still going on

This is a place for old members to come and share how their healing journeys have progressed.
Its also a place for those members to reconnect and share their experiences.

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VAC
Member
Posts: 665
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Wed Apr 10, 2019 11:44 am

Fleur,

Thanks for asking. My daughter is a young professional woman and a musician. She is beautiful and strong. She has an adoring husband.
Ten years ago she was utterly destroyed.

She is a first time mom with a little girl who is her heart. I love to see my girl live.

She is still seeing a T on a weekly basis, the same wonderful woman who has walked her through hell from the beginning of recall.

The last several weeks I think I see the greatest downfall for me as a survivor: that is to try to make sense of the abuse and to find reason in it. It is healthy for me mentally to try to remember the good things about my parents when the descent begins back down into the abyss.

Even doing that has caused me to remember more and to trigger at odd things.

The desire to run has never left me. The more I remember about the child that I was I am amazed there was no intervention by teachers, doctors, etc. I was "rationally insane". I can't remember things about my parents that one would remember, such as birthdays. They were tortured people who were both amazingly intelligent and hard-working. The best description I can make of them is they lived under a "dark sentence".

I would like to talk to them. They both led incredible lives. They should not have led their lives together. The anger and disappointment I feel towards them concerning my childhood, and their diabolical role in my children's lives, is a futile and impotent thing.

They are dead in the hearafter.

My necessary vengeance is that we do not have the ordinary portraits or family images honoring them, and outside of private conversations with my wife, they are not mentioned in our family. They do not exist.


I have healthily realized there is way too much in life that is way too much.


I recently was in the back of a friend's yard: covered with leaves are enough bricks to build a small house. They sit there.


I have enough thoughts concerning all of the past that could build a house of thought, a prison for me, more or less. Those thoughts can sit there, the images dismissed.


There are places in our city that are not safe to go.

I pause when I have an image emerge. It comes from a place in me that was unknown for a lifetime. If I remember it more than once....otherwise it can disappear and never be a part of me again. There are places in me not safe to navigate unless there is a good reason for me to remember.

I have to choose. When I don't, I fall down a long flight of stairs in my inner man.

VAC
Member
Posts: 665
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Tue Apr 16, 2019 6:02 am

Hello,

My last post was heavy....sorry.

Put a dear friend to rest this week...one of her last wishes was that those who loved her take a flower from the casket and put it in water. Watch it bloom and think of her and her love for gardening.

I have a white rose on a counter. In my yard are generational plants she gave me almost thirty years ago. I am going to get some rooting hormone and do my best to root that long stemmed rose.

I truly miss the chat room from the first days I came to this wonderful place. I wonder what has become of several people.

I have been so resistant to writing a book/books, with several offers to publish when I produce a manuscript. Even though I am constantly around others, I am very much a recluse in my heart. The part of me that needs to interact with others does so often, then i need to be alone. Someone has suggested I do an audio book. I have an odd speaking voice, and a heavy accent, but that might be a breakthrough avenue.

I am regularly put into a position I have to help others make life-changing decisions: sometimes this is good, sometimes not. I feel the weight of this more than ever before. Peoples eyes are like clear deep pools in which i can often see the bottom; not all the time, but often. My wife knows that side of me, and is usually aware when I am "there".

I am so personally sorry for the hard things and horrific sorrows others have to face in this life.

The part of me that wants to run wants to pull back from everyone I know and love and to seek invisibility among strangers in place so remote or so large, the prying eyes of soul hunters can't find me. That is when I have to fight disappearing into a hollow place inside where I can disappear.

When I do this, I neglect everything that is important.

Occasionally my wife will say, "Come back to me".

We have a deal, a premarital deal, that we will never chew on or holler at each other. Believe it or not, we have not in almost 40 years (too much like childhood for both of us). I possess a good vocabulary which I can use ruthlessly. Because of that if I really get angry and anything I could say would be toxic, damaging, never forgotten javelins: I get very quite.

She knows. It usually is not her fault, but something that pushes one of my hidden places. The worst I have ever done is to ask her to stop the car, and get out and walk. It is best. She does the same. The power of angry words is overwhelming. We have always gone to look for one another the very few times this has happened.

Honestly, I think we would move away and start over elsewhere, but we are needed.

Our daughter needs us.

One of my personal statements to all things visible and invisible during times of craving running away, is to plant something in the yard that is different and that I want to see come to maturity.

I also have been cleaning out storage areas....throwing things away, giving things away: more to come.


My inner man longs for a place where the mountains meet the sea and I can return to the aquatic life I once lived; simultaneously that same hidden one longs for a walled mid-town oasis deep within a metropolis.


Saying that, how sad I am for the destruction of that great cathedral, Notre Dame. There can never be enough beauty and grandeur on the earth.

VAC
Member
Posts: 665
Joined: Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:16 am

Re: still going on

Post by VAC » Sat Apr 27, 2019 6:47 pm

Hello to all....

Days well spent with visitors from faraway places.

Have another dog who occupies the spot our beloved Rio left empty a couple of years ago.

The weather here has been phenomenal.

V.

Harmony
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Joined: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:10 pm

Re: still going on

Post by Harmony » Sat Apr 27, 2019 10:06 pm

What sort of dog did you get? I have been really longing for a big fluffy dog.

hope all is well,
Harmony

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