Feeling a fear of hurting others

Discussion area for adult survivors who are afraid they might hurt others physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally. Also an area for those who have harmed someone physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally and want to heal. Sexual addiction can also be discussed.

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Sherlocked
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Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:25 pm

Feeling a fear of hurting others

Post by Sherlocked »

Have other survivors felt a feeling of uneasiness and fear when they’re near family members with babies? My abuse happened to me as a baby and I’ve had... fears, recent fears of turning into my birth parents who were my abusers. I was told by a friend that mental illness is genetic and that threw me over the edge. Anyway, a while ago I did report a website with child porn to authorities and it was jarring because it was like a copycat of what was done to me.

I’ve never really been easy around babies and little kids but it was recently that I was around my almost 2 year old cousin and.. I felt afraid. I felt afraid I guess “for him”, I felt a sense of sadness when looking at him and it was sadness and a feeling of “what if I hurt him” “I can’t be near him because I was hurt and it was passed down to me.”

Has anyone else felt this?

I could never harm a baby the way I was harmed but sometimes, there’s this fear of “did my birth parents pass that darkness into me”
Ver sad.
"There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. However bad life may seem, while there is life, there is hope." - Stephen Hawking
Harmony
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Re: Feeling a fear of hurting others

Post by Harmony »

Oh dear Sherlocked,

That must be so very difficult a way to feel. It makes sense that this would cross your mind and trigger. The thing is YOU didn't act on this you only felt it. Feelings are just a clue to what hurt you. It doesn't mean you would ever touch a child. If children are an unpleasant trigger for you it is perfectly reasonable for you avoid them. Do you need to be alone with children of the age that trigger you? If not select a differently. If your life demands you be exposed to kids seek therapeutic help. Should you ever feel yourself making an actual move toward a child seek help immediately. Remember you aren't a criminal you are someone else's childhood victim.

Hope that helps,
Harmony
Sherlocked
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Re: Feeling a fear of hurting others

Post by Sherlocked »

Ever since my friend stated that mental health is genetic and the questioning of past childhood curiosities about others kids bodies, the idea of, the fear of hurting a child is sickening even though I know I’m breaking the cycle of violence that stops with me.

It’s heartbreaking, the feeling of how afraid I got and just hearing the mental whispers of “don’t think of him like that, you’re not your birth parents.”

It’s heartbreaking and unfair they did that to me.
"There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. However bad life may seem, while there is life, there is hope." - Stephen Hawking
Sherlocked
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Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:25 pm

Re: Feeling a fear of hurting others

Post by Sherlocked »

Harmony, thank you for your kind words. I don't get triggered by children all the time, it's more when I've had to be around any of my relatives when they were babies. I honestly never thought that was a trigger but it's only been recently as I've been working with my therapist. I'm lucky to have a therapist that has been so amazing just helping me. It is just so heartbreaking and frightening to quickly have that thought of "I can't have contact with ___", "I don't want to hurt ___ but why are those thoughts with me?" and the worst is "I'm sick, just like my birth parents were."
"There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. However bad life may seem, while there is life, there is hope." - Stephen Hawking
Tryingtostayafloat
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Re: Feeling a fear of hurting others

Post by Tryingtostayafloat »

Hi sherlocked,

That, must be so hard, I'm sorry your going through it.
I understand your feelings and the thoughts you have had. This resonates with me I have a part of me that points out how easy it would be to hurt an innocent child. I know I would never harm and as Harmony pointed out, thoughts are not actions. And that it is a reflection of what has happened in your own life rather than what you want to do.

I like to think of trauma as being hereditary rather than mental health. I hold the trauma of all my genetic make up before me because trauma actually changes our brains. But we are also our completely our own person and our generation's have broken the trauma cycle.
The way we react in situations is because we learnt to adapt in real danger and fear as a child and when we are triggered now as adults, we get rushed back to the same emotions we felt then as a child. The shadow of our own inner pains comes back to remind us how sad and hurt we truly are and how many more of us out there, there is.

Tryingtostayafloat
Last edited by Serenity on Tue May 25, 2021 11:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Changed MT to NT for no triggering detail
I thought my heart was failing
Hey you're ok, you seem to be still standing
Flashes appeared in the corner of my eyes, I saw the stars and I didn't ask why
Heard the voices and caught my breath
So close and yet so far from death
-Florence + the machine
Sherlocked
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Posts: 121
Joined: Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:25 pm

Re: Feeling a fear of hurting others

Post by Sherlocked »

Thank you for your kind words tryingtostayafloat. I sometimes think thoughts are scarier than actions. I know I have the power to fight those thoughts and certainly god as my witness not act on them. But it was soo unsettling to feel them and feel the fear settle in my stomach.
"There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. However bad life may seem, while there is life, there is hope." - Stephen Hawking
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