Loved ones in other forums?

A discussion area for anyone who loves a survivor and needs some support of their own.

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mustard seed
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Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by mustard seed » Fri Jan 16, 2015 12:39 pm

Hello Husband,

Just checking in. Was not sure which thread to post on but this thread seemed best.

Haven't heard much from you about how you are doing, hoping things are well.

I am feeling so overwhelmed. A volunteer from a local group came by to help install winterizing plastic to windows and weather strip to one of the doors. Thankful for the help but he ended up pointing out more problems with the house then I knew I had. I'm in over my head.

So much snow and no money to pay for removal as in previous years; shoveling is one of those things I can do very little of due to limited function of right side after lung removal.
Doing so much healing work, especially inner child work; beautiful. No one to share with.
So much easier to be alone when you are alone rather than being alone when in a relationship. I get that.
Bravo to you for standing by your wife as you do, must be so lonely at times with the lack of intimacy.

Just trying to tell myself that I am ok, don't need a man and can handle all of this. Tears flow as I write this realizing that I have been alone all of my life and my heart cries out for someone to love and be loved by.
Sorry to dump, that's my update.

Warm regards and much respect,
ms

the husband
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Posts: 491
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by the husband » Fri Jan 16, 2015 7:22 pm

Hi mustard seed

I'm very glad to hear from you. Any old thread is fine, or a new one. There's not much traffic in this forum, so not much concern over stepping on toes.

The other problems with your home are stable for now, no more a problem now than before you knew about them. If you can't address them, then it's not worth your energy now. I have always lived in warm climates, so I am almost completely ignorant about snow removal. Perhaps there are some local kids or a charitable source of muscle to help with this?
Tears flow as I write this realizing that I have been alone all of my life and my heart cries out for someone to love and be loved by.
You've hit on my theme for the past little while. I have not necessarily alone, but definately have had to work to receive and feel love. I didn't know what I deserved, what I could have, and how to receive it when it might have been there.

You're right, I haven't reported in on me. I've been formulating but have not yet comitted to writing. I will rectify that shortly.

You have us all to share with. It's not dumping, it's using this space for the purpose it was built for.
Last edited by Aspen on Sat Jan 31, 2015 5:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT

mustard seed
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Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by mustard seed » Fri Jan 16, 2015 7:45 pm

Thank you Husband,

You are right about the house so I'll do my best not to expend energy there. Great perspective and advise.
Will seek out charitable muscle as I don't think it's going to come knocking on the door.
One can hope... :lol:

Looking forward to your update.

I do recognize love of friends and such but still lacks deep intimacy and not always available in the moment I need it. Have enough of it to keep me going though and learning to provide it for myself.

Thanks for this thread, and your wisdom in pointing out it's purpose. I need it.
warm regards,
ms

mustard seed
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Posts: 1521
Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2014 8:49 am

Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by mustard seed » Tue Jan 20, 2015 12:36 pm

Ok Husband,
Let's have a go with this:
Do you believe in God? Fate? Something?
On Saturday, my ex called needing to do laundry-no money for laundromat-I was home alone as my daughter was at a friend's for a sleepover; of course I said yes come on over. In the past the deal has been his laundry is worth one hour of labor (muscle) for things I am unable to do.

While he was here I missed a phone call and retrieved a message from the police; a new lead investigator which brought me into an automatic emotional reaction. It was intense, feeling rejected by previous lead who worked on my case nearly two years; like I did something wrong to offend him and couldn't fix it. Feeling like we are starting over at the beginning.

And who was here while I'm in my childlike state but my ex who responds so lovingly, holding me, telling me to just let it out, that I am safe, that he cares and is here for whatever I need. Brings me tissues, makes me tea, a hot water bottle and will stay by my side until I fall asleep.

And when will these automatic emotional reactions stop? In the meantime, no coincidence he was here.
And yes, spent the night and after my reaction subsided we shared intimacy in a way that was so very different from ever before. I think it's the first time I actually made love. I can't explain with words how it was different; it was different in my brain and in my body. Amazing, truly amazing and awesome.

WTF???? (excuse my language)
Thoughts on this one?
ms

mustard seed
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Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2014 8:49 am

Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by mustard seed » Mon Feb 02, 2015 12:06 pm

Hello Husband,
I realize you have much on your plate so I will provide some answers to myself.

