My introduction

[Lupin]

Hi, I am calling myself Lupin here for some random reason.

I was drawn to the "isurvive" title mainly because it doesn't indicate an ending to the survival. I am not a sexual abuse "survivor" past tense, I continue to survive every day. In the last month, I have been sent into a tailspin from a "Fun DNA test" I bought for myself and my adult children to explore our heritage and genetic risks. It has been a sort of running joke that my oldest child is the "odd ball out" or "milkman's child" for almost 30 years. The results showed no shared genetic material from the man that raised them. My adult children were clearly listed on a cold piece of paper that they were "Half Siblings" The DNA scientifically showed a paternal DNA share with the man that sexually abused me, manipulated me in many different ways to carry on this abuse from the time I was 6 years old, until I was almost 19. There were many different tactics used over the course of those years to manipulate me.
Until I was faced with the results, I had really removed the memory of that encounter, that one last encounter, from my mind. If I had any idea that the DNA test would reopen so many wounds, I would NEVER have done it.
All of these intrusive memories are interfering with my work performance, my relationship with my grown children, my relationship with my mother that still supports the 90 something year old man that did this to me.

I thought this was finally another chance for my mother to be on my side. I was wrong. It has been right at a month since the big family meeting reveal. (The initial reveal was when I was in my twenties and wouldn't allow my mother to babysit because she still lived with a child molester)

This time around she still isn't capable or willing to provide me with my dream of a supportive mother. I am trying to be here for my adult children but this has been almost a month since the discovery.

I feel like the "expiration date" of my friends/family and allies is approaching quickly. I am tempted to push it down to make other people more comfortable.

I am all over the place. I am half functioning at my job and feel like I am just not able to fully focus on anything. I have started seeing a councilor (again) and I am hoping that helps.

I feel like the abuse happened so long ago. None of the people in the original narrative are the same as they were then. My parents have aged, my abuser is (still alive) in his 90's. I just want to find a place of peace and functionality in my life.

Thanks for listening, (Should this be moved over to "my story" instead of a simple intro? I am new to this. Feel free to ask questions for clarification or respond in any way you feel compelled to reply. Thanks again.

[Booklover]

Hi Lupin (makes me think of Harry Potter) that must be really hard not being believe even after you have proof that it took place.

Safe hugs booklover

[Harbor]

Hi Lupin

Your post is perfect right where it is.

I believe that there are no accidents when it comes to uncovering the truth about abuse. I believe our subconscious selves know when it's time.

I'm sorry your mother is still not who you wanted her to be. Mine is 82 and will never be the mommy that others had. I stopped actually needing that decades ago, but the hope still lurks.

I think perhaps you have been making other comfortable for a very long time. When will it be time for you to find comfort? It's there for you, on the other side of a mountain you must climb. On the way you will have to assess who is really family, who are really friends, and who is really there for you. You will feel selfish, and ashamed, and angry, and then perhaps forgiveness and a sense of self at last.

[Lupin]

Thank you so much for the welcome.

I hear you, Harbor, we just didn't win the mother lottery. It is tough and mine is getting older, sicker and more frail as well.

Comfort and peace is what I am seeking. I woke up this morning feeling pretty good and as I was getting ready for work, I went into a full anxiety attack brought on by nothing in particular. I am really struggling to function at times. I took a small dose of antianxiety, talked to my father (my spiritual support and rock even though he lives over a 1,000 miles away). I am hoping for a productive day.

Love to you all.

[ajei]

Hi Lupin,

A big welcome from me. I look forward to seeing you around.

ajei

[Chimera]

One of the most difficult things about facing neglect and abuse is that the people in your life, particularly family, tend to try to shut you down and silence you, because they are afraid of dealing with it and of how it might change them or inconvenience them. When my sister finally told my parents that our brother had sexually abused her for years, their response was, "We just don't understand why you're telling us this." The subject was soon dropped and never brought up again. So I'm sad for you, Lupin. It just sucks so much when we hope for someone's support (like a parent's) but don't get it, which leaves us feeling like we should silence ourselves and also makes us look at the people in our lives and wonder if any of them really care about us. It can be such a lonely road, but thankfully there are forums like isurvive that are full of people who do understand you and want to listen.