Letting go

[dancingfish]

Oh that sounds great, honeybera. :) How lovely to find your garden growing so well! Congrats on the good sleep schedule too, and reconnecting with your cousin B. It sounds like you want to reach out more to other people! Hope you can find perhaps some more support if your gout flares up again? That sounded very difficult to deal with.

Well done though on continuing to make this brighter and more rewarding life for yourself! :)

[honeybera]

Sometimes life is so hard! It sort of sneaks up behind you and gives you a fresh and heartbreaking THUMP. Today I got my letters for renewal of my dog's licenses. Ms. T and Butterbutt were among them. I cried when I opened it and saw Ms. T's name on the first letter and again when I had to erase both of my very beloved dogs from the online licensing system. SO SAD for me! I miss them both so much!!!! They will never be forgotten!!! But it's just one more "ending" that I didn't anticipate.

I managed to finish weedeating the entire backyard (garden and dog's yard) yesterday. A few touch-ups are needed, but not much. It's ready enough to stick a couple of squash seeds into already filled SmartPots and then everyone gets a bit of fertilizer and a nice big drink, including the carrots, peas, and citrus. I whacked down SO MANY weeds yesterday!!! I'm going to spray the front east lawn with RoundUp EARLY tomorrow and Thursday. The wind, usually blowing at around 10-15 MPH, will be nearly non-existent at that time, more like 1-4 MPH. Then the temps. heat up to WAY over 80ºF in the hotter afternoon, both days!! That should do it for the front yard weed problem!!

==================================================(evening)

I just found your post, dancingfish! Hi!

How lovely to find your garden growing so well!

Oh, it's looking MUCH better! Poor DS has a fever and a pain in his side, so he's taking the day off and resting. (A very good idea!) But it also means that he can't help me much, either. I need him to do some heavy lifting out there, but I'll take care of other things out there in the meantime that I can do by myself. It's all moving in the right direction, and that's a good thing. I'm finding that I'm never, ever bored! There's always something to do!

Congrats on the good sleep schedule too, and reconnecting with your cousin B. It sounds like you want to reach out more to other people!

I'm doing much better on sleep, thanks! I haven't spoken with cousin B. again, nor have I called my cousin R. But yes, I do want to reach out to more people. I have quit going to my T, but only for now. I am still unraveling my scrambled psyche though, using the online T's that are on youtube and speaking of narcissism which is actually helping me understand MD's screwed up narcissistic thinking processes. I don't condone what she's done, but I can understand it and love her (as one would love one's mother), yet never go near her. Kind of like what you'd do with a hand grenade found with the pin pulled: you'd keep your distance and allow other's to handle and defuse it. Poor MD is kind of like that bomb with her rages and even her nasty, mean little digs, and I dare not go too near. It would be foolish.

Re: her birthday on Thursday. You can't say I haven't agonized over seeing her. It probably means more to me than to her. DS suggested that we simply call her instead, and I like that, I'm comfortable with that, so if DS remembers on her birthday, we will call her. Sing her happy birthday, DS can talk to her a bit, and I can listen. I'm feeling very much at peace at doing it that way. If he forgets about it, that's ok, too. Either way is fine with me. I'm just not willing to leap belly-first onto a live grenade. Common sense prevails.

Hope you can find perhaps some more support if your gout flares up again? That sounded very difficult to deal with.

I'm taking my Tart Cherry capsules along with some Celery Seed tablets (both have no carbs at all) and that seems to keep it down...for now. The liquid Tart Cherry juice concentrate is the best really, but it has way too many carbs for me - UNLESS I am in the middle of a "flare". Then it's an ounce of the liquid and about 8 oz. of water and a bit of liquid Splenda or stevia (both 0 carbs) and some ice and I drink it with a straw and watch some TV. That little combo totally eliminates a hideously painful flare within a very short time. It still hurts, but at least I can hobble around the house without screaming in pain or falling. I have my canes now, too. (I found the old one just as the new replacement one was delivered - isn't that always the case?)

Well done though on continuing to make this brighter and more rewarding life for yourself!

