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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Posted: Sun Mar 24, 2019 3:55 pm
by the husband
Thank you coconuts and Fleur

My wife is in therapy, so she may end up processing there. I appreciate the thinking about tantrums and embarrassment.

I chose to wait this out a little on the chance that this was some sort of tantrum and she was embarrassed - plus I've been pretty busy so choosing the best time to talk was going to be difficult.

Yesterday she got up before me to do an errand and returned with breakfast. This never happens. Today at breakfast (I usually make weekend breakfasts) she asked me for help, stating that she felt she has been drinking too much. She went on to say that she felt that her drinking was a contributing factor in our argument of the other night. She said she wanted to apologize again. I gently pointed out she had not previously apologized at all, and that I was relieved that she was doing so now, because it had been a difficult and confusing evening. She said she was ashamed and shocked by her behavior, and looking back it made no sense. We made a plan to curtail our drinking and replace with exercise (and water).

Success! Thank you for your support, both of you. Knowing that you were listening and validating helped me keep it together long enough for the smoke to clear.

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Posted: Sun Mar 24, 2019 6:31 pm
by coconuts
So glad you guys were able to have a conversation and make some plans. When I get that way I feel like I cant understand why I'm acting that way. In my head I'm telling myself that I'm acting childish or overacting. I'm telling myself to stop but it just keeps going.
Good plan to use exercise as a way to feel better. Especially if she is trying to process in therapy.

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Posted: Fri Mar 29, 2019 3:14 pm
by Fleur
Hello the husband


Can be really tricky for me to apologise - I can think I've done so, therefore become puzzled when people arc up or I might forget I've said my piece and start afresh which tends to upset others

Great to know that you and your wife are making joint decisions, plans

Very happy to know therapist is assisting

May you and family enjoy last weekend of March


Much caring

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Posted: Sat May 04, 2019 7:20 am
by the husband
We nearly fought last night, but my wife wisely veered off and went to bed instead.

We were chatting about her new job and I made the same old joke about how I am older (3 years) and how she will keep me in the comfort to which I have been accustomed to in my retirement. This is vaguely amusing because I full time and then work on household projects on the weekend - basically the idea that I would relax in retirement is laughable. This time she retorted that she paid all the bills last year and had handled a myriad of other household things. She saw I looked puzzled and said this was not the time for an argument - so she went to bed.

Today I asked her if she had perceived that I was criticising her for not working more (she has been off for long periods due to injury, additional education, depression, job changes, child-rearing of course, stress, etc.). She said that she had misheard me and began going down that road, but then realized she was overtired and walked away. On her way to bed she realized that I would never say what she thought I had said, and in fact had expressed the opposite many times.

Progress!

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Posted: Fri May 17, 2019 3:15 pm
by Fleur
Celebrating with you the husband ... may there be myriad other progress moments

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Posted: Fri Oct 04, 2019 7:27 pm
by the husband
Somewhere in this thread I described a terrible vacation experience with my wife, if which she became fixated on "having a having a good time on vacation" if it killed us (which it might have had we been allowed to rent kayaks in a lightning storm). It was pretty clear she was running away from her thoughts and feelings and couldn't sit still. We had promised the kids we would stay in, do a little homework, and watch movies while the storm ran its course. Emotionally she was all over the place, and it was hard for me to manage her and our young kids thousands of miles from home. She denied any issue. I was pretty mad.

It has been some years hence, but I have been resistant to traveling long distance with her. She'll suggest a grand vacation, and I will suggest something closer to home. Usually we don't go at all.

Last night we were talking about the part of the family that we were visiting back then, and she told me how upsetting it was for her on that trip that so many of them said that they knew her stepfather/abuser was a bad person and that her mother was mentally ill. She hadn't told me that. Had I known, I could have understood and supported her at the time. She was surprised that I didn't know, but realized I had not been present and she could not recall telling me. She confided that, even though the kids wanted to go back, she was feeling pretty anxious about it. Most reading this will know, but for the sake of those who don't: The fact that all of those family members KNEW that she was practically alone with a really bad person at such a young age - and did nothing, made her feel completely unloved. She should have been protected by her family, but they simply tutted about it to each other and let it happen.

The reason I bring this up is to tell you what a relief it was, after all these years, to finally understand what was happening in my life. It was also a relief to know she is feeling apprehensive about going back there. Now that I know that there was a clear cause for all that, I feel safer about going on a long trip.