kspouse

[the husband]

(I thought you ought to have your own thread so that there would be no crosstalk over this latest turn of events.)

Hi kspouse

I'm sorry that it has come to divorce - I know that was not your choice.

If it were me, I guess I would have done what you did - which appears to be neither grabbing on to the divorce idea and running with it (validating your wife's perception that you have been trying to escape, or at least contributing to her efforts to push you away), or fighting yet harder to stay married (and thereby feeling a little pathetic and victimized - as if you hadn't already put in a Herculean effort).

How do you feel? Is there any sense of relief? Any chance of a better situation for the kids?

[lonelylife]

Hi kspouse, the husband,
The husband has asked some great inquiries and I want to join in and offer my support to your responses, as I myself have been at a total loss for words so I am glad to see such an insightful post.

[Icarus]

Hi kspouse, i'm so sorry that you're going through a divorce. Although I've not really posted on the previous site in regards to you and your wife I have read and followed you through issues you experience and the support you have given to her.

My relationship with my previous partner was very traumatic and turbulent. Things happened in it that effect my behaviours to this day. We split over a year ago, but went through 5 years of a civil partnership first (UK's version of a same sex marriage). During these years she ground me down and treated me like a child, got me to the point where I'd do anyting she wanted just to keep the peace. She also cheated on me with a man too and would regularly tell me during that time, that she didnt love me she was in love with him. Yet I stayed with her hoping that one day she would see me and love me back.....alas she never did and the remainder two and half years were even more hell than the others. She asked me about 5 times for a divorce but she never started proceedings. She used to say she couldnt live with someone who'd been abused and be expected to put up with the behaviours that came with it. In the end it took us splitting up and her moving back to America, then me asking her for a divorce for the papers to finally be filed. Even then she left me to pay the final installment before the absolute was granted. It was so hard and hurt like hell, but what hurt more was that she refused to be the respondent, she insisted on being the petitioner as she said there was no way on earth she would allow me to divorce her as she had done nothing wrong. When I received the papers she had basically crucified me in them and blamed me for everything. It was so hard, but I got through it and now I'm on the other side it feels like a weight has gone. I'm so glad to be free of that relationship as my life now has completely changed, but it doesnt mean the hurt has gone away....that will take time to heal but it will happen - or so im told.

I'm thinking of you Kspouse as I know what its like to go through a divorce when you've put everything into the relationship in the first place. You have done nothing wrong and I'm so very sorry it has come to this for you. Please know that you are cared about here and we're all here to support you through this. Take care of yourself though in the meantime.

Icarus

[ladysslipper]

I have been gone from the site for a while and was shocked to hear what has taken place. I am so sorry to hear about the divorce. I have been thinking about you and was wondering how things were going. Now I know. Please reach out if there is anything we can do.

[kspouse]

Husband,I contemplated filing myself first for protection of the kids,but not concrete proof..And I really dont want the divorce but now its seems like thats the case,only a miracle can happen if she doesnt want it..SHe is the one that filed and wants the divorce,so I am going full bore with everything I have in order to keep the kids away.I dont want her to abuse them anymore.She is trying to get right but its all just for a court date and not reality for her.YOu know someone with an additcion can hide it then it comes back..THe only fault I have and she knows that the main reason she doesnt trust me is I have told a few people and it got back to her.BUt the T told her he is not doing this to be meliscious I am grasping for help because I dont want her brought down anymore or us either.SHe is getting a dose of her own though as she has told her freinds about things in the bedroom then they try to turn it on me so I dont hang around her friends anymore obviously.Herculean effort yes you know what that is....All the threats she has made about divorce,I got it coming to me and all man the lawyer told me not to leave the house and hang in there until Sept 13 thats when we go to court for use of the house during the separation.If the judge sees I get the house then she is forced to leave and vise versa.SHe told me that usually whoever gets use of the house gets to have the kids.
I know I have a good lawyer,so does she..I feel good about all of the stuff I have told and brought to the lawyer...SHe is reading over all the diary I have been writing for the past 2 years about her behavior...I just dont know what she will say about me but I havent done anything,whatever she will bring up will be a lie anyways..Sense of relief somewhat but then we are still living together and this could get bad,going through the courts and all,but it may not get to that I dont know yet.I am not putting the cart before the horse.I want full custody with her having supervised visitation..Thats the only way I see fit..The thing is now she is trying to be perfect,when she comes home the kids are excited to see her,loving on her like it should be.But how long will that last..She will go back to her old ways,dropping them off somewhere and she go drink,I know her too well.I just want what best for us all.The kids will be torn,my youngest is scared,oldest seems to be ok but I know it bothers her also.No kid wants their parents divorced.So many have told me that she asked for this and will regret it.
Lonelylife thanks for the support also.You have been there for me and it helps..I was so scared when I got the papers served,its only natural,but alot of that fear comes from her I just sense it.
I carus,I am taking care of myself as best I can.Not making money at all righ now is bringing me down...I havent put the efforrt because of the worry I have for my children.
Ladyslipper,You are another one that has been there for me also...After finding papers from my wife going to a lawyer back in march,cancelling me as a beneficiary on her life insurance abck in march she had this planned,but then starts counceling with and without me going.I gave her the space she needed,refrainded from all of the good things because of the pulling back herky jerky.SHe took it as I dont want her,I cant help that because I do have to protect myself and know this in not a healthy situatioin to be in but still hung in there.

[split p]

we jus ben want someone protec kids cuz u n wif grown up. plz mak sure they protectd. u can call othrs if u cant.

[Gizmo]

Kspouse

I feel it necessary to share my concerns with you especially in light of your most recent posting or your situation. I have been keeping up with all the correspondence that has been occurring in regards to your situation.