Thanks, dancingfish! It sure beats depression and confusion by a mile! Time to get some sleep, though, so I don't miss these next two RARE days of windless mornings so I can FINISH up the front yard RoundUp spraying. I should have done this years ago! Once the paving stones are in, my house will not only have more "curb appeal" but will also eliminate weeds! I can deal with an occasional one or two, but an entire field (or two) of the weeds standing more than 12" high in my front yard demanding mowing attention is more than I wish to deal with! So for the upgrade project of the paving stones, fence, and freestanding patio roof topped with solar panels, the RoundUp is the first step and starts tomorrow morning. It will look so nice and be so practical once it's all completed!

Nighty night...sleep well, as I will, too.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Well, I made my decision. I skipped MD's 90th birthday. DS had a fever of 104-105º, depending on which ear we took it in, and I'll be damned if I'd make an hour and a half round trip (plus the visiting time) while my DS is so sick (or even a phone call to her with him). He deserves better! He slept the entire day away. That was my reasoning, plus the Mueller report came in, so I had something to watch on TV. The day just sort of slipped by while I waited on my poor sick son. Now it's 9pm and is way too late to even call.

Turning it over in my mind, though, this turned out to be a very good thing. I don't feel a bit bad. I know that my dear brother dutifully came and sang her happy birthday and brought her a cake and a present. After all, he got my parent's entire estate, so let him serve as the Golden Child as well. He's earning every bit of it. But had I gone there, I know darned well what would have happened. Even afterwards, when I had gone, she'd say to the nurses and anyone else that would listen that her children came to wish her well. While I was there (and not home taking care of my own sick son) she would have said mean and crappy things to me covertly or under her breath. (By now she knows better to not to take me on head on! Driving a transit bus for 25+ yrs. taught me how to deal with the public and problem passengers!!) Why waste my time like that?

But I have avoided all that. I sang her happy birthday in my head. I hope she really did enjoy her 90th birthday and loved seeing my brother when he came by the nursing home he forced her into many years ago. I may call him later and see how it went, but I'll NOT go see her myself. It would be pointless. It would be the same old thing. Narcissists like her do NOT change...EVER! What a pity that is, but it's no longer my game to play. I don't like being the target in that game. So I've opted out.

Ah! My chicken cacciatore smells like it's done. Time for dinner. {{{{{{{{{{{{Love you all!!!}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


Really hoping your son feels greatly improved by now. It is horrid to feel poorly but especially when it is perhaps one of your nicest months

Sorry to read about flare up of gout. Glad you have found a fairly easy remedy to ease pain

Your garden sounds beautiful, a real credit from all the time and effort you and son put into making it so

Can well imagine how hard it was to read four dog names on council list when two only are with you. May they enjoy happy very long lives

Wishing you and son a wonderful visit with cousin/s should that occur

Definitely agree with you about Les Carter as he explains the ins, outs, etc of narcissism

May you enjoy something special this long weekend


Much caring

[honeybera]

Hey Fleur! Always nice to hear from you.

Really hoping your son feels greatly improved by now. It is horrid to feel poorly but especially when it is perhaps one of your nicest months

Yes, he's feeling much better by now. He has another big convention next month, but this time he'll be within driving home distance (and he has a car), so no worries. He does intend to go next year to the distant one by plane, but I'll have my needs all taken care of, just in case. I'm compiling a list of senior care helpers to help out in case of emergency and will go thru them during the coming year before he goes. I never want to go through that again with the gout attack, that's for sure.

On the matter of health, I FINALLY figured out the WHY of why I'm not losing weight on this WOE. It seems to work almost magically for others, so I've been researching it and have finally found my answers (that make perfect sense). I have been doing it for several weeks and the weight is coming off!!!!! HUZZAH!!!! I'm no Twiggy yet (a mid-1960s English runway model for you youngsters ), but I can really see a difference already. With this amount of weight to lose (and let's face it: at my age, too), this may take me a couple of more years to accomplish, but no problem. It's easy enough to do. STRICT keto + OMAD + exercise. That's it. Even for ME. And time. Lots and lots of patience and time. And good eats and NO hunger! And even for an old warhorse like me, IT WORKS! Plus I had to give up any "fat bombs" or ½-1 cup of heavy whipping cream (HWC) each day drunk in a "bulletproof coffee" (really in my case a LARGE cuppa chocolate flavored cream + A COUPLE T of water - so yummy, but not good for me). So some true self-honesty and some work indoors on my "overwhelming tasks" (thanks {{{{♥Mark Twain♥}}}}) or outdoors in my "lovely garden" (still a lot of work to do out there...HEAVY work instead of HWC!!) is serving me very well.

