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[Flifflo]

Hello Fleur,
I think I am depressed, generally but this part of the family at this wedding is difficult for me. They have a tendency to trash people behind their backs and I know they have done that to me and I am very sensitive right now and it exacerbates my feeling of being on the outside or weird. Part of this is my issue. I often feel like people are saying things about me behind my back. But also they do talk about people negatively and I just don’t feel strong enough right now to be around that. I’m not sure if they are my friends or not. Or maybe they are my “friends” but they think there is something wrong with me or I’m weird or overly-sensitive or, whatever. It’s all about my feeling outsider-ish and not included. I’m kind of aware that this is some flashbacky stuff for me. It’s all made worse at the moment by not totally feeling like my mom is in my corner. I think I’m just a really raw nerve right now. I think things are coming up from EMDR? I’m remembering things and making connections like wildfire.....and, it is making me feel a little better to get some of this off my chest here, although I’m also feeling very surreal at the moment. I read something another survivor, Alisa from Healing Honestly wrote in relation to the memory retrieval that I loved and thought was so appropriate “it’s getting all Memento up in here”. So true!!

Thanks for the tip about checking out the venue. I was thinking I might have some reason to leave early but I think I will be going there with my husband, mom and brother so it will depend on how they feel. My mom isn’t a real late night person and this is an evening event so maybe she’ll unwittingly help me escape. I will be working with my T on some strategies and/or maybe she can help me feel less sensitive about it all?? Any help would be good. I’ll survive at any rate. Thanks, Flifflo

[Flifflo]

Feeling a bit better today. Talked to a 3D friend about all of it who was very understanding. I think it brought me back to the present. Still wary about the family interactions but feeling a little more grounded today. Less strange. Just tired.
Thanks, Flifflo

[Flifflo]

....And, now I feel like kind of a jerk for assuming things about others and assuming they see me negatively. It’s totally my insecurities magnifying any perceived insult or rejection. Definitely going to work this out with my T. I seem unable to stop myself from spinning out of control thinking others perceive me negatively and then I realize later that I was totally wrong. I think often they aren’t thinking anything about me and are occupied with their own stuff. I realize I’ve been doing this my whole life. I guess I have a pretty strong self critic. And I think I’m sliding a little backwards right now bringing up all this old stuff of mine. :/ Work-in-progress! Humbly, Flifflo

[Xanthia]

Hi Flifflo,

I think we often misread people because we view life through whatever lens / mood in the moment.

Great idea to discuss with T.

I've learnt many people are too busy with their stuff to think about me.

May you enjoy rest of weekend. Wishing you a highly productive session with your T.

With care,

[Flifflo]

Thanks Xanthia,

I really appreciate your levity. Especially as I feel I am all over the place. I read what I wrote and don’t even feel like the same person today. Thinking maybe it’s my inner child coming out and as I write this it seems like that is kind of obvious maybe. I guess that’s what a flashback kind of is. Just noticing it all more now. Now that I’m aware that these are things with me.

It sucks that I feel I can’t really talk to my mother about these things but I am very thankful for the people in this forum. Many wise and helpful things have been written here. Yes Fleur, I think it is helping save my sanity. It’s really kind of unbelievable that I’ve been going through life like this without knowing what was happening with me. And thank God I’m on this path of understanding. And thank God for my T session happening tomorrow. I’m so ready!! Wishing you all peace and comfort, Flifflo

[Xanthia]

Hi Flifflo,

One thing I did with a T was speak my truth to a stuffed toy sitting on another chair which eased some of the pain.

It also helped me to use a puppet to represent my inner child.

It is not a one way only "fix" with trauma - each individual is unique, and what is useful for one person or situation might be more harmful (or simply not help) for another or at a different time.

Happy for you that you'll soon meet with your T.

With care,

[Flifflo]

Ok. I said this elsewhere but I want to say it here too. Just had a discussion with my mom about my abusive babysitter. She told me I was even younger than I thought when he watched me. 4 or 5. Holy crap!! Ok!! Makes so much sense!!!! I knew something happened to me younger!! So I guess it was probably all him. It’s such a big relief knowing that! And I felt like I had a real discussion with my mom and she actually got it! The gravity of what he did to me. We’ll see if she totally remembers this conversation later. It just felt so good to have that information. Feeling validated. Ahhhh. Thanks for listening. Flifflo

[coconuts]

Sometimes it's the little details that help. Like I kept thinking I was four or five when some of mine started with my step mom but the marriage happened when I was 6 so I was very confused by this. Then I learned that she moved in for a year before they got married. And then dated for a while before that even. I felt such a relief having the peices click in the way I thought they did.

[Flifflo]

Coconuts, right?!? I thought of you as I believe I read your post about trying to work your age out. Totally related to how you felt about it. Yes! It’s about those puzzle pieces coming together. My T says I don’t need to know all the details in order to heal. I’m like “Ok but it just feels really good to know that”. Maybe she never experienced that feeling of being so unsure but so sure about something. And then finding out you were right!! It does feel good. Or relieving. I’m not sure which.