I've talked a little bit about my 16yo sister. Just for a bit of background, she was a fighter growing up, and was always very spunky. With friends, she was always the life of the party. Laughing and humor were two of the things she did best. Now though, she's become something of a hermit. She writes and stays on the computer all day, living in the fantasy world she has created for herself. She is very depressed, often sick, won't eat, doesn't sleep at night but sleeps in late in the day, wants to SH, and doesn't really care about life. Also, she has very few friends. It's really hard for them (and me) to understand that this once vibrant, fully alive personality could fall so dormant.
I'm having such a hard time being there for her. Overall, she's a safe person for me, but she can be so snappy, rude, and mean, and tries to get out of chores. It triggers me, reminding me of my mom. It makes me want to avoid her. Still, I try to keep an eye on her, listen, encourage her to eat, but I'm hardly ever home. She's in T, and on meds but still, she's really struggling. My dad and brother don't get it at all. They tell her to snap out of it, get control of herself, choose to be happy, and that she's just like our mom. I see her hurt, but I just don't know what to do.
Does anyone have any suggestions for handling this? The hardest times are when I'm triggered. How do you support someone who is a good person but triggers you about someone who isn't?
My sister
Moderators: Aspen, Jonesy, Harbor
-
- Member
- Posts: 1406
- Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:13 am
My sister
"Isn't it bewildering…that everything is so beautiful, despite all the horrors that exist?" ~Sophie Scholl
-
- Member
- Posts: 40
- Joined: Thu Oct 18, 2012 9:03 pm
Re: My sister
Wonderful of you to care so much and so intelligently for your sister! She is very very lucky to have you in her life.
Two years ago I was the mother of a 16yr old girl. It felt impossible. It was the worst period I ever went through in my parenting, if not my entire life - seriously. She was absolutely hideous to me. She was working through some family dynamics due to my divorce from her father and I got the brunt of it. I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. That was the 18 months that I drank heavily.
So part of it is probably just the age, and if the family dynamic has been unhealthy it seemed to really fester at that age.
I learned a lot about love during that time. I read and meditated on love and compassion every waking moment. I'm happy to say that now my daughter is a fine, kind, pleasant person - independence from family life really helped. We have a good relationship now that she is on her own. I think that I was able to demonstrate healthy behavior (aside from the drinking, which remarkably was not as destructive - except to my health - as it sounds). I set a high bar for us both. I was very careful not to shame her and to forgive.
So from my experience I think your sister probably could use a good role model, someone who doesn't pry or judge, who encourages healthy activities and behavior. A listening ear, someone she can trust. At that age young people need to learn to begin to take care of themselves, seek what they need and want in life. Hopefully she will get tired of feeling low and being to make changes. And I think you will be there to help
Best wishes to her and to you!
Two years ago I was the mother of a 16yr old girl. It felt impossible. It was the worst period I ever went through in my parenting, if not my entire life - seriously. She was absolutely hideous to me. She was working through some family dynamics due to my divorce from her father and I got the brunt of it. I very nearly had a nervous breakdown. That was the 18 months that I drank heavily.
So part of it is probably just the age, and if the family dynamic has been unhealthy it seemed to really fester at that age.
I learned a lot about love during that time. I read and meditated on love and compassion every waking moment. I'm happy to say that now my daughter is a fine, kind, pleasant person - independence from family life really helped. We have a good relationship now that she is on her own. I think that I was able to demonstrate healthy behavior (aside from the drinking, which remarkably was not as destructive - except to my health - as it sounds). I set a high bar for us both. I was very careful not to shame her and to forgive.
So from my experience I think your sister probably could use a good role model, someone who doesn't pry or judge, who encourages healthy activities and behavior. A listening ear, someone she can trust. At that age young people need to learn to begin to take care of themselves, seek what they need and want in life. Hopefully she will get tired of feeling low and being to make changes. And I think you will be there to help
Best wishes to her and to you!
-
- Member
- Posts: 2111
- Joined: Fri Jul 22, 2011 9:29 pm
Re: My sister
Hi Butterfly,
I am sorry as this sounds really hard. I agree that your family is very lucky to have you.
I relate quite a bit to aspects of this. All I can say is that for the longest time I tried to deal with it in the way I wanted to be able to. In retrospect it always ended up with me being torn apart. You have a million times more insight than I did and at half my age.
There is no way of getting away from the fact that there are aspects of my sisters behaviour that are very like my fathers. She is in no way the same as him. So very different. It is way more complex than that. But sadly the part of her that is like him in behaviour is both objectively very difficult and personally very triggering for me. I have had to deal with the reality of that eventually.
