may still be alive but I doubt it.

I like to remember my dad before he went bonkers. I won't get into the maze that developed in his life, but we have truly wondered if he has a split personality.

The mystery of this,of what it is, what it says, and how it appeared has had a significant impact on my inner man. I believe I have met my younger half brother....my dad told me he wanted me to meet a young man he was trying to help. We favoured each other some. He gave me the same line I heard from a number of people, "Your dad is the only father I have ever known.....". I looked at him, don't remember exactly what I said, but I can stare holes in steel, and I think I said something awful like, "How wonderful for you." The fellow got very nervous.

I asked my dad about him a couple of weeks later and he told me he had moved....I ask him where...he said he just left.

I have a few cousins still living who are much older than me, and I can't imagine any of them having this personal photo of my dad's. Another factor is that I know the handwriting of everyone who might have access.

I had this laminated today and put it in my wallet.

Thanks for listening....I have had the premonitin of being in litigation because a will I knew nothing about had showed up and I had to make the decision to fight it or settle out of court. I know that sounds weird, but I am weird.

I think I am going to have this envelope laminated as well.

Hope everyone here is healed and healing....

Peace

VAC

[Chessgirl]

VAC,
Meant to respond to this awhile ago. I know you are one of the old timers, but I have enjoyed reading though some of your threads. I find your writing very wise and inspirational and real.

I’m sorry your wife has had to go through that. Sounds like such a forgiving and special woman.

Can relate to what you said about wanting to remember your dad before he went bonkers. Has my dad changed more than ever over the years. Some where over the years, he really became broken. An empty shell. Delusional as ever. He wasn’t always like that. Used to be full of spirit and have unique interests. Loved music and horses and western movies. He was goofy and made us laugh. My mom has really done a number on him. He’s not even allowed to pick out his own meal at restaurants or his own outfits when they go out. Such a shame.

Thanks for popping in with us here! Wishing you peace and comfort.

[VAC]

Thanks Chessgirl,

My dad is a mystery in many ways. I know this sounds nuts, but I asked one of my older aunts what was wrong with him. She told me she did not know outside of the obvious I know about him.

She told me that when he was a teenager, he ran off with a camp of gypsies who came through the county with a fair. She and one of my other aunts waded in and snatched him up.

I know my family lied to me. I/3 of my DNA is Mediterranean. That is not logical to me numerically and I am considering having it redone by another provider with one showing my DNA links. also 1/3 of my DNA is Scandinavian.....again, unknown and unexplained.

Enough of the great mysteries.

I am doing well enough....

Thanks,
V.

[Kokoschka]

Hello VAC
I'm quite new here so we haven't met yet. Just read through your latest posts. Sorry to hear how your good and kind wife has been treated. You can always count on your own family to step all over you.

Anyway, you write beautifully.

Kokoschka

[Truth teller]

Hey old friend,
Good to see you still around. Hope your family are making the best of things in this weird weird world we are in. We aren't jetting around anymore right now. Just staying safe and warm at home seems to be the best thing. Just want to tell you I hold you and your stories in my heart. You are heard and valued.

stay well,
Truth teller.