And for a 72 yr. old T2D with rampant arthritis in all my joints (even gout), an enlarged heart, cataracts...the whole works due to the diabetes, to simplify my diet to a choice of pan-fried or baked chicken, fish, pork, or beef with an allowed veggie (or veggies, but very controlled) and butter, lard, coconut oil, or mayo (homemade, of course) and a "dessert" (Keto friendly muffin or maybe an almond flour "biscuit" to go with my dinner's soup), I'm eatin' good in the neighborhood! And it keeps me "full" (read: NOT HUNGRY) until the next meal the next day! Works for me! Heck, it's noonish right now and not one single hunger pang or anything and my last meal was at 5pm yesterday! I love this WOE!! I could NEVER have done all this fasting without the "lack of hunger", and the hunger (and the T2D) comes from eating too much glucose. Just one large soda contains...oops! I'm getting preachy again. Sorry about that.

Sorry to read about flare up of gout. Glad you have found a fairly easy remedy to ease pain

That liquid TART cherry concentrate (Amazon) works for me like a charm when the gout pain becomes noticeable! I do couple it with Celery Seed tabs and it works even better. I also take daily (to avoid future flare ups) a capsule of 1200 mg of tart cherry since it has no carbs and also a celery seed tablet. So far, so good. They also recommend "LOSING WEIGHT", which I am trying to do. "Weight loss" also CURES diabetes! This is the reason my WOE is so important to me to improve the quality of the last years of my life. My goal? Slender, healthy, stress free (or as close to that as is possible), and happy. Nice goals to have.

Your garden sounds beautiful, a real credit from all the time and effort you and son put into making it so

Well...sort of. It is still a work in progress, but at least there is progress! I got most of my front yard weeds annihilated, on the west side at least, and one long strip done on the east side, but I do have more to do. I saw that tomorrow morning the wind speed is a mere 2 mph!!! From 7am clear up until 11am!! So my biggest chore today is to get in bed AND TO SLEEP SUPER EARLY so I can FINISH UP SPRAYING the RoundUp on the last of the lawn FIRST THING IN THE MORNING. YAY!!! I'm also spraying the whippy weeds on my fence to kill them, too. I find that I can't spray in the backyard because it will kill the trees or anything else around it. But the front yard is MINE!!! MUAHAHAHA!

The heat is already back in this next week (tomorrow and for a while) in the 90s!! I literally cheered to see that 2 mph wind prediction! Spray in the early morning, COMPLETE THE JOB, and let it bake in in the 93ºF afternoon! PERFECT!! From here on out (late Spring until Fall), I need to habituate myself to EARLY MORNINGS working outdoors (or even garage work) and indoor work in the afternoons. Nice new a/c indoors!!

I'm also battling the urge to QUIT things before they're finished!! This goes way back to MD. I quit Brownies before I became a Girl Scout. All my friends became Girl Scouts, but I just stopped doing what I needed to do to achieve "flying up". I missed my 6th grade graduation party due to not turning in a report on Alaska. It was in my desk and complete, but I told my teacher that I hadn't done it and was left behind in the 5th graders class. The end product of "learned helplessness": eventually, even when the dog's cage is removed and it is free to run, it still sits there, enduring the shocks given. When led off the cage's bottom, the dog will return. MD had my entire childhood and even into adult life to drill into me learned helplessness, and she did a good job of it. Once out of her home (married at 18 - OMG!!! ), I continued to call her long distance (even while on welfare) while she continued to play her narcissistic games. Oh, I am SO GLAD I missed her stinkin' 90th birthday!!! So very glad!!!!!

