Letting go

[honeybera]

Hmmmm .... Lost post .... Take two, smile

Don't I know it!

Ten minutes to five right now...AM. I found a really good Facebook Keto site (support) and one of the comments by another person on there recommended a very nice YouTube video by Dr. Eric Westman

youtube dot com
Eric Westman, M.D.: Update on Ketogenic Diet for Obesity,…

which sort of triggered me to delve into old memories of N and the devastating sense of loss that I felt after he left me in 2010 and after the 93 lb. weight loss I'd experienced with him there staying with me. It has kept me up thinking about it until now at 5am. I suddenly stopped the YouTube video and felt an intense need to write to you all.

It seems that my weight has a lot to do with my emotions and my sense of well being (or lack thereof). In 2010, I had never felt happier or had a more of an almost palpable sense of belonging...and the weight just fell off. From Nov. 2009 until Oct. 2010, N was my constant companion. I would make him "low carb" toast and a sort of (Atkins style) Bulletproof coffee every morning for breakfast and we'd call it "coffee-coffee, toast-toast". It wasn't even ketogenic, yet I lost weight, from 306 lbs. in 2007 (Before N) down to 213 lbs. in Oct. 2010 just before N left to go work elsewhere, and I did it without effort. But after he left, I gained a whopping 60 lbs. within a couple of months or so. I was like a zombie, walking around and working, still eating low carb, but just sleeping and feeling nothing but sad. When he was still there, I remember walking across the parking lot at work from my trailer in the morning and feeling like I was literally walking on air or floating! I went from a 56" waist (uniform pants) down to a 44" waist and had to get a whole new uniform (and belt). He was my friend and I hated to see him go.

Wow, I am thinking so hard on all this! WHY, after intermittent fasting all day, every day, for over a frigging YEAR now and following the ketogenic diet faithfully for all this time, WHY am I not losing weight, like POUNDS of weight...but I have to consider that at the same time I was feeling lonely and horribly depressed...and not losing more than 20 lbs. so far...and yet my arthritis is gone, my blood sugars are somewhat better, and I just noticed that my parotid tumor is almost gone as well!! And as far as my belly and other fatty areas are concerned, they are quite a bit smaller just by looking at them! SO IS IT WORKING OR IS IT NOT??????

I know I am hyperinsulinemic (have extreme insulin resistance evidenced by my still huge amount of belly fat) and that stress of any kind causes the fight or flight response in a person that increases cortisol (the stress hormone) which increases insulin flow and thereby fat storage. The entire point of the ketogenic diet AND FASTING is to REDUCE the stimulation of insulin (the fat storage hormone). Could this constant recalling/reliving the stress caused by MD (actually nowadays aka my own Inner Critic rather than the aging old hag in the nursing home) be hindering me in my efforts to reverse my T2D, my fatty liver and/or fatty pancreas, and attempting to lose this mountain of unhealthy abdominal obesity?? It could be.

I'm really seeing the need to LET THIS GO! It's why I'm seeing my T currently. Funny, I think the "answer" is to just...well, let it go. I'm also feeling the need to kind of connect with others. Not just acquaintances, but f2f friends. To share things. That would be so nice. Good people, gentle people, kind people.

Wow. 6am and NOW I'm tired! If I sleep now, I'll miss the entire day. Do I stay up or go to sleep and keep the whacked out circadian rhythm going? I have laundry, baking, and yard work to do. It looks like a fairly dry afternoon: great for Ms. T and great for me to get out there after 1pm. That's 7 hours of sleep available. I think I'll go for it!

Honeybera (off to sleep now, but sending warm regards to dearest {{{Fleur}}}! Have a great weekend!)

[honeybera]

My liver is "NORMAL"! I am so relieved! BUT I ACTUALLY GAINED ANOTHER 10 LBS. SINCE MY LAST VISIT a month and a half ago!! Dr. B told me that IF it had been something serious, he would have called me. He agreed with me that I'm experiencing some "water (fluid) retention". DUH!!!! He's sticking to his ideas of calories in/calories out, which is the exact opposite of what I'm doing on keto. I'm trying to limit insulin spiking instead of the (as I put it to him) "antiquated" ideas of cutting calories, which does NOT work 98-99% of the time and only makes me too hungry to fast. It is like he feels that I'm in denial re: my weight. I'm back up (from 250 lbs. at this time last year to 275 today) and my legs are ACHING, too much to even walk without pain. I asked him if he'd give me a prescription for physical therapy and he agreed. It's for "my lower back and conditioning", whatever that means, but I'd like to go to reduce the fluid retention in my legs and ankles and feet. I'm also hitting the internet tonight to study up on "fluid reduction" advice there.

