A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")
Posted: Wed Aug 03, 2011 5:32 am
I plan to summarize my story so far, but I'm not in a good space for it at the moment. For now, please see the archive:
http://www.isurvive.org/viewtopic.php?t=15352
**Triggers- Mature Sexual Content, PA, SA**
January 2010
I am the husband of a survivor childhood sexual abuse. I am starting to see how I got here. I don’t think it “just happened”.
My mother is a career alcoholic. My father is extremely controlling of every aspect of our household, and went so far as to banish the kids from the main part of the house in the evening. I used to think he did this because he hated us, but now I’m starting to think he didn’t want us to see what a mess our mother became at night.. He always seemed pissed off at us, shouting, menacing, occasionally slapping with little provocation – always the face. He never raised a hand or his voice to Mom, but she never defended us.
My relationships with women fell into a pattern: I’d choose a smart, shy, kind, natural-looking girl who needed me. I ’ve come to realize that probably ALL of them had been sexually abused. The girls I thought were different back then were exhibiting sexually compulsive behavior. I recently read that it isn’t uncommon for children of alcoholics and other survivors of trauma to partner with sexual abuse victims. Eventually I learned to recognize when I was perpetuating unhealthy relationships, and I initiated the break ups.
I met my wife about 17 years ago. She was different. She seemed strong, capable, determined, competent, so on the ball. An early sign of trouble: one time sex was painful for her (not uncommon with SA, I now know) and she began to cry. I felt so terrible. She told me that she had been raped as a teen and let me know of some triggers to avoid – even long kissing. I learned that she was in therapy for some issues with her crazy mother.
Sex slowed down for us. I made the usual mistakes of suggesting, hinting, cajoling, arguing and pushing for sex. It wasn’t good, but everything else was. We married, and life events kept us so busy that we didn’t really focus on ourselves much. Babies, renovations, schooling, tragedies, vacations and careers all took precedence. Months would go by without sex. I tried to initiate it, but was always rebuffed with every imaginable excuse. I tried to talk to her about it, but she became defensive and angry each time. Part of that was my fault, of course. I felt rejected, resentful, hurt, inadequate, childish.
I tried taking all the pressure off of her – no initiating on my part, no doing anything that might be perceived as pressure, no comments that might be construed as suggestive, no touching that might seem like an invitation. At the same time, I withdrew emotionally to escape the hurt. Sometimes she would see that I was upset and would initiate sex, but it was brief and not fulfilling. I came to realize that she was not enjoying sex anymore. She was enduring, and was checking out. Finally, she told me that she thought she was abused by her stepfather and was remembering little things. She couldn’t tell me much – it was too difficult.
She tried to set up sex on a 2-week schedule. It could only be under certain conditions (nobody else in the house, time-limited by the imminent return of people, dark, everyone totally healthy/rested/stress free, etc.), and if those conditions were not present, there was no sex until the next scheduled date. The sex was short, always the same, and there was no time for cuddling after. I didn’t try to change our repertoire because I wanted her to feel safe and in control. Besides, I was tired of being rejected. Around this time, I noticed that she wasn’t present during sex, which was an awful realization. I tried to talk to her about it, but she became tearful and just couldn’t tolerate it. I should mention that our daughter was getting to be about the age when my wife thinks she was when the abuse began. We went on like this for a while, but we continued to slip apart. With no sex, no kissing, nothing that could potentially lead to sex or kissing, no talking about the elephant in the room, I was feeling frustrated more often than not. I had to mentally prepare myself for work, and then prepare myself to face the kids at home. She suggested therapy...but only for me! I resisted because I figured I knew what my problem was, and would be unable to fix it without her participation. That may not have been the best decision, but at the time I felt that going to therapy about this alone meant that I was being asked to accept the situation as-is.
I wrote a letter to my wife (posted here later). I had read a book that outlined how to have a safe conversation, so I took a few days to draft something that I thought would be clear, concise, and as devoid of shame and blame as possible. Shortly after I had completed it, I read it to her. The timing was good: we were “scheduled” to have sex. We would have had sex, but instead of climbing into bed, I sat down on the edge and asked her if we could talk instead? I think she suspected what was coming, and she said we could talk. She listened calmly and thanked me, but then began to panic because she believed I had said I was going to leave. To her great credit, she got us referrals for a therapist who specializes in couples. We see her weekly, and then each of us sees her weekly on our own.
It was tough to start with. She was reacting to my frustration, how unfair it was that I was mad, etc. Actually, I feel far less angry now that we’re doing something. It is a rough road anyway. She still struggles to talk, still believes I’ll be mad at her for sharing something from her childhood. The abuse began early and went on for years. She may have been traded for gambling debts and drugs. There may have been filming. She gets locked up in therapy and just cries. She doesn’t want me to try to comfort her. I feel rejected repeatedly. Sometimes she lets me in on a whole bunch of memories and I experience the sadness of hearing them, but I welcome the lost intimacy of sharing. On top of this is the specter of my wife’s deceased mother who seems to have had a least a serious personality disorder and may have enabled or somehow participated in the abuse.
I love her more than anything and will do anything for her. I don’t want to give up the intimacy that we once had. I wish I could just give it up, to say it’s okay. I know that sex and intimacy have been all mixed in with badness for her, but it is all mixed in with goodness for me. I want that closeness in my life again, and I can’t have that with anyone but my wife. As long as we’re working on this together, I can hang in there. I know she often wants to quit therapy and go back to where we were. Unfortunately, where we were was a sinking ship. I need us to continue therapy so that I have some hope.
January 2010:
This is the "letter" I mentioned. It's more of an outline, but I delivered it nearly verbatim:
I Don't want: To make you feel defensive or upset.
I Do want:
• To make this safe for you.
• To let you know that, while our relationship is generally sound (and I’m not going anywhere) - we are not meeting my needs for affection and sexual fulfillment.
• To tell you that this is not about “getting off”. I can do that myself. This is about maintaining an emotional connection with you in a way that I committed to have only with you.
We have very limited affection (brief kissing, hugging, and holding hands). Prolonged affection is generally only out in public. I've assumed that this is because it's the least likely to lead to sex. I’ve done my best to curtail anything that would seem to be a sexual advance in hopes that that we could have “safe” affection at home. We’ve made some headway with this recently, and I believe we talk more when we’re snuggled up on the couch as a result.
We have very limited sex in terms of frequency, repertoire, response, duration, and conditions under which it could occur. It seems to me like there are more constraints than there used to be, and that you are less present when we do have sex. I find myself torn between giving up on sex, and knowing that to do so would not be healthy for our marriage.
I struggle to remain connected and emotionally available when these needs are not met. People can and do exist without sex and affection, but generally not married people at our stage of life.
• To have more affection for each other without fear that it will lead to pressure to have sex.
• To have a light-hearted, playful, relaxing sex life that is safe to discuss.
• To learn what my role is in this process.
• To discover if I am not meeting your needs.
It's interesting to look at this again. I've since moved from frustration to sadness. I'm sad for her, for me, for us. I compartmentalize very effectively, but reading all these forums has kept my thoughts on abuse. I believed I had emerged mostly unscathed from my childhood. Now I can see that, while I'm doing very well overall, I've been on the same flight path as many other people who had a similar upbringing.
Currently I'm rethinking my earlier belief that I'm always the little boy who can never get enough affection. Now I'm seeing that this is only partially true - I truly don't get enough because I have been accepting of partners who have been unable to provide the...customary amount. Jan 2010
I'm the fixer, the rock. I think sometimes my wife feels I'm too even-keeled and that she is always the weak one - the "identified patient". I initially accepted individual sessions for support and to be able to express the things that I really shouldn't say in our couple's sessions yet. As we move past the anger, I'm finding I'm using the support for sadness.
Though it appears that the lack of sex drives the search for change, I see it a little differently. I see it like a car that has been losing bolts and small parts for years, but still runs. We get busy and don't really notice the smaller things. One day a door falls off, and then we have to deal with it. Looking back I can see all the small things that were lost, but it wasn't until intimacy overall stopped happening that I knew we had a serious and lasting problem. I look forward to any sort of safe contact.
Thinking about cheating is probably natural, but that's not me and I know it wouldn't result in what I actually want and need.
Jan 2010
We snuggled up on the couch with the TV tonight, which is our only safe contact now. She fell asleep, which is nice as it indicates she's feeling safe. Eventually I gently woke her up because it was late for her. She simply said "Good night." and headed off to get ready for bed. Typically there's a hug and kiss, but not tonight. I'm opting to go with the idea that she's just overtired and forgot... and we do have a lot going on. It's just that we have so little affection right now that a missed opportunity takes on a disproportionate significance.
