Recognizing the Damage - q&a's on personal power - Q7

[Forestfairy7]

The Courage to Heal, by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis.

Q.) Do you have a hard time nurturing and taking care of yourself? Are you able to enjoy feeling good?
A.) I struggle with these the most, I think. I compulsively appease people (and that often leads to trouble or, in the very least, gradually adds to it), and *occasionally* get productive whims/bursts during which I'm on a mission to do what I *can* do at the moment to move things in a better direction... But as of this moment, I have cavities that need filling, a prescription to catch up on/get back on regularly, a $2,000 debt to my father, dating doubts (talking to a nice guy I hit it off well with at first but am kind of not as sure of lately. He's sweet but seems so sheltered for a guy his age. He's 10 years older than I am & I seem to know more about more than he does, which is such a turnoff. He seems kinda "simple", and I don't know if my issues with him are more about my own issues or if - despite our shared interests and mutually quieter/shyer temperaments - it's actually an incompatibility), etc. As for feeling good, I do sometimes, but I've found that "too much" joy somehow gets slapped back down by unforeseen circumstances , so I sometimes slap myself down (unconsciously via self-sabotage, sometimes alcohol, sometimes overspending or over-exerting myself to exhaustion), to beat the other shoe falling or something. I tend to repeat my parents' views of my issues & emotions being disproportionate, invalid, and too much to bear (& to be punished &/or stifled). I also fight smiles sometimes, shun activities I fear or think are stupid/cheesy (even if everyone else is participating, I'm uncomfortable and shy and deathly afraid of looking like an idiot), and numb up when I get affections I want or need (& have my guard up too high to 'soak it in' & let it do the healing it's capable of.

[quixote]

Forestfairy7,
Waiting for "the other shoe to drop" is a common complaint. Perhaps it is due to our early life experiences which were often chaotic.
quixote

[Forestfairy7]

Definitely, and the family belief that deserving to be happy isn't innate, and that being "too" happy is followed by more abuse/trauma. Kinda hard after all these years of negative & disempowerment to now wrap my head around joy and love being my birthright rather than it being in someone else's tyrannical hands.

[Killenger1019]

Hello Forestfairy7,
It sounds like you have a lot going on here. I am just going to bullet point your points.
• Trouble nurturing yourself (self love)
• People pleasing behaviors
• Personal medical needs that are being neglected along with added financial stresses.
• Low energy levels with occational spikes.
• Self doubt & self-sabotage
• Dating concerns
• Isolation behaviors
• Self protective

I hope I didn’t misinterpretate anything that you stated and I also hope I didn’t miss any of your points. As people I don’t think we recognize the habits that we have formed that enables us to get caught up in this funk. For instance we stop eating right, we allow ourselves to be most comfortable only when we are by ourselves, we spend too much of our energy trying to be everything to others, we only listen to the messages that tell us we are not good enough, we don’t take enough time to tell ourselves that we are good enough, we don’t take enough time to just go outside and breath in the wonderful air. Forestfairy7, I hope you know that you matter! You are good enough just the way you are! I also hope that after you read this be it day or night you will go outside, take a deep breath, and find rest and comfort in that. BE GOOD TO YOURSELF!
Take care!

[Forestfairy7]

Thank you, Killenger. Very spot-on. And it's nice being understood and heard rather than judged or condemned for being damaged goods or whatever. And I'm aware of the issues at hand, but so often, attempts to heal seem to fail or be unavailable (but sometimes I'm able to make progress, in baby steps). It's been a process of steps forward AND backwàrd. Took a chance tonight on one of the things I'd been shunning (something I feared enjoying too obviously and looking like a fool) - swing dancing. I still sorta monitored myself when I did it, partially because the guy I did it with likes me and I didn't want him to think it meant I like HIM rather than my excitement being about freeing myself a bit. Nonetheless I danced pretty well for not having done it in so long, and I enjoyed something I used to claim to dislike (with an air of arrogance and preferring the fancier dances... Probably just a cop-out to cover the real reason - the fear of public vulnerability and the family patterns of putting things down and acting above them to hide the underlying fears of the unknown or the TOO fun or "cheesy" that could make one be seen as "silly"/hokey. I at least faced that fear today, and nothing terrible or painful happened. Whew

[recover]

hi forestfairy7,
that sounds like huge progress! i too find it hard to really enjoy myself for very long. i am able to but then i start getting scared and anxious.
take gentle care,
recover

[Forestfairy7]

Thanks for the validation/mirroring and encouragement and share, Recover it's nice knowing there are others out there taking these baby steps also.

[quixote]

Forestfairy7,
Swing dancing is a hoot! Glad you did it.
quixote