I do understand that you may feel that staying in the family home is the only way to ensure you get the chance to keep the family home and to be able to keep your girls. I hear that you say that your lawyer has recommended that you stay in the house til the 13 Sptember. Having said that l also hear you say loud and clear "I dont want her to abuse them anymore.

I am going to be very blunt here in saying that from a child protection stance, you have clearly acknowledged by that previous statement that you are fully aware that your daughters are being abused, thus by you not contacting child protection services or any other authority whom deal with children at risk from abuse, you are actually being an enabler to the abuser. I know this sounds harsh, but it is the only way l can actually spell this out to you.

What l mean from a professional stand point is that an enabler is somebody who knows that a child is at risk, but for whatever reason, and yours appears to be that you want to keep the family home, you are enabling the abuse to happen or continue. You have not shown any indication to remove your daughters to a place of safety, even though you have stated you know the abuse is happening.

I do understand that this is an extremely difficult time for you, and any outcome is going to be hard and painful for you, but seriously as a loving parent who wants the best for their daughters, in my professional opinion you need to stop thinking about the bricks and mortar and posessions and think about looking for a place of safety for your girls.

Have you not got family? Friends? anybody who would put you up til you can find somewhere better for you and your girls? Have you looked into shelters any other resources that you can call upon to help you find alternative accomodation? Both Jonesy and l would happily help you to look for resources to protect your daughters.

[kspouse]

After talking with councelors about calling child protection,they have not said anything good about them as its government ran and most are there just for a job..I have showed concern by bringing her to a councelor and the next time my wife cancelled the appointment.Its all documented.Just because child protection is called doesnt mean anything will get solved..I personally know someone that did that a month ago and this was after the child admitted he was being SA.The child is still with the mom as it was her nephew that is or was abusing him.They ae still letting the child live with the mom.So with that said my daughter hasnt ever told me.She shuts down from me asking her...I havent concrete proof other than what I have noticed and cannot make her tell.There is so much more than just calling and expecting..My lawyer said it deosnt matter because the girls will have to go to counceling with all of the evidence I have and what has been said it will come out somehow...If I was an enabler then I would not be doing all the documenting because as child protection is a crap shoot at best.

[learning]

kspouse~

You are in a very difficult situation, to be sure. You also have a lot of input from a lot of different sources to sift through and decide what is best for your family.

To be honest, I was relieved to read Gizmo's post, because she has said some of what I had been thinking.

I guess in all of your situation what keeps coming back to me is if you are so SURE, I mean SURE!, that your girls are being abused, and from all that you say, it seems like you are really 100% sure, then I guess I don't see how creating a paper trail is the only thing that can be done. Abuse is a real and serious threat that has ramifications throughout a person's life. If it's going on, then it's a very serious danger and threat against your children. What if it were a stranger doing this?

My heart breaks for every one of us here who has endured abuse, and if I knew 100% that someone were abusing my children, there is no way I could wait while the system took its lazy time to do something about it. I would take them and get them somewhere safe, and let the system then work its course. I could not wait for the system to do something about it, while I was there, knowing it was going on.

What would they say if you took the girls to safety and then told them why? Would they chastise you for doing everything in your power to remove them from the abusive situation? Perhaps they would be more diligent about looking into your accusations if you were responding in a way that showed you see it as a true emergency situation.

I guess my feelings are all based on your absolute certainty that the abuse is ongoing. I also wonder if someone is going to say... "if you KNEW that the abuse was going on without a doubt, why didn't you get the girls out of there?" or "if it really was such a danger, why didn't you do something more?" (I may be projecting here, as that would be my absolute greatest fear in life ... that someone was harming my kids and I didn't do enough to protect them.)

I'm so sorry that your situation has become even more volatile and uncertain. I really do wish the best for all of you.

[lonelylife]

Oh my goodness kspouse. I still get what you're saying at this point, on some level. I see that you are afraid that if you do something hastily, the way the sytem acts, that it could backfire on you and your children could suffer longer term, as they then turn around and serve them up to your wife on a platter. Goodness knows I beat my own head against the wall trying to bring smaller forms of justice to my father growing up on just an extended-familial level, and trying to trap my mother in her own web as an adult. That's why I'd mentioned taping your wife previously. I gained some level of success with this means, but interestingly, even with proof, my relatives still decided to have long term memory loss, and reverted back to trying to forget the evidence they heard with their own lying ears. And I definitely tried, valiantly and vocally, but never to the authorities because I knew my proof of p/e/v abuse was even more ephemeral. There is something wrong in a world where justice is so little served, not just with my stupid relatives, but in the court systems as well. And where one who tries to see it served has to fear it getting twisted and the outcome be made worse. I don't know what to say to do, because if you at all appear to in any way appear to be acting stealthily in terms of hiding the kids in secret someplace, you will be painted as the criminal, and of course your wife will dramatize your hiding to the hilt. If also you look like the one with an unstable home, that could be twisted by the courts too, so for example if you leave and have a "less stable" looking home because yours is more temporary than she does, maybe that could be held against you as well. I can sit here from the comfort and safety of where I sit and speculate, and I know that based on having tried my best myself to prove my abuse as I said just on a casual level and never getting anywhere, I don't know what I'd do in your situation. I know it's got to be stressful beyond all hell. I know it has to be exactly like hell. I could never have envisioned a situation that has as much gray area as this one. The only thing I keep wishing is that when your daughter had tried to call 911, and then your wife essentially bullied the phone out of her hand, that you had not only let your daughter make that call, but also accompanied her to the phone. Your wife seemed to be unfairly in charge of those situation, since if she's been abusive she had absolutely no business being in charge of anything. Those were probably the prime opportunities for the most effective action, right in the middle of something going on. But I am guessing you were still enough in disbelief that you still couldn't fully fathom the possibility that she was really abusive yet, and hindsight always looks 20/20.