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Sorry to hear that Johnram. I started this post after a session. I think that’s why I was flooded with anger. I’m glad you find it helpful. I’m here listening when you’re ready.
I’m sorry your anger turns inward EasyStreet. That hadn’t occurred to me. Perhaps many others feel that way and that’s why I don’t see many angry tirades here.
I’m going to get this started Johnram. Maybe it will help set you and some others free. Not feeling as raged tonight but the sentiment is still there.
My rage feels a lot like my teenage anger. I was mad at everyone during those years and while that can be somewhat typical my anger went further than your average teen angst.
I drank until I blacked out starting at 12 years old. It felt good to feel nothing. I had sex at the same age. Because I think I thought that was the only way to get a boy (probably especially a teenage one) to like me. I was very messed up and dysfunctional. And I was desperately lonely and desperate to be liked. I got drunk at school. I’d drink before class.
I was especially mad at my mother. While my father deserved the lions share of my anger I knew I couldn’t direct any at him or he would be instantly gone. Out of my life. I knew my mother was sticking around so maybe it was safe enough for me to get angry with her. I have had guilt over my anger towards my mother as an adult. Partly because she let me know that I was kind of mean and unfair to her. That is somewhat true and somewhat untrue. That anger (and disappointment) returned recently. I now realize that I had some justification for it. And now I am letting myself feel it without remorse. And it feels good. And it feels alienating too. All of the adults around me. They sucked. They did a shitty job. They neglected me and set me up as a target for predators.
I did not know all of this until now and now I’m pissed about it. Not only did they set me up to be messed up or with. They have criticized me for being the way I am. Sensitive. Obsessive. I know I’m that fucking way!!! No fucking wonder!!
Told my brother. Again. Trying to get him to help me figure out how old I was. Still not sure if it’s 6 or 7. First. “What did he do to you.” I didn’t feel like answering. Then, “did you tell Mom?” .......And walks off. He can’t deal with it. And then it’s just like it never happened all over again.
Just like my mom. “What EXACTLY did he do to you?” I don’t know mom, he fucking molested me!!!! Isn’t that Enough?!?!?!?! Do I have to prove something to you?!?!?!?! So now that I’ve gone over my 3 swear words I’m in an ST rating. That’s way less than the other night. I’ll keep it going....
My T said girls who are neglected by their fathers are susceptible to being predated because they are looking for male attention. My mom always said I was always a flirt. BECAUSE MY DAD FUCKING SUCKED!!!!!! DUH!!!! These things were not normal!!!!! And you guys all fucking sucked.
I say “leave me alone” in my head on a regular basis. What’s up with that?!? And why do we have to prove that somebody fucked up our heads?!?!?! THAT pisses me off too!! Can’t you just believe what I’m telling you and believe me when I say it fucked me up?!? Like for my whole life?!?
Ok. That’s about enough for me now. That’s where I’m at. And I still don’t want to go to this fucking family wedding. Ugh. I’m done. Flifflo
Oh I understand that rage. I wish I could feel it more. It just flares up in flashes. Usually it's either turned inward or I'm terrified of it.
You deserve to be angry, you have the right to be angry. You were not protected and cared for in a way that helped you be successful. And it sounds like when you did fall apart as a teen no one stepped in and tried to figure out why.
I'll have a go.
Me I'm angry at my foo. So angry. They all, every last one of then let me down. No one ever took the initiative to protect me. The common thread was neglect, ignore, and pretend I didn't exist. I believed their lies for so long. They convinced me of my worthlessness. They robbed me of my sense of safety. Anywhere. There is no where that I truly feel at peace. And all so they could what? I don't even fucking know. Stroke their own egos? Pretend they were good people. They aren't. They can still fake it as much as they want but they screwed up and big time. They had the opportunity to care for a love a child. And they stuffed me away in a room or sent me away. And they purposely turned their backs. How could they. How could they hurt and neglect their own flesh and blood. How could they pretend to not know. To not see. I know what evil is. And they delivered me right into it's open arms.
I don't want to be strong or amazing to have survived. I want to be normal. I want to sleep without nightmares of being raped, or worse. I want to go a single fucking day without this shit intruding. I want to love and be loved without this wall of fear and doubt between us. I don't want this and it's not fair. Nothing would ever make it fair, nothing will ever make it right. I have to pay the price for their cruelty still. It's not okay. It will never be okay.
I’m so sorry coconuts. It’s not ok. It never will be. And it sucks to feel unseen. And it sucks that we get stuck with this crap. And it’s not fair that you have to pay for their inhumane behavior. I hear you.
Warmly, Flifflo
Last edited by Jonesy on Thu May 23, 2019 8:36 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason:Changed MT to NT, as no triggering content
in someone's night.