I've discovered the root of the automatic reaction to the latest event during some inner child work; so I know (or hope at least) that the automatic reactions will subside and one day cease altogether.
Since finding the root cause, I'm less disturbed by having them and know to remain with them and see it through. There is peace in that, some joy too in discovering how to handle them.

I do believe in God and that there are no coincidences so my ex being here at the exact time is like a gift from Him, who I cry out to in my distress. So can one "cheat" on some future husband that may or may not come to fruition? Am I sabotaging some future relationship by being with my ex in an intimate way?

Really it's an issue of my own moral compass and between me and God, so I leave it to Him to speak to my heart and provide the direction. Perhaps I am strong enough now not to need the physical intimacy; somehow I'm not sure that is true at the moment but will be true at some point.

Until then I do the best I can to continue moving forward towards healing in every way needed; and will grab hold of every good thing contributing to my goal. I am responsible for my own decisions and actions.

Good to talk to you (if you read this) and if not; good to talk to myself.
Hoping things are well with you,
with respect,
ms

the husband
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Posts: 491
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by the husband » Mon Feb 02, 2015 8:00 pm

Hi mustard seed

I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner - not sure how I missed it when you first wrote it.
So can one "cheat" on some future husband that may or may not come to fruition? Am I sabotaging some future relationship by being with my ex in an intimate way?
I don't think you can cheat on somebody who has not materialized yet, nor can you sabotage a relationship does not exist yet.

I think the questions are really:
>Is this relationship is meeting your needs in a way that is safe?
>Will you be able to end this relationship to pursue the relationship you want for yourself in the future?

mustard seed
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Posts: 1521
Joined: Mon Sep 22, 2014 8:49 am

Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by mustard seed » Tue Feb 03, 2015 1:50 am

Thanks Husband,

I can answer yes to both of those questions so I think I have peace, waffle sometimes; trying not to be a bad girl-but the root of that feeling was/is a lie. So not true of me. My need for intimacy in every form is valid and it's ok or good even for me to grab hold of it whenever I need to and whenever the opportunity presents itself.

All is well for today,
hope this finds you well. It's been a tough bit for you lately.
With respect and caring,
ms

SweetestGirl

Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by SweetestGirl » Sun Aug 14, 2016 7:22 am

Hi the husband. Your insight is wonderful. :D I hope that you're doing well.

SweetestGirl

Healinghope
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Joined: Mon Aug 08, 2016 10:45 am

Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by Healinghope » Sun Aug 14, 2016 1:58 pm

the husband wrote:This might be controversial, but since it's just me representing the Loved Ones right now there really isn't much threat of hurt feelings:

I do read the other forums at times, just trying to understand things from my wife's point of view. I know some survivors have come to this forum looking for the same thing, which I think is good.

While merely reading does no harm in the other forums, I have long wondered if having a Loved One post there is problematic. It could be coincidence or my imagination, but it is my perception that threads have withered upon my posting to them. I am curious if there is sometimes a perceived loss of safety or privacy that we (I) should keep in mind?
Hi, this is such a helpful post because I've found myself needing to move forums because although I've been really careful not to disclose our story or his, I've found of late that I'm being triggered into needing to reach out more and more, which risks me spilling how I'm really feeling about my survivor gone awol again. I've been feeling hemmed in, if that makes sense, and the last post on friends and family where I've reached out, was met with a few bang on assumptions made by the MS(Male survivor) who replied, even when I hadn't even mentioned those things. I'm confident that it wasn't my own survivor but It made me realise the similarities survivors experience in stories and it could have drawn attention to my posts... but also made me feel defensive and like I shouldn't be hurting, so I replied almost apologising for trying to understand, then deleted that! I wasn't free to be me ...sorry I'm rambling , its such a relief to be here!
Last edited by Jonesy on Sun Aug 14, 2016 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT TO NT

Fleur
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Re: Loved ones in other forums?

Post by Fleur » Mon Aug 15, 2016 7:07 am

Hello HealingHope

Think you're spot on with many similarities between groups of survivors
There are also many ways in which a survivor handles life - whether a choice, or having their brain impose unconsciously, smile
This means that each person's experience is a unique blend

I'm sorry someone took offence, or upset you on another forum/site

We do our best to be supportive here
However, words alone without 3D input, can be taken as meaning something different by another person
If that happens to you, please request clarification

Kind regards
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

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