There: 2019

[there]

Hi, Noname,
Really good to read your post.
It went pretty well. P has a habit of telling me what to do, 'get the back door, put this in the fridge', etc.
At one point, I did sarcastically say, 'Yes, Ma'am!' And she reacted a little , like a parent to mouthy child.
And M, who lives here, started it last night. And told me about Tula, like she knows best about my dog!
I felt angry after that.
P might listen to reason. With M, I will probably distance myself. This makes it lonelier.
Had a low dip again this a.m.
Have to get it together to take Tula out in my favorite-cold weather. It's not the cold itself i mind. It's how it affects me.

Teaching today, pocket riders are welcome (df, I know you're ready).
Need a balance in class and to not let children also boss me around.

[there]

on computer at library where I work.
Really need to pull out of this low.
Anger is the umbrella
my tears burst out beneath

really have had a hard time wanting totry today

have to try to be upbeat for students today.
And have to be on my toes in many ways for class.
Universe, please help me to move ahead,somehow, even when I can't see in front of me, even though I cling to what isn't good for me.

[coconuts]

Hoping the rest of your day went more positively. Been thinking of you

[dancingfish]

there, hearing you and these hard times, hard emotions. You betcha I was pocket riding with you yesterday, too. :)

Something I heard earlier this week, about how sometimes all we can do is make a space where healing can happen. Just make a space - breathe, one foot in front of another, looking after yourself as best you can. Perhaps a helpful thought for you, as what you're experiencing is possibly more healing that just needs its space? Sounds painful and difficult though, as these things so often are.

Hm, and P sounds a little, strident, perhaps? Sometimes it can help to point out the humour of this, or at least I found myself grinning at your "Yes ma'am!" retort. :D Wonderful! Really, who likes receiving orders in that way? Kind, thoughtful requests can go a long way, or perhaps P could have said "It would be really helpful for me if you could..." etc. Perhaps P has their own fears, usually what makes us a bit uptight and abiding by our own set of strict rules. Sad it had to have an impact on you, though. Really not what you need!

Thank you for sharing image of Tula being gleeful on the beach, frolicking around. :) How lovely! Hope your trip had many a bright moment to chase away the loneliness you're feeling, too. With you, there, and thinking of you even when I don't seem to be around!

Take very good care now. You can do this, you're clever and resourceful and just the best person. :) With a bundle of hugs to you. <3

[there]

thanks, coconuts, dancingfish,
for your caring thoughts.
really appreciate knowing.
Feeling the black sheep pain of family and societal realities at holidaze
can't even describe, cuz will cause even more pain and have to do my best to care and love there
never going to swim in the shallow end of life, learned that lesson.
one good thing about suffering long and deep is having a lot of open ocean to sink or. swim in.

happy painsgiving to me! cheers

[there]

I'm dead.
Feel much better now.

[coconuts]

Nothing wrong with a good back float sometimes. Then you can rest and watch the birds over head or the stars in the sky

I've always been the black sheep in my family. But determined it's okay. I'd rather not be like them anyways. Holidays are weird for me. Full of painful memories and rejections. Yes I've tried to create my own positive memories but still it's like there is a shadow on them all.

But you know we could make a wonderful flock of beautiful black sheeps together.

[dancingfish]

Sitting with you, there. I like the way coconuts describes past things as casting shadows on the now. That can be painful to sit with, perhaps forming thoughts and ideas in our heads that aren't nice, and aren't true. Or there's just sadness, as what we'd like didn't happen and isn't quite there yet in the here and now. It was unfair, and wrong, and we didn't deserve what did happen either.

So, sitting with you here, understanding it's a difficult time. I'll happily join in being part of a black sheep flock of beautifulness with you all, though. :) That's a wonderful idea, coconuts!

[there]

Thank you both, coconuts, dancingfish,

Yeah, agree about the shadows. I guess this is also current pain about family events - a recent wedding, Thanksgiving....
I won’t go because of triggering. My Dad being there would usually be enough to make some of these things survivable.

Hurts. Try to not be like me. Black sheep have it relatively easy. I’m fine with that. They, including my siblings’ kids, will depend on seeing me in the scapegoat role. Warmth? Ha!

So I feel betrayed by brother, who does try. I told him this: if he were in my shoes, which will never happen, I’d make sure he wasn’t isolated or undersupported.

Plus little kid in class triggered me.
I was assertive with a friend who has been rude.

I have to let go of hopes of being treated well.

Appt. w voc rehab counselor tomorrow. Have changed plans. Seriously not sure I want to be in this if she’s mean again. I got my teaching job, other jobs, jobs totally without their help.

I'm so used to feeling bad, it's hard to feel confident in anything better.

edited 1x for content--there

Feels impossible to help myself sometimes.

Music and piano is becoming more my own expression again. A place of refuge.

[there]

yesterday and today have been better.
Making some more adjustments, changes.

Thank you so much for being here for me when it gets so stormy I can't see.