Addendum: We had a few minutes to talk this morning before we got the kids up. The topic was how tired we are, so I went with something along the lines of "Ya, you were so tired last night you didn't even kiss me good night." She agreed that she was a zombie and just fell into bed. No big deal.
Feb 2010
I'm feeling great tonight after a really great therapy session as a couple. She was present the whole time, able to share so much, so coherently, and was able to accept my comfort. She was amazing, so courageous. I had hoped we would get to this point, but never imagined we'd get here so soon. I know that it won't always be like tonight, but it makes me believe that we WILL get through this and move on to something better.
It is probably important to note that my wife's surge of progress was after a difficult week of feeling bad, feeling a lump in her throat, feeling stuck in therapy, being tired, and feeling moody. She had also felt somewhat exposed at work because her coworkers could see she had been upset. Last week our therapist had actually offered the thought that sometimes pauses herald progress, and she was certainly right this time.
Feb 2010
This morning I could tell she was awake and mulling something over. She was very still, her breathing very shallow and quiet with the occasional larger breath - almost a sigh. I snuggled up to her, but there was little movement to acknowledge me. Then she was eager to hop out of bed and start the day. She's still distant and says she's irritable (in truth, she's managing the irritability rather well).
I get it - she was done with her thoughts and it's best to get up and get moving through a normal routine. It may come to pass that whatever she's mulling over will come out next week and could be quite helpful. It has me down for the moment though. It's hard to feel vulnerable again, but putting my guard up won't help us.
Feb 2010
I was right - a new memory has been unearthed. We have both been out of sorts today and opted to go to a favorite neighborhood restaurant in lieu of making an actual decision for our date night. My wife made it most of the way through dinner, and then it clearly became too much and we left. She told me a bit of the memory, and I can extrapolate from there. We both cried a bit. Crying's new for me. I'm working on capturing what exactly gets me to cry - obviously the situation warrants sadness, but what thought exactly? There's so much welled up it's hard for me to say. She was concerned for me, but I told her that I've dropped my defenses and she may not protect me. "All" I ask is that she allow me to support and comfort her, to stick with me. She said that would mean she needs to stick with herself.
Feb 2010
My wife is remembering and sharing a lot with me right now. I'm both proud of her strength and deeply saddened. I don't know what to do either. I listen, I hold her if she'll let me (more now than before), I cry a bit recently, and I let her know that the news doesn't change how I feel about her. I don't think she believes that last bit, but it's true. Mostly I think "I wish I had known how that makes her feel years ago". Is that the right thing? It seems like it is for now. I've come a long way from the guy who was just trying to get his sex life back. Now I see how many other ways SA has been a barrier to my wife's happiness and well-being. I'd still like to have physical intimacy again, but that's not The Goal anymore.
Feb 2010
I've been unsure about showing emotion. It's safe enough in therapy because the therapist is able to help my wife see what I'm feeling and why. I sense that being sad is appropriate and okay, but I worry.
I've been telling her that the memories don't change how I feel about her.
Feb 2010
The image my wife shared with me the other day is in my head. Resignation. Devalued. Vulnerable. Couple's therapy tonight. I feel that my wife wants to share the image again, but fears it too. I don't think she realizes how much I was able to extrapolate from what she gave me already.
**Triggers - SA, Rape, Mature Sexual Content**
(Later) She actually had me tell it, which is sort of a mixed bag. She trusts me to speak it, but I worry I'll get the wording wrong or color it with something that was unsaid. We do move faster this way - the memory gets spoken with no chance of her getting stuck before it is said. I hate writing this because I know there's so much shame attached for her. The image indicated that she was probably "loaned" to a stranger for sex. This is not a revelation, but the physical position and the fact that the location was possibly not a private residence add an even more demeaning quality. Worse, she is concerned that I might be angry with her because she had sex with strangers but won't have sex with me. She's not yet able to recognize that she was a young child then, that these people committed sexual acts upon her, and that there was a clear difference in power. There probably were times with her stepfather or other abuser when she enjoyed the closeness, was aroused, or had an orgasm - but these things do not bring what happened anywhere near the actions of an adult who consented with full knowledge and equal power. She was a child. I did tell her that sharing her memories with me does not change who she is, and that I love her. I'm angry at all the people who did this, knew, or should have known. I'm clearly depressed. I'll work out in a few minutes because that always helps, then bed. I have an individual session tomorrow.
She was prostituted by her stepfather, who repeatedly raped her and I assume trained her to pleasure others. She was in elementary school. All the while he was her most present and functional parent. What a terrible position to put a child in. This is a time of duality for us. I want to hold her, but don't want to trigger her (and I think she feels unholdable - dirty perhaps), I want her to have privacy and not have me look at her when she's unclothed because I know she feels objectified, but doing so make her think I am repulsed by her body. I want to talk to her and keep clarifying how I feel about her, trying to dispel what she believes I feel - but we need to put it back in the box so we can function.
How can she even look at me and not be repulsed? Can she? I try to find comfort in the idea that there was a time, before the memories returned, when I wasn't repulsive and she wasn't just enduring. My shame at focusing on the loss of sex is compounded by knowing what I know now. But I didn't know then and I'll have to cut myself a break. I'm glad I know. At least I don't feel rejected. Everything I've said previously about wanting sex again someday is still true, but it's sort of the least of my thoughts for now. My wife has given me the gift of trust, of knowledge, of having the opportunity to try to understand. I think that many Loved Ones will never get this far because it's so hard all around - and I'm not done. We're not done. I still have hope...but now it's just for a better life than when we started this.
**End Triggers**
Feb 2010
I think my wife was ready to start healing, but she needed me to show up with my emotions ready so we could work together. ALL of the emotions, not just the "strong" ones.
Regarding touch, I've taken to asking if a particular touch is okay, and making no assumptions that what was okay last month would be okay now. I'm also trying to be aware of what sort of touch might have been involved with the most recent memories. She's been able to tell me a few times when something would not be okay, which I do appreciate. It's better to be told than to feel rejected by a flinch or a "freeze".
It's very easy for me right now to completely vilify her stepfather and to believe that their every contact was a frightening trauma, but I know children can and must adapt to get their basic needs met. There must have been moments of pride, closeness, love (hard to type that here), tenderness... These feelings may have been eclipsed later as she realized how he had betrayed her, but they were probably there. (*new thought: sexual behavior between them may have been "special", and what about when he gave her to others? Another betrayal and another implication for our relationship and the idea that maybe it's not real and will one day fall apart?*) And they were reasonable, given her situation. I really have to sit with this, because I think that both of us acknowledging positive feelings for her abuser will be another important hurdle for us.
Feb 2010
My mind has been blown wide-open with the understanding that her stepdad was not a terrifying monster to her all the time. I'm having to reshuffle lots of assumptions.
Feb 2010
need to realize that my wife very likely had positive feelings for her stepfather, considering the situation she was in. I think it has to be part of the story because I think that the good feelings worsen the feelings of betrayal. In our couple's session I expressed that things had been done to her and she had no say in the matter, but the therapist introduced the idea that even if my wife was sometimes a willing participant, it was still wrong of her stepfather to take advantage. I think she may feel she had more choice than she actually did, and that she was a willing participant in something that she later learned was bad - and is therefore also bad, shameful, and has no reason to complain. At one point when we got near this idea, she said "Everyone has their price" - as if a child could understand the price yet. It's like trying to buy something in a country with different money and being cheated because you didn't know the value of the currency. She could see how any other child would be blameless, but has been unable to forgive herself. Fortunately (for him) we do not have contact with the stepfather. I don't know where he is, and I don't think my wife does either. He may have left the country. He is not on the national registry of sex offenders.
I told her the other night about how sex is no longer my focus. I think it was confusing for her. She said "I'm not even sure why we're doing this now. What are we trying to achieve now?" I don't think she's able to see how SA has hobbled us all along, and her own discomfort is not reason enough to open this can of worms.
Feb 2010
I'm revising my foreign country analogy. I'm a child who has woken up starving in a foreign country. My only possession is a piece of unfamiliar currency. I go to the only store in the area and I ask for a little food because I am starving. I hand over the money. The clerk takes pity on me, gives me the little food I had asked for and then throws in a little extra. I am so grateful and go on my way, happy that I won't be hungry today. Later, I find out that I had given the clerk enough money to have fed me for a week. And everyone in the store knew. They did nothing. I see them looking at me when I walk down the street.
I've been thinking about why I'm not pissed about my sex life right now. Some of it, as I've said, is that some of the emotional intimacy is back. I've realized that another big piece is that I no longer feel rejected. It's very clear to me now exactly why sex has become difficult as these memories are shared. I can't imagine being physically intimate unless these memories lose their potency. I hope they do for all sorts of reasons.
