Thanks recover....I am ok.
I am emotionally exhausted from yesterday's pain and from my 2nd visit with the new T. You know how it is... dumping the whole pile of sh-t out on the table to see what she thinks of it. She was compassionate. I don't really just want someone to make me feel better... I want someone that can help me get to the inside stuff. The stuff that's behind my eyes where I can't see. The stuff that still makes me feel scared and alone and dirty and broken.
Thanks recover, for being my friend.
Connecting with you is comforting.
Okay
Moderator: Jonesy
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StillMessed UP
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StillMessed UP
- Member
- Posts: 51
- Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:36 pm
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StillMessed UP
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- Posts: 51
- Joined: Wed Dec 17, 2014 2:36 pm
Re: Okay
Thank you recover,
It does my heart good to have shared something that means so much to you.
I am so not in touch with that part of me... I know it's there, cause I still feel that I can't make choices or decisions or feel what I want to feel or remember what I want to remember. Feelings are so deep and untouched. I don't get angry, I can't let the hurt out or it might wash me away. I am so tired of holding everything in and not speaking, but I feel like there's a tourniquet around my throat and if I think I might speak some truth that is inside me it tightens and won't let anything out. so tired of the things I think running circles around in my head and never coming out.
So glad we met...
Love
It does my heart good to have shared something that means so much to you.
I am so not in touch with that part of me... I know it's there, cause I still feel that I can't make choices or decisions or feel what I want to feel or remember what I want to remember. Feelings are so deep and untouched. I don't get angry, I can't let the hurt out or it might wash me away. I am so tired of holding everything in and not speaking, but I feel like there's a tourniquet around my throat and if I think I might speak some truth that is inside me it tightens and won't let anything out. so tired of the things I think running circles around in my head and never coming out.
So glad we met...
Love
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recover
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Re: Okay
hi stillmessedup,
i am so glad we met too. and your words do mean a great deal to me, resonate deeply with me.
i can understand what you are saying. i know how hard it is. write as much as you need to.
here with you.
love,
recover
i am so glad we met too. and your words do mean a great deal to me, resonate deeply with me.
i can understand what you are saying. i know how hard it is. write as much as you need to.
here with you.
love,
recover
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StillMessed UP
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Re: Okay
It made me cry when I read your last response, recover. Sure is stuff in there, huh?
How did you get in touch with your other parts? I hope my new T is going to work. She's someone I can actually afford. I told her about coloring left-handed to give the little me an avenue to express and she looked into it and said that's a good idea. I guess I was hoping for someone that knew what to do to get to the insides of me. Maybe it's exactly how it is supposed to be and we will learn together and I will be in a safe place. I don't know. my mind is so structured and rigid. the times I have gotten it to release anything, I have had to sneak up on it. If it knows what I'm doing it'll set up the defense against it. Unless, of course, it is ready to give it up. I feel like the whole me will just crumble to the ground. I don't know if my grown-up world would handle that. I was having an emotional hangover yesterday from my session w/ T and I spaced something out and my F says, you better come back to earth. what if I can't some day? what if I won't be able to do all the things I must do, school, wedding, turning off the fan, turning off the propane, giving bj's, running, yoga, meetings, sponsees, 4th step... what if I dropped all the balls and just couldn't do big me anymore?
You still take care of kids and H is still there... amazing.
So glad you're here...
How did you get in touch with your other parts? I hope my new T is going to work. She's someone I can actually afford. I told her about coloring left-handed to give the little me an avenue to express and she looked into it and said that's a good idea. I guess I was hoping for someone that knew what to do to get to the insides of me. Maybe it's exactly how it is supposed to be and we will learn together and I will be in a safe place. I don't know. my mind is so structured and rigid. the times I have gotten it to release anything, I have had to sneak up on it. If it knows what I'm doing it'll set up the defense against it. Unless, of course, it is ready to give it up. I feel like the whole me will just crumble to the ground. I don't know if my grown-up world would handle that. I was having an emotional hangover yesterday from my session w/ T and I spaced something out and my F says, you better come back to earth. what if I can't some day? what if I won't be able to do all the things I must do, school, wedding, turning off the fan, turning off the propane, giving bj's, running, yoga, meetings, sponsees, 4th step... what if I dropped all the balls and just couldn't do big me anymore?
You still take care of kids and H is still there... amazing.
So glad you're here...
