still going on

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

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Chessgirl
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Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Chessgirl » Sat Feb 20, 2021 3:54 am

VAC,
Your Dad does sound like a complex man. It’s hard to accept that I may never understand my mom or my dad. I wish I could. Why would your family lie to you about your DNA? My parents I think have lied to me about my DNA. I’m gonna get mine done to find out.
Chessgirl

VAC
Member
Posts: 721
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Sat Mar 06, 2021 3:12 am

Chessgirl,

Thanks....I truly don't really know, but three generations told me a lie. I am going to get my DNA done by another source? I know that if I paid for the service that shows your relatives in the area, I would find out some things.

Many years ago, a kid in grade school had been very kind to me the whole year. At the end of the school term, he came to me and said, "I can tell you this now because we are moving tomorrow....you are my first cousin."

I told him I was not....he insisted he was. I told him we needed to get together and talk....he smiled and said we can't. That's why I waited; we are moving tomorrow.

I told my dad about it and he slung a fit and demanded to know who it was. I told him the kid's name and he stormed out and said he would take care o this. Enough.

People have repeatedly asked me what race I was because I have an odd complexion, made for the sun. Again, enough. The people who might have told me are dead. I am not part American Indian as I was told, not a drop of blood. I am 1/3 Mediterranean, which now makes sense to me since I believe in genetic memories.

I believe one of my recent ancestors lived under an assumed name, which again, now does not really matter.

More recently i have wondered if I have surrendered to the convenience of living in this oh so familiar place and become captive ot the fear of a new adventure at my age.

Age does not suit me, but it is the reality of living. Live is very interesting and appears to be frought with mysteries that demand to reveal themselves despite my desire to not know. At this point, nothing would suprise me. There are things I could say on here, but it is not healthy for me to really speak about sorrows I can't dare to speak to those in my own family, and don't want to throw salt and vinegar into the wounded souls that come to this site.

I hope you come to peace in your search, and the truth is healing and not damaging to you, sincerely.

VAC
Last edited by Harmony on Sat Mar 06, 2021 6:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: ed from MT to NT due to not triggering content nor language.

Harmony
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Re: still going on

Post by Harmony » Sat Mar 06, 2021 6:47 pm

Dear Vac,
I am sorry people have spoken intrusively to you about your percieved "race". Simply put, if someone has to ask, it probably isn't their business. This stuff comes under general courtesy. A similar example, if you feel the need to ask a person if they are "pregnant"? Please just don't.

Race, age, or sex/sex preference can be divisive or unifying. We are all human. What I love about isurvive is that no one necessarily knows your age, race, nationality or other identifiers. We are all human survivors. CSA does not select gender, race, nationality, religion nor income. It is an equal opportunity trauma. Other people's judgments are always about them not you.

with support,
Harmony

Chessgirl
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Posts: 1026
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Chessgirl » Sat Mar 06, 2021 9:03 pm

I’m going to respond to this later VAC. On a little getaway in New England for the next few days. Just wanted you to know I’m not ignoring you. I actually can relate. I thought I was Native American for the longest time, but eventually got my DNA results and was surprised that I’m not. I don’t know how accurate those DNA kits are. I mean they can only track back so far. What about where were the ancestors many generations ago? I am very very dark and I have someone in my last name with a Jewish last name but they were tracked back to Switzerland and I have no Jewish DNA either. I’m not sure what I am either. Hope your having a nice weekend!
Chessgirl

VAC
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Posts: 721
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Sun Mar 07, 2021 2:02 am

Thanks to Harmony and Chessgirl,

I appreciate your kind words....I have been more amused at inquiries about my race than offended.

I have a strong sense of "manners", but sometimes fail without thinking that to some younger people saying "M'am" or holding doors open (which I do for both women and men" is a no no.

I have seen one photo once forty years ago of a tall man with coal black hair and olive complexion, but hard to tell since it was an old b&w photo that was not plain. I only held it for a few moments. The old woman who showed this to me told me he had died years before. I know that I have an ancestor from many, many years before that with the last name of "Gias".

So....on an upswing it has been about a year since I visited the graves of my ancestors. After years of sorting through the lives of hoarders, I have whittled the withering task down to one storage room, two sheds, and an attic. One of my goals is for my children not to have to pick through the accumulation of several lives and wonder "why did he keep all this".