My wife struggled to sleep the past few days and also had to work. The sleep issue is related to something she experienced in EMDR - she was temporarily unable to move. It sounded very similar to sleep paralysis to me, but it really upset her and made it difficult to fall asleep at night. She hadn't shared this with me before, but I think that this is not what I was feeling on the horizon earlier.
We're in a bad spot right now. We can handle anything together, but this thing really works to divide us. She's feeling so bad that really nothing I express to her is responded to on more than a superficial level. It's like dropping a coin into a dark well and never hearing a splash. I'm choosing to keep "dropping coins" anyway, as long as I can manage it. There's so much guilt there, and a sense (this would be my own sense - she hasn't said and I don't know for sure that she feels this) that the nature of her abuse is more shameful than others. It's hard for me to know that my love was mistreated.
I realized that it's probably been about 8 months without physical intimacy. I'm not particularly upset about it right now, given everything that we're faced with right now. Knowing more about the abuse, though it haunts me, goes a long way toward helping me to understand and accept our current state of affairs. Make no mistake: if I didn't know or we weren't doing something about this then I would be frustrated.
It's the emotional intimacy I'm missing at a time like this. I made and wrote in a nice card, I said (and meant) some very positive things about the past year...but my efforts were only minimally returned. It was like she could only go so far and then would stop at some invisible boundary. It makes me feel awkward, like we're unequal and I'm trying too hard.
I asked her if one of the things holding her back is the thought that there might not be a 14th or 15th year, because I have every intention of sticking around and working through this. She said she was working to believe that. I guess that will have to do.
Mar 2010
We left our couple's session early today at my wife's request. There was some talk that sounded like quitting therapy, but she later said she wasn't quitting. Talk of decreasing visits instead of quitting actually seemed to piss her off, like we were giving up on her instead of trying to be supportive. I think we'll be attending as per our schedule, but it was tense.
***Triggers-SA, rape***
One big problem is that she's having trouble getting to sleep - the images of strangers raping her as a 10 year-old child come to her as she's about to fall asleep. She usually goes to bed at a different time than I do, so I suggested that I go to bed at the same time and that she could fall asleep as easily as she does with me on the couch. She has politely declined a few times, but today I got the distinct impression that she actually does not want me to do that. I think there's something about shame, or of protecting me. I asked, but she said she didn't know exactly. We left the session early after that. I hope it will be for the best.
**End Triggers**
Affection is in short supply. I kiss or hug her sometimes and get nothing back. This morning she actually thanked me instead of returning a kiss. It's hard to initiate affection knowing that there's a fair chance that it won't really be received or reciprocated.
My wife and I are hanging on. I think we're on the cusp of another jump forward, but are stuck sitting on a lot of stuff because our insurance company is being difficult. They've stopped authorizing visits and have limited my wife's EMDR sessions to less than an hour (which is not terribly useful given her complex PTSD - it takes longer to wrap up). Apparently the reviewer feels that EMDR could be harmful here. Luckily, the insurance company's website differs from that opinion, as does pretty much all of the literature. We've also engaged the help of a sympathetic psychiatrist who is willing to help us fight this fight. Honestly, we just want to do this thing without having to hold back in fear of losing coverage and being without support. If they could just let us do our thing for 6 months I think we could get the biggest stuff out of the way - we're that motivated. We could pay out of pocket for a little while, but my wife is having none of that so far. We'll see how the next 2 weeks pan out for the case reviews.
April 2010
Our EMDR therapist suggested that she could slow down if she wanted to. I supported that idea. My wife became really pissed at both of us, apparently for "giving up" and said she would not slow down or take a break. Be that as it may, you may be right. One way or another, there will be a break. I've made it clear that I would like her to continue with EMDR on a private-pay basis - that I don't see the value of savings if we're not happy. I'm striving to leave it alone and let the rest of the support system step in. I believe it is very possible to push too hard and make this about me, to our detriment.
I've been worried about this since the beginning, as I've said to many of the Loved Ones around here. The loss of insurance coverage was not her choice, but she is making a choice not to go private-pay. I am trying to be mindful that this is about always having to pay in some way for what she should simply have been given, and about not being believed, and about being in control of her treatment, about concerns over financial responsibility, about her feeling like she's not worth it, and perhaps about needing a break.
This in mind, my wife has agreed to return to EMDR treatment. MY hope is that the insurance company will provide some additional coverage, and that my PTO will protect against any future lapses without any real hardship. What a relief! I was getting pretty worried about our marriage and her safety.
May 2010
Things are grinding to a start for me. My wife is back in EMDR and we've been able to discuss a lot of what went on with her resistance to returning to it when our insurance balked. I believe she will continue on a private pay basis while we do battle with the insurance company, but things may change if/when we lose the appeals.
She has come clean that she was suicidal with plan when EMDR and our therapies were abruptly pulled. This was a bit unsettling because I didn't know she had a plan. I have ample cause for insurance grievance and review, but it won't be helpful if my wife is dead.
I'm still seeing the same therapist on a private pay basis while I appeal the decision that I must seek a separate therapist. The insurance case manager had suggested the current arrangement, and I'm not going to be uprooted if I can help it. Ultimately it will cost the insurance company less if they'd leave it alone. I could trial a bunch of therapists before I found a fit, and then I'd waste time tying to get her/him up to speed. I also found a workshop for loved one in my area - I hope I'll gain something from it.
I may have gotten close to this thought before: I used to think that sex was the only thing that kept me close to my wife, but now I realize that she was really only physically affectionate once she had decided we were to have sex. Any other time she feared that affection would lead to sex. It was the daily lack of affection that was really weighing on me. Now that we have a moratorium on sex, the affection is greater than it has been for a few years. I like it. I do miss the sex, but now is not the time.
On the positive side, my efforts to get us back on the therapeutic track have been successful. Also positive is that my wife was able to be present throughout the session.
On the negative side, my efforts to get us back on the therapeutic track have been successful. Tonight we dealt with physical boundaries. One was that my wife stated that I grabbed her hand and told her I just wanted to be hugged. Perhaps she didn't say "grabbed", but that is my recollection. The thing is, I don't recall that at all, and I certainly don't approve of that behavior. I didn't bother to argue or clarify - I will simply avoid doing anything like that in the future. There's no need to make her wrong when the message is clear enough. Don't do it. Okay. The other thing is the boundary of nudity when changing clothes. On one hand, she has noticed in the past that I have been leaving the room or have been otherwise avoidant when she is changing. She's told me that I don't have to leave or hide, so I've been staying. But what to do with my eyes? I think my wife is beautiful, so I certainly don't mind seeing her, but I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Tonight I asked if she does feel uncomfortable with me there after all, and eventually she stated that she does. I do appreciate that she told me, but both issues shake my confidence in my understanding of the boundaries.
I'm annoyed, too, because (I think - I'm still working on this) she really didn't/couldn't give me anything to work with. I wanted to know what I can do, or what I should avoid, to make her more comfortable. She said "Nothing - it's just me." Unfortunately that leaves me rather ignorant and prone to cause her discomfort again. I hate that. It's a real answer, but I could do with some instructions here. And really, it's got to be more than just her to make this work. My solution, for now, is to find something to do elsewhere well before and after there is any disrobing.
May 2010
My wife doesn't really know what she wants or needs from one day to the next. Part is the sa, part is the EMDR moving her through the cycle of dealing with one set of memories and dealing with the next batch. I know there will be cycles, but they are tough to face - particularly when we move from a peak to a valley. It was interesting that you mentioned the writhing snakes - we have the very same ones here.
I don't actually recall the grabbing/hugging incident at all. I started down the road of trying to pinpoint the what/when/where of it, but I realized that it might seem defensive. Anyway it was belaboring a point that was pretty clear: don't do anything like that until further notice. If she perceives something like that again, perhaps she'll be willing to point it out in the moment. I agree, there was something there that was intimidating. I placed a moratorium on sex a little over a year ago and have stuck to it, so intellectually she would know that I wouldn't mean more, but perhaps there was a trigger or distortion in play. I don't know if her abuse started out with hugging - the specifics are a little too much for her to tell me for now.
I adore my wife, and she's worth everything I can do to help us through this.
A few things have happened for me since around that time.
One is that I have become far less anxious. My wife was not completely aware how anxious I was, assuming I was angry at her or resistant when I was actually covering my anxiety. I was sometimes paralyzed by indecision, and I was overwhelmed about going on vacation - let alone planning one. I was also worried about disapproval from my wife, who I viewed as somewhat rigid about the way things should be done.
Another thing that happened is that things became too much for my wife. I've described earlier in this thread how our relationship quietly unraveled, but she was also having trouble with day-to-day things. Her pain was slowly taking over, and neither of us could ignore it anymore. I was moved to action first.
