Group Abuse

[juliewr]

I never talked about this after it happened nearly 20 years ago until last week. I hadn’t blocked it out, per se, but I chose not to remember it. Now, it has come flooding back and I need to share somewhere. It feels like I’m about to burst!

I was abused, physically with brutal spankings by my parents, friends parents and others from our church. Many of those spankings, including ones from my parents, sometimes included fingers being stuck in my butt. These spankings began when I was little and didn’t end until I left home at age 18.

At church we were often divided by gender and age, so myself and 3 other girls were extremely close. We were the same age and grade. We spent nights at each other’s houses all the time and each other’s parents spanked us all of the time.

Ok, so with that background set something happened when we were all 17 and about to enter our senior year of high school. It was a tradition for the pastor and his wife to take the girls going into their senior year away for a weekend retreat. Nobody ever talked about it when they came back. It was just a secret special thing.

I’ve lost touch with the other three girls as an adult. I mean, we’re connected in Facebook and stuff, but we don’t live close anymore and rarely talk. Last week one of the girls was back in town for a wedding and asked to meet for lunch. We did and it was great to catch up, but she was hurting being back in town and seeing me. She talked about all the spankings from our parents and each other’s and the sexual stuff and how she still has nightmares and even has wet the bed as an adult. She was humiliated to explain to her husband why. I know the feeling as I too still have nightmares and have wet the bed as an adult. Anyway, she brought up the weekend retreat and how that really scarred her. It made me think of that weekend for the first time in a really long time.

So we went with them to this luxury cabin in the woods. Huge rooms, a hot tub and everything. When we first arrived it was so fun and we were allowed to get in the hot tub while they made dinner. Everything seemed great, until dinner. At the dinner table we were told that we’d spend the weekend being spanked for all of the things we’ve done over the years that nobody caught us doing and spanked us for.

To make a long story short all weekend the pastor and his wife took turns spanking us together. Hand, wooden spoons, paddles and a ton of belt. Humiliating positions where we were made to look at each other’s privates. We had our buttholes beaten with the belt and wooden spoon. They stuck their fingers in our butts, they made us use the hot tub naked, they watched us shower and use the bathroom. All of those things were bad, but they (sadly) weren’t things we didn’t all get at home; we just didn’t always see each other get it.

What happened that was awful and haunts her and haunts me now too was what they made us do to each other the last night. Before our final group spanking, which literally tore the skin off of our butts from the belt, they made each of us bend over with our hands on the ground and each of the other girls spend 30 seconds each licking the butthole of the one bent over. I remember that I went last, so I had already been forced to lick my three best friends butthole and knew they were going to have to lick mine. It was the most humiliating experience of my life.

We never talked about it. We spent our senior year still in all the church stuff together and doing sleepovers. At some point that year I got spanked by all their parents and them mine and we saw each other naked and bent over. But something was different after that incident and we basically all parted ways the next summer when high school ended.

I know we were forced and this sounds weird, but it is hard to look somebody in the eye who you’ve done that with, outside of maybe a spouse (my husband and I have done that, but it’s different). I hadn’t thought about that in years, but the last week or so I have struggled and felt gross and I am just all messed up in my feelings and feel like a freak.

Nobody would believe me outside of this group if I told them.

[NeaNea]

I am so sorry Juliewr. I know how it is to be physically beaten with belts and things and have things forced sexually. I don’t know how it is to be forced to do something sexually to somebody who doesn’t want it. I am so sorry.

Why do you think she has suffered more than you from that incident?

You have shared before about how what happened to you has effected you as an adult and even how it has effected your two sisters. How has it effected those three friends?

[coconuts]

What happened to all of you was terrible and it's hard to deal with reminders of the terrible things.

I can understand how it might be hard to look them in the eyes. I was forced to do things with other children. Perhaps some of it comes from the shared secret and the feelings of shame that come from abuse. Shame we hold but that really belongs to our abusers. In one way she knows your secrets and you know hers. But really those secrets and all that shame it all belongs to those who hurt you.

You share an uncomfortable experience. One that probably still holds lots of negative emotions. It could be an opportunity to help one another heal or a realization that you aren't the only one hurt from the situation. Or just realizing that there is still work to do in understanding how much this hurt you and affected you.

If unhelpful disregard. My thoughts are a bit scattered but I wanted to try and be sympathetic. Not sure if I managed that

[juliewr]

Coconuts - your comments are helpful. There is some deep shared shame and it can be hard to know that people know you in that way. It is hard for me knowing my parents abused her, even though hers also abused me, I still feel some element of responsibility. Though it has been almost 20 years, we still saw each other in extremely sexual positions with sexual and physical abuse happening to us in front of each other. It can be hard to see each other as adults removed from that.

[juliewr]

NeaNea - I wouldn’t say that her reaction was worse, just that it was more present on her mind that it was on mine. Once we sort of brought it up, we were both struggling pretty hard.

So, that’s a good question because people react differently and I know that first hand! I have two sisters, one 3 years younger and one 6 years younger. We all had the same abuse from our parents, friends parents, etc. The only difference is that, as far as I know, neither of my sisters were anal raped like I was.

My sister who is 3 years younger is a mess. She is just like my parents. She had a baby from a one night stand when she was 19 and my parents brutally beat her for that. She raised my niece since then, she is now 13, with the same harsh spankings we got growing up. She even had a CPS incident and lost her for 90 days because a school nurse notified them of bruises. She did the required class and stuff and got her back. She still whips her bare butt with a belt weekly at least. She does cyber school now. She now has an 8 year old step daughter who she whips and her new husband also belts them both.

My sister who is 6 years younger is married with no kids. She also has no contact with my parents. She hates the idea of spanking and she has gone to a lot of therapy to deal with the things that happened to us. She and I have spent a lot of nights crying together about our abuse.

Of those three friends they have all had some different responses as an adult. The one who came this weekend has two kids and loves her husband. She has personal emotional issues and even adult bed wetting during nightmares. One of them left home at 18 and was extremely sexually promiscuous and got into drugs heavily - all to numb the pain. When she turned 30 she got pregnant and settled down, eventually meeting a man who is now lovingly caring for her and her daughter. She is also in intense therapy. The third girl, sadly, follows in the footsteps we were raised in. She had 2 girls and she and her husband are very involved in fundamentalism and spanks her girls often.

It is interesting that some of us leave it behind and others follow the same path.