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I hate my childhood thoughts!

Posted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 7:45 pm
by Sherlocked
Hello all,
I first hope everyone is staying safe dealing with caronavirus. I am doing the best I can but it is extremely difficult staying quarantined with the rest of the state.

I am... I am extremely upset over thoughts that I had during my childhood that have been coming back. Brief backstory: severely sexually abused as a baby by birth parents before being adopted, am autistic and transgender.

So, I am upset over these thoughts and I am waiting for feedback from my therapist on this so yes I do have help in progress.

As a child, and again I’m upset that these thoughts even came to me as a child. I had thoughts about touching other girls in their intimate areas. I had a lot of curiosity about what they looked like, and wanted so bad to see and touch them. It drove me crazy but for some reason, I never acted on those urges and thoughts.

Recently, being that things are so chaotic, I had been thinking about how much I’ve been wishing I was young again and soon I began to remember how I had those urges.

It is killing me that those memories came back. It is sickening and I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m still a good person. It’s a tug of war of “just the thoughts were enough to make you a pedophile” and “you were just a child.”

I know it’s there’s the debate of abused becoming the abuser or pedophile and that’s why this is so frightening to me. I was scared to post this but this place is support.

I didn’t want any of this.

Re: I hate my childhood thoughts!

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2020 3:57 am
by Sherlocked
The quiet while waiting for my therapist is nerve wracking. I need to know that I’m still a good person.

Re: I hate my childhood thoughts!

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2020 9:58 am
by Serenity
Hi Sherlocked,

Please forgive me if I am misunderstanding your words, but it seems like you are talking about thoughts you had as a child, and not thoughts you're having as an adult? Children can't be pedophiles. Only adults can be. So a child having sexual thoughts is not a pedophile. Also, sexual thoughts and urges are a part of "normal" or typical development. Even children who weren't abused can have these thoughts and urges. It just can cause different emotions in people who were abused. None of this makes you a bad person. I'm glad that you posted here, and I hope that you hear back from your T very soon.

With care,
Serenity

Re: I hate my childhood thoughts!

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2020 3:12 pm
by coconuts
I agree with Serenity. As part of normal childhood development children can become very sexually curious. It is usually just that. A curiosity to learn more about parts and about sexuality. Pedophiles are adults who are sexually aroused by sexual acts with children. From what I understand It is usually more about the power differential than the actual children.

It sounds like you were a naturally curious child. Also children who have been sexually abused can be more likely to be curious because they are trying to figure it all out. Like what's the deal with what is going on there. And quite frankly it's a difficult part to see on ourselves. Easier to see on another person.

Re: I hate my childhood thoughts!

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2020 3:15 pm
by Sherlocked
Thank you Serenity and coconuts, no word yet back but it’s so disturbing to think I had those thoughts and there’s effects that linger. It hurts that these things are kept in the dark. I’m still trying to sort things out but they’re so damn painful they hurt.

Re: I hate my childhood thoughts!

Posted: Wed Apr 15, 2020 5:48 pm
by Sherlocked
I added more information to my therapist, that around age 11 and 12 (this was 1997, 1998 btw), I saw photographs of children *I won’t discuss what they were out of sensitivity* but I saw enough that stirred up both fascination, curiosity, shame, and feelings that I didn’t know what they were.

There is so much of that is complicated and I hate the isolation from caronavirus has amplified the chances for things to emerge that I didn’t realize.

I hate that my abusers damaged me the way they did. I’m a good person I didn’t ask for any of this sickness.