A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

A discussion area for anyone who loves a survivor and needs some support of their own.

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Fleur
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Thu Jan 10, 2019 12:33 am

Hello thehusband


Our unspoken thoughts and feelings can be a bit like the unmentioned "elephant in the room" - impacting us yet we are perhaps unaware on a conscious level

I felt I was walking on eggshells around my husband, but that awareness only emerged after I departed. May you and your wife, family, remain as a loving unit as you explore life's adventures together


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Thu Jan 17, 2019 7:39 am

Hi Fleur

We seem to be getting on okay at the moment. She caught a miserable cold, so her aspirations are a moot point just now. She started in on our daughter a bit the other day because my daughter was on her phone shortly after being picked up from school, but our daughter calmly stated she was exhausted and just wanted a few minutes of quiet before talking. My wife was chagrined when our daughter elected to take the bus most of the way home the today. On the plus side, our daughter was ready to chat after a nice quiet bus ride.

Fleur
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Fri Jan 18, 2019 5:45 am

Hello thehusband


Sounds to me as though your daughter has integrated your approach to life. I imagine being ready to chat after a quiet bus ride would mean a more informative conversation occurred than otherwise might have happened

May your wife soon recover from ailment

Wishing you and your loved ones very good health


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Posts: 488
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:56 am

Hi Fleur

Yes, our daughter really is the best of both of us.

My wife still has things going on, but she did something pretty great the other day: Apparently she wasn't feeling up to our usual intimacy, but instead remembered to nurture me in other ways. It was very nice and had the effects of feeling close without the tension of feeling false.

Fleur
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Sun Feb 03, 2019 3:21 am

Thank you for sharing a lovely experience thehusband
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Posts: 488
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Mon Feb 18, 2019 8:00 am

For reasons that my wife has not yet disclosed fully, she is not working as much as she could. In times past she would instead retreat to our room to watch Lawn and Order SVU on endless loop, but she's been handling household affairs. That's totally acceptable.

Fleur
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Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Mon Feb 18, 2019 9:44 am

Hello thehusband


That seems a positive situation for you at present

May your wife trust you with her reasoning when ready regarding reduced working hours


Kind regards
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

the husband
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Posts: 488
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Fri Mar 22, 2019 8:44 pm

I'm annoyed.

Last night my wife and I were discussing that our son, who is 18, would like our assistance in buying a used car. They had one picked out that was a good model and price, but had been sitting in the dealer's lot for awhile. My wife handles our finances, so she was just checking in with me about how much we would contribute and what would be most advantageous for our son's credit. She also asked me what I thought about the car being unsold for so long.

I mentioned a few things that could be red flags and said that our son should check on them, and said that "other than that I gave you carte blanche."

She took exception to this, saying what do you mean, your GIVING me carte blanche? I explained what she already knew, that there is a very stressful process happening at work and that I couldn't really focus on the details of the car deal, but that I trusted her and our son to make the best decision and handle it without having to wait to bring me up to speed and get my approval. Carte blanche. She felt that I was being arrogant in giving her permission she didn't need, and I pointed out that she had asked for my input and that normally we discuss and agree on financial matters before initiating them. It didn't matter to her that I have never given any reason to think that I would behave in an arrogant and controlling matter, nor that carte blanche is generally a positive term that I had used properly here. She actually got quite ugly about it. I stopped trying to explain and simply reiterated that I wasn't going to be able to participate in the car buying for a little bit and that they should proceed without me. It left a bad taste in my mouth. She went to bed before I did and got up after I left for work, so there has been no resolution. I expect a "Sorry we fought"at some point, but that's not really an apology.

All I can figure is that she has said several times how bad she feels that she has not been working much recently. I have made no mention of it and have applied no pressure for her to work more. I think she feels that we are unequal because I am working, and perhaps my carte blanche comment seemed like a confirmation that I felt this way too.

It has been hard to keep my mind off of some of the things she said, but I know she gets angry and just starts saying mean things that she seems not to recall later. Still, every time she does this I feel like she erodes some of what we have built together. I feel like she doesn't understand me, if she thinks and says those things about me.

coconuts
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by coconuts » Fri Mar 22, 2019 10:07 pm

This makes me think about a little temper tantrum I throw a week ago. I felt so stupid and ashamed after. I brought it up in counseling and my T said in his opinion adults don't act that way. But our younger less controlled selves do. That sometimes something will trigger something and the nice rational adult leaves. The reactive insecure teen or child comes in it's place. That's literaly how I felt. Like in the background in my head I was telling myself to chill out and just stop, but whatever impulsive part of me that was in control at that moment wanted to make everyone suffer as much as I was suffering.

I imagine she does feel a lot of insecurities about her lack of helping lately. That's a hard place to be for a victim/ survivor...depending on someone else for everything. We are at heart control freaks. We didn't get it then so we demand it now. It's a hard place to be and we can see it eroding things around us but sometimes we can't figure out what to do about it

Fleur
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Posts: 13360
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Fleur » Sun Mar 24, 2019 9:34 am

Hello the husband


Sounds truly difficult

I wonder if you shared with your wife those feelings you say about here if that might be helpful in pointing out that you hurt?

Maybe .... Only maybe, given previous writing, now could be useful time for your Wife to review her responses with a trusted health professional? Not working outside your home might be an opportunity for her?

We can merely suggest. Not make choices for others

As usual, am impressed that you can have a balanced view of the situation


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

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