The last important step is that I finally agreed to individual therapy as an adjunct to our couples therapy. She had suggested I go to therapy before, but I felt like I was being off to accept the status quo and I wasn't having it. Once we got down to business in couples therapy I knew I needed support. I began to explore my own feelings (still working on this - I was suddenly sad in therapy this week, but unsure why.) and I began to see my role. I don't think it's just by chance that I ended up with a survivor - there was an affinity or perhaps a need in play (don't get me wrong: my wife is an incredible person and totally worth every bit of effort I can muster). Would a woman who is emotionally available want a man like me, a man who actually has to learn and concentrate on social norms that most people are born with? How long can anyone tolerate living with an anxious spouse? Hasn't she (unknowingly) supported me through my rough times? One thing that I have found is that anger from either partner, while reasonable, is not helpful.
It's is absolutely OUR problem. We have children and we agreed that we would give them the parenting that we should have had. It's also my problem because she's the love of my life and I plan to spend the next 50+ years with her in relative comfort.
The "price" is a recurring theme in my wife's sa recovery. My wife was just saying in therapy that she'll know she's doing better when we have sex, which puzzled me. I said I'd know she was doing better when she felt better, and then we could talk about sex. She definitely feels that she is obligated, and I suspect I have subtly supported that thinking, though far less than a year ago. I could probably do better. Yes, I would love to have that part of our life back - but I would love even more to help my wife feel better. I'll be thinking about this...
In other news, we appear to have been successful in our appeal to reinstate EMDR. I say "appear" because the insurance company has been quite slippery and has not been following their own published regulations. They appear to have overturned their denial, but I sense that our victory will be short-lived. I'm pretty sure I had them on the ropes this time and they had to give in, but next time they'll probably be more careful.
I DID tell her the truth as I now understand it: that I will not leave her over the lack of sex. We've made huge strides in communication and affection, so things don't feel as dire as they once did. As long as we're still communicating and working on us together, I'm in. I still want a sex life together, and I was pleased when she told me that she wants that too.
Jul 2010
The insurance thing has been worked out and it looks like they'll let us do what we're doing for 6 months. I have to admit that that is more than reasonable.
Something new: I earned this week that my wife feels that, once she is feeling better, that she owes me a huge debt for my support - and that debt will be repaid in sex. All I can think of is how horrible that must feel right now - the dread. It's hardly worth getting better if all that were true. It all goes back to the distortion of having a price, having to pay to get one's needs met. I told her there's no debt. I'm already paid in personal growth, a closer relationship with my wife, and in seeing her begin to feel better about herself. She still can't cut the little girl that was her a break. She's still stuck on the idea that she had a choice back then - when the truth was she was too young to know what was going on, and her abusers kept her disoriented in so many ways.
I also learned from her that she harbors some doubts about my statements that I will not leave her. She recalls some statements I made early on in this process. I did say that, sort of, but my perspective has changed radically since then. I'm in for the long term. To be fair, she has talked about leaving me, and about suicide. I guess the nuance is that my statement was about her, while her statements were..about her also.
Aug 2010
I recently admitted to her that I have felt that perhaps she finds my body repugnant, and I've been sort of hiding out. She told me that she does not find me repugnant, but that she finds anyone in the house in any state of undress to be anxiety-provoking. It makes sense. Without discussing it further, I've noticed that we are both trying to normalize being undressed near each other when changing or around bathing. It's a bit awkward because she's so beautiful that I want to look at her, but I'm also acutely aware that it would make her uncomfortable...as would avoiding looking at her. We'll work it out.
I've mentioned that our couple's therapist also does my wife's EMDR and has an individual session with me. You all can make what you like of that, but it works well for now. This week I asked the therapist where she thought my wife (and I) are along the continuum of recovery - at least the more acute phase. I was not pleased to hear 1/3 to maybe 1/2 way along. We've been at this mostly full-throttle for about 14 months. Still, I sense that it is true. I know we aren't halfway there...whatever "there" will look like. I guess "nearly half" will do, and who's to say that the other half will take as long or be as difficult all the time? We've made it this far, and we're the better for it.
We've embarked on a plan to sell our house and move to a neighboring city. It's a quality of life move ultimately, but for now it's insanely stressful to prepare a house for market. Crazy, right? But then again, it provides a distraction, gives us something to look forward too, and allows us to function as the unstoppable partners that we have always been. Our current home is not yet sold, so we're not halfway done with that either. She can't do as much to help as she used to, so I'm shouldering quite a burden. I'm not resentful though - she's doing some big work that I can't do for her. I know she feels guilty that she isn't helping more. I appreciate the thought, but it really is okay. I really want to look forward to a new house though - the strain is wearing me down and I could really use a short-term goal to focus on.
Aug 2010
I have a great deal of shame about this, but I'll go ahead and get it down in the hopes that it will help somebody:
***triggers-mature sexual content***
My wife was looking for something in our computer's recycling bin last week. She found some pornographic images that I had deleted several months ago, but had failed to fully delete. She was quite upset, but sat on it a few days. It continued to bother her until she couldn't stand it anymore, so she told me. In a restaurant. We were there celebrating my birthday - hadn't even finished our meal. Luckily, we were alone. She's had difficulty in telling me exactly why it upset her so much. There's the obvious reasons that any woman might cite, some idea that she may have been connected to porn in the past, and some thought that this would not have happened if she were a "good wife". And something triggering that led her to panic then, and again in our couple's therapy. It's something too big for her to handle all at once.
I feel horrible that my actions led to triggering her. Also sad, ashamed, exposed, embarrassed, resentful... I could go on. So yes, I do look at images. I don't think an explanation is in order (to you, gentle reader), nor an excuse. My own sexuality is so cumbersome now. Most images are upsetting to me in terms of how women are portrayed or treated. Sometimes things that were okay before are truly repugnant now...some of you know all to well how that is. The ones my wife saw seemed fairly "safe" to me. I don't think she actually saw more than a thumbnail size - but that was more than enough. I understand that people with "normal" sex lives look at porn, so I'm not convinced that our sex life has led to this. Now I'm all conflicted over it. I can't really fantasize about her right now - the reality of our work in therapy is just too close. Fantasizing about somebody I know feels tantamount to cheating. I was trying to deal with my own needs without involving her...or anyone else. That's where the resentment comes in, like I've been painted into a corner, and now they want to paint the corner.
We're working on it. My shame will eventually fade as we work on whatever the memories associated with the trigger are. One day we'll be able to enjoy birthdays and houses selling. These should have been a great last few days, but there's such a pall over everything right now.
Aug 2010
Things are still tough. I'm feeling less ashamed as I recognize that I really didn't do anything wrong. I still hate that I had a hand in a triggering event, but I'll have to get over that at some point. There will be triggers, I will avoid them as best I can, but I can't get all freaked out when something inevitably crops up. With that though I am moving through some resentment.
I realized that I'm feeling now the way I did back when I wrote the letter to my wife. After more than a year with sex out of the picture, it's much clearer: I feel alone, uncared for, adrift. We are existing in tandem. I know that this is normal for the healing process, but I wasn't expecting such a low. It may be artificially low, given the sheer magnitude of external stressors we've had recently. I guess the difference is that I have hope this time, and we have more safety than we did before.
Sept 2010
This thing we've uncovered is big. Too big to understand, or speak of yet. It is smothering us like a thick blanket of despair. I continue to feel guilty, but I also see that the situation is way out of proportion with what I did. I've inadvertently awakened a giant. We would have encountered it anyway, but I wish we could have chosen the time.
She's angry - at everything. She's also passively suicidal - at least I think it's passive at this point. She feels so bad that she is unable to recognize the progress that we have been making. She said "It's like being on a path that turns black behind me, and disappears. I can't remember where I've just been. And the path is on fire. I can either disappear into the darkness, or walk through the fire." She said she wishes she could make it end, but she stupidly made too many important commitments. I can't really do more than I'm already doing for her. I would do anything, mind you, but there's nothing more to do. Our EMDR/couples therapist is going to be on vacation soon, so I think that the work will be to find safety for now.
**End Triggers**
This should be a happy time - we've sold our house and our offer on the next house was accepted. I've come so close to saying "If you're going to leave me, this would be the time." but that would be a horrible thing to say - especially now. I suspect she might say the same to me, and I have no intention of leaving. This is hard, but I believe life is better with her than without. I know she would disagree, but that's what this is all about...right?