He also said that it was "just my age". I do need to move more, but he's taking the attitude of the poorly informed but comfortable well-paid doctors that are standing in the way of the new wave of change that is coming, just waiting for someone to lay Big Money on their outstretched palm while their eyes are tightly closed and cotton balls are stuffed into their ears. I feel like I'm not the one who is pitifully uninformed, but there does seem to be "something wrong", even if it is simply water retention. He also inplied that I am "taking in too many calories" and need to eat LESS FAT , for Pete's sake!! "Count your calories and eat less!" OMG!! That is such old school thinking!! He is giving me such purely rote and bad advice that I'm thinking of not seeing him again. He probably won't even notice the difference.

If I don't find a doctor who "gets it" (and soon) that can see that eating ONE MEAL A DAY (usually just a pork chop or a chicken thigh or 2 eggs, etc. + a cup of cooked [and approved] veggies, like broccoli, cabbage, spinach, or cauliflower and maybe a small avocado salad or bowl of homemade "cream of" --- soup + a plain sugar free almond muffin and a cuppa creamed Bulletproof coffee for "dessert") until just satisfied and then fast for the next 20-24 HOURS, well, I give up!! (The doctor, not the WOE!)

I eat until JUST BARELY full. Then I fast. And I do that until I get hungry again...the next day! But he's treating me like I'm heading for McDonald's for a Big Mac with fries and a drink for 4 or 5 meals a day, gives me a tsk, tsk, tsk (SHAMING ME!) when that is just not the case or how I am eating! What I am concerned for is that I'm experiencing a WEIGHT GAIN on such a Spartan diet (WOE) that I've explained here, and I think that there is probably some reason for concern! I've been at this since Nov. 2017 (15½ months now!!) and I should be LOSING weight right now! I eat like a dietician's dream, but I gain weight! It is said by many that exercise is good, BUT NOT NECESSARY to lose weight with the keto WOE.

It is really tough trying to do this new weight loss system with so many others having a rollicking success with it while I consistently gain, week after week, month after month. To have no support from either of my last two doctors doesn't help. Listening to the two of them regurgitating their obviously limited "knowledge" of nutrition and dietary guidelines to me is frustrating at best! It is barely touched on for an afternoon in med. school, and what is taught to these med. students/potential doctors is dead wrong, and is harming their patients!

It was mostly started in the 1950s by Ancel Keys (whose research was financed by a grant from Kellogg's) and Kellogg's, THE CEREAL COMPANY (hence, 6-11 servings of "whole grains", bread, pasta, rice, and corn! ) and in around 1980, the Food Pyramid was okayed by none other than Senator George McGovern and his cronies (NOT scientists or researchers)! Then add on the drug companies greedily producing Metformin, insulin, and other diabetic drugs to urge doctors to sell/prescribe them to their patients, and there's the deadly morbid obesity and diabetes explosion that we are seeing today! (Insulin is the "fat storage" hormone! High blood sugars, ie, Type 2 diabetes, is a SYMPTOM of hyperinsulinemia, aka high insulin, and insulin resistance, aka a pot belly or a beer belly, all of which is caused by too much sugar/starches/grains/sodas/beer. This has been known for over 100+ yrs.) Two thirds of the USA population are obese or morbidly obese, even children. They have ceased calling it "Adult Onset Diabetes" since kids are developing it now, with every chance to succumb to its horrible crippling diseases: blindness, amputations, heart disease, arthritis, cancers, you name it. Here's where I've learned SOME of this info:

www dot ketogenic-diet-resource dot com/usda-food-pyramid dot html
In 1968, the Senate appointed Senator George McGovern to chair the "Select Committee on Nutrition and Human Needs" with the goal of wiping out hunger and malnutrition in the US. By 1969, the committee had succeeded in wiping out malnutrition, and wanting to secure further funding, it began looking into other areas of health and nutrition.

McGovern and several members of his staff had become familiar with the Ancel Keys' influence on the American Heart Association, which was proposing that fat and cholesterol consumption should be lowered for better heart health, even though the link between the two had never been proven in any scientific study. With this focus, the creation of today's USDA Food Pyramid began. As Gary Taubes writes in his article The Soft Science of Dietary Fat:

"It was Senator George McGovern's bipartisan, non-legislative Select Committee on Nutrition and Human Needs--and, to be precise, a handful of McGovern's staff members--that almost single-handedly changed nutritional policy in this country and initiated the process of turning the dietary fat hypothesis into dogma."

In January 1977, after listening to the testimony of Ancel Keys and other doctors and scientists intent on promoting the unsupported Dietary Fat-Heart hypothesis, the Committee published the "Dietary Goals for the United States" recommending that all Americans reduce their fat, saturated fat and cholesterol consumption, and increase their carbohydrate consumption to 55-60% of daily calories.

Upon release of the guidelines, the cattle, egg, and dairy industries went ballistic. Congress was telling people that animal products were bad for health!

The intense pressure from these industries forced the committee into revising the report in late 1977. But the damage had been done, and American meat, egg and milk consumption continued to fall.

Because the goals of this document were so different, the USDA did not adopt them at first. In 1980, the USDA partnered with the Health and Human Services department to issue the first edition of the Dietary Guidelines for Americans, which eventually became the USDA Food Pyramid.

You only need to follow the money...

