isurvive.org

Hello,

I am new here. Thanks for allowing me to join. I was hoping I could gain some clarity on possible memories of abuse. I'm m tired of being socially anxious and having low self-esteem, and I knew where some of it stemmed from, bit not all of it, so I put it out into the universe that I want too be aware of all the things that have held me back so that I can heal from them.
(Trigger warning)
Then I suddenly acknowledged a memory of my father fondling my chest when I was 4 or 5. I was sitting on his lap and he massages my back and then moved up and over until on my nipples. I am experiencing a range of emotions from this memory, and have even wordered if I'm misinterpreting what happened. At the time I remember thinking that he shouldn't have been touching me there, but that it couldn't be bad because he was a trusted adult and that adults sometimes do things you don't understand.

Looking back, there were a number of times where he "accidentally" touched my chest when I was older, and I think even did it to my step sister once, but she wasn't shy about it, she was like, "oh my God! You just accidentally touched my boob!" He did this weird thing where he would say "I'm proud of you," then proceed to pat my back really hard then move up to my shoulders and then pat collar bones and eventually and then a little bit of chest. I'm trying to put the puzzle peices together. I remember my sister once told my mom he touched her under her bra and she was taken to a psychiatrist once, but nothing ever came of it afterward. My sister now adores my father.

I'm not sure how to put this all together. I want a clear answer. Could it have been accidental? I have been trying to remember if anything more happened, but I can't pull anything up. Has anyone had success with uncovering past memories, maybe through hypnosis or something?

Savasana,
Welcome. This is a brave post.
You said you felt when you were four or five like 'he shouldn't have been touching you there'.
You used the word 'fondling'.
You mention later instances, including your sister's telling your mother about it. You don't seem to think they were simply accidents.
Those all sound like violations to me. They form a pattern of abuse, and not just lapses in responsible parenting.

It sounds like you know this, and feel it's be connected to social anxiety and low self-esteem.

You can heal from it. Telling your story like you have here is self-care.

There,

Thank you, I really appreciate your support. It's nice to have others to bounce ideas off of and gain perspective.

Savasana,

Welcome. I've found that memories tend to come when they are ready and not a minute sooner. It's frustrating for sure, but trying to rush remembering can lead to much bigger problems. I do agree with there, though, that it sounds like you already know the answers to some of your questions. It's hard to accept the answers sometimes. I also agree that you can heal from this. Here, listening and caring.