On talking and interacting with others
Posted: Tue May 14, 2019 9:16 pm
Just a few thoughts that seem to be burbling around my head! If you have any thoughts or reflections you'd like to share upon reading this, please do feel free. :)
I find it a bit difficult to reach out and communicate with people, particularly ones I'm not already quite sure about. (Which is kind of funny as once I am comfortable with someone, they'll possibly end up hearing every last observation that passes through my mind and be subjected to a stream of near incessant chatter. :lol:) This difficulty presents itself in various situations from interacting with a stranger because I wish to post (mail) a letter or order some tea at a café, to negotiating whether I'm in someone's way in the lift (elevator!) or on the street. Then there is contacting people I know, by text or web message or phone. I'll hesitate, not sure if it's a good time for them (how could I know?), if I'll say the "right" things, and I worry I'll somehow unexpectedly find myself in a situation I don't know how to deal with. (I'm yet to not manage to do something in any given tricky situation.)
There are a lot of threads on this forum I'll read, and then I can't quite pull all the ideas together I might want to write down in reply. Just one sentence seems too small, but also too great a leap. Someone here referred to having a "treacle" brain or similar the other day, it seems apt. My mind is hastily engaging in panic, and/or flight mode, and gathering thoughts is anathema to it. There's fear about the possible reaction to my words, as if it might somehow be strongly negative and angry, directed at me and also my fault.
I know this isn't the case. I know that isn't true, but for a long time it happened and it's still a pattern in my mind. I also once learnt that the world was dangerous - I knew dangerous people, who told me that everyone else was more dangerous than them. So I shied away from talking to most people, and grew fearful of it when I must. I was isolated too, so had limited opportunities to have positive, friendly interactions that countered my other experiences.
It's trying to keep me safe, this fear of others and reaching out and speaking. But it also brings with it, dragging like so many little anchors trailing in my wake, a fear that what I say is not good enough. That my words are of no interest, or may offend, or be "too much" solely in their exuberance. Sometimes I realise I've taken to trying to find common ground with someone, being in more agreement with them than I might actually feel, to ensure some sense of safety. Then my interactions feel hollow, and I worry they'll see it too.
There are various fronts I used to hide behind, hastily learnt defenses. From when I had to cope in unknown places with unknown people, with limited resources, while desperately trying to appear perfectly "normal". (It would be worse, somehow, if they noticed.) As if nothing was wrong, and no such whirlwind of anxious doubt was hidden on the inside. I'm not sure how well these fronts worked, mind you! They seemed appropriate at the time. And they still turn up from time to time, until slowly I feel safer and adapt to what is there, rather than what is feared to be there.
One of the new things I'm trying to embrace at the moment is being more social, reaching out and trying some new activities. It's picked up a bit from what it once was but doing significantly more feels like it's a little way off yet. Sometimes I notice I've leapt so far ahead - random conversations with strangers! Difficult-to-make phone calls that go just fine! And at other times, all the old fears are happily crowding my head, making themselves comfortable in their old and familiar positions.
I know it's changing, because I'm making it so and can observe the differences. I know it'll still take more time, and that there can be so many things which feed into one fearful state. It just seems like a complicated tangle that descends sometimes, when I don't really quite believe I'll ever trust more than a very few people. It's definitely more enjoyable to do so though, and I try to remind myself of that when the walls press in.
Thanks for reading along, if you have. I'm not quite sure where this went in the end, but it seemed to be a bunch of things it was good to get out. If you have some similar experiences or things you do to help you along, I'd love to hear. :) Thank you!
I find it a bit difficult to reach out and communicate with people, particularly ones I'm not already quite sure about. (Which is kind of funny as once I am comfortable with someone, they'll possibly end up hearing every last observation that passes through my mind and be subjected to a stream of near incessant chatter. :lol:) This difficulty presents itself in various situations from interacting with a stranger because I wish to post (mail) a letter or order some tea at a café, to negotiating whether I'm in someone's way in the lift (elevator!) or on the street. Then there is contacting people I know, by text or web message or phone. I'll hesitate, not sure if it's a good time for them (how could I know?), if I'll say the "right" things, and I worry I'll somehow unexpectedly find myself in a situation I don't know how to deal with. (I'm yet to not manage to do something in any given tricky situation.)
There are a lot of threads on this forum I'll read, and then I can't quite pull all the ideas together I might want to write down in reply. Just one sentence seems too small, but also too great a leap. Someone here referred to having a "treacle" brain or similar the other day, it seems apt. My mind is hastily engaging in panic, and/or flight mode, and gathering thoughts is anathema to it. There's fear about the possible reaction to my words, as if it might somehow be strongly negative and angry, directed at me and also my fault.
I know this isn't the case. I know that isn't true, but for a long time it happened and it's still a pattern in my mind. I also once learnt that the world was dangerous - I knew dangerous people, who told me that everyone else was more dangerous than them. So I shied away from talking to most people, and grew fearful of it when I must. I was isolated too, so had limited opportunities to have positive, friendly interactions that countered my other experiences.
It's trying to keep me safe, this fear of others and reaching out and speaking. But it also brings with it, dragging like so many little anchors trailing in my wake, a fear that what I say is not good enough. That my words are of no interest, or may offend, or be "too much" solely in their exuberance. Sometimes I realise I've taken to trying to find common ground with someone, being in more agreement with them than I might actually feel, to ensure some sense of safety. Then my interactions feel hollow, and I worry they'll see it too.
There are various fronts I used to hide behind, hastily learnt defenses. From when I had to cope in unknown places with unknown people, with limited resources, while desperately trying to appear perfectly "normal". (It would be worse, somehow, if they noticed.) As if nothing was wrong, and no such whirlwind of anxious doubt was hidden on the inside. I'm not sure how well these fronts worked, mind you! They seemed appropriate at the time. And they still turn up from time to time, until slowly I feel safer and adapt to what is there, rather than what is feared to be there.
One of the new things I'm trying to embrace at the moment is being more social, reaching out and trying some new activities. It's picked up a bit from what it once was but doing significantly more feels like it's a little way off yet. Sometimes I notice I've leapt so far ahead - random conversations with strangers! Difficult-to-make phone calls that go just fine! And at other times, all the old fears are happily crowding my head, making themselves comfortable in their old and familiar positions.
I know it's changing, because I'm making it so and can observe the differences. I know it'll still take more time, and that there can be so many things which feed into one fearful state. It just seems like a complicated tangle that descends sometimes, when I don't really quite believe I'll ever trust more than a very few people. It's definitely more enjoyable to do so though, and I try to remind myself of that when the walls press in.
Thanks for reading along, if you have. I'm not quite sure where this went in the end, but it seemed to be a bunch of things it was good to get out. If you have some similar experiences or things you do to help you along, I'd love to hear. :) Thank you!