But TODAY'S challenge is to see the sun go down and think: IT'S TIME FOR BED SOON!!! Then I can begin to prep for bed and I can wake up at 6am instead of 11am and take care of MY OWN BUSINESS that is important to ME!! I've been exercising a lot (cut up all the cardboard boxes in the front room + did cleanup in the backyard yesterday), went to bed by midnight, and slept a solid 11 hours yesterday (great for the WOE) until 11am today. (Psst! Those are also "fasting" hours since I'm not eating in that time. ) But I have decided to discipline (teach/train) myself GENTLY AND KINDLY to get up in the early morning, take my pills and a quick shower, and get out there in the yard (or garage) and GET BUSY!!! AND NOT NOT NOT BECAUSE OF MD's SHAMING, BUT BECAUSE IT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO!!!!! I don't want to slowly and dutifully walk back up onto that cage floor and sit patiently while continually being shocked. Nuts to that!!!!

I just realized that this was the person, this uppity tiny person, that MD gave birth to at 17 and whose spirit could not be broken. OMG, she tried!! And tried and tried and tried!!!! As a true narcissist, I must have driven her crazy!! And I'm eternally glad that I did!!! It saved my own sanity. I don't doubt that she has crippled me in many ways over the years of daily physical and mental and emotional abuse at her hands, but I'm still standing!!!!!!!!!! And now I can gently "re-parent" myself with the kindness that I learned from my grandparents. Thank God for them!!!

Can well imagine how hard it was to read four dog names on council list when two only are with you. May they enjoy happy very long lives

Thank you, ♥Fleur♥! From your mouth to God's ear! I do love my dogs.

Wishing you and son a wonderful visit with cousin/s should that occur

I'll try to give R a call today and maybe a call to B tomorrow after the spraying! She's available in the afternoons. Great idea! Thanks again!

Definitely agree with you about Les Carter as he explains the ins, outs, etc of narcissism

Oh, you saw him! Great! There are many T's out there doing YouTube on narcissism, but in my opinion, he's the best (for me at least). UNDERSTANDING the reason that MD was MD helped me a great deal to let go of her, especially the blaming/shaming of me all these years. I really see the need to MOVING ON now more clearly and about how I am continuing all this for apparently NOTHING. I need to do FOR ME, not keep blaming her, even if she is to blame. (AND SHE IS!) But if I keep blaming her and stopping there, it keeps ME stuck, and that doesn't really help me at all. If I hear the old Inner Critic shaming me incessantly, it's from the basis of her actions IN THE PAST, but it's MY recollections that are driving it forward into the NOW. Perhaps I should simply rename her on here from MD to IC (Inner Critic) since the IC is the only one influencing me in the present!!!

Was she/IS SHE still a nasty person? Oh you betcha! But she's not really the one in my head. It definitely does help to UNDERSTAND HER and her atrocities brutally piled on me as to the WHY she did it, but I'm the one responsible for maintaining the horrors I went through. From time to time I still feel the need to dump, and I am SO grateful to all of you here for allowing me to do so, but I really need to take the bull by the horns and wrestle with my own inner self inflicted punishments and self induced cripplings by my own thoughts. It needs to be understood why she did it in the first place (HER OWN raging narcissism), analyzed by me (and absolving myself of any guilt/shame), letting it go and moving on in my OWN best interests/choices! No more cages for me!!!!!!!!

What we are is our parent's fault, but if we stay that way, it's our fault.

I used to hate this saying, but I'm understanding it more and more every day.

May you enjoy something special this long weekend

Thank you, dear friend! I hope you had a nice Easter weekend, too. So many did not. May they find peace and comfort as well.

My chores/tasks/blessings await me. I am lucky to have them and grateful for them!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Hey Everybody! I'm taking a break from the "weed lawn destruction" today. While I was not looking at the east side front of the house, those diabolical WEEDS grew like crazy with long slender seed stalks that came suddenly bounding up, TONS of them all across where I haven't sprayed the RoundUp yet. Most of it is done with the RoundUp already, and in those spots it's all brown with nothing showing, but the brown stuff is all I can see from my front door. I'm going to have to weedeat again, but it won't take long this time. I'm gaining on the problem out there, but it's heading towards the high of 93ºF today and it is hot out there already and the wind is picking up and causing the RoundUp to wander all over the place instead of hitting the ground like it's supposed to. So I have chosen to wait for a better day to spray the rest. NO GUILT OR SHAME here! Just a decision to do a better job whenever that is possible due to weather.

