The Need to Say It

[ArsenalFan]

Hi, I've recently joined and I'm still unsure if this will help. However, I'm currently fighting off cancer for the second time. When I was first diagnosed in 2000 the knock on effect was severe depression. Until that depression I had forgotten, suppressed or just ignored the abuse that I had gone through as a child. Even during counselling sessions with a Community Psychiatric Nurse (to whom I owe my life), I never admitted to or mentioned my childhood experiences.
Since that time I have never been able to forget that time in my life but was content to put it away in my brain and get on with life as a cancer survivor. Divorce, bankruptcy and a period of street homelessness followed but I picked myself up and the last five years have been good. A change of location, new social circle, good friends made and a sense of self worth.
Last year the cancer returned to kick me in the teeth and I have recently had surgery. The return of the cancer has for some reason, stirred up my emotions about my childhood experiences and I'm struggling with them. I'm 52yo now, I don't know whether I'll get the outcome I want in this cancer battle but I have a need or desire to tell someone what happened to me, admit my feelings and my guilt.
I'm not sure it will make sense but I think I am apprehensive, maybe even scared to talk about it but I don't want to die with the secret, without saying 'Hey, this happened to me'.
Please don't misunderstand if you're reading this, I am positive about beating this disease again, I have too much to live for and I'm not finished yet, I have a lot more to give and a lot more to do but, I'm beginning to feel that overcoming this hurdle may help me to get through this.
Sorry this is an essay and if anyone here has taken the time to read it then I thank you very much. I will take some time to read more posts and I hope that I will find this community is the place for me to unburden myself.

[coconuts]

It is absolutely for some of us vital to just get it out. It is like poison in our system keeping our abusers secrets all this time. It's a burden we bear but shouldn't have to.

Feel free to share when you are ready

[jimscarlet]

You obviously have a great deal of courage,I wish you more of it as you face this double-
barrel mountain to climb.Little me sends you safe hugs.
Deepest Respect,
jimscarlet

[EasyStreet]

All the best to you, survivors can be pretty tough old birds, a boxing metaphor.

We cheer and we cry for ourselves and each other.

[Kenazandisaz]

Welcome ArsenalFan. I hope you find what you need here.

[Jonesy]

Hi ArsenalFan

A warm welcome to isurvive