A Husband's story (formerly "the husband's story")

[ladysslipper]

Husband one very important thing about doing EMDR that you may or may not know. When proccessing with EMDR the proccessing does not stop when you leave the t's office. The mind works in strange ways and can continue to proccess for a few days after a session. I know that when was doing EMDR I could be very edgey and emotional for several days after the session. Sometimes I would not realize why I was in the mood I was in until I remembered oh yeah I proccessed this week.
I am sure you are already doing this but the best thing I think you can do for her when she is going through the really hard stuff is to give her space. If she is sad, down, angry or whatever let her be with her feelings. Pick up some of the slack around the house if she needs it and if she wants to lay curled up in bed for a while let her. If she wants to talk let her and if she doesnt dont push.
EMDR proccessing is hard on the mind and the body but in the end all of the hard work really does pay off. Things that trigger her now will not be such a big deal one day and she will be able to really feel and enjoy more of life.
You probably already know all of this but I wanted to share my own experience with you.

[the husband]

Thanks ladyslipper

I do know about the after effects of EMDR and have taken on many of the household tasks. I believe that EMDR has been extremely helpful in moving us forward.

While I know this, it doesn't hurt to be reminded, and somebody new might be along at any minute to learn this for the first time.

[the husband]

I'm bone tired recently. More emotionally than physically. I'm doing about the same amount of extra work. I guess the difference is that my normally super-dependable wife has been letting things go a little - and I don't know which things or for how long until they surprise me. I've also had little to no time alone, which I need to sort of regroup. I'll have to suck it up for the next week until other events have passed.

On the plus side, I've joined a gym nearby and got a workout in already.

Bed.

[coast]

hey - way to go my friend, glad you keep sight of your needs too

i been wonderin why you went from 'the husband's story' to 'a husband's story'

[ladysslipper]

Good for you for recognizing your own needs. As important as it is for you to be there for your wife your own needs can not go unmet. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to find balance between all of the demands life is throwing at you. I wish there were someone else for you to lean on and pick up some of the slack.
Great that you joined a gym it always helps to work out some of the day to day stress.

[the husband]

Hi coast a ladyslipper

The "a" vs. "the" change was something minor that had been bothering me for awhile. I want my posts to be a breadcrumb trail to other loved ones who may come after me, and there was something about naming the thread after me that seemed too proprietary. I want people to post here as they see fit, to identify with what I feel or learn, and to soak up the wisdom that others add. This is all putting more thought to it than I actually had at the time I made the change though.

I'm trying to meet my own needs, but it's hard to leave things too loose at home. There's guilt, the knowledge that things undone will wait for me, and the awareness that my wife is stressed by these things as well. She is also bone tired, and only some of that can be explained away by her work and sleep schedule. She says she hasn't been working on anything new in therapy, but I like to tell myself that perhaps all this is because she's about to make some progress.

[ladysslipper]

For me there seems to be a cylce that I go through when I am seeing t. It starts with the emdr proccessing which can be one or two sessions. Then for a few weeks I am completely exhausted and just talk about smaller things in t. Then as my energy returns it is time for me to do more proccessing. My decision. After the proccessing I go through more exhaustion again and the cyle starts all over.
Living alone I have had to let a lot of things go in order to keep my sanity. I have ahd to be okay with not cleaning the bathroom or things like that.

[the husband]

My wife's sort of "step-cousin" contacted me via facebook today. They live in another state. He and his family are staying with my wife's foo and stepmother (who we're not really dealing with due to their denial) for a few days. The cousin was asking to get together. I said okay, named a day and time we would definitely not be available, and asked him if they'd like to come to our house at any other time and date. I also briefly let him know that we had a "yet-to-be-resolved issue specific to" my wife's folks and that we hadn't actually seen them in several months, and that this would not be a great time to try and get everyone together. I said we would love to see the cousin and his family, regretted that this was awkward, and said I hoped they would still like to get together. I kept it extremely neutral, as if I was going to have to read this aloud in front of a critical audience.

I've heard nothing back from him, and I see that he's been all over fb since.

I DID hear from the stepmother though. She wrote only me on fb and asked if I would like to come and see everyone at their house for a barbeque. No mention of my wife, the kids, "you guys". Guess when the barbeque is to be? The same time as the commitment I cited to the cousin. I politely declined, citing the existing commitment. Nothing.

For myself, I honestly don't care. They're barely a part of our lives, and the fewer marginal social connections the better so far as I'm concerned. I am annoyed that the cousin seems to have needlessly chosen sides. I'm annoyed that my wife's folks are still desperately trying to keep up appearances and to make false gestures so that they can say they "tried". I'm annoyed that all this energy goes into maintaining a facade, which includes trying to drag my wife back to old unwanted roles.

[ladysslipper]

Oh the dysfunction of extended family. It used to surprise and annoy me but not anymore. One day I realized that extended family stems from the same crazy parents and upbringing and my own dad. The difference is that my dad learned to be more caring and compasionate than his siblings.
It is really not worth putting any energy into the dysfuntional family members be it immediate or extended family.

[the husband]

This actually has a good ending. The cousin eventually contacted me and we set up a visit. We didn't discuss anything about the issue with my wife's foo and stepmother. My wife pointed out later than the cousin's wife has a difficult family and that she and the cousin may already be aware of how to navigate dysfunction.