I have also decided to do that weedeating tonight when the shade comes across the "lawn" and it begins to cool down. We're in a slight heat wave here right now. In July it's like this every single day or worse, so lots of time to take on the garage in the morning and the house inside in the afternoon. I am determined to get these things done and working on it on Mother Nature's schedule.

I cleaned out the bird baths last night and refilled them with water in one and wild birdseed in the other. Both are right by my WOW (Window On the World - a fancy one-way window film setup for my sliding glass door in my bedroom that N put in for me so I can see out but nothing can see in during the day), so the birds can't see me watching them eat and drink from less than 2 ft. away. SO NICE! I also have blooming (all year long) large salvia bushes in 3 different colors right outside my WOW, so I can easily see the hummingbirds and butterflies partaking there, too. Very tranquil and pleasant while I sit at my computer or watch TV. There is a brightly colored blue jay out there right now nervously gobbling up the sunflower seeds in the wild birdseed mix. I need to really work on this view a bit and tidy it up, but overall, it is very pleasant to look at. Ah! A little sparrow has come now. I love my WOW!!! ♥

I also have a 10 ft. long SunGold tomato VINE growing under my grow lights in a 4" pot!! It even has a TOMATO on it by now!!! I need to get out there in the backyard and make a home for it and PLANT the darned thing!! And all my peppers are waiting as well. But they are not indeterminate growers like the tomato vines. I'm also trying out a new tomato called Lucky Tiger, a multi-colored striped tomato, which I've had outside for several days acclimating. So I've DECIDED to get these guys planted. I cleared out all the mess (from last year) in my raised beds which were over run with weeds. Plus I need to enrich some pots and plant lots of summer squash which I can have on Keto. YUM!!

============================================(afternoon 2pm)

I got guilty looking at and thinking about the mess out there. I often just look at it and say to myself, "I've really got to get out there and DO something!", but then get distracted with something else and what I needed to do in my yard that gives me a lift in spirit gets forgotten until the next time I notice it. I am S-L-O-W-L-Y BEGINNING to actually DO something about it! (Proud of myself here!) I just went out into that heat and ---> FINISHED <--- cleaning up my raised beds so I can now plant my peppers!! All weeds are GONE and the support cages are at the side. I'm also putting in some marigolds as companion plants. The hard work is done. Now I just have to put in the plants I have grown from seed.

And after a bit of prepping my SmartPots with fertilizer and more potting soil, I'm going to plant some summer squash, all kinds! I have so many different varieties!

===========================================(DS interrupted me + I had my OMAD - now it's 7:40pm)

And here is the test of my will. I just took my Sleep Aid and my other pills. Time for a nice shower and then bedtime! I have lots to do tomorrow AT 7:00 IN THE MORNING in the morning's cool temps. Pleasurable tasks, but tasks nonetheless. And tomorrow is another hot one! So it's all laid out ahead of me and we'll see whether I just sit there and "plan" what I need to do and how to do it - OR if I just DO IT. I need to just do it!! I know you are all behind me, despite your own life's troubles and challenges. ♥ I love you all for that! ♥

Off to the shower now...6am comes early.

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


It is great that you have so many insights regarding your health, future planning, garden and especially am I happy for you to have discovered a way to regain slimness on your WOE

Wishing you and your son a beautiful day


Much caring

[honeybera]

Hi Fleur! And thanks!

It is great that you have so many insights regarding your health, future planning, garden and especially am I happy for you to have discovered a way to regain slimness on your WOE

Whew! I just got inside after working in the backyard from 9:30am-11:45am. Not quite as early as I had in mind for today, but I'm going more on progress and not perfection. And this was indeed progress! It looks so much better out there!! Your praise of my "beautiful garden" really got me thinking as I was sitting here at my computer looking at the reality of it. THANK YOU!!!! It got me up and moving. The mess out there truly was an overwhelming task, but now it's just beginning to come around again, making my view out my WOW so much nicer to look at!