I'm just going to put this out there: since I mentioned the pornography thing, none of the usual sas folks have commented at all. Perhaps this is a coincidence, but perhaps not. I wonder if you are disappointed or angry with me. I certainly feel like I deserve it. I hope that you will post if so - I think I could understand better if you would. Don't worry, I'm strong and I can take it.
http://www.isurvive.org/viewtopic.php?t=15352
**Triggers- Mature Sexual Content, PA, SA**
January 2010
I am the husband of a survivor childhood sexual abuse. I am starting to see how I got here. I don’t think it “just happened”.
My mother is a career alcoholic. My father is extremely controlling of every aspect of our household, and went so far as to banish the kids from the main part of the house in the evening. I used to think he did this because he hated us, but now I’m starting to think he didn’t want us to see what a mess our mother became at night.. He always seemed pissed off at us, shouting, menacing, occasionally slapping with little provocation – always the face. He never raised a hand or his voice to Mom, but she never defended us.
My relationships with women fell into a pattern: I’d choose a smart, shy, kind, natural-looking girl who needed me. I ’ve come to realize that probably ALL of them had been sexually abused. The girls I thought were different back then were exhibiting sexually compulsive behavior. I recently read that it isn’t uncommon for children of alcoholics and other survivors of trauma to partner with sexual abuse victims. Eventually I learned to recognize when I was perpetuating unhealthy relationships, and I initiated the break ups.
I met my wife about 17 years ago. She was different. She seemed strong, capable, determined, competent, so on the ball. An early sign of trouble: one time sex was painful for her (not uncommon with SA, I now know) and she began to cry. I felt so terrible. She told me that she had been raped as a teen and let me know of some triggers to avoid – even long kissing. I learned that she was in therapy for some issues with her crazy mother.
Sex slowed down for us. I made the usual mistakes of suggesting, hinting, cajoling, arguing and pushing for sex. It wasn’t good, but everything else was. We married, and life events kept us so busy that we didn’t really focus on ourselves much. Babies, renovations, schooling, tragedies, vacations and careers all took precedence. Months would go by without sex. I tried to initiate it, but was always rebuffed with every imaginable excuse. I tried to talk to her about it, but she became defensive and angry each time. Part of that was my fault, of course. I felt rejected, resentful, hurt, inadequate, childish.
I tried taking all the pressure off of her – no initiating on my part, no doing anything that might be perceived as pressure, no comments that might be construed as suggestive, no touching that might seem like an invitation. At the same time, I withdrew emotionally to escape the hurt. Sometimes she would see that I was upset and would initiate sex, but it was brief and not fulfilling. I came to realize that she was not enjoying sex anymore. She was enduring, and was checking out. Finally, she told me that she thought she was abused by her stepfather and was remembering little things. She couldn’t tell me much – it was too difficult.
She tried to set up sex on a 2-week schedule. It could only be under certain conditions (nobody else in the house, time-limited by the imminent return of people, dark, everyone totally healthy/rested/stress free, etc.), and if those conditions were not present, there was no sex until the next scheduled date. The sex was short, always the same, and there was no time for cuddling after. I didn’t try to change our repertoire because I wanted her to feel safe and in control. Besides, I was tired of being rejected. Around this time, I noticed that she wasn’t present during sex, which was an awful realization. I tried to talk to her about it, but she became tearful and just couldn’t tolerate it. I should mention that our daughter was getting to be about the age when my wife thinks she was when the abuse began. We went on like this for a while, but we continued to slip apart. With no sex, no kissing, nothing that could potentially lead to sex or kissing, no talking about the elephant in the room, I was feeling frustrated more often than not. I had to mentally prepare myself for work, and then prepare myself to face the kids at home. She suggested therapy...but only for me! I resisted because I figured I knew what my problem was, and would be unable to fix it without her participation. That may not have been the best decision, but at the time I felt that going to therapy about this alone meant that I was being asked to accept the situation as-is.
I wrote a letter to my wife (posted here later). I had read a book that outlined how to have a safe conversation, so I took a few days to draft something that I thought would be clear, concise, and as devoid of shame and blame as possible. Shortly after I had completed it, I read it to her. The timing was good: we were “scheduled” to have sex. We would have had sex, but instead of climbing into bed, I sat down on the edge and asked her if we could talk instead? I think she suspected what was coming, and she said we could talk. She listened calmly and thanked me, but then began to panic because she believed I had said I was going to leave. To her great credit, she got us referrals for a therapist who specializes in couples. We see her weekly, and then each of us sees her weekly on our own.
It was tough to start with. She was reacting to my frustration, how unfair it was that I was mad, etc. Actually, I feel far less angry now that we’re doing something. It is a rough road anyway. She still struggles to talk, still believes I’ll be mad at her for sharing something from her childhood. The abuse began early and went on for years. She may have been traded for gambling debts and drugs. There may have been filming. She gets locked up in therapy and just cries. She doesn’t want me to try to comfort her. I feel rejected repeatedly. Sometimes she lets me in on a whole bunch of memories and I experience the sadness of hearing them, but I welcome the lost intimacy of sharing. On top of this is the specter of my wife’s deceased mother who seems to have had a least a serious personality disorder and may have enabled or somehow participated in the abuse.
I love her more than anything and will do anything for her. I don’t want to give up the intimacy that we once had. I wish I could just give it up, to say it’s okay. I know that sex and intimacy have been all mixed in with badness for her, but it is all mixed in with goodness for me. I want that closeness in my life again, and I can’t have that with anyone but my wife. As long as we’re working on this together, I can hang in there. I know she often wants to quit therapy and go back to where we were. Unfortunately, where we were was a sinking ship. I need us to continue therapy so that I have some hope.
January 2010:
This is the "letter" I mentioned. It's more of an outline, but I delivered it nearly verbatim:
I Don't want: To make you feel defensive or upset.
I Do want:
• To make this safe for you.
• To let you know that, while our relationship is generally sound (and I’m not going anywhere) - we are not meeting my needs for affection and sexual fulfillment.
• To tell you that this is not about “getting off”. I can do that myself. This is about maintaining an emotional connection with you in a way that I committed to have only with you.
We have very limited affection (brief kissing, hugging, and holding hands). Prolonged affection is generally only out in public. I've assumed that this is because it's the least likely to lead to sex. I’ve done my best to curtail anything that would seem to be a sexual advance in hopes that that we could have “safe” affection at home. We’ve made some headway with this recently, and I believe we talk more when we’re snuggled up on the couch as a result.
We have very limited sex in terms of frequency, repertoire, response, duration, and conditions under which it could occur. It seems to me like there are more constraints than there used to be, and that you are less present when we do have sex. I find myself torn between giving up on sex, and knowing that to do so would not be healthy for our marriage.
I struggle to remain connected and emotionally available when these needs are not met. People can and do exist without sex and affection, but generally not married people at our stage of life.
• To have more affection for each other without fear that it will lead to pressure to have sex.
• To have a light-hearted, playful, relaxing sex life that is safe to discuss.
• To learn what my role is in this process.
• To discover if I am not meeting your needs.
It's interesting to look at this again. I've since moved from frustration to sadness. I'm sad for her, for me, for us. I compartmentalize very effectively, but reading all these forums has kept my thoughts on abuse. I believed I had emerged mostly unscathed from my childhood. Now I can see that, while I'm doing very well overall, I've been on the same flight path as many other people who had a similar upbringing.
Currently I'm rethinking my earlier belief that I'm always the little boy who can never get enough affection. Now I'm seeing that this is only partially true - I truly don't get enough because I have been accepting of partners who have been unable to provide the...customary amount. Jan 2010
I'm the fixer, the rock. I think sometimes my wife feels I'm too even-keeled and that she is always the weak one - the "identified patient". I initially accepted individual sessions for support and to be able to express the things that I really shouldn't say in our couple's sessions yet. As we move past the anger, I'm finding I'm using the support for sadness.
Though it appears that the lack of sex drives the search for change, I see it a little differently. I see it like a car that has been losing bolts and small parts for years, but still runs. We get busy and don't really notice the smaller things. One day a door falls off, and then we have to deal with it. Looking back I can see all the small things that were lost, but it wasn't until intimacy overall stopped happening that I knew we had a serious and lasting problem. I look forward to any sort of safe contact.
Thinking about cheating is probably natural, but that's not me and I know it wouldn't result in what I actually want and need.
Jan 2010
We snuggled up on the couch with the TV tonight, which is our only safe contact now. She fell asleep, which is nice as it indicates she's feeling safe. Eventually I gently woke her up because it was late for her. She simply said "Good night." and headed off to get ready for bed. Typically there's a hug and kiss, but not tonight. I'm opting to go with the idea that she's just overtired and forgot... and we do have a lot going on. It's just that we have so little affection right now that a missed opportunity takes on a disproportionate significance.
