Recognizing the Damage - q&a's on personal power - Q5

[Forestfairy7]

The Courage to Heal, by Ellen Bass & Laura Davis.

Q.) Do you ever feel self-destructive or suicidal? Or that you simply want to die?
A.) I self-sabotage a lot, and sometimes drink out of fear of being overwhelmed by my feelings - even happy ones - but have never actively sought pain. My self-destruction is more out of self-neglect and smaller habits like nail biting, lip biting, neglect of needs and some aspects of self care (like flossing and thyroid meds and such, which have consequences but not enough to make me change unfortunately). I once lied in the bathtub and for a minute thought "why bother struggling so hard just to live... Even when I make my best efforts to turn things around something comes from leftfield that slaps me back out of control of my life and reinforces my sense of helplessness, so what's the point..." But I've never had a legit intention or plan to harm myself. Part of me is too hopeful and persistent to give up all the way.

[quixote]

Forestfairy7,
It's important to take good care of yourself, like taking your meds. Emotionally, you sound pretty resilient.
quixote

[Forestfairy7]

Thank you. And I suppose to a degree I am. I just wish sometimes I could get past the blocks and do more than just keep getting back up when I fall (I get knocked down easily and often, and kinda lie there helpless a while before not being noticed and helped pisses me off enough for me to get myself back up and try moving forward again...). I feel like I'm not really getting anywhere. Just taking as many steps backward as forward, if not even more.

[quixote]

Forestfairy7,
We're not always objective with our own self-evaluations. Perhaps others think of you more positively. Ever check that out?
quixote

[Forestfairy7]

They generally keep themselves at a distance and just ask each other what my problem is when they don't think I can hear them, and I never know what to say of do because even if they knew they wouldn't understand the parts of it that most people in these parts just see as psychobabble.