DS does help on rare occasions, but I'm the one making this all happen. He really helps with the heavy lifting that I can't do.

=============================(7:30p and nearly my bedtime)

==================================(correction: it WAS my "bedtime". I conked out. Now it's next morning!

I must have really pooped myself out yesterday! I worked in the early morning and then again at dusk. You should see my "last year's" SunGold tomato that managed to overwinter!! Imagine that! Today I'll do the White Cherry tomato. It may get too hot here in the summer, but the winter's are generally mild and few frosts and NO snow. I'm beginning to really appreciate my home. I even got to pick my own floor plan and have it built according to my own preferences. I didn't really appreciate that aspect of it, but more and more I'm beginning to.

This place is not my mother's choices or dreams, it's mine! No wonder she was so irked by it. In this town are many old dumps with very small floor plans and were built just after WWII, so MD figured that I might buy one of those and recommended this area to me. Instead I bought a brand new home even before it was built in a nice new area of fine homes. AND THEY LET ME!! That amazed even me! But I had a great job and good credit and even a nice 20% down saved up for it. So I bought it. BEST MOVE EVER!!! MD was so mad when she saw what I'd done (not proud, BUT MAD! So like her!) that she didn't even come to my home for the walk through when it was finished. My father did, but even with his educated eye for construction, pointed out nothing, so how much "help" was that?! I was (and always have been) on my own and alone to make all decisions without even knowing what I was doing, BUT BUT BUT it has all turned out fine.

(BTW, that is when she began to foment the scheme to SELL their ranch 30 min. away from us and give it to my brother for pennies on the dollar after he sold his ranch [which they also bought for him] AND buy a BIGGER home than mine only 0.9 mi. away from me and putting in every improvement that I had planned for my new home. It took her two years to make it all happen, but she did it and then invited me over! I would not go there for several years until N insisted that I bury the hatchet and go visit with him "to my mother's home" on Easter. I'm sorry that I did now and even more-so then. She slyly ridiculed my friend and I to his face, smiling all the while. He didn't get most of the slights, but I DID. I'm better off shed of her!!!!!!!!!!)

But now that is as behind me as I wish it to be. I guess there still are pockets of pain that pop up that she caused me, but how long will I need to write it all out before the pain stops? I am beginning to see that that time is up to me. I really need to know that ALL of that fetid, crippling, toxic pain is all out of me, though. One happy thing this morning is that I am beginning to REALLY SEE that the weight is coming off! Especially on my arms, legs, and belly! This will probably take some time to do, maybe even a couple of years (I was pretty far gone health-wise when I started in Nov. '17), but I plan to keep eating and fasting like this forever. It's not hard to do, it is tasty, and I'm really getting the hang of it.

I had better get out there before it gets too hot again. This heat wave is nearly over with (thank God!!) and from Monday on out it will be in the much more forgiving 80s! But I'm still going to try to get out there as early as possible and figure out exactly what needs to be done that day, either in the garden or the garage. Happily!

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Hi all. Tonight I was watching good ol' Dr. Phil. His subject du jour was childhood abductions (kidnapping, sexual assault, and murder). I thought I had gotten over that horrible episode that happening to me at the church camp by one of the ministers there, but I guess not really. This Dr. Phil episode disturbed me deeply and I can't even shake it tonight. I'm up WAY late (which isn't good for me), but I just can't seem to relax enough to sleep.

It's not even that this horrible man "of the cloth" (??) tried to grab me on a deserted path my first day there. I figure that he was a creep and had probably done this sort of thing before. No, what really got to me was my own mother's reaction to me calling her up and telling her what had happened to me. She did GRUDGINGLY come up there THE NEXT FRIGGIN' DAY, scolded me, and forced me to stay there anyway!! And I know why she did that: it was her dream come true, a week or two away from ME...AND with her dear little son and hubby, a nice little package of bliss. And then I had to go and "spoil it" by having my little "problem". "Just stay here at the camp, Honey! If anything goes wrong again, you can call me again." I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER SAY THAT TO MY OWN DAUGHTER!!! EVER!!! She put me directly in harm's way so she could live out her little fantasy. My God! What kind of a monster raised me?? For her to be that uncaring towards me floors me! The beatings were one thing, the sabotaging of me constantly, but to put me in harm's way because to bring me home would inconvenience her and ruin her little break from me...