Last edited by Jonesy on Sun Jan 25, 2015 11:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: changed ST to MT
Reason: changed ST to MT
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recover
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Re: Okay
(((((((((((((((((((((stillmessedup)))))))))))))))))))))))
oh boy do i relate...i always tell T that working like this is too hard when i have to also function and work, which i have to do. ugh. T and pdoc both say slower is better. i believe it is critical to maintain equilibrium which is nearly impossible while working on this. no easy answer. it is terrifying, i am scared all the time about not being able to do "big me" as you put it. especially since some parts don't want me to do big me, for lots of reasons....anyway, i also have a T who has "learned" with me. he is an experienced T and very smart and caring but not experienced with DID. i have struggled a lot with whether to leave him for someone more expert. i decided that the relationship is too positive and the trust too deep and his compassion and caring and availability is amazing. so i stay with him. if you feel this T is really with you and caring and willing to learn, that goes a long long way. i do believe that a T needs to learn and know about dissociative disorders, but i believe that the relationship itself is the most healing thing.
its hard to say how i got in touch with other parts. TheMan i sensed as a "force that took over" trying to harm me sexually and otherwise many years ago. baby/girls i am very co-conscious with and can feel their feelings often. none of my parts are fully dissociated but TheMan and BigBadEvilThing are the most dissociated. they seem to hold anger, jealousy, greed, lots of ugly emotions i don't feel hardly at all. its terrifying. i feel stupid not being able to better articulate how i got in touch with them. but baby/girls were not hard to get in touch with, i guess because i can feel their/my neediness so much.
sorry i can't be more helpful. you have helped me so much with your amazing poem. really helps me understand the protective role TheMan plays for me; i was never ever able to really understand it until i read this. thank you.
here with you.
love,
recover
p.s. so pleased you are getting married...hope you can trust your fiancé more and more...
oh boy do i relate...i always tell T that working like this is too hard when i have to also function and work, which i have to do. ugh. T and pdoc both say slower is better. i believe it is critical to maintain equilibrium which is nearly impossible while working on this. no easy answer. it is terrifying, i am scared all the time about not being able to do "big me" as you put it. especially since some parts don't want me to do big me, for lots of reasons....anyway, i also have a T who has "learned" with me. he is an experienced T and very smart and caring but not experienced with DID. i have struggled a lot with whether to leave him for someone more expert. i decided that the relationship is too positive and the trust too deep and his compassion and caring and availability is amazing. so i stay with him. if you feel this T is really with you and caring and willing to learn, that goes a long long way. i do believe that a T needs to learn and know about dissociative disorders, but i believe that the relationship itself is the most healing thing.
its hard to say how i got in touch with other parts. TheMan i sensed as a "force that took over" trying to harm me sexually and otherwise many years ago. baby/girls i am very co-conscious with and can feel their feelings often. none of my parts are fully dissociated but TheMan and BigBadEvilThing are the most dissociated. they seem to hold anger, jealousy, greed, lots of ugly emotions i don't feel hardly at all. its terrifying. i feel stupid not being able to better articulate how i got in touch with them. but baby/girls were not hard to get in touch with, i guess because i can feel their/my neediness so much.
sorry i can't be more helpful. you have helped me so much with your amazing poem. really helps me understand the protective role TheMan plays for me; i was never ever able to really understand it until i read this. thank you.
here with you.
love,
recover
p.s. so pleased you are getting married...hope you can trust your fiancé more and more...
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StillMessed UP
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Re: Okay
(((((((((((((recover))))))))))))))))
Thank you for the big hug! I needed that this morning
And thanks for articulating the process. It may sound vague to you, but I feel you and can identify.
There are times when I should be angry, but I am not allowed. There are times when I want to feel sexually but it's shut off. I just wish I could break all these walls down so I could see what is there, but I do honor the part of me that is sure I couldn't handle that. I just keep putting the time in to try to prove that I am good enough, strong enough, healthy enough that I won't simply go away, with drugs or just my mind.
I do feel quite a connection with my T already. She said she was amazed at how I have survived this long with such pain and confusion. She is very compassionate. I think I trust her. I have already told her some of the worst things and she was completely supportive.
I hope your visit is going well. You are doing such amazing work and still able to love. Good on you, girl!
Just curious, How old are you? I'm 52 years old, but I feel sometimes like I am 3
Love!
Thank you for the big hug! I needed that this morning
And thanks for articulating the process. It may sound vague to you, but I feel you and can identify.
There are times when I should be angry, but I am not allowed. There are times when I want to feel sexually but it's shut off. I just wish I could break all these walls down so I could see what is there, but I do honor the part of me that is sure I couldn't handle that. I just keep putting the time in to try to prove that I am good enough, strong enough, healthy enough that I won't simply go away, with drugs or just my mind.
I do feel quite a connection with my T already. She said she was amazed at how I have survived this long with such pain and confusion. She is very compassionate. I think I trust her. I have already told her some of the worst things and she was completely supportive.
I hope your visit is going well. You are doing such amazing work and still able to love. Good on you, girl!
Just curious, How old are you? I'm 52 years old, but I feel sometimes like I am 3
Love!