I wrote my Dr. B a nice email before I went to see him on Jan. 3rd. I had referred him to the website BeALoser dot Today dot com because it is a large YouTube series that covers ALL these topics done in about 15 min. increments. It explains it in depth and in plain and simple language that most people can understand. All of the "calories in, calories out" and low fat nonsense (he calls it the Calorie Restriction As Primary diet or CRAP diet ) is debunked and the ketogenic WOE is explained. Had my Dr. read or studied any of this before my visit to him he never would have dreamed to blurt out as he scooted out the door smiling like he was trying to be "cool", "Remember! Calories in, calories out!" and he was gone! I felt like choking him! If I didn't need support so badly it wouldn't be so irritating, but I do and it is!!

But my problem remains - why, oh why, is my body shrinking and divets forming all over my body, but I'm GAINING weight? Fluid retention? OK, then WHY??? Dr. B says it's just my age and dismisses it as such, but I have seen research study after research study after testimonials up the wah-zoo singing the praises of this WOE REGARDLESS OF AGE!!!!! Even I have a healthy liver and kidneys now and no sign of arthritis anymore and not even a UTI in a year when before this WOE they were very frequent and problematic. So WHY am I not losing weight on this? I should! I know for a FACT that I'm doing it right! VERY FRUSTRATING!! But what are my options at this point? Sheesh!

KEEP CALM AND KETO ON! <-----I have a shirt that says this!

========================================(Wed. evening ♥just after my OMAD dinner♥)

I just saw some things on Dr. Phil tonight as I had my "one-person dinner party" (it's always me and Dr. Phil as my guest ). He had this to say to his guests:

*Not everyone you lose is a loss.
*You can't lose what you didn't have.

This really set me back on my heels! He was speaking with some other child abuse survivors, so I could identify. The incidents may have been different, but the results on these now-grown children was the same as I've experienced. When Dr. Phil said the above, WOW!

I have been feeling quite a sense of loss from time to time re: MD. After all, she is my mother ( ) and judging from my father's passing in 2011, when you're gone, you're GONE. This is the only time I possibly have left with her on earth.

But with her and my histories...is that such a bad thing?? "NOT EVERYONE YOU LOSE IS A LOSS." OH MY! And she is not being neglected in any way. (Well, maybe by my dear brother, but that is their game and has nothing to do with me.) She has in her possession my phone number that I've had for nearly 20 yrs., yet she never calls. Well, ME anyway. My brother gets multiple calls from her every day! So many that they screen her calls and if it's from her, they don't answer. So no, not everyone you lose is a loss.

And she's still in denial re: the child abuse. "Oh, for Pete's sake, ____________! I NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT!" And that's what the "mother" did today on Dr. Phil as her grown children accused her of the horrors that they suffered through. Nearly verbatim!! None of us had the loving, tender, gentle, and kind "cookie baking Mom" that we all longed for, and after 72 yrs. on this earth, I don't believe I ever will (except for that Mom that is in me). So why go see her? "Not everyone you lose is a loss." Sadly true. And "You can't lose what you didn't have." I can still "see" her in my mind's eye in her small room, sitting on her small couch next to her wheelchair, with two regular sized closets and an attached bath, and by the window, a table and chair she never uses and a TV with Gunsmoke playing on it. Funny, while my dad was alive, that was his show and she couldn't stand it, but I think it makes her feel closer to him when she watches it. No, I don't need to revisit all of that. NO! If she wanted to see me, she'd call me. Even when I used to call her (faithfully!), she'd make an excuse to get off the phone.

But then immediately the thought comes crashing into my mind: Yeah, but...WHAT IF YOU ARE SORRY THAT YOU'VE MISSED THIS LAST OPPORTUNITY? It's an absolutely selfish thought. It has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I am really conflicted here. It feels like a LOT of self-induced guilt and shame vs. a need to protect myself against further harm from her.

So confusing! I think I'll sleep on it...

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


I get the frustrating feelings around what we eat, when we eat, and whether or not we lose weight when the physical evidence is such that we are healthier and reducing size

Could it be that, size for size, fat weighs less than muscle? Perhaps you are building muscle as you reduce fat storage?

Totally agree with you around weight being far more complex than "calories in, calories out". May your research unveil potential areas you can address - especially if you are retaining fluid

Great to know test results show healthy status of inner organisation

May you be encouraged to further explore options for finding face to face people with whom to share life in general, your specific needs and interests in particular

Wishing you and your son a really good weekend


Much caring

[honeybera]

Thanks Fleur!

I get the frustrating feelings around what we eat, when we eat, and whether or not we lose weight when the physical evidence is such that we are healthier and reducing size

Could it be that, size for size, fat weighs less than muscle? Perhaps you are building muscle as you reduce fat storage?

What bothers me is that I'm probably eating around 1000-1500 calories per day, eat those calories in a very restricted "eating window" and fast the rest of the time, and eat a strict ketogenic diet. Not only am I not LOSING weight or even "plateauing" at a certain rate, but INSTEAD I am continuing to GAIN weight!!!!! At first I lost weight; in fact, I lost 25+ lbs! And then began to gain again. I am so sick of being this obese and apple shaped. I had such hopes that this would work for me.