I don't know if that minister/pastor/whatever would have raped or killed me had I not screamed at the top of my lungs and RUN from him. Dr. Phil said that that's exactly what I should have done, and boy oh boy, did I ever!! But he also said to tell someone. Well, I did that, too, but they did not believe me because I was an outsider and not a member of their church, and even the police asked me if I was telling the truth and "did I ever lie"? The man tried to throttle me, for God's sake!!!! He wouldn't let me pass him, then grabbed me by both wrists, and then raised his hands to my throat!! He said, "Don't scream, little girl, unless you want to get hurt!" (Sounds like a threat to me!!) Him saying that sort of reminded me that I was in serious trouble and was NOT making any noise, so I let out as loud a scream as I could, wrenched away from him, and ran up a VERY steep hill, losing one of my brand new flip-flops as I ran away from him. I just let it go! He was coming up behind me, but I was quicker. SO SCARY!!!!! And I told them, "That's HIM!!" when he came in to the office shortly after the police arrived. "Oh, no! You're mistaken, little girl! That's Pastor So-and-So!" But it WAS him!! And then my idiot mother left me up there WITH HIM!! For a week or two!! How could she????!!!!

I'm lucky to be alive. And watching that Dr. Phil today made me realize just how lucky I was to get away from that man!! I was only about 10 or 11 yrs. old. Who would do that to their child?? MD was like being raised by a mean governess who hated her job. She loathed me then and she probably loathes me now. I don't know if she does and frankly, I DON'T CARE! But I DO know that you don't have such a complaint about someone in charge of your child and leave the child there!!!! Not even back in the old days!

On a much lighter note: Today I finally got around to planting my Century apple-pear into a large Smart Pot (just for now) since it's been trying to stay alive without any water in a dark box (bare root) out in the fairly warm garage. Poor neglected thing. But it still had tiny little live shoots on it, bless it, so I gave it a nice new home for the next year or so in the pot. I'm pulling weeds up and weedeating and moving pots all over the place with my hand truck. I have 4 pretty little pepper plants grown from seed all ready to go in RB#1 tomorrow and 2 squash planted (so far). My salvia (ornamental sage) is fully in bloom (hummingbirds are loving that!), all bluish-purple and red, and the birdbaths are cleaned out, one for water and one for wild bird seed, and are enthusiastically being welcomed by my feathered friends. It's so nice out there! Lemons galore on the trees (I had fresh picked lemon on my baked fish today - YUM!) and my tomatoes miraculously overwintered! I also picked the first edible pod peas I've ever grown today (very crunchy) and they'll go into my salad tomorrow (they're in the fridge now). I'm also working hard on the garage and cutting up the boxes in the front room and DONATING a ton of stuff tomorrow during the day. What they don't take, the garbage man will on this Friday (for free!), so we're readying for that "event". It's really coming along!

Oh yes...and I'm losing weight finally! I stopped drinking a large coffee mug of "Bulletproof Coffee" (made my way ). It was mostly heavy whipping cream, so I switched to mostly tea and cut WAY back on my HWC intake in my coffee when I have it. AND I began to WORK, either in the yard or in the house, many hours per day...EXERCISE, my way. But it seems to be working! I go see the doctor tomorrow and see how I'm doing. I do know that my a1c is down to 6.9 for the first time! Well, since I knew I was diabetic, it's always been at least 7 or greater. So "progress, not perfection"! Still a reason for celebration! At least it's finally working for me. I wonder how much I weigh? I'll let you know after tomorrow's office visit. I've been at this since Nov. '17! And I just kept gaining after an initial 25 lb. weight loss. We'll see if this has done the trick, but I know my body is changing (and all for the better)! I can SEE it!

I've got to get some rest now. OH! I know another reason why I'm all awake and can't relax. My doctor's appt! Let me try, try again.

