Broken Children, Grown-Up Pain by Paul Hegstrom

[Helentracy]

This book has clarified many things about my childhood trauma and the relation to my behaviors as a grown-up.

Hegstrom's approach is built on the early childhood trauma and arrested development at the time of trauma.

Excerpt from the book:

"The fragile mind of the prepubescent child cannot process and deal properly with significant emotional wounds. Like any other untreated physical wound, the pain deepens and complications develop.
When we reach adulthood, those of us who were wounded as children will not be able to find authentic relationships or build emotional intimacy. We grow chronologically, but our emotions are frozen in childhood."

I personally can relate to this statement and just reading that this has a scientifically based explanation, I am finally finding some answers as to what is happening to me and what to do about that. There is no more need to feel flawed and worthless. And there are all reasons to heal and grow emotionally.

P.S. In the book there are many references to God and quotes from the bible which can be "gently read around" if applicable.

[Crow]

Thanks for this Helentracy. I admit that I don't read books enough, however I have a book on loan from the library that I am yet to start reading (The Body Keeps The Score).
But just from that quote alone I may have to put this one on my list to read.

Crow

[Helentracy]

You are welcome Yes, Crow, it can be challenging to start reading a book. I myself need time to muster up some courage to read sometimes, because it is often triggering to read the literature that will be helpful.

For example, I was reading an article today about traits of childish behavior in adults and I am still shaken by seeing the patterns of my own behavior in interactions with people in general. I thought that people did not understand me. It is possible, that my behavior was more childish and less aimed at finding resolution.

In Hegstrom’s book the childish behavior is also described in the sub chapter “childish traits at work”. According to it, childish adult will have following traits to various degrees:
- Can’t take directives and creates systems within the system;
- untrustworthy and steals ideas;
- entitlement;
- tardiness and procrastination;
- not being a team player;
- inability to manage anger and emotions;
- inability to take criticism;
- inability to make decisions; tendency to project weakness;
- hidden agendas;
- resentment against the boss.

Each one of those points are applicable to me to a lesser or greater degree. And I have lost 2 jobs because of behaving in this way, and slowly building myself up to be rejected. Other jobs I would quit myself before getting rejected. Still similar patterns of thinking and behaviors. I am not saying that it is all my fault. I do accept that I played a big role in creating a situation during which I felt again rejected and abandoned. Especially the “entitlement” behavior: “Well, someone has hurt me as a child, so now the world owes me. Just be glad that I am alive!” - I thought to myself every time when I felt pushy and manipulative.

[Crow]

Hi Helentracy,

I'm having a big problem at the moment at work with my responding in child mode a lot. I'm only just realising this. So much is triggering me - emails, colleague interaction, my own thinking and reactions. It's a tough thing to realise! I find the term 'childish' a negative term... I prefer 'childlike'. But I know that these mean two different things. I think it's my lack of acceptance that doesn't like the 'criticism' of that word.

I know what you mean about literature being triggering. I've realised lately that the more I am reading to try and help me, the more I am feeling depressed and triggered. I need to try and understand by reading because I can't afford therapy and I haven't got any face to face free options around my way. That's where this place is a great option!

Crow

[Helentracy]

Hi Crow,

I understand how you feel when you say that lots of things are triggering you at work. This is is normal reaction of any person in this given situation. While it can be (and probably is) very uncomfortable, just the fact that you are noticing this about yourself means to me that you are on your path to healing. And for that I am proud of you!

Helentracy

In the book yesterday I was reading a part where it is described how to help a teen to deal with childhood trauma. Even though I am by far not a teen at all (lol, maybe my inner child is a teen), I found it helpful for the times when I am reacting (rather than responding) to the situation:

“How can I help my teen?
- Create safe place in which the wounded teen can express wounds, emotions, anger, feelings, and fears.
- Validate the teen by expressing the value you see in him or her. Itemize positive qualities and repeat the validation often. As mentioned previously, you can say, ‘Nothing you can do, nothing you can say, and nothing you can tell me about yourself will cause me not to love you.’”

Even though the wording here is not the best for my preference, since so many “no’s” and “nothing’s” are crammed into one sentence, I can relate to this, because during the time of as I call it “intense offense”, I just forget that I am loved and worthy and that the little thing that I am upset about (giving our puppy a ride in the back seat without a cover, lol) does not have any influence on how important, valuable and loved I am.

[Crow]

Thank you Helentracy,

I've had to take a break from isurvive for five days just to wind down and switch off for a bit. Been so involved in support and focusing on all of this trauma and I just needed to stop for a while. I've hated being away, but also really needed it. Been struggling to accept this part of my journey...

Crow

[Helentracy]

Hi Crow,

I understand. Taking a break sometimes is just as important as doing the actual work. It’s ok to be a couch potato sometimes (Not that you have spent this time on the couch or anything, and if you did - that’s ok too) I just understand how intense of feelings are being felt every time the working through trauma happens and it can be draining and exhausting. I know that feeling.

Helentracy

[igrowflowers]

Thank you for recommending this book. I have lost so many jobs because of my trauma from childhood.
Or maybe...I chose a lot of toxic jobs which I was doomed to fail in.
I'm trying to keep the one I just started. One week down. I nearly quit on day two, but hung in there.
I wonder if anyone else has job issues like I have. Where you run away or freeze and can't function when triggered?
I wonder if anyone has studied job loss and difficulties and underearning...in c. hildren of dysfunctional homes?
I just can't seem to stay in a job very long. I am trying this time. I need to not quit.