Right and wrong

Discussion area for adult survivors who are afraid they might hurt others physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally. Also an area for those who have harmed someone physically, sexually, emotionally, and/or verbally and want to heal. Sexual addiction can also be discussed.

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Chessgirl
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Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Right and wrong

Post by Chessgirl » Sat Nov 07, 2020 12:28 pm

I have a very loving, patient, forgiving partner. He comes from a family of psychologists and has also struggled with addiction in the past, so for whatever reason he has been unbelievably compassionate with me... unlike any of the boyfriends I have had prior to him. Before him I would only date abusers and narcissists. He and I hVe a child together and I love him so much. I don’t understand why I keep hurting him though. It frightens me because the last thing I want is to be Anything like my mother who was verbally, physically and emotionally abusive to me. My mother called me every name in the book and any little thing would set off her verbal hate. She would tell me she hated me and that I was worthless. That I should have been Adopted... she would call me stupid and dumb and mock me. She called me bitch and brat and whore and leach. Anyway, every time My partner and I get into an argument I call him mean names I’ll call him and idiot and an a**hole among other things. I also threaten to take our child and leave the state. I always apologize later, but it doesn’t take back what I said and the hurt I caused. I’m afraid that I hVe this problem and Although I’ve never said anything cruel to my child I’m afraid I may one day if I don’t get this under control. My other fear involves my cheating on my partner. Due to never having had parental love, I feel tht I may always be trying to fill this void in my life and I often attempt this by cheating on my partner with random men from my past. I haven’t done this in awhile but I am haunted by all the times I’ve done it. He would never do that to me so I don’t know what my problem is. He has forgiven me countless times ... I just feel like such a bad person like I am no different from my mother and abuser who treated me and my dad terribly. My mother Had a strange relationship with my brother... a special relationship and he was the favorite. They would make out together and take bAthes together and flirt like they were highschool sweethearts. He gave her naked massages. Today he lives directly behind her with their yards connected and they have a big compound together. He is in denial about All the abuse that went on. My brother is a very sick man today but I won’t get into that today. Another fear I have is having a son one day. My partner wants one so bad but I don’t know if I will know how to treat a boy or be close with him. I like to think I would never do the things to my son that my mother did but for some reason I’m afraid. I think when you have parents who say they love you but then act in ways that are opposite of love and hurt you and others, it blurs the lines between what is right and what is wrong, what is love and what is just sick and twisted. I wonder if anyone else can relate to these fears and problems.

Crow
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Posts: 229
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2020 12:22 pm

Re: Right and wrong

Post by Crow » Sat Nov 07, 2020 2:33 pm

Hi Chessgirl,

I understand some of your concerns.
My mother treated me with the same types of abuse as you have mentioned yourself. I was so determined that when I had children that I would never smack them as punishment - not even a tap on the hand. I remember though when my daughter was little that I did one day smack her. That was a sad day for me because I felt like I had failed as a parent. After that it became all too easy to smack here and there.
When my son was a few years old I also found it too easy to lose my temper and shout a lot and on just a few occasions I smacked both of my children on the backs of their legs.
I eventually acknowledged that there is a difference between smacking as a calm measured form of discipline, and that of lashing out in temper and anger. I want to reiterate that I don't believe that the above distinction makes smacking children okay. Would I say that I abused my children? No, not intentionally. No, not at all. But if I say that smacking is wrong and amounts to abuse then I must have done... which is right? I know that my daughter was five and my son was three when I last smacked them (and even then, these were few and far between events).

So, I do understand when you say you worry about one day saying cruel things or hurting your child. I know that I have made the mistake of saying things to my son that at the time I didn't see was borderline emotionally wrong, but I am so so aware of how I behave and the things I say to them.
Remember, we are human and we make mistakes. Sure I feel guilty and torture myself over the rare past occasions that I smacked or said hurtful things to my children, but it has been six years since I did those things. I need to be kind to myself, and I reckon you should be too. :)

As for cheating on your partner and being mean to him, I don't know or have any answers there. But the very fact you recognise this pattern and the way you feel is a good thing.
Not sure if any of that is helpful at all?
I've never said this to anyone about how I feel or have been with my children when they were younger. As I say, it was just the odd smack on the hands or legs, not the sort of physical attacks and emotional and verbal abuse I suffered. My children are loved so much and they know it and show it too. :)

Take care,

Crow

Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Right and wrong

Post by Chessgirl » Sat Nov 07, 2020 3:22 pm

Thank you Crow. You really helped put some things into perspective for me. Making mistakes and being aware of those mistakes does not necessarily make me like my abusive mother. With counseling and self awareness, I think I can do right by my family. :)

coconuts
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Posts: 4275
Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2016 2:34 am

Re: Right and wrong

Post by coconuts » Sat Nov 07, 2020 4:37 pm

I think Crow did a great job explaining. We cant be perfect. The strive for perfection is often an impact of abuse as well.

I could see that you cheat on your partner to avoid being the first one hurt. To sort of be tougher and such. Or maybe so that if he ever left you there could be a "see I deserved it" bit and maybe put a solid reasoning to it than it just being you. I know my parents left me feeling like a unworthy undeserving person.

Awareness is huge. And then goals and steps to get away from potential behaviors. Its not enough to not want to do the behaviors any more. We often need to replace them with better habits. Less destructive things.

Mistakes make us human, not bad. It sounds like your partner cares very much for you and is very forgiving. It also sounds like he would be very supportive in helping you overcome these things. And forgive yourself.

Coconuts

Chessgirl
Member
Posts: 26
Joined: Thu Nov 05, 2020 7:45 pm

Re: Right and wrong

Post by Chessgirl » Sat Nov 07, 2020 5:13 pm

Thank you for your encouraging words Coconuts. Putting a plan to action, rather than just wanting change, is something I need to be more proactive about. :)

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