And I am still somewhat shocked at what I find....but not so often. I simply do not want loved ones in the future to find something negative or heartbreaking in their hands. When I tell you my forbears threw away nothing, they did even guard their own privacy and seemed to document.

Perhaps having a secret trove was healing.

Perhaps it was wanting the generation to follow to know the personal heartache, struggles, and the darkness which afflicted them..

Also, I believe the memories of CSA are slowing down for me and coming to an end of revelation, for which I am truly glad. I have destroyed every picture of myself I can find.

One haunts me....the class picture of one of my early years of gradeschool. I was a kid who was so obviously sexualized. I shuddered when I saw it, and had no wonder I did not fit the ebb and flow of "normal" life in this rural arena. It is a comfort to me to know in my heart of hearts that people can and to change, and who I am is not glued to a gravestone but fueled by the choices I make.

I have more peace and confidence with "me" than I have ever had....age 49 was really a hard, but glad year for me. It was the first real time I could look in the mirror and like who looked back. Shortly after that the floodgates of my memories opened.

Now almost 20 years later....I have realized I am still growing. And to be at peace with the process, to trust the process and the outcome of healing.

I am a dissenter, I suppose with holding up to myself the impossible job of making myself whole. Part of my inner tendency is to drift and dissasociate with the people around me, even my own family. This is not made to be funny, but sometimes they have to call me back. I have always had what I call driftinglessness and I think it was my hiding place many years ago.

Equally healing is to realize I was never the hardhearted man I thought; I was simply surviving and putting away the inconvenience of reality. Sort of felt like I was watching my wild self as a stranger and being horrified by my actions. i TRULY can embrace the sorrows and sufferings of others.

My contemporaries.....

VAC
Last edited by Jonesy on Sat Mar 20, 2021 11:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT, as no triggering detail

VAC
Member
Posts: 721
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Wed Mar 10, 2021 4:34 pm

Hello to all,

Sleep deprivation does strange things to me....sure I am not the only one.

V.

Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 1026
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Chessgirl » Wed Mar 10, 2021 6:26 pm

Hey VAC,
Yeah sleep deprivation is tough on me. I know I never can sleep when I’m not at my house which is problematic. Been out a trip for last 5 nights out of town. Only slept 2 of those nights and not very well. I notice that I feel almost hung over (even though I don’t drink anymore) after a night of not sleeping. I really have a hard time functioning when that happens. If I can’t go to sleep for a few nights in a row, I get super anxious and panicky. It’s miserable. Sorry you are dealing with that. Wishing you get a good night sleep tonight!
Chessgirl

gods_child
Member
Posts: 226
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 10:50 pm

Re: still going on

Post by gods_child » Thu Mar 11, 2021 8:06 am

VAC,

I'm dealing with sleep deprivation right now. I may gotten 3 hours of sleep overnight with the last hour or so being extremely broken. That puts me at about 11 hours across four nights. I don't think I'll make it back to sleep before the sun comes up. I hope you are fairing better than me. Hang in there.

- gc
Member since Oct 3, 2007
102 Old Posts

VAC
Member
Posts: 721
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Thu Apr 22, 2021 3:34 am

Helllo,

Somewhat of a game changer....had my last surviving uncle speak kindly to me today...

He is unwell.

He told me he loved me and I was welcome at his home (some distance away) anytime.

He was not an abuser and knows I was mistreated but not about SA.

He is aged and frail....

We met in a restaurant a couple of hours from here and I watched him drive away, standing with his nephew and my first cousin, then I lost it, knowing I might well not see him again.

Mostly to have him tell me he loved me.

My father was older and they were raised apart from one another....they had a complicated relationship. Today he acknowledged some things to me and was sort of amazed I found out about the same time he did.

I have been raw emotionally the last couple of weeks, and have been offended with a couple of family members, but I will get over it. I found out long ago to do my best not to focus on the negatives.
I am far more disappointed in myself than anyone else....know that sounds strange.

Down through my life, I have had seasons of being repugnant to myself....many years ago about the only peace I could find for myself was to stay contantly busy and to do my best to be physically perfect. I am disappointed to finally realize so much of what I assumed was my identity had so little to do with others, and not so much about how I felt about myself, but how I looked to myself.

Yeah, I probably think this song is about me....

