Torching relationships

[earthhorse]

So I ended another friendship yesterday.

It was my friend who was helping me find help. We both applied for the same treatment at the same time one year ago. I am still waiting for treatment, they had their first treatment in December and have had two extra seperated treatments since and are receiving a lot of care and support 24/7 The opposite is my case. No treatment yet and no care.

I have been obsessed with the difference, my PTSS is far worse and my needs now are acute. My life is on hold due the severity of the symptoms. My trauma history is much more severe. Their symptoms are 'mild' etc... Super petty stuff. I don't believe in comparisons it's not possible when it comes to abuse. But I have been doing it.

So I wonder how I got to the point where it just became anger at my friend - who is very sweet, and is nothing but supportive. I can't trust myself to be around them because I end up being a brute and out right emotionaly abusive.. Questioning them but not interested in the answer. Suspicious about the grounds to which they are seeking help and finding it hard not to wonder out loud to their face if they even have PTSS. And of course wondering that out loud to others, which is relational aggression.

The resentment just took over. And has left very little intact to salvage in our relationship. And I know it's all on me. The odd thing was I knew I had broken things probably beyond repair and what I felt was elated, a kind of giddy relief. Weirdly closer to them thanI felt in a long time.

Especially since I burned out but definitely before, I have a long list of friendships and work relationships I have torched. I have a way of making it not possible to keep the connection.

I'd like to explore this pattern. Right now I honestly don't get me at all. But I know I've got a problem. I want to stop harming people, and just move beyond just hating myself for this.

[coconuts]

Here listening.

I have no words of wisdom. Just comfort and listening. I think in a way the jealousy is a tiny bit healthy. It shows yiu are noticing the injustice. You are believing that you deserve better. Not necessarily that you dont want her to get help. But that you dont want to be shorted. That you want help too. And that says that in a tiny way, you see the value in being you. That you deserve healing. Because you do. Yoh most certainly do.

I wish. Oh how i wish you could get that help.

Coconuts

[earthhorse]

Coconuts thank you so much <3

Yeah I never perceived myself as a jealous person, it just wasn't me, or so I thought... I don't feel a lot of jealousy over much. I vowed never to become bitter no matter what. Now I have seen clearly that it's a problem at least in this situation - I recognize resentment as a pattern, a pattern related to exclusion. In this case, it has expressing itself very compulsively, as I have been blindsided by it in the past - it's just pure frustration and a sense of injustice. I want my friend to have all the care they need full stop, I want to support them 1000%, that is my wholehearted intention. Yet all that I am reminded of now when I hear from them or connect with them, is they are receiving care I need from the same source. And I am excluded and they are not, I am very sick and they are not struggling as badly - double standards...

There is definitely something family based about it... there was never enough of anything to go round. And well my mother... she really let me know she didn't want to care for me, but would often pit us children against one another in order to compete for basic things or affection. There were a lot of double standards and absurd rules. I often had to work a lot harder than the other children too and had a lot of care work before I was old enough to handle it. I'd have to give what I needed because I cared for them. But sometimes I just wished they, especially my sister, would just let me be a little girl with needs too - it was too much responsibility.

This just touches on something that has been growing and growing. Rage. Rage at what happened and the fact that it doesn't matter at all. It's no ones problem but mine. Rage that I have to kow tow and bend and twist and suffocate so much to be able to fit into systems and relationships, that do not recognize my experiences or my condition as anything beyond a 'problem' for them.

This friend was also pretty clear with me that any details of my experiences or any of my feelings related to it, or any darker stuff I was going through, was something they did not want to hear about. I'd often feel extremely anxious in their company. And to be honest I think it was a really good thing for me to take space. It wasn't good for me to have to feel like I needed to suppress so much or that so much of what I needed to feel safe wouldn't be acknowledged.

It's so messed up because on the one hand I am overcome by emotions like this, bitter resentment, frustration and rage at lack of acknowledgement of the abuse and trafficking, and the immense trauma and impact - I guess proportionate to the hope I was feeling that has been dashed against the rocks- and then I still get huge feelings of denial, shame like I am an impostor and well just the worst human being that ever existed, so vile and ill.

I am tired of no one relating, I am tired of being the only one. I am so tired of being so unwell and deeply impacted and just losing everything over and over because of what happened to me, because I can't seem to get better. Be better , do better... I just feel like a cornered animal in so much pain lashing out even at people who would help me.

Sigh... I am stronger than this. I am moving inward. I am owning these feelings fully. I need choices.