Addendum: We had a few minutes to talk this morning before we got the kids up. The topic was how tired we are, so I went with something along the lines of "Ya, you were so tired last night you didn't even kiss me good night." She agreed that she was a zombie and just fell into bed. No big deal.
Feb 2010
I'm feeling great tonight after a really great therapy session as a couple. She was present the whole time, able to share so much, so coherently, and was able to accept my comfort. She was amazing, so courageous. I had hoped we would get to this point, but never imagined we'd get here so soon. I know that it won't always be like tonight, but it makes me believe that we WILL get through this and move on to something better.
It is probably important to note that my wife's surge of progress was after a difficult week of feeling bad, feeling a lump in her throat, feeling stuck in therapy, being tired, and feeling moody. She had also felt somewhat exposed at work because her coworkers could see she had been upset. Last week our therapist had actually offered the thought that sometimes pauses herald progress, and she was certainly right this time.
Feb 2010
This morning I could tell she was awake and mulling something over. She was very still, her breathing very shallow and quiet with the occasional larger breath - almost a sigh. I snuggled up to her, but there was little movement to acknowledge me. Then she was eager to hop out of bed and start the day. She's still distant and says she's irritable (in truth, she's managing the irritability rather well).
I get it - she was done with her thoughts and it's best to get up and get moving through a normal routine. It may come to pass that whatever she's mulling over will come out next week and could be quite helpful. It has me down for the moment though. It's hard to feel vulnerable again, but putting my guard up won't help us.
Feb 2010
I was right - a new memory has been unearthed. We have both been out of sorts today and opted to go to a favorite neighborhood restaurant in lieu of making an actual decision for our date night. My wife made it most of the way through dinner, and then it clearly became too much and we left. She told me a bit of the memory, and I can extrapolate from there. We both cried a bit. Crying's new for me. I'm working on capturing what exactly gets me to cry - obviously the situation warrants sadness, but what thought exactly? There's so much welled up it's hard for me to say. She was concerned for me, but I told her that I've dropped my defenses and she may not protect me. "All" I ask is that she allow me to support and comfort her, to stick with me. She said that would mean she needs to stick with herself.
Feb 2010
My wife is remembering and sharing a lot with me right now. I'm both proud of her strength and deeply saddened. I don't know what to do either. I listen, I hold her if she'll let me (more now than before), I cry a bit recently, and I let her know that the news doesn't change how I feel about her. I don't think she believes that last bit, but it's true. Mostly I think "I wish I had known how that makes her feel years ago". Is that the right thing? It seems like it is for now. I've come a long way from the guy who was just trying to get his sex life back. Now I see how many other ways SA has been a barrier to my wife's happiness and well-being. I'd still like to have physical intimacy again, but that's not The Goal anymore.
Feb 2010
I've been unsure about showing emotion. It's safe enough in therapy because the therapist is able to help my wife see what I'm feeling and why. I sense that being sad is appropriate and okay, but I worry.
I've been telling her that the memories don't change how I feel about her.
Feb 2010
The image my wife shared with me the other day is in my head. Resignation. Devalued. Vulnerable. Couple's therapy tonight. I feel that my wife wants to share the image again, but fears it too. I don't think she realizes how much I was able to extrapolate from what she gave me already.
**Triggers - SA, Rape, Mature Sexual Content**
(Later) She actually had me tell it, which is sort of a mixed bag. She trusts me to speak it, but I worry I'll get the wording wrong or color it with something that was unsaid. We do move faster this way - the memory gets spoken with no chance of her getting stuck before it is said. I hate writing this because I know there's so much shame attached for her. The image indicated that she was probably "loaned" to a stranger for sex. This is not a revelation, but the physical position and the fact that the location was possibly not a private residence add an even more demeaning quality. Worse, she is concerned that I might be angry with her because she had sex with strangers but won't have sex with me. She's not yet able to recognize that she was a young child then, that these people committed sexual acts upon her, and that there was a clear difference in power. There probably were times with her stepfather or other abuser when she enjoyed the closeness, was aroused, or had an orgasm - but these things do not bring what happened anywhere near the actions of an adult who consented with full knowledge and equal power. She was a child. I did tell her that sharing her memories with me does not change who she is, and that I love her. I'm angry at all the people who did this, knew, or should have known. I'm clearly depressed. I'll work out in a few minutes because that always helps, then bed. I have an individual session tomorrow.
She was prostituted by her stepfather, who repeatedly raped her and I assume trained her to pleasure others. She was in elementary school. All the while he was her most present and functional parent. What a terrible position to put a child in. This is a time of duality for us. I want to hold her, but don't want to trigger her (and I think she feels unholdable - dirty perhaps), I want her to have privacy and not have me look at her when she's unclothed because I know she feels objectified, but doing so make her think I am repulsed by her body. I want to talk to her and keep clarifying how I feel about her, trying to dispel what she believes I feel - but we need to put it back in the box so we can function.
How can she even look at me and not be repulsed? Can she? I try to find comfort in the idea that there was a time, before the memories returned, when I wasn't repulsive and she wasn't just enduring. My shame at focusing on the loss of sex is compounded by knowing what I know now. But I didn't know then and I'll have to cut myself a break. I'm glad I know. At least I don't feel rejected. Everything I've said previously about wanting sex again someday is still true, but it's sort of the least of my thoughts for now. My wife has given me the gift of trust, of knowledge, of having the opportunity to try to understand. I think that many Loved Ones will never get this far because it's so hard all around - and I'm not done. We're not done. I still have hope...but now it's just for a better life than when we started this.
**End Triggers**
Feb 2010
I think my wife was ready to start healing, but she needed me to show up with my emotions ready so we could work together. ALL of the emotions, not just the "strong" ones.
Regarding touch, I've taken to asking if a particular touch is okay, and making no assumptions that what was okay last month would be okay now. I'm also trying to be aware of what sort of touch might have been involved with the most recent memories. She's been able to tell me a few times when something would not be okay, which I do appreciate. It's better to be told than to feel rejected by a flinch or a "freeze".
It's very easy for me right now to completely vilify her stepfather and to believe that their every contact was a frightening trauma, but I know children can and must adapt to get their basic needs met. There must have been moments of pride, closeness, love (hard to type that here), tenderness... These feelings may have been eclipsed later as she realized how he had betrayed her, but they were probably there. (*new thought: sexual behavior between them may have been "special", and what about when he gave her to others? Another betrayal and another implication for our relationship and the idea that maybe it's not real and will one day fall apart?*) And they were reasonable, given her situation. I really have to sit with this, because I think that both of us acknowledging positive feelings for her abuser will be another important hurdle for us.
Feb 2010
My mind has been blown wide-open with the understanding that her stepdad was not a terrifying monster to her all the time. I'm having to reshuffle lots of assumptions.
Feb 2010
need to realize that my wife very likely had positive feelings for her stepfather, considering the situation she was in. I think it has to be part of the story because I think that the good feelings worsen the feelings of betrayal. In our couple's session I expressed that things had been done to her and she had no say in the matter, but the therapist introduced the idea that even if my wife was sometimes a willing participant, it was still wrong of her stepfather to take advantage. I think she may feel she had more choice than she actually did, and that she was a willing participant in something that she later learned was bad - and is therefore also bad, shameful, and has no reason to complain. At one point when we got near this idea, she said "Everyone has their price" - as if a child could understand the price yet. It's like trying to buy something in a country with different money and being cheated because you didn't know the value of the currency. She could see how any other child would be blameless, but has been unable to forgive herself. Fortunately (for him) we do not have contact with the stepfather. I don't know where he is, and I don't think my wife does either. He may have left the country. He is not on the national registry of sex offenders.
I told her the other night about how sex is no longer my focus. I think it was confusing for her. She said "I'm not even sure why we're doing this now. What are we trying to achieve now?" I don't think she's able to see how SA has hobbled us all along, and her own discomfort is not reason enough to open this can of worms.
Feb 2010
I'm revising my foreign country analogy. I'm a child who has woken up starving in a foreign country. My only possession is a piece of unfamiliar currency. I go to the only store in the area and I ask for a little food because I am starving. I hand over the money. The clerk takes pity on me, gives me the little food I had asked for and then throws in a little extra. I am so grateful and go on my way, happy that I won't be hungry today. Later, I find out that I had given the clerk enough money to have fed me for a week. And everyone in the store knew. They did nothing. I see them looking at me when I walk down the street.
I've been thinking about why I'm not pissed about my sex life right now. Some of it, as I've said, is that some of the emotional intimacy is back. I've realized that another big piece is that I no longer feel rejected. It's very clear to me now exactly why sex has become difficult as these memories are shared. I can't imagine being physically intimate unless these memories lose their potency. I hope they do for all sorts of reasons.
