This year I devoted my time to treatment for my sexual abuse. I was molested by my aunt, grandmother, older half brother and neighbor. Sometimes I feel like there’s more people and that I’m just too beaten into the ground to remember. The domestic violence growing up also clouds my mind, makes me block everything out until it’s just white noise in my head and black over my eyes. It took me a long time to realize that these things that happened to me are abuse and not just a normal part of growing up, even though lots of people go through it. But now I understand why I’ve had such a rough adolecense, why I’ve been so manically depressed and why I hate surprises and messes.
The treatment is helping, but sometimes, as you all know, I just get triggered and can’t help it. I lose myself. I know how to bring myself back and I’m feeling more confident now, but sometimes it’s like I just become 7 years old again and i couldn’t be more mad at the world and sad at myself. Incest and child molestation are literally some of the worst things to exist in this life. I would never think it could happen to me. For so much of my life I didn’t think it happened to me.
Sometimes I get triggered by things I would never expect. The glance of a stranger, coldness of a loved one or even just when someone doesn’t see me in front of them at line. Does anyone else experience this? I thought I was only supposed to get triggered by stuff like R Kelly or porn, but in reality it’s the little moments that I can’t describe why that trigger me the most.
Hope this helps and that I can connect with some souls who’ve had similar experiences. I’ve never met someone who’s out about their childhood sexual abuse or incest. It’s taken me a while but I’m ready to share myself again with the world.
Blueberrymufdin
if ok 