Love,
EH

[Watercolor]

It seems like dramatic injustice couldn't help but evoke dramatic, "loud" emotions and reactions. Outrage, animosity, jealousy for the help and support you so rightly need and they get to experience, disbelief that things could even become so unfair, confusion as to how and why things were weighted in their favor and not yours.... Gosh, I'm envisioning such a stream of feelings--and explosive ones--that could erupt from such an outcome. It's no wonder you can't stay close to them.

Especially in light of this:

This friend was also pretty clear with me that any details of my experiences or any of my feelings related to it, or any darker stuff I was going through, was something they did not want to hear about.

For me, this would re-enact too much, being demanded to be silent, not to disclose, for them to not be willing to witness any of your own pain and suffering. And yet they are the victim who has been recognized and chosen for treatment and help. No. That sounds unbearable.

I'm so sorry for all this, EH. How to even process it? I wish I had an answer and could send you tangible comfort, strength and peace. You're in my thoughts.

[earthhorse]

If okay?

((((((((((((((((( Watercolor ))))))))))))))))))

Thank you for this incredible validation and support. I feel wholly embraced. Thank you dear one for getting it.

Love,
EH

[dancingfish]

Sending you a whole lot of care and support, earthhorse. A lot of wisdom shared by coconuts and Watercolour which makes sense of some of what's going on for you perhaps too. :)

It's so hard when you can't feel heard, though. So much so when silence and shame have been poison tools wielded at you (as Watercolour says in lovely words!). I can understand someone (your friend) protecting themselves, but then... in the space that remains, maybe a friendship can't fit any more. Something I heard once is that sometimes a friend was right for then, but they're not right for now.

Back to the support and care, with some tea, biscuits and a heap o' blankets. Here listening, sitting with you if you'd like in this space where you and your words can just be.

[Watercolor]

Sure, hugs are great.

(((((((((((((earthhorse)))))))))))

I wish they had been willing to at least hear you. But I suspect this person is self-centered in more ways than one. And if so, separating yourself may actually be the safest path.

[earthhorse]

Dearest Dancingfish,

I remember you telling me that jealousy is a crystalization of what we truly desire. When you said that to me it really made so much sense and helped me help other friends too. <3

What you say now really rings true too - things have their time. I think it's fair enough to say " hey let's try and avoid triggering content while I am struggling." It was just a bit one sided. And this friend very much struggles with maintaining connections and relationships too, more so than I and it's a source of pain for them. Which is another reason I really wanted things to work.

To be honest I continue to feel like it was and is the right thing to take space. And kind of wish I had listened to the signs months ago. Rather than try to maintain the relationship and build up resentment because I didn't express what I needed or how I felt about some of their response s or dismissals.

It is just lonely right now, I've been experiencing crippling social anxiety and my usual haunts and patterns haven't been possible. It was important to maintain the connection for as long as I did. I think what was also hard is just getting so lost when I was alone, not having the executive functioning skills, so exhausted, hyperfocus , hyperarousal and hypersensitivity. Having people to connect to who were dealing with disability too, was all that was really giving my life any structure for a while and for that I'm very grateful.

Still I don't want to let myself off the hook with this too easily. There is something so not right about the obsessive comparisons, and judgement. It feels so alien to me I don't notice it sneaking up or that those are my feelings. It feels like a switch. It's dehumanizing - it reminds me of my mother's bitter comment, 'friends who needs friends' - sort of fundamental distrust.

In any case I am slowly getting better and one of the miraculous sides of this is finally been able to have some kind of more quality time with myself. Also by luck other friends have reentered my life who though still not the survivors like you I long to be with also in 3D, they are great companions and there is some magical serendipity that is helping me feel more alive. Just enough so I don't die of thirst and the small new seed of the person I am becoming can grow.

Love you Dancingfish. If you ever visit Europe please look me up.

Hugs.
EH

[earthhorse]

Thank you watercolor! I love hugs too.

Yeah I know this person really struggles with relationships and they are narcissistic. But I kind of saw this as pain, as injury they are working so hard to overcome it. I wanted to let them become closer, I wanted to model acceptance of them. It's really tough to realize I have very little to give right now. It's always the same, I don't realize I've gone over my own boundaries and comfort until I lash out to pry myself free. I am going to try and act on things earlier so it can be more constructive and I won't do harm.

Thanks for being on my side. It means so much to me.

Love,
EH

[there]

earthhorse,
coconuts, Watercolor, and dancingfish have said some very pertinent things.

So you're supposed to suppress all your needs and feelings, when they're getting the validation of treatment. Doesn't seem like a reasonable expectation of you by your friend.That seems pretty crazymaking to me.

Anger is often about injustice.

joining others in supporting you, dear earthhorse.