The way I have done that is by looking at situations that tend to trigger this type of behaviour from her. One is me telling her I am hurting or showing vulnerability. The second is discussing anything relating to my mother. There are various other things too. It hurt a lot to exclude these from our relationship as I love her more than any other person but that is what I needed to do and have done.
My sister is always in and out of trouble. The way I have managed this eventually is to be there when she asks for my support. To care for her but also not to shy away from saying things that might be difficult to say when she needs to hear them. To accept that I can't fix things for her and can only support her helping herself. But to be very firm in not accepting her being hurtful to me as I have learned that that is not good for either of us.
I really can't say what is right for you as there is always so many variables but for me it has meant looking it the situation realistically. Protecting myself first as otherwise I am not good to anyone. Doing all I can to help her but not forcing it on her or enabling her bad behaviour. I hope this makes some sense.
I am sorry as this sounds really hard. I agree that your family is very lucky to have you.
I relate quite a bit to aspects of this. All I can say is that for the longest time I tried to deal with it in the way I wanted to be able to. In retrospect it always ended up with me being torn apart. You have a million times more insight than I did and at half my age.
There is no way of getting away from the fact that there are aspects of my sisters behaviour that are very like my fathers. She is in no way the same as him. So very different. It is way more complex than that. But sadly the part of her that is like him in behaviour is both objectively very difficult and personally very triggering for me. I have had to deal with the reality of that eventually.
The way I have done that is by looking at situations that tend to trigger this type of behaviour from her. One is me telling her I am hurting or showing vulnerability. The second is discussing anything relating to my mother. There are various other things too. It hurt a lot to exclude these from our relationship as I love her more than any other person but that is what I needed to do and have done.
My sister is always in and out of trouble. The way I have managed this eventually is to be there when she asks for my support. To care for her but also not to shy away from saying things that might be difficult to say when she needs to hear them. To accept that I can't fix things for her and can only support her helping herself. But to be very firm in not accepting her being hurtful to me as I have learned that that is not good for either of us.
I really can't say what is right for you as there is always so many variables but for me it has meant looking it the situation realistically. Protecting myself first as otherwise I am not good to anyone. Doing all I can to help her but not forcing it on her or enabling her bad behaviour. I hope this makes some sense.
-
- Member
- Posts: 1406
- Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2012 6:13 am
Re: My sister
LifeSurfer and Silent, I read your posts several times through. Thank you both. It does make sense that she's just at that age, as well as dealing with all the abuse from our past. The meds also seem to be helping finally.
Silent, what you wrote about not discussing topics even when you want to made a lot of sense. I often want to talk to her about things that it turns out she can't handle. I will curtail that. Thank you both again. I'm taking your suggestions to heart.
Silent, what you wrote about not discussing topics even when you want to made a lot of sense. I often want to talk to her about things that it turns out she can't handle. I will curtail that. Thank you both again. I'm taking your suggestions to heart.
"Isn't it bewildering…that everything is so beautiful, despite all the horrors that exist?" ~Sophie Scholl
-
- Member
- Posts: 335
- Joined: Sun Oct 07, 2012 9:43 pm
Re: My sister
hi becomingbutterfly
my thoughts on this your post about your sister is maybe she has just started to go though the abuse that happened and this is her way of dealing with it. sometimes it takes all our energy just to get up while we are healing. i am sorry to hear that your sister as gone from such a bubbly person to a hermit. i think this may be her way of coping. the only thing you can do is let her know you understand how she feelings and are there when she needs you. i dont see a bad person i see a hurt person doing what they can to survive. and struggling. please try not to be triggered by her i dont think she is being like your mum. try to instead imagine she is going though the same abuse stuff as you are and needs you. you could both end up being helpful to each other.
just if you can try to be there for her liston and talk. let her know you dont blame her and that you believe her, dont critiscise or judge. be gentle.
you are a very caring person and i think you are great for wanting to help even though she triggers.
englishrose
my thoughts on this your post about your sister is maybe she has just started to go though the abuse that happened and this is her way of dealing with it. sometimes it takes all our energy just to get up while we are healing. i am sorry to hear that your sister as gone from such a bubbly person to a hermit. i think this may be her way of coping. the only thing you can do is let her know you understand how she feelings and are there when she needs you. i dont see a bad person i see a hurt person doing what they can to survive. and struggling. please try not to be triggered by her i dont think she is being like your mum. try to instead imagine she is going though the same abuse stuff as you are and needs you. you could both end up being helpful to each other.
just if you can try to be there for her liston and talk. let her know you dont blame her and that you believe her, dont critiscise or judge. be gentle.
you are a very caring person and i think you are great for wanting to help even though she triggers.
englishrose