My wife struggled to sleep the past few days and also had to work. The sleep issue is related to something she experienced in EMDR - she was temporarily unable to move. It sounded very similar to sleep paralysis to me, but it really upset her and made it difficult to fall asleep at night. She hadn't shared this with me before, but I think that this is not what I was feeling on the horizon earlier.
We're in a bad spot right now. We can handle anything together, but this thing really works to divide us. She's feeling so bad that really nothing I express to her is responded to on more than a superficial level. It's like dropping a coin into a dark well and never hearing a splash. I'm choosing to keep "dropping coins" anyway, as long as I can manage it. There's so much guilt there, and a sense (this would be my own sense - she hasn't said and I don't know for sure that she feels this) that the nature of her abuse is more shameful than others. It's hard for me to know that my love was mistreated.
I realized that it's probably been about 8 months without physical intimacy. I'm not particularly upset about it right now, given everything that we're faced with right now. Knowing more about the abuse, though it haunts me, goes a long way toward helping me to understand and accept our current state of affairs. Make no mistake: if I didn't know or we weren't doing something about this then I would be frustrated.
It's the emotional intimacy I'm missing at a time like this. I made and wrote in a nice card, I said (and meant) some very positive things about the past year...but my efforts were only minimally returned. It was like she could only go so far and then would stop at some invisible boundary. It makes me feel awkward, like we're unequal and I'm trying too hard.
I asked her if one of the things holding her back is the thought that there might not be a 14th or 15th year, because I have every intention of sticking around and working through this. She said she was working to believe that. I guess that will have to do.
Mar 2010
We left our couple's session early today at my wife's request. There was some talk that sounded like quitting therapy, but she later said she wasn't quitting. Talk of decreasing visits instead of quitting actually seemed to piss her off, like we were giving up on her instead of trying to be supportive. I think we'll be attending as per our schedule, but it was tense.
***Triggers-SA, rape***
One big problem is that she's having trouble getting to sleep - the images of strangers raping her as a 10 year-old child come to her as she's about to fall asleep. She usually goes to bed at a different time than I do, so I suggested that I go to bed at the same time and that she could fall asleep as easily as she does with me on the couch. She has politely declined a few times, but today I got the distinct impression that she actually does not want me to do that. I think there's something about shame, or of protecting me. I asked, but she said she didn't know exactly. We left the session early after that. I hope it will be for the best.
**End Triggers**
Affection is in short supply. I kiss or hug her sometimes and get nothing back. This morning she actually thanked me instead of returning a kiss. It's hard to initiate affection knowing that there's a fair chance that it won't really be received or reciprocated.
My wife and I are hanging on. I think we're on the cusp of another jump forward, but are stuck sitting on a lot of stuff because our insurance company is being difficult. They've stopped authorizing visits and have limited my wife's EMDR sessions to less than an hour (which is not terribly useful given her complex PTSD - it takes longer to wrap up). Apparently the reviewer feels that EMDR could be harmful here. Luckily, the insurance company's website differs from that opinion, as does pretty much all of the literature. We've also engaged the help of a sympathetic psychiatrist who is willing to help us fight this fight. Honestly, we just want to do this thing without having to hold back in fear of losing coverage and being without support. If they could just let us do our thing for 6 months I think we could get the biggest stuff out of the way - we're that motivated. We could pay out of pocket for a little while, but my wife is having none of that so far. We'll see how the next 2 weeks pan out for the case reviews.
April 2010
Our EMDR therapist suggested that she could slow down if she wanted to. I supported that idea. My wife became really pissed at both of us, apparently for "giving up" and said she would not slow down or take a break. Be that as it may, you may be right. One way or another, there will be a break. I've made it clear that I would like her to continue with EMDR on a private-pay basis - that I don't see the value of savings if we're not happy. I'm striving to leave it alone and let the rest of the support system step in. I believe it is very possible to push too hard and make this about me, to our detriment.
I've been worried about this since the beginning, as I've said to many of the Loved Ones around here. The loss of insurance coverage was not her choice, but she is making a choice not to go private-pay. I am trying to be mindful that this is about always having to pay in some way for what she should simply have been given, and about not being believed, and about being in control of her treatment, about concerns over financial responsibility, about her feeling like she's not worth it, and perhaps about needing a break.
This in mind, my wife has agreed to return to EMDR treatment. MY hope is that the insurance company will provide some additional coverage, and that my PTO will protect against any future lapses without any real hardship. What a relief! I was getting pretty worried about our marriage and her safety.
May 2010
Things are grinding to a start for me. My wife is back in EMDR and we've been able to discuss a lot of what went on with her resistance to returning to it when our insurance balked. I believe she will continue on a private pay basis while we do battle with the insurance company, but things may change if/when we lose the appeals.
She has come clean that she was suicidal with plan when EMDR and our therapies were abruptly pulled. This was a bit unsettling because I didn't know she had a plan. I have ample cause for insurance grievance and review, but it won't be helpful if my wife is dead.
I'm still seeing the same therapist on a private pay basis while I appeal the decision that I must seek a separate therapist. The insurance case manager had suggested the current arrangement, and I'm not going to be uprooted if I can help it. Ultimately it will cost the insurance company less if they'd leave it alone. I could trial a bunch of therapists before I found a fit, and then I'd waste time tying to get her/him up to speed. I also found a workshop for loved one in my area - I hope I'll gain something from it.
I may have gotten close to this thought before: I used to think that sex was the only thing that kept me close to my wife, but now I realize that she was really only physically affectionate once she had decided we were to have sex. Any other time she feared that affection would lead to sex. It was the daily lack of affection that was really weighing on me. Now that we have a moratorium on sex, the affection is greater than it has been for a few years. I like it. I do miss the sex, but now is not the time.
On the positive side, my efforts to get us back on the therapeutic track have been successful. Also positive is that my wife was able to be present throughout the session.
On the negative side, my efforts to get us back on the therapeutic track have been successful. Tonight we dealt with physical boundaries. One was that my wife stated that I grabbed her hand and told her I just wanted to be hugged. Perhaps she didn't say "grabbed", but that is my recollection. The thing is, I don't recall that at all, and I certainly don't approve of that behavior. I didn't bother to argue or clarify - I will simply avoid doing anything like that in the future. There's no need to make her wrong when the message is clear enough. Don't do it. Okay. The other thing is the boundary of nudity when changing clothes. On one hand, she has noticed in the past that I have been leaving the room or have been otherwise avoidant when she is changing. She's told me that I don't have to leave or hide, so I've been staying. But what to do with my eyes? I think my wife is beautiful, so I certainly don't mind seeing her, but I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. Tonight I asked if she does feel uncomfortable with me there after all, and eventually she stated that she does. I do appreciate that she told me, but both issues shake my confidence in my understanding of the boundaries.
I'm annoyed, too, because (I think - I'm still working on this) she really didn't/couldn't give me anything to work with. I wanted to know what I can do, or what I should avoid, to make her more comfortable. She said "Nothing - it's just me." Unfortunately that leaves me rather ignorant and prone to cause her discomfort again. I hate that. It's a real answer, but I could do with some instructions here. And really, it's got to be more than just her to make this work. My solution, for now, is to find something to do elsewhere well before and after there is any disrobing.
May 2010
My wife doesn't really know what she wants or needs from one day to the next. Part is the sa, part is the EMDR moving her through the cycle of dealing with one set of memories and dealing with the next batch. I know there will be cycles, but they are tough to face - particularly when we move from a peak to a valley. It was interesting that you mentioned the writhing snakes - we have the very same ones here.
I don't actually recall the grabbing/hugging incident at all. I started down the road of trying to pinpoint the what/when/where of it, but I realized that it might seem defensive. Anyway it was belaboring a point that was pretty clear: don't do anything like that until further notice. If she perceives something like that again, perhaps she'll be willing to point it out in the moment. I agree, there was something there that was intimidating. I placed a moratorium on sex a little over a year ago and have stuck to it, so intellectually she would know that I wouldn't mean more, but perhaps there was a trigger or distortion in play. I don't know if her abuse started out with hugging - the specifics are a little too much for her to tell me for now.
I adore my wife, and she's worth everything I can do to help us through this.
A few things have happened for me since around that time.
One is that I have become far less anxious. My wife was not completely aware how anxious I was, assuming I was angry at her or resistant when I was actually covering my anxiety. I was sometimes paralyzed by indecision, and I was overwhelmed about going on vacation - let alone planning one. I was also worried about disapproval from my wife, who I viewed as somewhat rigid about the way things should be done.
Another thing that happened is that things became too much for my wife. I've described earlier in this thread how our relationship quietly unraveled, but she was also having trouble with day-to-day things. Her pain was slowly taking over, and neither of us could ignore it anymore. I was moved to action first.