Great to know test results show healthy status of inner organisation

Yes, I was so grateful for that. Granted, I have no fatty liver anymore, and I guess that counts for something. My gall bladder has a few stones, but isn't causing me any trouble. Dr. B didn't say a word about my pancreas, so I'll take that as a good sign. BUT WHY THE WEIGHT GAIN THEN?? Considering my healthy check-up, none of this makes logical sense. That's not only confusing to me, but depressing, too, and INFURIATING. This has held such promise for me, but I firmly believe that if I had not been on some form of "low carb" (like I did with Atkins in the beginning) ever since Nov. 2007, I would literally not be alive today! I have no choice but to "KEEP CALM AND KETO ON" as they say. It is, however, getting more and more difficult to do so by just having faith that it will eventually work for me. Yesterday I fixed a dandy "bacon cheeseburger" (NO BREAD!!!) with tomato, lettuce, avocado, and seasoned mayo with a diet soda spiked with heavy whipping cream (a keto root beer float of sorts - but really tasty with that cheeseburger, I can tell you!), but that was all I ate all day long. I should be losing weight! I've been doing this for the last 15½ months! Has my body just been adjusting to this WOE and healing up (fatty liver, gallstones, arthritis, kidney disease, and a fatty pancreas)?? If so, it has worked!

It's also difficult to "exercise" in any way when I have this pain in my left lower back and upper anterior left mid-thigh that hurts whenever I walk and place my body weight on my left leg. I go see the physical T tomorrow. Today I am going to get my pickup smogged (not an easy task due to the year and type of my truck - so complicated every time I go). Then after that's done, I'm going to go pick up those BIG bags of potting soil at the nursery and then over to get the bales of straw for the yard (weed reduction). DS fixed my grow lights this morning to automatically turn on for 9 hours a day so I can have the right amount of "sunlight" on them as the seedlings are beginning to sprout from the seeds I've so carefully planted. My Lucky Tiger (cherry) tomatoes are up this morning! (YAY!!) And I have ONE tiny marigold, too (so far) and my King of the North peppers are doing well, too. The Lipstick and Cubanelle peppers are thriving, but the ♥SunGold (cherry) tomatoes♥ are just insanely growing and basking heartily in the warm (artificial) sunlight. But then again, they always do great. I need to get my SmartPots in position and nutritionally ready (fertilizer, egg shells, and all the little micronutrients) for planting the summer squash and the green beans in about a month.

And the pruning and tree planting outside needs to be done as well! The trees already have tiny blossoms on them. It's hard to get out there, though, with this leg pain I'm having. That's why I'm going to the physical therapy tomorrow. At least the rain is letting up a bit...FINALLY...so I can get back out there and do my work! On all that type of thing though, especially the tree planting and an automatic watering system for this summer, I may just get some assistant help by hiring some things done. Maybe I will, but I'm going to try to do as much of it myself as I can.

Due to DS's work schedule, I had to postpone my dental surgery assessment/check-up 100 miles away for Monday since DS always goes with me. I have two missing teeth (since 2009!), but to get the implants (in my small mouth), I will need dental surgery...and have to pay for it out of my own pocket. By the time they've replaced the teeth, the bill will be in excess of $10,000!! So I'm in no hurry to start the procedure.

May you be encouraged to further explore options for finding face to face people with whom to share life in general, your specific needs and interests in particular

I'm back to considering both Bingo (if I can find a non-smoking game) and/or Catholic Charities volunteer visitation of shut-ins. God knows, I can identify with their needs!! And I could bring them some of my garden produce from time to time. I almost did this "shut-in visiting" idea a year or so ago, but then kind of backed out. I'm not a Catholic, but Catholic Charities does some good works, and I'm all for that. One hand washes the other. I visit with them and they get a visit! And once I get a bit more active, I could drive for something like Meals-On-Wheels or something like that. I am a driver after all, and to be honest, I sort of miss it. I have a car, plus my pickup, and I can still drive, so why not? Use it or lose it!

Wishing you and your son a really good weekend
Much caring

♥Thanks, Fleur♥! And the same to you!

Honeybera
==============================ADDENDUM!!

OMG! I was looking online for a keto friendly corn bread muffin recipe that would compliment the BIG (no bean) chili recipe that I have on the stove (that smells SO GOOD!!) and I ran across this little recipe that features a little known corn extract (that I have, naturally) by Amoretti dot com. The thing is, this blogger stated that she had purchased the two corn extracts (sweet corn and popcorn) directly from the company (I got mine from Amazon years ago because corn is a hard "flavoring" to find). In fact, I had planned to use this extract in my muffins for tonight and was looking for a recipe that included this, and I found a really good recipe, but that's not what has me spinning. This blogger put this company's link on her site, so naturally I went there...and what I found!! This company has page after page of extracts and flavorings!!! You don't know what that does for me!! IT EVEN HAD POTATO EXTRACT!! And HONEY! I have LorAnn Oils, and her stuff is ok, but if Amoretti's other extracts are half as good as their fabulous corn extracts, I AM IN HEAVEN!!!!!!!!

