Anger... a child abuse story

[Crow]

Anger... a child abuse story

(Inflicted upon a child)

Anger was an emotion that caused me so much pain,
The violence by my abuser came to me again,
Day by day there would be many fits of rage,
This was all inflicted from such a tender age,

Anger was the thing that drove many an assault,
I spent my childhood told that it was all my fault,
But five year old me couldn't ever understand,
Neither did teenage me controlled by a violent hand,

Anger was present thoughout my whole childhood,
My abuser taking pleasure as often as she could,
Emotional abuse spewed from that place too,
Back then I had no idea what damage that would do,

(Adult feelings)

Anger is an emotion that causes me so much pain,
It creeps up on me when I am triggered here once again,
Dragging my mind to places I really dare not go,
It's an emotion that I hate but it just won't let me go,

Anger overflows when I'm treated just like my past,
I don't want to feel like this, promise it won't last,
I was doing so well to contain it, yet now it runs wild,
I cannot escape the feelings of that little abused child,

Anger as an adult feels so wrong as I did suffer,
A childhood with no protection or a single buffer,
So why do I feel this emotion? - I ask myself so often,
Kindness I should show myself - the impact then will soften,

(Hope)

Hopefully these feelings will in time subside,
No longer anxiety and fear causing me to hide,
The truth of what was done to me on a daily basis,
As a helpless little boy and teenager in hidden places,

Hopefully one day I will move beyond child abuse survivor,
The thought of one day being a happy, flourishing thriver,
It's a hard journey but a path that I must walk,
One that involves constant courage to open up and talk,

Hopefully I'll start to really accept all that has happened,
Show myself compassion and learn no longer to pretend,
It's had a massive impact on how I think and live my adult life,
Conscious and subconscious it's caused me so much strife,

(Wondering)

Why would parents humiliate, degrade and attack their own child?
To be in constant rage, loveless and aggression running wild,
Saying hurtful and damaging things to one expecting care,
Causing fear, withdrawal and a constant nightmare,

Why so often are abusive behaviours excused?
Children are vulnerable, not there to be abused,
Services were involved but blind to what happened behind closed doors,
Why are many children still failed by child protection laws?

Why does it seem like adult survivors are forgotten,
We were once abused children discarded like we are rotten,
But we are resilient for all that we have been through,
Misunderstood maybe, but resilient it is true.

Crow

[Chessgirl]

Really enjoyed the poem crow. The way you described anger is on point.

[Crow]

My venture into writing has come in recent moments of darkness and emotional thought processing. All inspired by other survivors here and their writing...

[Chessgirl]

So smart of you to turn to writing when feeling all these strong emotions. You really have a flare for writing. Ever tried painting or drawing? I need to try more creative outlets myself because man do I have a lot of intense emotions some days.

[Crow]

Thanks Chessgirl.

I think it's a far better effort than my last one! (But that is self critical me talking.)
I have now got the password for the artwork area but until I am more settled in my emotions I can't even begin to rediscover the artist in me (I used to be very good as a child and teenager - I think it was an escape for me back then).
Maybe have a go at some writing yourself...

Crow

[Chessgirl]

Yeah I used to draw a lot as a child, which annoyed my mom so I stopped. I started writing poetry from 18-21 but then I stopped when one of my ex bfs started making fun of me for it. I’d like to pick up both again but am kind of scared for some reason.

[Crow]

I'm sorry your ex boyfriend made fun of you. But I admit that in my very young naive 16 year old self (who hadn't necessarily learned to be more grown up and accept that other people have different interests) I made fun of my girlfriend (now wife) for listening to Abba... I was relentless - not nasty but wouldn't let my opinion go until she threw the CDs away. Years later I realised how silly and unkind I had been.
I would encourage you to have a go at drawing and writing again... maybe secretly for a while. And if you fancy it, post some writing or art on here.

Crow