I am not satisfied to be alone, and am a constant communicator, but I long for a number of senory images in which I have found peace in my life: walking alone on a beach in the early light long before others would awake to throng; driving a car that would go as fast I could want it go in silence on deserted country roads on which I sped alone; sitting in high place on a mountain in the ebb of day watching the mist overtake the light just before the darkness fell....

Just a few.

History.....realization if I don't record somethings about my ancestors, no one else will ever know. I discovered that a country road closed for years due to a bridge collapse has reopened and I will perhaps explore tomorrow with my cousin while he visits me.
We have discussed many aspects of family history the last several days, but he does not know about the SA.....perhaps this is one of the reasons I have been so worked up this week.

Almost involuntarily I have been drawn to relive the worst parts of my youth and see it as little more than stubborn self punishment. I am glad I lived. I think sometimes I like to flirt with the enemy of me past against myself today.

Thanks for this self-centered catharsis tonight....my thoughts lately is that regret is the poison of time lost which seeks to consume the time which remains. Also a thought....am I so consumed with anger against those dead that I jeapordize the loving relationships with those who live?

I am fighting to regain my love for reading, for writing, for poetry. Also fighting not to lash out....

VAC
Member
Posts: 721
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Thu Jun 10, 2021 2:22 am

Hello,

Long absence....I am ok and enjoying the mild Spring and so far, mild Summer.

What people might call ethical (and I would agree on most counts) i call to my mind the people, because of their fragile psyche, the truth might destroy....the truth is not always good. Sometimes it is weaponized.

In my inner thoughts, sometimes I am ravaged by replays of cruel and senseless, and brutal (add to that humiliating and shame-inducing) moments in my life: now the gamechanger in these replays is the absolute wrath with which I avenge myself...

....and I am supremely thankful it is in fantasy and thought alone.

I have truly hated in my life and I have been hated (I suppose to a genuine extent by those who genuinely loved me as far as their tortured souls could allow). I have known being surrounded by death and bitter resentment.

The the last few years, I think I have discovered the legal bottom to my hatred. I have known intense physical suffering, but am not looking for sympathy: I am, after all, a survivor.

I was so double-lived as a kid--dangerous to the point that people moved out of our neighborhood to get their chldren away from me. I do not like to recall these things. I was also lonely. I wandered the house at night when I was smaller. Walked, rode bikes at night when I was older, drove all night or at least until my folks were about to get up when I was a young teen...after that I did not care about time.

Callous/heart of broken glass.

I loved animals...even wild animals would draw close to me when I was quiet in the woods alone..
I also tortured animals until I was about 10: not constantly, but in strange stages. I am ashamed of this and many other things.

Please do not reject me for disclosing this. I stopped hunting when I was about 18? I won't go into the details and woudl do it again if I had to in order to feed my family ( I know many people here in the South, both men and women, who feed their families and others hunting and fishing. They also supply food banks with fresh meat. For me it ran deeper.

This is why I never allowed myself to go to war.

I am rambling....

But I realized in the hate I felt, because of the unceasing physicl pain that did not stop, that I would never wish that pain on anyone.

I had a friend who was a kind soul...he rented horses to ride, and I went there regularly. A couple of years later, his body was found in the river of a larger city not far away. There as a tire over his head, and his hands were tied behind his back with wire: he had been tortured to death.

Killer/killers never found. He was not a druggy and not much of a drinker. I could never imagine anyone hurting him. I have thought about this off and on for almost 50 years. It took him a long time to die. Whoever did it was the devil himself. It was a justified hatred for it to have been so complete and awful.

I say this with tears, but I can never allow myself to be justified in wanting the people who hurt me to suffer, to hate them. It has been uncovered in me to myself and it is malignant. I used to be a very heavy drinker, but there were a few things I could not stand. I have been a heavy drinker of anger, and hatred, and self-pity/loathing/hatred for too long and it is enough for me.

I don't seek to impose this on others or to try to shame anyone who is in the process. I saw my grandmother shake with anger when she was a very old woman over the things her much older brothers did to their parents and to her, and to their families.

God help us all, but my abusers evidently felt justified in what they did. The one whose identify I knew lived in Hell his whole life.

I apologize to all who read this, but these have been my musings the past few days off and on.

Peace and healing to all on the Journey.
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