The things I could do with these flavors just boggles my mind!! They have bacon, maple bacon, graham cracker (imagine an almond flour or nut crust with this flavor!! I can have the cheesecake, just not the WHEAT flour crust, but this would solve that dilemma wonderfully!!), milk chocolate (drool!), baked bread extract! AND Sourdough! (I kid you not!), pumpkin pie (think: pumpkin pie flavored cheesecake in that crust I was telling you about!), cheddar cheese, PRETZEL! , BASIL (EXTRACT!) , bleu cheese, cream cheese (which I can have, but who cares?), S'mores (think: camping), prickly pear cactus blossom , yeast, champagne (2 kinds!), sweet potato, molasses (combine those last 2 in a cauliflower casserole? Could be good?)...and OMG!!! BROWN SUGAR! (Think: BBQ sauce, choc. chip cookies...OMG.) And I'm only on page 4 so far! Oh jeez! "Malted Milk". Imagine that in a cuppa warmed HWC/almond milk to cut hunger as a treat! The way I make it does NOT spike insulin or blood sugars! And it would be a ZERO net carb concoction! YUM!! But it would taste like malted milk. Wow! And I could add some of that Choc. Fudge or Milk Chocolate extracts to it for hot chocolate. I'm sorry to let you know of such a find on this forum, but you have no idea of the treasure trove I've found here!!!

Oh my God! FAT BOMBS FLAVORS!! "Fat Bombs" are keto "snacks" - or in other words, something to tide one over if true hunger is driving them. They are just fat (and on keto, I can have at least 75% of my calories as pure fat, and for most people, they lose weight and get healthier, like arthritis, cancer, heart disease, and so on). These treats live in the fridge or the freezer, are handy to grab, are like little candies (or can be savory), and can save a WOE. And now all these flavors to work with! I'm going to go look through the remaining 10 pages now (653 different extract flavors!!! Whoopee!!) - the only thing prohibitive is the high price of these, but I can assure you, the quality is top notch! And a keto friendly cheesecake or muffin or cookie that tastes like something forbidden is a real find for me!!

Thanks for allowing me to be me!

HB

[honeybera]

REVELATION!!!!

Dr. Phil has a new podcast called Phil in the Blanks. I am a longtime follower of Dr. Phil and I downloaded it and subscribed to it since it's all free. He has a new topic called Living By Design Series Part I. I awoke at around 3am and could not get back to sleep, so...since I have his podcast on my cell phone, I decided to listen to it and ZOWEEE!!!

What got me out of bed at 6am was that in listening to Dr. Phil go on about "right fighters" and who's to blame for what (uh, I am...for all of it if I choose to) was that I needed to talk to all of you. In listening to him, I came to the jarring realization that despite all that MD has done to me (and would probably continue to do given the chance) I love this woman who is by some chance my mother. And I turned over in my bed and bawled my eyes out, heartbroken! I grieved the loss of my mother - the one who was never there for me. Who hated me and called me ugly and beat the crap out of me and raged at me and tricked innocent me at every turn instead of being my champion and affording me a soft place to land when life got too tough.

And it also makes perfect sense to me that I want to go see her. I don't want her to die. My poor pup is dying and it breaks my heart to see that, too. My mother welcomes death since my father died and she had her stroke behind his death, but my faithful old dog is fighting it with all that is in her...brave dog! I suppose that this is my time again for some grief in my life. It hurts me deeply whenever I lose through death, but maybe I can make something good out of it. Finding out that I actually love my mother floored me, but I've been grieving her loss over the years. It was her loss, too, even though she doesn't recognize it or care. But then she never has cared. Now it's my turn to care for me and I'm a pretty good mom.

Listening to Dr. Phil has demonstrated to me that I need to look somewhere other than the past for my worth and that it's my responsibility to do so. And I need to quit whining! I could hear it! "Oh, I'm not losing any pounds on this WOE!" Yeah, but I AM losing a LOT of fat, it's redistributing itself and my liver is ok, as are my kidneys! I am swollen, but we'll figure out why eventually. (My first physical therapy appointment is in 8 hours!) I am realizing, too, that I am responsible for ME. Not my abusive history. I recognize it, but it isn't ME. It probably shaped me more than I'd like to think, but now I can change that. But no matter how angry I am with her and her treatment of me, deep down I still love her. That matters not one whit to her, but it does to me. I am capable of love and she is not. Good on me!

Going back to listen to Dr. Phil again. I just needed to share this with ♥all of you♥.

