I am new

[Flifflo]

Hello all,

I am new here. Definitely relate to the “my abuse wasn’t bad enough” statement. Honestly I am very confused and in a constant state of disbelief.I just recently started emdr therapy. I didn’t know that the abuse was going to be so prominent in my mind. I thought it was all about my dad leaving. I have minimized it. The abuser I remember was a babysitter. Also, I wonder if there was abuse I have totally forgotten. I suspect that I may be a master at disassociation. I’m looking for clarity. I want to know if others feel the same as me. I definitely have implicit memories of trauma. I read about the symptoms and think “Yep! It me.” And now I finally know why I have such a ridiculous startle response. I mean really ridiculous. I can’t help it. And as I write here now I feel unsure that I belong but at the same time relate to many things I’ve read. I am utterly confused. Also, I apologize if I say anything triggering. I’m kind of ignorant to all of this. Just learning. I was either 5/6 or 7 when what I remember happened. Thank you for being here. I think I made it so you can’t see my name and I don’t know how to fix that right now so I’ll just tell you. I’m Flifflo. Thanks.

[Jonesy]

Hi Flifflo

A warm welcome to isurvive

[Flifflo]

Thank you Jonesy

[Xanthia]

Hi Flifflo,

Welcome to iSurvive.

Having recently completed a cycle of EMDR, i was blown away by what popped up, totally unexpected. Please be very kind and gentle with yourself. Although the memory might be new, the event occurred long ago, may you be able to distance, timeline to give perspective.

Wishing you very well in all respects.

With care,

[Flifflo]

Thanks for that advice Xanthia.

My T is on vacation which maybe is kind of good. I feel like I get so depressed or just wonky after a session. It’s a very strange experience. And to feel like Maybe I don’t know what happened to me is. Don’t even know how to describe that sensation. Tho I have read many posts of similar experiences. And the more I read about other’s experiences here makes me feel like something happened to me very young that I don’t remember. And maybe I never will?? But the symptoms and behaviors that I feel I’ve always had are awfully similar to things I’ve read here on isurvive. I definitely know some things my babysitter did. But I feel like my behavior and my body are telling something worse than my actual memory. And I don’t know really how old I was. I remember having recurring nightmares, among other things, as early as preschool. I feel like “what the hell happened to me?!?” Or am I just making this up? I don’t know. The mind is a very bizarre thing. Playing tricks on me. I think. I know it’s happened before like with my abandonment by my dad. Didn’t even know that hurt me until I was in college and had to go to group therapy. And that’s really what I thought I was going to therapy for now. But then this came up. And I feel a bit like an imposter. I’m looking for answers and thought this forum might help. Talking to people with similar experiences. Because it seems like anyone who hasn’t experienced the weird ways abuse and neglect affect someone couldn’t possibly understand. I don’t know what I think. Thanks for reading.

[Xanthia]

Hi Flifflo,

A T explained that the earlier trauma occurred, the more likely that is our foundation for everything else in life. Therefore, for those adults who had a reasonable childhood (given nothing is perfect - a "good enough" family life) trauma affects them differently because their brain has developed without early abuse/trauma. For those of us whose brain development included early trauma, we'll likely experience trauma in adulthood differently, deeply because the event taps into literally old stuff.

I agree with you that unless someone has studied and/or observed/experienced early abuse, trauma - it is hard for any understanding. The number of times a well meaning person has said something like but that happed X years ago - forget it, forgive, move on - when whatever I've just shared has been a really new memory feeling like it only recently occurred - well, I'd be living in a mansion now if i had a few dollars from each one.

There are false memories, that's true. There are also memories i don't want to be true. Fragmentation, unable to recall details, doesn't discount the truth of the event.

May you keep yourself safe, grounded in the present moment, as these memories arise.

With care,

[Flifflo]

Thank’s for the understanding Xanthia. It’s all a bit scary and disorienting. And exhausting. And so strange. I’ve had people say that to me too. That I needed to move on. In regards to my dad. And it always bothered me and made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I always felt like “you have no idea what I went through!!” And on that note, I don’t think anyone should ever tell someone they need to move on. How the hell do they know? It irritates me when I hear people minimizing someone’s experience. but now it’s making more sense why I felt that way. It was more than my dad abandoning me. Mom too in her own way. One of my re-occurring nightmares was a total abandonment dream where they left me to fall off the side of a cliff. It’s more than that and a dream totally from a child’s perspective. I still remember it well. Anyway, I’m thankful for this forum and your responses.

[Fleur]

Hello Flifflo


I'm glad you found this forum - it has literally saved my sanity at times

I recall dreams, nightmares, similar to what you share. Involving a big cliff. Until relatively recently, I'd exonerated my mother, referred to her as a victim of my Dad's stuff too. She was. However, Mum was also, perhaps unwittingly, another of my abusers. It is still hard for me to say, to acknowledge

May you find your way to express your feelings about early trauma, then - in your time - at your pace, do what is best for yourself


Much caring

[Flifflo]

Hello Fleur,

Thanks for saying hi. I’m sorry you’re Mom wasn’t there for you. I’m honestly really really struggling with that right now. Because my mom has been my rock and when she gets knocked off that pedestal I feel like my whole world comes crashing down and there is no one I can trust. It’s definitely complicated because she has been. My rock. But, for instance, when I recently asked her for my old babysitters last name (trying to put pieces together) she said “What exactly did he do to you”. I don’t know mom. He molested me. Isn’t that $@%#* enough?!? Why do you need details?!? Obviously it had an affect on me. Do I need to prove that to you?!?

She doesn’t seem concerned that it may have affected me so much as she seems concerned that I may be blowing it out of proportion. He was with me for a whole Summer every weekday. Don’t you think her concern might be if something more happened? I once said to her that I don’t think he had intercourse with me and she said “of course not, how could he? You were too little.” Im like what planet are you living on that you don’t know that people do that to little kids?? Really??

I’m sorry, I’m on a bit of a rant and needed to vent. I need to see my T again. Coming up this Monday, thankfully. I feel like it’s not soon enough. I have a family wedding coming up in a week and I’m dreading it. For lots of reasons. I need some help getting through that. Totally depressed right now. I put ST because I’m not sure how triggering this is for people so just to be safe for others. Thanks for listening. Flifflo

[Fleur]

Hello Flifflo


Can very much appreciate what you share about your mother. Mine was totally shocked when news reporter said person had molested toddlers

One nice thing about this space is that we can vent

It's great to know that you are seeing your T on Monday. Maybe you can brainstorm strategies for when you attend wedding?

Are you depressed generally speaking or do you mean "only" by the prospective wedding?

Although I haven't had to use them at the time, I've visited family wedding venues prior to the day in order to plan escape routes, locate bathrooms, etc. Only once was I asked for my reason to look around, when I truthfully responded I was attending a wedding here soon. I left the owner/manager with whatever role impression they chose WITHOUT saying any actual role - except the time I was to be chief bridesmaid when I legitimately needed to know how the event was planned


Much caring