A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

A discussion area for anyone who loves a survivor and needs some support of their own.

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Impostor
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A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Impostor » Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:57 am

Hi theHusband.
I hope the holidays don't put too much pressure on you. Be well. I'm glad to hear that you are cuddling happily.

the husband
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:07 am

Hi Imposter. It's good to hear from you.

My wife as decided (and I agreed) that she should slow down over the holidays and concentrate on the progress we've made, what's good in her life, and to build up her inner resources. I do feel that she is taking comfort in being affectionate with me. She initiates hugging now, and they are long hugs that she seems to melt into.

Beginning rant:
The holidays are hectic on their own, and there's a fair chance that one of her relatives will pop up and say something horrible. I wish I could scan and share the Christmas card her aunt sent last year - it was so vitriolic that it was hilarious if one could detach from the hate. I definitely expect her father and stepmother to contact me regarding gift ideas for the kids - kids they have made no effort to see in a couple of years now despite living about 20 minutes away. I wobble between "Why bother? They know you've discarded them and this will only remind them." to "Gift cards would be fine. Impersonal? Well yes, because you have chosen not to know them anymore." I suppose I could give actual gift ideas, but it galls me to help my wife's family pretend that everything is fine. Imagine: All this bs to avoid having to say "We were negligent back then and allowed you to be put into a horrible situation. We are so sorry, and we want to be part of your life."

Impostor
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A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Impostor » Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:49 pm

theHusband,
I think that I have trouble with kissing sometimes too. I remember you saying that the cuddling is good but kissing is too much. I think people who abuse still want to kiss on you or put their mouths on you, but they don't cuddle. They don't touch you with expecting it to lead into sex.

So a lot of times when kissing all I can think about is saliva, wet and disgusting. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I hate saliva. I don't have germ issues...I don't even like my own saliva. Mouths are so disgusting.

But then sometimes I really appreciate it. I want to be kissed, everywhere. Its hard to know how I will feel, even for me.

Sometimes I read your writing and think that my husband must say and feel the same things. Sometimes I read your posts and worry that you are him. (I know you aren't, too many differences!)

Families are so difficult. So much could be different if they would just take responsibility for the way they failed us.

Wishing you and your wife strength.

the husband
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Wed Nov 30, 2011 5:47 am

Hi Impostor

My sincere hope is that I am saying the things that anyone's loved one might be saying or thinking. But no, I'm not your husband. I've actually told my wife that I post here. I don't think she would come here to read - and there would be no point to it, and I would just tell her what she wants to know if she asked. I would hope you wouldn't worry anyway - I love my wife.

What you say about kissing makes sense, and I know my wife is quite sensitive about feeling smothered in any way. I've already encountered her not knowing how she'll feel as she tried to talk herself into intimacy before we agreed to stop, and I am quite sure we'll deal with that when we start again. I fear it, but I know we'll work it out.

I've reconsidered my stance on gifts to my kids from my wife's parents. There's no point in my being vindictive, and it would only support the parent's story that my wife and I are mean and that the parents are the victims. The kids will be reminded either way that their grandparents make no effort to contact them. The one nice thing that I can salvage is the fun of opening an appropriate gift, rather than a certificate or cash. The kids are smart and will know how their grandparents knew what to get. I'll come up with some good suggestions if I'm asked.

Impostor
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A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Impostor » Tue Dec 06, 2011 3:22 am

TheHusband,
the things you say, the way you act; makes it obvious that you love your wife! (and that she isn't me).

I imagine a lot of men feel the same as you do.

It sounds like you have the right idea about the kids and grandparents. I'm sorry they have to go through this too. It seems so unfortunate that the kids have to suffer the crap too. It's bad enough that we have to live through it when we are children.

I wish you the best during the holidays.

the husband
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Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Sat Dec 17, 2011 8:41 am

Thanks Impostor

I did get an email from my wife's stepmother. It was very businesslike, though she signed it "Love,". She wanted suggestions, so I gave a list of modest gifts that the kids would like. I was also businesslike, and did not sign "Love".

If anyone's interested, I finally got around to summarizing my stuff from the old website and pasted it into the first two posts of this thread. It needs more editing, but I'm over it for now.

Jonesy
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by Jonesy » Sat Dec 17, 2011 9:04 am

Hi the husband

Thank you - you are very helpful to many people here. It is well written and worth reading.
I hope one day you can share this with your wife.
You are important

Email: jonesy@isurvive.org

the husband
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Posts: 488
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Sun Dec 18, 2011 6:43 am

Hi and thanks Jonesy.

I hope to be helpful. I wish there were more "loved ones" around here - I know there are plenty out in the world. I'm hoping they can come and see themselves in something I wrote, and that they would stay awhile so we can all learn from each other. I truly appreciate the survivors who visit this thread, but it would be useful to have more loved ones to initiate more discussion.

Regarding my step-mother=in-law: She never responded to me. I guess she got the info she wanted, or perhaps she was offended that I didn't sign it with love. Too bad.

lonelylife
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Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by lonelylife » Sun Dec 18, 2011 5:36 pm

Hi the husband,
You mentioned
I've reconsidered my stance on gifts to my kids from my wife's parents. There's no point in my being vindictive, and it would only support the parent's story that my wife and I are mean and that the parents are the victims.
I wanted to briefly comment that their saying these things is a common strongarm tactic used to get people to cave to their will. If they dare portray themselves as that, and use that to try to muscle their will onto you, you might do well to consider continuing your stance. If they were decent people, they wouldn't feel an interest in "badmouthing" you and your wife in this way. It definitely does not hint at any measureable degree of change on their part. In instances such as this, once they get the daylight they're trying for, they then also try to wreak more havoc from there with subtle hints, brainwashing tactics, and creation of as much chaos as they can manage. If they are the abusers (can't recall all of your wife's story), it really doesn't matter how they characterize things anyway and their "opinion" matters little, since their viewpoint would be already horribly skewed in the first place. You don't strike me as the type of person to have made such a decision vindictively, and by the time such a decision has been made to keep them at bay, it's usually done with good reason. The fact that this woman is already waging a battle with you over the word "love" in an email is also very indicative of the fact that abuser/enabler/deniers don't stop.

the husband
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Posts: 488
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:11 am

Re: A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

Post by the husband » Sun Dec 18, 2011 8:01 pm

Thank you lonelylife. I do see your point.

It's a bit of a balance. My wife wants the kids to have the ability to have a relationship with her father and stepmother who, so far as I know, were enablers. I think she still harbors some small doubts, guilt and denial about her father and stepmother's lack of caring in all of this. The fantasy was they they were the "good" parents - but that idea was unsustainable as my wife began to remember more. The point is somewhat moot as they have made no effort to see the kids in about 2 years, despite living about 20 minutes away and working in the city in which we live. I've been having the kids call them to thank them for gits, but I think I'll encourage cards now that both kids can write. My wife has told the kids, in a very simple way, that her parents didn't protect her or care for her properly when she was little. They were taken aback, but had no trouble comparing the lack of interest shown in them now to what their mother reports happened then. There's no opportunity for brainwashing, and both kids are likely to ask the tough questions and check in with us afterward even if there was.

If it were my decision alone, we would have no contact with my wife's father and stepfather. They are simply narcissists who failed to care for their children then or now, and who bring nothing to our lives. I've alienated them quite a bit by being calmly relentless with the truth - that seems to be like holy water to their vampiric selves. I could do without her sister as well, because she tries to silence my wife with guilt and shame - trying to drag her back into old roles.

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