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Hello honeybera


Lots of things going on for you at the moment and perhaps the biggest is that you love your Mother

Not sure I can quite (yet) say that about my Dad, but I have managed to separate himself as my parent from his despicable behavioural choices

That phrase to emphasise the positive and minimise the negative to me isn't saying to ignore the not so great aspects but to focus more attention on the nicer stuff

May your appointment with the physical Therapist and any others you have go very well. Here's to having less pain and more energy

Wishing you and your son a lovely weekend


Much caring

[honeybera]

Saturday, Feb. 23, 2019

Hey Fleur and all...

First off, let me tell you that our beloved Ms. T has passed away. Last night at about 4am. She was in her master's room on his shirt (he says it smells of him, and I don't doubt that) in her box that we made up for her, lined with a washable pee pad and a freshly washed and still-warm-from-the-dryer towel on top of that and, of course, his shirt. She could barely lift her head anymore and was only skin and bones (literally). It was hard to see her go, and she fought for life so hard, that brave little dog, but it was a blessing, too! She simply had no more fight left in her.

I was also grateful that her fight was so long, since last early Spring when I noticed her walking in circles in the garden and just staring at things in such an oblivious way, NOT her style at all. I realized that she had the doggie version of Alzheimer's. We gave her doggie meds for this condition, and it did help somewhat, but it is a progressive disease and there was nothing else that we could do. Over this past year we've watched her slowly slip away from us, but had determined to NOT euthanize her (or any of our dogs) and to just let God take his course with her life. Well, He did. Last night.

DS is grieving in his own way. We hugged and talked a bit, but he's decided that the comfort of his room is what he needs. I surprised myself by working! I cut up all the big cardboard boxes that were her home. Not in anger though, which surprised me. I felt energized and wanted to just clean up, so I did. Funny, too: my pains in my lower back and upper thigh went away! I could tidy up without much pain. Amazing! I also scoured the Dutch oven I'd burned the chili in and am now soaking it for another scrubbing, but this time with an SOS pad. I truly believe I can save that pan from the garbage can.

===================================(Mid afternoon-ish)

I've decided to leave T in her box in the cool garage until tomorrow just to make sure she's gone. We have a nice "shroud" for her. It's a very pretty golden silk and green ribbon pillow sham. This is so hard. My heart is very heavy, but it was truly her time to go. I can't believe how skinny she had become. I guess she just gave out. I will miss her so much!

Moving on with my thoughts: DS said that if I take some of the lemons from off the backyard tree and cut them up and boil them in the burnt pan, the acidic nature of the lemons will help rid the stuck on stuff that is still there. There's not much left. So I will do so this afternoon. He learns so much from the internet. He said that he dreads going to work tonight. As a security guard on the midnight shift, he knows that he'll have plenty of time to think about our loss, so he's going to watch a Ken Burns series on the Roosevelts that he's downloaded. He's very clever that way. And he loves history. Thank God for him!!!! He's been so helpful through all of this.

For me, I think I'll get more active plus appreciate my garden more (it's really the same thing). Everything I've put under the grow lights for 9 hours a day (automatic timer) has sprouted and is getting ready to be planted soon, especially the SunGold tomatoes (although some have overwintered out in the garden), and EXCEPT the Midnight Dream and Etiuda peppers. No sign of life from them yet. I can just try, try again with them. I think I'll plant some of those "no heat" jalapeño (called Nadapeño - cute, huh!) and maybe more pepper varieties. I love peppers in my cooking and salads. And as they come up, it really lifts my spirits.

=================================(later)

I am really beginning to realize just how much time and effort was put to our little dog's passing. As it was with my grandparents, both of whom had dementia towards the end. And I was the one who took care of them, living in the little cottage in the back where my own mother brutalized me. My grandmother would ask me, "Where are my girls? Why aren't they here to take care of me?" Made me feel like chopped liver, I can tell you. But my grandmother was loyal to a fault when it came to taking care of her mother. She even took her mother and her kid sister on her honeymoon! And great grandma V lived with her until she passed away, ornery old thing that she was.

I did all the work taking care of my grandparents until we got May (a live-in caretaker nurse) and then we sort of split the daily tasks. Both grandparents eventually became incontinent and bedridden. I was like DS is now: the heavy lifter, the errand runner, (I was also "the gardener" and took care of the grounds much to my GMs delight) and so on. Taking care of T took me back to those days in my mid 20s. My God, how green behind the ears was I? I KNEW NOTHING about how to do such a job! It was the summer that Nixon left office: "I am not a crook!" 1974. Oh my. For my grandmother, her diagnosis was called (in those days) "senile dementia", but now they'd probably call it Alzheimer's. Grandpa was never diagnosed, but he thought he was married to Pocahontas. No lie. Grandma, like Ms. T, began to do things that did not reflect who she was. She was an educated CPA and a Good Christian Woman who worked for years when women worked IN the home, not OUTSIDE of it, yet as she declined, she'd leave the house in a state of undress with her pocketbook gaping open at her arm, heading towards the bus line at the corner. Luckily, I was quicker than her and saved her from further humiliation by chasing her down and gently returning her home.

