reishas 2019 thread

[dancingfish]

Aw that sounds like it's been difficult of late reisha - thinking of you, and wishing you wellness and soft kindness. :)

[Couragetoday]

Hope you can be gentle with you Reisha , and T understanding also.

Caring,

Couragetoday

[dancingfish]

Hey reisha, how's it going this week? :) Thinking of you, and hope Sproink and Goo are keeping you a bit entertained!

Sending you snuggly ocean-turquoise blankets for wrapping yourself kindly in, with soothing sensations and warm drinks. Good thoughts are winging their way over the airwaves to you, if okay! :)

[reisha]

Awww, {DC!} Luv the snuggly blankies! - ya perfectly described the throws i haave on my couch, hehe!

& courage, jonesy, there - thanks for yer ongoin support.

Courage - im curious as to what 'alarm bells' ya see w 'jo' - blind spots i may not see. My t is encouragin me to (cautiously) continue w this, kinda stain the obvious - humans are messy, so, too, are relationships. (No ones perfect). So, my task (jim), should i choose to accept her, is to find (& maintain) my boundaries, keepin in mind her particular (potential) triggers for me. To trust myself, my intuition about her, & to proceed accordingly..... (yikes! Dunno that im 'big' enuff, lol!)
We also talked alot bout ... foo memories, dynamics, my insights/thots. Im to spend time w small(er) self(s) - honor the sadness, hurt, confusion, etc (ug! - bt,dt, must i, AGAIN, still?!?)
Gettin a lil nervous bout 'the future' - as she reminds me of commin upheaval in her sched/avail. ...

Had my yrly ihss reveiw a while ago. Got the results. They increased my awarded hrs. Went from 76 to 120 per month. <gulp!> why am i not pleased? Am i in denial bouthow f'd up i am? Do i REALLY *need* that much help? ( or, maybe its that the helpers are REALLY slow?) My whole exp w ~disability~ has been completely 'not the norm' from what i hear from most folx. Aside from the slop, ive never had to fight or appeal for benies, services. Usualy admonished for not applyin sooner, &/or given 'full bennies' for whatever im applyin for. I dont like it. Not that i WANNA fight for everything, but.... im not explainin this very well.
In the meantime, wtf ami gonna DO w all those hrs! I certianly dont want, nor do i have the energy to 'entertain' sumone for 6hrs a day! Otoh, if we ~commit fraud~ by givin helper the extra hrs i dont use, *maybe* i can get a 'better qual' of helper? Ug. This whole thing is almost more of a PITA than its worth....

Am a lil more * outta bed* lately, actually made sum food the other nite! Doin a lil bita craft projects, takin the cats out. Imo, really think alotta my bedslugness due to the prior reality of bein unhoused. Once i got here, i kinda NEEDED to just huddle under the covers for 3 yrs b4 i started to feel safe, secure again. The flood was a bit of a setback, & im just commin outta that. So MAYBE, just Maybe, this yr can afford sum * risks*, sum (foreward) movement. I think the 'jo project' would qual, lol.

Anyway, hope all are havin a decent day - lil bita productivity, lotsz rest & food, lil bita insight work & lotsa joy & laughter. Love ya all

{{{ISURVIVE!!!}}}

[there]

reisha,
What you say about needing to recover from 'houselessness' makes a lot of sense.

120 hrs/month of helpers- doing cleaning, meal prep... Is that what they'll do? Right, that's 30 hrs/week of having somebody in your home. Do you they go shopping for you? That could be helpful and eat up time. Do you have to use the entire 120 hrs every week?

Human contact, and friendships aren't perfect, fact. You do have the right to choose what's best for you, allowing for things about people you may have no choice about. Is the friendship/contact mostly good?---I tend to go with that.

[Couragetoday]

Hi Reisha,
I think what I meant by alarm bells (in retrospect a poor word choice -Maybe areas of potential concern would have been better), were reading about difficulties Jo has had respecting clear boundaries, and hearing your Hesitancy and reservations. (Is it a gut feeling to stay away?, Or fear of forming new friendships?)
Also it just sounded like some of her comments/views don’t perhaps align with your core values?.
You were asking if it is a “purposeful inviting of Disfunction into your life”? Maybe? Or could it be that it’s just really darn hard to make friends! And so being more open to work with the incompatibilities could be reasonable in these kind of scenarios.
I’m kind of rambling, just brainstorming.
I really love your thoughts in your last post-about potentially giving it a try, knowing you can trust yourself, your intuition, and knowing that you will know how to proceed. From knowing you a bit here, I totally believe you have this insight and skills.

I so relate to the conflicting feelings of being approved for certain disability benefits so “easily” when I’ve seen others fight for years. It’s such a strange feeling-gratitude mixed with disbelief, like a forced reality check almost?

I hope there are really helpful things that can fill those hours you’ve been approved for. Over here, it’s very restrictive. they are not allowed to help outside the home at all, including transportation, errands, groceries etc. etc. etc. basically all the things you need to survive in the community are off limits, LOL!

