A small victory in stillness

[MerryRose]

I have been managing a lot of triggers, compulsions and self-destructive urges, lately. It was really bad on Thursday, after I made a big disclosure to my T, and didn't feel comfortable with her knowing.

I just decided to be still and stay in that moment. Like, literally, I spread a blanket on the hardwood, laid down on it put another soft, warm blanket over myself and said, "Just be still."

I live in a very small apartment, so everything is always easily within my reach, including things I might use to hurt myself in some way. But the beauty of being still, laying on the living room floor was that all of my harmful objects or substances were out of reach. Anything in my kitchen or bedroom is out of reach if I'm lying still on the livinf room floor. So, that's what I did.

I had my phone with me when I got down on the floor, so I put on some music to breathe to, and just lay there under my blanket. I had to wait a while for the intensity of the sh cravings to subside, but in the meantime, I was warm under my blanket and listening to some nice music.

It worked, and I didn't do anything self-destructive. In the meantime, I reflected on the fact that laying on the floor feels grounding in a different way than lying on my bed or the sofa. My bed can be triggering, and the sofa feels similar, plus I feel like the firmness of the floor pushing back on me helps me to be more aware of my body in the present, and that I'm safe.

[greendreamdays]

Hi MerryRose, that sounds like a very healing and grounding experience. I think in moments like those being present and still with yourself is an act of self-compassion. Glad you were able to stay safe.