There: 2019

[there]

reisha,
thanks so much.
AAArgh!
Fighting off the low woes this morning.
I don't want to give up on my life. Had SU thoughts. Unhelpful, feeling it's from fear and shame.
Tired of weathering people's everyday slights. Kinda hate living in this freaking building.
AAArgh.
Feeling doomed to loneliness, even with people around, scared of change, scared of not making any effort to effect some positive change.
Unsure of my attraction to this guy.
Feeling like I always have to suffer, can't allow myself freedom to feel just ok enoigh.
T is not working well. I honestly don't care to fit myself into her categories that she likes to treat me by.
Contacted Pastor H, who offered to meet me somewhere to talk. She is the newish pastor from my home church, where I mostly felt good growing up.Was always treated well by Sunday School teachers. Thankful for them.
Just feel like I'm so good at feeling bad.
Can't move my life ahead, even though it's not impossible.
Feeling sad, teary-eyed.
So rejected by friends from hometown. Still freaking hurts.
Feel sad.
Feel like a total loss.

[there]

drinking some gotu kola/tulsi tea to help with this morning's depression and stress.
Mean people suck,

[Fleur]

Dear there


Sending lots of positives your way

Agree with you that mean behaviours truly suck. Unfortunately, I felt very mean on Friday; on the plus side, I was only yucky towards inanimate objects - and no-one challenged my actions

Did you attend today's workshop ? Or maybe Sunday is still your tomorrow? Apologies, am fuzzy headed at present. At any rate, it was great for person to specifically invite you

Glad one of your students created humour

Tula will be pleased to have outdoor exercise when that is practicable. Meanwhile, chasing a ball in the hall sounds fun

I feel sad regarding Su feelings because they sap my energy so I'm guessing that they have similar effect on you. Also because those feelings tend to be strongest when we feel lowest, weakest. I'm hoping you are in a brighter, lighter, space when you see this.

Kudos for keeping up with your home tasks. It doesn't need to be perfect or completed in one go. As long as it suits you and the inspection process, smile....

May your conversation with Pastor be positive, helpful, uplifting. Am pleased for you that the Sunday School teachers were a highlight during childhood

Any chance of seeing another T in the near future? Your current person seems not to be a good enough fit for you. Apologies if I've previously asked and forgotten your response, there

Nice to know you had a pleasant conversation with friend from past


Safe caring hugs

[there]

Thank you, dear Fleur for your generous post.
Am leaving a brief one for now.
Happy I have been working on project today.
Feeling spiritual love, releasing claws of my own attention to people around me. Always thought I had to care so much what everyone thought, maybe holdover from being an actor. If it’s less than love or worse, I don’t have to pay attention to it.
Wbb to reply to your post.

[there]

not doing so well tonight.ht

unloved, unlovable, a failure.

i must have done something to deserve all the punishment.

[Fleur]

Sending kind thoughts for being very gentle with yourself there

Soft silky blanket and warm drink, healing sunshine


Soft caring hugs

[Couragetoday]

Hi there,

You don’t deserve any of the punishment type feelings.
Sitting with you, hoping the harsh inner feelings have passed.

Couragetoday

[earthhorse]

Echoing CT and all the others here. You deserve to feel supported there. You most certainly do not deserve to be punished.

I think you are incredibly hard on you. I don't think this is who you are but internalization of how you were treated for too long when you were developing. You deserve kindness there, to be accepted and loved. And not in some hollow way, but all the way through. You don't have anything you need to prove. You are a successful person with so many skills. Who has overcome so much.

I was thinking about some things you have suffered from. I think many of the things you perceive as going wrong, and which are stressful that you blame yourself for , maybe like losing your cards could be a sign of simply neurodiversity. Aspergers for instance manifests differently in different genders. In women and girls it is less about being socially restricted but about difficulties with executive functioning. I am not saying you have Aspergers. I just want to point out, that is can be useful to also understand that sometimes struggling with structure and executive functioning is something a lot of us suffer from, it is not a 'personal' issue, but simply one of diversity among human beings. Something that is not about 'who we are', just something we live with at times. Being aware of it can help find the right supports, but also just help with self compassion and understanding.

You do all the right things.

Sending all the care you need,
EH

[there]

thanks so much, Fleur, Ct, eh,
Taking tula out before it gets crazy cold again. Will respond more fully later.
Thanks again. Your support means a lot to me.



edited 1x by there- grammar

[iwillthrive]

there,

You most certainly are lovable. You have been of great support here to so many - me included. I’m sorry I don’t have a lot of words and haven’t posted much. I e been following, just not finding the words. Want you to know I’m here supporting you too. iwt