Honeybera

[honeybera]

GREAT news! Saw my doctor last Wed. and found I had LOST 15 LBS!!! It's about friggin' time!!!! I finally have it down on how to do this keto WOE!! WHY it wasn't working for me has to do with my age and my overall diseases that I had when I first began on this WOE 18 months ago (like T2D, fatty liver disease, arthritis, plain old insulin resistance/hyperinsulinemia, and so on). I think it has taken me this last 18 months to really figure out keto/IF and how to make it work for me. I believe that first I had to heal up inside and lose the visceral fat and reverse or improve many of the issues listed above. At that time I weighed 275 (and gaining) when I popped over to dietdoctor dot com for some more "low carb recipes" (they have GREAT recipes, and they are organized by "strict keto", which I'm now on, OR "moderate" low carb OR "liberal") and began reading about "strict ketogenic" recipes...and then on to keto itself and intermittent fasting. I read deeper and deeper, following every tip I could get and watching every keto video that I could find. At that time (early Nov. '17 when I started this "strict keto" WOE) I actually lost 25 lbs. in a few months by doing this WOE and was THRILLED to have found something that ACTUALLY WORKED for me!! But then those lbs. slowly came creeping back on over the months, even on "strict keto" and (as you can read in my posts) confused me and demoralized me. I never quit, though. I "kept calm and ketoed on", as they say to do.

And am I ever glad that I did!! I'm finding now that I need not only strict food adherence, but also to get out there in the garden and do some work, or clean up the garage or inside the house (both of which are looking MUCH better now!!!), and not just sitting at my computer and studying or playing games on it or watching TV. All that is relaxing is fine...in moderation!! But I need to keep moving sometimes, just for my own health if nothing else.

Also what I didn't get was just how far gone I was before I began this whole thing in Nov. '17. I could not walk to the end of my hallway without gasping for breath (heart failure symptoms ) and my a1c was around 8, even though I was on "low carb" since 2007. Following this strict keto and IF now, I no longer have the SOB (shortness of breath - not at ALL anymore!) AND my a1c hit 6.9 for the first time in the 20 yrs. since I've been diagnosed as a diabetic!! WOW! "a1c" means a percentage of how much sugar (TOTAL glucose) is in my bloodstream. The max. is equal to or less than a teaspoon of it for non-diabetics!! I was amazed by that fact!! How much glucose was in my blood when my a1c was 12??!

If you run the calculations for 126 mg/dl, the amount of sugar in the blood of someone just over the line into the diagnosis of diabetes, you find out that it is 6.25 grams, or 1 1/4 teaspoon. So, the difference between having a normal blood sugar and a diabetic blood sugar is about a quarter of a teaspoon of sugar...An order of medium fries at McDonald’s contains 47 grams of carbohydrate. 47 grams of carbohydrate converts to about 47 grams of sugar, which is almost 10 teaspoons.

When I consider that ONE 16oz. bottle OF SODA POP (Coke: 52) + those fries combined = 23 teaspoons of sugar (glucose) = YIKES!!! Just for some fries and a bottle of coke!! That's how I got my cataracts in my eyes, arthritis in my joints, and so on! (Yes, too much sugar causes cataracts!) I am running between 120-145 mg/dl at this time, but it's a darned sight better than 200-450 like I used to be in 2007 and with an a1c of 12 (my highest ever back in 2007 and before low carb)!! So I'm still diabetic, but getting better every day and AIMING at being diabetes FREE eventually! What an incentive! And I'm still studying and researching this whole Keto/IF vs. diabetes/obesity thing every day!

I wanted to share this with all of you, ♥my dear friends♥. I'm going to go have some rotisseried tri-tip in the fridge topped with some freshly made mayo mixed with some horseradish and a nice lettuce-tomato-artichoke hearts-avocado salad with 1000 island dressing and a maple-black walnut flavored muffin for dessert. Sounds so good!! I'd better get going...I've got more gardening to do this evening after dinner. (BTW, my Costata Romanesco squash is UP NOW! It's like a slender zucchini with stripes! Still waiting on the Zucchino Rampicante Squash - a wildly growing, long and curling squash with great flavor - can't wait to see it pop up, too. ) [You can see this amazing squash on Google - it's worth seeing!]

Farmer Honeybera! ♥♥♥