Here’s hoping your weekend is going well.

Couragetoday

[earthhorse]

So relating to need to hide under the covers for three years just to feel safe after upsets.

Yeah I would hate to have to entertain an 'enforced' stranger 6 hours a day too! But maybe it can be in stints? And you can make gourmet food requests that require hours of prep. hahahahaha like a raw food diet

I think for me with disability it's always seems a fine line between really badly needing supports and well being boxed in, having it become bigger than 'me'. Like engulfing my autonomy or how I am viewed as a citizen, or a person... it's also the old panopticon trick, the more 'seen' one becomes or feels observed, the more likely one changes ones own behavior and self censor thoughts. Resembling more and more internally what one expects the observer expects of us... aka modern power...

But at the same time Reisha you really deserve supports. Just wish they would listen to you more about what it is you need. Anyway you can communicate what you really need and be heard?

Your T sounds like a caring person. Do you have a plan for what you want from therapy right now? I think hearing you this year, your T's suggestion to take time for grief sounds good.... But if other stuff is feeling a little overdone, maybe it's okay to work together more on your priorities?

Yeah people are people... my friend D. once said trust people to do the wrong thing. I have friends I love but can only see in very small doses. There are periods like now, when any group of people just sends me into deep anxiety. It's hard feeling isolated, but also being so selective... sounds good to be working on boundaries, but also nice just to let your self off the hook a bit too. Go with yer own flow No judgement. Just trusting...

feeling lots of hyperarousal and tension and realizing for me that anger is a big part of my CPTSD symptoms, makes it easier for to see my reactions as less connected to what is happening, or even the behavior of myself or others,, and more a signal for what kind of self care I need. As my Chinese doctor says... too much yang, not enough yin!

Love,
EH

[recover]

(((((((((((((reisha)))))))))))))
thinking of you.
recover xoxo

[reisha]

Been awhile....
Ct, thanx for expandin on that thot. Its helped me to clarify suma my concerns. 'Jo' has now mentioned a bit more more of her (romantic) herstory. Shes been straight, married - has mentioned that a few times. Just recently, shared shes also been inna same sex 'ship. I cant get straight on her timeline(s) tho - im assumin i got it wrong, but there seems to be a GREAT deal of inconsistancy there, so, i dunno..... i guess these days shes celebate or bi? But it also kinda raised hackles - the inconsistancies; & also, kinda an 'aha' moment, as alotta her 'neediness'/'glommingon' to me seemed to make more sence - its almost as if shes wooing me(?). Mentioned this to t; & im... proceedin w caution.
Speakin-a t, ...
Parts is parts! Back to doin parts work, as ive been talkinbout my irritability & annoyances, my 'cNb' (cynical & bitter), so weve been invitin convos between those parts. Rewarding work, so far, i think(?). Dont have muchtime left w this t, which saddens me,, but grateful for her while ive got her. <ssigh> *need* to get on w findin new (temp)(?) T while hopin/waitin for her to set up her private practice <gulp!>
There, thanx for the validation bout my ideas bout my begsluggishness/homeless recovery. (T agrees w us, so arent we SMART! Lol!)
As i ... emerge from ^that^, ... been takin cats out more frequently, & for longer periods - well, when its not rainnin in sunny CA. So, im gettin more sunlite - which seems to be helpin w sleep (?). Today, i got brave & finally wheeled 2 Large loads of laundry (time check - almost time to go switch em to dryer). Well, it was as much bein outta clothes asitwas the stink, lol! (Necessity = motivation <sad!>)
Have aalso ben putterin a bit w crafting - im 'bleed dying'( not tye dye) & then marbling over a thrift shop top - oh - i bleached it 1st. It was amottled,faded black. Rayon. But i really like the cut/style. So, along w dying fabric, im also using the 'washout' dye to color paper, & as the paper becomeswet/wrinked/distressed, im sculptin it into......... uh, ...... ? A project; an abstract sumtin that represents where im at now. Im also usin 'old craft makeup' on it. Ive found makeup is an EXCELLENT art medium/tool/supply - have used it 4rs on cards, but this is 1st time ive used it in this way. Sum VERY interesting results.
Mite also embark on more writing/drawing, as i work on Parts. Wish i still had my old work... character descriptions/development, pix, etc.....

Anyway, sorry i havna been more present here. I thinka ya all often, & send good healin vibes daily.

{{{ISURVIVE!!!}}}

[there]

reisha,
The other day, I was thinking about how many places I lived in with awful roommate situations. No wonder I've lived here alone a long time in my 1-bedroom apartment!
enjoying reading about your creative process.
I have used nail polish in my art
Character descriptions and development intrigue me.
Yes, it's my experience that getting out in sunlight will help with sleep (and mood).

Might go to a museum tomorrow as I need a getaway.