I also remember just how much WORK it was, and with Ms. T it was even worse. As the sun is beginning to fade and it's beginning to cloud up again, I just thought, "Oh no! Better get T inside! It's late and it could rain!" Well, no problem with that anymore. Dearest Spot and Dot can handle that doggie door with ease. They can take food and water from my back step OR I can once again have food for them in their indoor pen without poor T sitting in the water dish and/or spilling the food all over the floor or losing control of her bowels everywhere. In desperation, I just removed all food and water from the indoor pen area and we began the "Box for T" protocol with Ms. T in a toweled and pee-padded box in the kitchen area. What a mess she made in the garage and the pen. But she could not help it, and we did not know how else to do it. And now it really needs a good cleanup with hot bleach water and a mop!!!

====================================

Whew! I went outside into the dog's yard where DS had closed off the area along the side of the house under my kitchen window where a huge bunch of Mallows were growing heartily!! We have a gate out there separating the dog's yard with the kitchen window side of the house. I began with one weed to see if they pulled up nicely...and they did!!!!! So I just kept pulling them up. This area was the old potty area, but T used to get in there and then forget how to get out, so I just had DS shut the gate. We could put T into the dog's yard with both gates shut (to side yard and garden yard) and then she'd have to stay in the dog's yard and not wander off in the yard, sometimes making herself impossible to find, especially at night. Now that side yard gate is open again. Spot and Dot can easily use "the facilities" again over there and find their way back out without worry. Both DS and I have shared with each other how we feel like a huge weight and responsibility has been lifted off of us, but also shared the deep sadness we feel at her loss.

Anyway, I cleared nearly all of those Common Mallows (and there were a LOT of them!) just by pulling them up one at a time and pounding the dirt off the roots on the fence and giving them a toss. Now I can access that area with the weedeater. Very good "exercise" for me for the first day! Lots of bending and pulling action, then a twist and a throw into a pile. I think I will keep this up and get that side of the yard all nicely ready to go. Shouldn't take too much. It's my hummingbird plants (Salvia) area with a spontaneous (and stubborn) Rose of Sharon "tree" (large bush so far), all under my kitchen window. Very nice. A bit of weed eating and weed pulling and voila! That little Rose of Sharon tree just grew there over the last few years all by itself. There's one by my front fence, too. I never even water them, yet they just keep on growing. I had one planted in the front yard when they landscaped the house when I moved in a month before 9/11/2001, so it's been growing and reseeding for quite some time. I will probably plant some other trees over there in the side yard, too, like the apple-pears. Lots to do.

It's funny. Spring is but a few days away (here anyway); the weather is really cold here right now at nights, nearly at freezing temps., but tonight it's supposed to be like a refrigerator instead. Then in a few days, it goes up to around 50ºF at night and into the 60s in the daytime. T made it all the way through the winter, but never saw the Springtime. My old counselor, Dr. C, once told me that tears come like a little cloud floating by: sometimes there are many clouds and many tears, too, and maybe it's just a small shower, but it always clears up eventually. She's right. It comes and goes.

===============================(Monday)

Wow. I just reread this. I'm so glad that I had somewhere to share my grief. DS and I decided to reschedule my dental surgeon appointment until next week. Instead, we took care of Ms. T's remains this morning together.

Now it's time to clean and cook and get ready for the new washer and dryer that I ordered yesterday. Our old ones are missing some operational items (inside fin for the dryer, stabilizer shaft for the washer), so it's time to let them go and get something more functional. They still work, but barely. And so for the delivery to take place, I need to clean off the soiled garage floor and make sure that they have the room so that they can remove the old washer/dryer and bring in the new ones. Plus it's supposed to be raining like crazy for the next few weeks, so now is a good time to get things done INSIDE!

Also, all my seedlings are UP (EXCEPT for the Midnight Dream and Etiuda peppers )! Another 4 weeks and I'll be planting them outside! YAY! Even all my marigolds came up. Life does seem to go on.

My dirty dishes are calling me and we are out of muffins and mayo. ♥♥I love you all!♥♥

Honeybera

[Fleur]

Condolences on the passing of Ms T , honeybera and your son. Both a blessing and sad time

You've worked long and hard to clean yard, garage and having new laundry whitegoods will be wonderful

Salt mixed with lemon is also a good burnt pot scrub - I put water with them and heat the pot gently until water evaporates. Usually makes getting the pot clean easier

Perhaps reconsider using correct name for your grandmother's nurse to protect your identity?

You've certainly had more than your fair share of assisting with dementia over the years. I smiled about your grandfather thinking his wife was Pocohontas - did he accept your grandmother as his spouse?

Great to know that most seeds sprouted

Wishing you a safe trip to dentist when appointment is rescheduled. May all go well


Much caring

[honeybera]

Lots of things going on for you at the moment and perhaps the biggest is that you love your Mother

Well, yes...but from afar. And it's not about her; it's about me. I love her (or the image that I wish she was), but that has very little to do with her and nothing has changed as far as our relationship goes. One of these days she'll be gone from this earth. At least the actual Mommy Dearest person will be gone. But the little child in me yearns for the person that I was saying that I love.

