Bittersweet realization

[Kittylover]

This is actually a song I wrote about the forced abortion I experienced at 13 after becoming pregnant from csa. I did record myself singing it but I don’t think there’s any way to attach the file to this post. But today I saw someone else in the RA forum say they had a simmalar experience to mine so I thought I should at least share the words on this website .

When you have to play detective with your own life , sometimes you find out there was another life 

I had A bittersweet realization.I had a child….I lost a child….

I didn’t think you were real , I thought I was just some foolish teenager having fantasies , I was pregnant believing in my heart that I was a virgin .

So much I didn’t know then . So much that I still don’t know now . But for the first time I know that your real , you were inside me .

If only I could have saved you … suddenly I’m taken back to the moment you died , feeling the pain in my heart and body , then I see it your tiny body. You were forced from my womb far too soon . You couldn’t survive in the world . They put you in me …then took you away…. If only I knew , the cruelty that made you in me , maybe then I could have gotten away…. I’m sorry , please know that you’ll be in my heart .

I don’t know if I’ll ever deserve to be wherever you are , wherever you are I hope it’s somewhere nice , better then this world that hurt me again and again. Perhaps you’ll be my only child , perhaps your death scarred more then just my mind . I hope not ,I hope that fear gets proved wrong.well for now I’m sharing your memory with this song .

I wish I could tell everyone . I wish I could tell my mom she has a grandchild after all. But will they believe me? I don’t think my mom would , so I’m sorry I have to keep her in the dark , she cannot know that I am grieving for you….. Do you see the secret tears I’m crying for you. So please know I loved you , I love you , my child…

[Jonesy]

Hi Kittylover

I am here, sitting with you at this time. Your words are real.
Sending a hug, if ok