falling apart

[Diver]

I never had much of a chance to get it together but I thought for a moment I had my feet on the ground. Then it went right back to feeling like I am drowning.
It feels like I'm drowning and no one cares. No one can see me or hear me, or worse, to them it looks like I'm just a toddler throwing a tantrum in a puddle. But I can barely keep my head above water.
I feel like I'm dying and at the same time wish for death.

So much has gone on for me in the last 10 years, the only ten years away from my abuser. All I did was meet another one, and move in with him, have his child, marry him, buy a house together with my life savings, not work most of the time because i was a stay at home mom.
The house we bought was isolated, he made me lose friends, did a good job at isolating me, then moved me an hour away from the area I knew, and my hometown, and the only family member that i speak to at all.
Then....
Sex stopped. I cheated. He found out. I told him. We tried briefly to work through it. I ended up in the hospital. It was bad. He threatened divorce and threatened to kick me out and take my child, and that made me want to die at the time. I was unable to see the reality of the situation. So he did just that, he went and got an ex-parte and had the sheriff show up at my door to throw me out of my own house - the first home i bought, with my entire life savings. He kept my son away from me for a month. Kept my belongings for months. Even my sewing machine and things I could use to make a little money. He made my life hell. He permanently damaged a part of our son, this little boy will never feel safe. I worry so much for him.

Then weeks after my divorce I ran into a friend, we hooked up. He insisted on a relationship even though I was going through a divorce and having such a hard time. He took me in and let me stay there. At one point I think I had 4 jobs, trying to figure things out. I ended up renting my own place soon after so i could have my son again. I was NOT OK. I was doing terrible things and suffering so much. I was not handling the divorce and fallout well at all. I was going really crazy. I ended up inpatient psych again during that time. The third day, they asked me to come into the doctor's office, told me I was pregnant and discharged me. It didn't matter what I was feeling, they d/c all my meds and sent me out.
At the time, I was having a very hard time with my gender, and told the man i was with about these feelings. He was already losing his patience because I was going crazy. Acting crazy. He yelled at me a lot but i was acting badly, standing him up and such. being a total fuckup.
but he always wanted a baby and had never gotten lucky enough to get anyone pregnant. So he decided to come back and try again, I feel like that's a lie and he only came back for the baby. Everyone who knew him knew how badly he wanted a baby. He'd even asked his lesbian friend to be a surrogate at one point. I feel used. Tricked. Hurt.
He moved in with me after we found out I was pregnant, didnt pay rent, but paid the utilities. He didnt go with me to any of my OB appointments, even though he worked a job where he was available to. He only went to the ultrasound but complained bc it was in the morning. He attended the delivery of course, but had to step out often for smokes and was more interested in his phone than helping me through labor. It was more like he was just waiting at a restaurant for his meal to be served than with someone he loved having his first child.
He stayed for 6 months after the baby was born. Then he moved out and took my baby with him, saying I was crazy.

At this point, it's me. I know it's me. There is something wrong with me. I wish I never had children. I have nothing to offer them. I can't make friends because I'm unlikable as fuck. no one can stand me. I can't do anything right. I deserve nothing good, so nothing good ever happens.
I can't do anything right for my kids, I'm crazy.
I won't take meds. I made a list and I have been on 33 different medications throughout my life, since age 7. I am not taking any more bullshit meds that no one really knows how they work but keep taking it even if you dont think it works, until you can't ever stop taking it because you get horrible withdrawals from it like head zaps that still happen months later, thanks paxil.
I am not taking this poison anymore! I want something different. I want help. I want someone to listen.

I found a good therapist, that's about all i have going for me right now. A decent doctor, but everyone he refers me to is shit. And my psychiatrist retired, which is why the issue with meds. I'm just done.

I want to self harm very bad. ive struggled with it so much more lately. i went 2 years without doing it then it came back and i cant stop. and i just want to do it worse and worse because i hate myself and i deserve it. i deserve everything bad.
im not ok. im really not ok. i hope my therapist calls me tomorrow. i hope i can get through the rest of today.
i wish i wasn't so out of it. i wish someone was here with me.
it's just my son and im afraid to be around him, im toxic.

crying

I can't type anymore right now but i have more to say. im losing it. today was a massive failure AGAIN. all i am capable of.

[glacial]

Driver,

I am so sorry for the horrible things you are experiencing right now. You are worthy of better. Worthy of being treated well. Thinking comforting thoughts for you.

[coconuts]

I agree with glacial. You are worthy of healing. It's hard work but throwing meds at it won't help on its own. You need to process the thought patterns that the abuse and these relationships have caused. You need to change them and believe in yourself. Believe you are worth it.
Strengthening energy your way. You can do this. Here Listening.

[there]

Diver,
Sending gentle support to you. You are worth healing and you have inherent human worth, as does every person. Nothing can take that away.
I believe what happens is that abuse clouds over or obscures our recognition of that. and you have a lot that's right with you.

Sometimes when we've had so much hardship, we come to expect it, and hard on ourselves too. It takes Time and some work to give ourselves a chance at knowing a better way to live.

Already three people here like you, Diver. It does make a big difference of somebody listens.

You have felt your feet strong under you before and I believe you can again.

[reisha]

Diver,
Cant say it better'n whats been said

Addin my care & support

[Diver]

still not doing well.
i wish someone could help.

[Diver]

i feel like an inconvenience to everyone.
unwanted
a bother
a burden

[Diver]

i need to make this stop. can anyone help me make it stop?

[reisha]

Diver, i cant make it stop for ya, but i can offer support, & calming, self care suggestions

B R E A T H E!!!!!!!

Again! (& again, & again, &...)

Can ya ground yerself, get yer feet on the floor, or better yet, on sum soil, earth?
Can ya look round ya, name what ya see, hear, smell, physically feel?

Sittin w ya & sendin tons of support.

I wanted to say how glad i was to 'see' ya again, ive missed ya. & so very sorry to read of all the sorrow.
I do see ya, {diver!}, & i care bout ya, what happens in yer life.
I notice ya say really mean things bout yerself, & it hurts my heart.
I do the samn damn thing, my friend - so easy to see in others, so impossible to stop for self.

~~~***♡♡♡{{{DIVER!!!}}}♡♡♡***~~~

[glacial]

Driver,

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. You're no bother here. I can't make it stop, but I can say, when I get that way, I remind myself that's an internal voice of my own doing the real damage there, even if it's being echoed by some unsympathetic person on the outside. I assume the people who have caused us pain don't get bogged down with these feelings. People I'd think of a just a regular person, I don't think get bogged down like this...

We're not perfect, but that's cliché and doesn't get us to admit the truth. It's ok to be flawed. Everyone is in some respect. Perfection is impossible. And even if others are doing things in a way that I wouldn't live my life, I look to that and see they have the ability to just be without stepping all over themselves. I don't always know how to do it, but I just keep trying on the shoes. One day they'll fit.

You're here. You're trying. It takes a brave person to be doing that.