It was always like being in a hurricane with her, and my response to that was that I became quiet. I almost put "weak" or "meek" in there, but that wasn't really it. I was just quiet, like a mouse that is trying not to be seen by the hungry cat. Occasionally though the sun would peek through and I'd think that she was being nice to me, and sometimes she was, but ALWAYS for the wrong reason. I rarely picked up on that and would shyly begin to trust her and her supposed kindness to me, not realizing that she was the cat again, just crouching for the pounce! She was only "kind" for show if someone else was watching, like for Brownie points or something...or those revered "Good Mommy" points. I just slunk away into the shadows and was very quiet.

Sometimes I shone, even brightly sometimes. But I had to always be very cautious of outshining her, which was a fatal error. She put me into acrobats and dancing classes because I was supposedly fat (at age 9-11). But that was not kindness, that was to SHAME me. I did get to be a good dancer, though. I was already a tomboy and loved sports, so she sent me to modeling school, which was a disaster. No, my "soft place to land" she was NOT!!!!!!! And there was always an ulterior motive; it was never just praise and/or love for the sake of it! It was all for show. It all boiled down to shame and plenty of it, laced with an accent of crushing any positive self esteem or self image that I'd try to find. It was brutal!

Not sure I can quite (yet) say that about my Dad, but I have managed to separate himself as my parent from his despicable behavioural choices

I fully understand. I just cannot trust anyone like that anymore. But what hit me like a ton of bricks the other night was the feeling of NEEDING love, not so much loving her and her shenanigans, and feeling very sad that she just doesn't have love to give me. Separation can be a very positive thing.

Perhaps Ms. T's passing emphasized that for me. And my dad, too. Once they're gone, they're gone. I'm trying to keep a balance between that fact (of such absolute finality) and MD's history and track record of such cruelty towards me. She is such a narcissist! I am watching a YouTube video series of a T out of Dallas, TX by the name of Dr. Les Carter who IMHO is really very good! He talks about how a narcissist's mind works and how their goal is control and making the other person feel "less than". Oh, my, YES! He has a very nice soothing soft voice and makes a LOT of sense. And these videos are free. (My kind of therapy!) You can find him on Google. Just type in his name. Perhaps he can show me the way to "get over" old MD, that incredibly abusive narcissist. The time is overdue for a change! But it's nice to let her go by way of understanding what makes her tick and without any anger. Healthier for both of us, I'm sure.

And if I feel "love" for MD on occasion, it's not really love, but just my little one yearning and grieving for someone who never was. Hopefully, Dr. Les Carter can help steer me into a better understanding of who she was/is. I'd like to avoid her antiquated brand of toxicity plus arm myself with knowledge of how to handle it both with the current person of MD and with the monstrous, devious, and violent person that is her in her teens, 20s, and 30s when I lived with her. She implanted herself and all her rampant negativity into my brain via The Critic who resides there to this day. That Critic needs to GO!!

I'm off to bed now. Pleasant dreams to you all. {{{{{Fleur!}}}}}}

Honeybera

[honeybera]

Going to bed soon. Fleur, I want to thank you for the great idea using lemons to help with burnt on gunk on the pans. It really worked!! I got rid of all of that stuck on 1" of burnt on chili (unrecognizable!!) with a butter knife, soaked the rest with hot water and lemon juice boiled on the stove for some time and then left to sit. Then I hit it with a sponge (rough side) and it just came off with a tiny bit of scrubbing! YAY! I didn't even need the salt.

Although I miss Ms. T with all my heart, I'm finally cleaning up the dog poop on the garage floor. We had her staying out there all last summer before we moved her into the dog's pen (with disastrous results there, too). I cleaned up the dog's pen already, but the garage floor really needs it so the delivery men can get my new washer and dryer into the house on Monday without walking through the mess out there. I've used so much bleach water that the entire garage smells of it, but it's better than it was! PHEW!

DS said he'd be my bucket brigade out there, bringing me buckets of hot soapy dilute bleach water as I mop the floor and then dumping the nasty smelly ones in his bathroom toilet once I've finished with them. It's one helluva mess out there, I can tell you! It should look so much better once we get this done. I opened a box up today, and it ended up being children's toys (for donations) and a folder of pics of this house as they were building it. The entire house was still in frames with the electrical exposed. DS was in there, too, waving at the camera except he was only 14 at the time. I shared them with him. Just the beginnings of old forgotten treasures to be found out there.

DS is going to set off a bug bomb out there as soon as he gets in from work on Monday in the wee hours. We saw MANY spiders out there, running away from us as we moved stuff. CREEPY! That bug bomb should take care of the problem for now. TONS of work out there. But day by day, it's looking much better!

Also, in my garden, the peas have come up (3 of them) and so have one row of the Parisienne Carrots! I had given up on them, but here they are! All the rain seemed to do the trick. Again: YAY!

Time for bed now. I'm looking forward to sleep!

Honeybera