still going on

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

Moderators: Harmony, ajei

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quixote
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Re: still going on

Post by quixote »

Good to see you in here, VAC.
coconuts
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Re: still going on

Post by coconuts »

Hey vac. A lot of reflection going on. I think all of us have lived through countless moments of regret and some of pride. And sometimes seeing where the journey took us isn't a pretty picture. Hurt people, hurt people. It's a sad truth. Even if we never go to more extreme or abusive lengths, the hurt inside of us causes us to act in ways and in relationships we never would have otherwise.
What your friend suffered was awful. Some things. Some actions are beyond cruel. Facing those ugly truths is hard. Such cruelty, such evil should not exist in this world. But it does. Bitter truth.
Hope that things are otherwise okay for you are yours.

Coconuts
Be the Light 🌟 in someone's night.
VAC
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Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC »

Hello,

Late, just stopping by. Hope all are well.

I have worked to realize how much time I lost spacing out....this fugue that I called "nothinglessness" is a place of shade that I still long to go sometimes.

One of the things I have seen that helps me along the way is my personal belief I will not remain "broken", but am at peace when all my ducks aren't in a row.

Later,

V.
Harmony
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Re: still going on

Post by Harmony »

Hi Vac,

I myself have felt the need to duck and cover lately. It takes nothing these days to up my old friend of 'anxiety'. I have to remind myself I am not in charge of the world and its problems. Thankful for that which is responsible. Meanwhile still an old dog learning basic tricks.

Be well,
Harmony
VAC
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Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC »

Hello,

It has been along time since I have had bouts of unreasonable anger in situations that do not require it....once in a while I have to shake myself and remember who I am. It has underscored how much of my life was hidden to me....

I know that sounds strange.

My wife and I have been married for a long time....the other day I was talking to her and she had this dumbfounded look on her face: "I never knew that about you."

Oddly, I remember things that were evidently just tucked away and not for convenience sake.

It is very real to me that men who are running from themselves live too much in too short and time and have to keep running....I think it was good I got too tired to run anymore decades ago. This unreasonable anger has cropped up in me when I have had memories pop up or when someone like a seer got too close to things I had not yet seen.

I don't like this side of me, the gypsy man: callous, cold, self preserving, too verbal with thoughts of hard words running scripts in my mind. Images of being helpless to defend myself as a boy against awful tyranny and impossible situations...

IN front of our home were hospital grounds....there were some huge, ancient cedars there with great hidden hollows there. I used to just go there for hours and space out. I did the same with kites, building aquariums. I ruined my eyes reading at night in the dark. I walked for hours on end in the woods alone....one of my grandfathers knew I did this and had more insight into me than anyone else.

He realized I was vacant, that I did not feel pain, and that I was not afraid (I don't think that is the right word, but the best)....he took me into the woods where he had spent his life and showed me the tracks of some huge animal. We had cougars/panthers....he told me he knew I was not afraid, but the gun I carried was not strong enought to protect me, and he did not want me to wander alone anymore. He was a man of few words but was so kind to me.

He used to watch me when his work day was done and knew I was not ok. I think he knew the reasons....once my dad was acting crazy and did not know
he was around the corner.

That is when he laughed in my face and told me I was not his son (I knew better...he did not like my mom or me,

My grandfather apologized to me for him....I have remembered telling him not to be shocked at anything I did. I will say this in my dad's defense---he was a teenager in active combat in Europe and floated in PTSD. He was a workaholic, a sexaholic, and a liar. He also hated his own life and soul.

I can remember him screaming when we were alone, thank God not often, "GD my soul to hell. I wish to hell I had never been born"

Don't worry I am ok....I have always said I would write a book of fiction based on fact. It would probably be too heavy, but i must do something soon while I can.

My dad needed help in a generation that never asked for help, or knew how to ask---they lived and worked until they could not move then died. I remember their faces so deeply lined with sorrow. I also remember thinking he probably had a split personablity...

The last two things he said when dying that I could understand...."I am glad you are here"....."I love you".
Then he stole a decade from me after he died through his will written by hate.

As I said, I remember thinking when I was a kid he probably had a split personablity.

PAZ EN TODOS DE SUS CORAZONES, MI AMIGOS....ES BUENO EN MI ALMA PERO UNOS VECES DUELO EN MI CORAZON TAMBIEN. PAZ MIS AMIGOS, Y MANANA.
gods_child
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 10:50 pm

Re: still going on

Post by gods_child »

VAC,

I don't have many words at the moment because I am not in the best of places. I just want to pop in and say how much I appreciate what you bring to this site. I consider you to be very gifted in writing and prose. I admire your openness, your vulnerability, and the way in which you lift others up. It's amazing the things the kind hide from our loved ones. Even more amazing are the things we hide from ourselves. I'm glad you had someone more kind to look after you at times. You deserved so much more.

- gc
Member since Oct 3, 2007
102 Old Posts
VAC
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Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC »

god's_child,

Thank you...

All of us deserved far better than what we got....

Sorry you are in a hard place....

VAC
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