I think I saw....

[Squiggy]

The other night at the grocery store, I think I saw my father, one of my abusers, from whom I have been estranged for approximately 18 years. He was ahead of me in line. I'm not 100% sure it was him, but it sure looked like him. He looked about the right age, right height, right hair. His clothes looked like something he would wear, and when he spoke to the cashier, the voice sounded right, too. Maybe it was juts a guy who looked like him, but... it really looked like him.

I didn't look too closely, as I didn't want to draw his attention. If it was him, he didn't recognize me, and that makes me happy, to know the estrangement has been successful enough the he doesn't even know what I look like any more. I mentioned it to my friend who is also a survivor, and she said there's a possibility that he did recognize me but kept his mouth shut. That doesn't really sound like something he would do, or at least would have done, but it's possible.

There's another good thing about it, and that is that to go for almost two decades without seeing him even by chance, and only then after going to the store earlier in the day than I normally do, any future chance encounters like this are likely to be just as rare.

I'm not sure whether I'd prefer that it was him, in which case I saw someone I hate and wished never to see again, or whether it was just a guy who looked like him, in which case I felt hatred toward a total stranger for no good reason. Neither of these are exactly pleasant thoughts.

All the anger and resentment came back almost instantly, though it was tempered by the fact that he didn't know who I was. So I'll write it out of my system here. What do you guys think? Have any of you ever had chance encounters with former abusers like this? What about ones that you were unsure whether or not it was the same person?

[recover]

hi Squiggy I haven't had that experience but i am reading and offering support.
sounds very difficult.
with support,
recover

[coconuts]

Wow that sounds like an emotional moment. Whether or not it was him it brought up a lot of feelings with it. That flood of intense feelings is hard to deal with. Glad you wrote about it here to help you process. You are right , it has shown your success at avoiding him. Likely he wouldn't recognize you because you have changed a lot since not seeing him. Changes are more dramatic when we are younger than when we are older.

Offering calming peace as you process this encounter
Coconuts