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Does anyone have any experience of a partner who has been sexually abused as a child, and the result of that at the age of 60 is years of trying to emasculate himself? He wears women’s knickers, shaves all his body hair, and takes hormone tablets in an attempt to emasculate himself. We have recently been having counselling and she suggests it’s because his sexual and emotional abusers were all male and he wants to get away from masculine feelings. He wants to stop being compelled to do this, now he understand where it has come from, but he enjoys it and it makes him feel safe. I would be so grateful if anyone can tell me if they have had experience of this, so we can understand why it happens and hear of someone else’s experience. Hope you can help. Thank you.

Hi Partner

I'm glad you could join us on isurvive, though I'm sorry that you are needing to be here.

I'm afraid I don't have the specific experience you are looking for. The transgender folks I know have always felt "other" from early childhood. The transvestite people I know just feel "right" in other clothing - no harm there. From my perspective, the trouble is he (choosing the pronoun given here) feels compelled and wants to stop - but also enjoys it. It seems like choosing the right path for himself is important for his well-being.

Hi Partner,

I think given their age I believe it might be wiser and more considerate to see this earlier as someone badly wishing to fulfill their gender identity, than a result of your partners sexual abuse as a child.

I think it is actually quite a far fetched argument to put this strong femme instinct and need to express gender identity/fluidity on sexual abuse as a a child. I think you will find that any correlation has been debunked. As such, I would conclude that it is highly unethical of a therapist to suggest this, especially given the history of torture of transgender and gender fluid individuals by psychiatry. Not to say that the abuse didn't become entwined with your partners sexual and gender development, it must certainly would have. Perhaps even preventing the acknowledgement of their true gender identity/fluidity sooner.

When you do research, especially intercultural, you will see that the the idea that gender only exists in binary in human beings is a false and artificial one.

I guess for you it is more about can you still love, support and be with your partner for who they choose to be, and what makes them feel like they are being true to themselves? What are your needs? What do you need to be true to yourself?

Take good and loving care of you,

EH