The last important step is that I finally agreed to individual therapy as an adjunct to our couples therapy. She had suggested I go to therapy before, but I felt like I was being off to accept the status quo and I wasn't having it. Once we got down to business in couples therapy I knew I needed support. I began to explore my own feelings (still working on this - I was suddenly sad in therapy this week, but unsure why.) and I began to see my role. I don't think it's just by chance that I ended up with a survivor - there was an affinity or perhaps a need in play (don't get me wrong: my wife is an incredible person and totally worth every bit of effort I can muster). Would a woman who is emotionally available want a man like me, a man who actually has to learn and concentrate on social norms that most people are born with? How long can anyone tolerate living with an anxious spouse? Hasn't she (unknowingly) supported me through my rough times? One thing that I have found is that anger from either partner, while reasonable, is not helpful.
It's is absolutely OUR problem. We have children and we agreed that we would give them the parenting that we should have had. It's also my problem because she's the love of my life and I plan to spend the next 50+ years with her in relative comfort.
The "price" is a recurring theme in my wife's sa recovery. My wife was just saying in therapy that she'll know she's doing better when we have sex, which puzzled me. I said I'd know she was doing better when she felt better, and then we could talk about sex. She definitely feels that she is obligated, and I suspect I have subtly supported that thinking, though far less than a year ago. I could probably do better. Yes, I would love to have that part of our life back - but I would love even more to help my wife feel better. I'll be thinking about this...
In other news, we appear to have been successful in our appeal to reinstate EMDR. I say "appear" because the insurance company has been quite slippery and has not been following their own published regulations. They appear to have overturned their denial, but I sense that our victory will be short-lived. I'm pretty sure I had them on the ropes this time and they had to give in, but next time they'll probably be more careful.
I DID tell her the truth as I now understand it: that I will not leave her over the lack of sex. We've made huge strides in communication and affection, so things don't feel as dire as they once did. As long as we're still communicating and working on us together, I'm in. I still want a sex life together, and I was pleased when she told me that she wants that too.
Jul 2010
The insurance thing has been worked out and it looks like they'll let us do what we're doing for 6 months. I have to admit that that is more than reasonable.
Something new: I earned this week that my wife feels that, once she is feeling better, that she owes me a huge debt for my support - and that debt will be repaid in sex. All I can think of is how horrible that must feel right now - the dread. It's hardly worth getting better if all that were true. It all goes back to the distortion of having a price, having to pay to get one's needs met. I told her there's no debt. I'm already paid in personal growth, a closer relationship with my wife, and in seeing her begin to feel better about herself. She still can't cut the little girl that was her a break. She's still stuck on the idea that she had a choice back then - when the truth was she was too young to know what was going on, and her abusers kept her disoriented in so many ways.
I also learned from her that she harbors some doubts about my statements that I will not leave her. She recalls some statements I made early on in this process. I did say that, sort of, but my perspective has changed radically since then. I'm in for the long term. To be fair, she has talked about leaving me, and about suicide. I guess the nuance is that my statement was about her, while her statements were..about her also.
Aug 2010
I recently admitted to her that I have felt that perhaps she finds my body repugnant, and I've been sort of hiding out. She told me that she does not find me repugnant, but that she finds anyone in the house in any state of undress to be anxiety-provoking. It makes sense. Without discussing it further, I've noticed that we are both trying to normalize being undressed near each other when changing or around bathing. It's a bit awkward because she's so beautiful that I want to look at her, but I'm also acutely aware that it would make her uncomfortable...as would avoiding looking at her. We'll work it out.
I've mentioned that our couple's therapist also does my wife's EMDR and has an individual session with me. You all can make what you like of that, but it works well for now. This week I asked the therapist where she thought my wife (and I) are along the continuum of recovery - at least the more acute phase. I was not pleased to hear 1/3 to maybe 1/2 way along. We've been at this mostly full-throttle for about 14 months. Still, I sense that it is true. I know we aren't halfway there...whatever "there" will look like. I guess "nearly half" will do, and who's to say that the other half will take as long or be as difficult all the time? We've made it this far, and we're the better for it.
We've embarked on a plan to sell our house and move to a neighboring city. It's a quality of life move ultimately, but for now it's insanely stressful to prepare a house for market. Crazy, right? But then again, it provides a distraction, gives us something to look forward too, and allows us to function as the unstoppable partners that we have always been. Our current home is not yet sold, so we're not halfway done with that either. She can't do as much to help as she used to, so I'm shouldering quite a burden. I'm not resentful though - she's doing some big work that I can't do for her. I know she feels guilty that she isn't helping more. I appreciate the thought, but it really is okay. I really want to look forward to a new house though - the strain is wearing me down and I could really use a short-term goal to focus on.
Aug 2010
I have a great deal of shame about this, but I'll go ahead and get it down in the hopes that it will help somebody:
***triggers-mature sexual content***
My wife was looking for something in our computer's recycling bin last week. She found some pornographic images that I had deleted several months ago, but had failed to fully delete. She was quite upset, but sat on it a few days. It continued to bother her until she couldn't stand it anymore, so she told me. In a restaurant. We were there celebrating my birthday - hadn't even finished our meal. Luckily, we were alone. She's had difficulty in telling me exactly why it upset her so much. There's the obvious reasons that any woman might cite, some idea that she may have been connected to porn in the past, and some thought that this would not have happened if she were a "good wife". And something triggering that led her to panic then, and again in our couple's therapy. It's something too big for her to handle all at once.
I feel horrible that my actions led to triggering her. Also sad, ashamed, exposed, embarrassed, resentful... I could go on. So yes, I do look at images. I don't think an explanation is in order (to you, gentle reader), nor an excuse. My own sexuality is so cumbersome now. Most images are upsetting to me in terms of how women are portrayed or treated. Sometimes things that were okay before are truly repugnant now...some of you know all to well how that is. The ones my wife saw seemed fairly "safe" to me. I don't think she actually saw more than a thumbnail size - but that was more than enough. I understand that people with "normal" sex lives look at porn, so I'm not convinced that our sex life has led to this. Now I'm all conflicted over it. I can't really fantasize about her right now - the reality of our work in therapy is just too close. Fantasizing about somebody I know feels tantamount to cheating. I was trying to deal with my own needs without involving her...or anyone else. That's where the resentment comes in, like I've been painted into a corner, and now they want to paint the corner.
We're working on it. My shame will eventually fade as we work on whatever the memories associated with the trigger are. One day we'll be able to enjoy birthdays and houses selling. These should have been a great last few days, but there's such a pall over everything right now.
Aug 2010
Things are still tough. I'm feeling less ashamed as I recognize that I really didn't do anything wrong. I still hate that I had a hand in a triggering event, but I'll have to get over that at some point. There will be triggers, I will avoid them as best I can, but I can't get all freaked out when something inevitably crops up. With that though I am moving through some resentment.
I realized that I'm feeling now the way I did back when I wrote the letter to my wife. After more than a year with sex out of the picture, it's much clearer: I feel alone, uncared for, adrift. We are existing in tandem. I know that this is normal for the healing process, but I wasn't expecting such a low. It may be artificially low, given the sheer magnitude of external stressors we've had recently. I guess the difference is that I have hope this time, and we have more safety than we did before.
Sept 2010
This thing we've uncovered is big. Too big to understand, or speak of yet. It is smothering us like a thick blanket of despair. I continue to feel guilty, but I also see that the situation is way out of proportion with what I did. I've inadvertently awakened a giant. We would have encountered it anyway, but I wish we could have chosen the time.
She's angry - at everything. She's also passively suicidal - at least I think it's passive at this point. She feels so bad that she is unable to recognize the progress that we have been making. She said "It's like being on a path that turns black behind me, and disappears. I can't remember where I've just been. And the path is on fire. I can either disappear into the darkness, or walk through the fire." She said she wishes she could make it end, but she stupidly made too many important commitments. I can't really do more than I'm already doing for her. I would do anything, mind you, but there's nothing more to do. Our EMDR/couples therapist is going to be on vacation soon, so I think that the work will be to find safety for now.
**End Triggers**
This should be a happy time - we've sold our house and our offer on the next house was accepted. I've come so close to saying "If you're going to leave me, this would be the time." but that would be a horrible thing to say - especially now. I suspect she might say the same to me, and I have no intention of leaving. This is hard, but I believe life is better with her than without. I know she would disagree, but that's what this is all about...right?
I'm just going to put this out there: since I mentioned the pornography thing, none of the usual sas folks have commented at all. Perhaps this is a coincidence, but perhaps not. I wonder if you are disappointed or angry with me. I certainly feel like I deserve it. I hope that you will post if so - I think I could understand better if you would. Don't worry, I'm strong and I can take it.