isurvive.org

Hi guys!

I don't 'feel' like an 'old-timer'. I guess I am because I haven't been around for a while.

I have come a long long way since I was last here, and much of that in the past 4 months. I have worked very hard at my healing and it shows. The people in my past have been forgiven and forgotten, and I look back with very different eyes now.

The 'effects' of my past though can still be a challenge. I have too many fears, leaving me feeling overwhelmed, anxious, sometimes dissociated (dissociation is nothing like it was tho). Trust and feeling safe are still challenges. I am working at it.

My biggest achievement recently has been to learn to canoe. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. This comes from someone who still struggles to get out and meet new people, is (was) terrified of water, and gets sea sick! I'm very lucky to live in a place where there are a lot of rivers and harbours, I've joined a small women's group and we try to get out paddling every week now. I didn't think I would enjoy it at first, and was massively stepping out of my comfort zone. I'm glad I did though because it's so calming and peaceful out there, I've conquered at least two of my previous fears, and made some new friends.

I haven't been a part of a community for a while now, and I miss the support from people who 'do' actually understand how I feel at times. It feels good to be back.

Good to see you fightinback and even better to hear about your triumphs. Way to go you.

ajei

I also am glad to see your name back on here. Its been a long time but good to bump into you once more. Bravo on all the healing and new life changes, you throughly deserve it. Wouldnt get me on a canoe though, I hate water, cant swim and have a fear of drowning.

Icarus

Hi Icarus. Thanks for the welcome.

I also had the same fears about canoeing and it took me nearly a year from it being recommended to actually getting the courage to climb into one. My first voyage was a MASSIVE self esteem booster, and further trips I've been able to relax and enjoy the peace more.

Rollercoasters on the other hand are something I really couldn't do! The last time I went on one, I spent the whole ride totally freaked out and screaming at the operator to stop the ride!

Thank you Icarus and please say hi to your other half too.

Thank you ajei for the welcome too. It's good to see some friendly faces, I feel like such a fish out of water.

I'm really struggling with my anxiety right now. I know it will pass because I've been here before many times, and I've worked hard to understand and work with whatever was causing the anxiety each time, and I've won!

This time feels so different. Logically I guess it's just another layer to work through. There are some big changes in my healing right now, where all the mh support I have had is being scaled right back. In the next few weeks, all I will have left is my gp, wonderful as she is, and it scares me. No, it terrifies me.

I know I have been extremely lucky with the various teams I have had, compared to so many other survivors across the country who have struggled with barely nothing. I am very lucky to live in a postcode where mental health is taken very seriously, but...even within that postcode, I know other survivors (with the same teams as me) who have not been so lucky with their journey. So what makes me so different? Is it just luck? or am I just fooling myself?

It scares me that I'm not ready to go it alone. It scares me that I still have so many trust issues. It scares me that I still have too many fears. I guess my biggest fear is my dissociative fugue coming back if I get too overwhelmed, and with no mh team left to support me. I guess I'm afraid of falling, I don't think I've got the strength to go through all that again. I guess it feels like I'm on the mountain and the path is so narrow here and every step I take the path is crumbling and stones tumbling down. I feel like if I take my eye off of what I'm doing for even a split second, the path will disappear under my feet and I will fall.

Hi fightinback

Scaling back support is a scary time for sure but hopefully this is being done because they feel you are better able to cope, rather than a money-saving exercise. That being so? Try to feel proud of how far you have come. Use friends for support and know that writing here is always open to you.