isurvive.org

This is my first post. I don't even know where to begin... My entire life I've been angry, or stressed or both. I've been physical at any opportunity. I became a Corrections Officer at 39, because I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone, and rarely felt physical pain. (I'm finding out now that's not good). I am now 52, and the memories have just started flooding me.

Up until now, I've only remembered one "spanking" and felt I deserved it. It left horrific bruises, but my whole life I felt I deserved it. Now I'm finding out that is wasn't just once... I have repressed everything... I dissociated the first 10 years of my life. I remembered the horrific domestic violence in the house, but not on me. I was special. Not. At the end of last year, I started really having issues with certain things... the doctors diagnosed me with solid PTSD, but we didn't know where it came from. I originally started going to a Therapist, because I disattached from everyone, even my children. I just couldn't DO LIFE.

Fast forward to now... the memories are coming faster than I can deal with them. I wish I had never gone to the Therapist and opened up this Pandoras box of hell. I can't even LOOK at my mother, I can't stand her to touch me, hug me... She did nothing to protect me, nothing. I was subjected to violently sexual movies, and beaten almost daily, I can remember as far back as 2 or 3 years old. I now suspect that there was enormous amounts of violent sexual abuse also, but God has spared me those memories so far. I hate my mother, and yet I feel so guilty because I hate her. It makes no sense. She could die tomorrow, and I would feel nothing. I haven't truly felt anything for months now. I stay on what I call autopilot... disassociated is what my T calls it. That's how I survive. Horns, surprises, sudden noises, someone punching something. I can't deal so I just shut off. How am I ever going to be normal when my whole life is a lie. Even my memories are lies, I can't even trust my own memories to be true!

Sexual violence arouses me, that scares the hell out of me. What does that mean? I know what it means, I just still have it blocked. It can stay blocked, because I can't deal with the physical abuse yet, how the hell am I going to deal with THAT?? I don't know what to do to stop this spiral out of control. I want to shut down, but now I can't even do that anymore. I can't live like this. I have pulled away from my husband of 34 years. I don't know what else to do. I am ashamed and embarrassed around him, and I don't even know why! How do you stop this, and get control?

I haven't told my T everything yet, I'm humiliated and I feel stupid. I saw sex in person as long as I can remember. My T says he was desensitizing me to it for later. I don't remember later, (grooming) and it's driving me crazy. I have huge blocks of time missing. I don't remember anything. When will this slow down? I feel like I'm going crazy, and I'm almost looking forward to it. At least I will have an excuse for acting crazy.

Noone knows, but my husband and my sister. My sister is a fucking Therapist. She knew before I did. She's my half sister and much, much younger. She's the one who got me to go to a T. Now i'm embarrassed because she knew and I didn't. I'm falling apart, and I can't stop it. My gut stays sick. I hide in my room. Or... the alternative is I turn into a Zombie, and don't feel or see anything at all. There's no in between. Is this normal? Am I sick? When sexual violence arouses you, that's really bad right? The not knowing is slowly killing me. I just can't deal right now. I'm changing the thing to red, just in case. I sure don't want to send someone into a trigger, that's no fun at all.

Recovering memories is so hard. I always say my bunker blew and there is no putting it back. It's so frustrating. For the first year after my bunker blew I was a mess of denial and I told no one. I felt so ashamed and lost. The second year I told but it ended up being a year from hell. This last year has been so much better. I don't feel lost and hopeless. And I feel like even as I process through really hard thoughts and change ingrained thought patterns and behaviors I am able to cope better. Because I now know that I can find a way to take power away from the memories. Granted I am still haunted with terrible nightmares but I feel less entrenched in them. Its really hard though too and I feel incredibly lonely.

As for being turned on by sexual violence. That's not so unusual here. Many of us are bothered by arousal we experience around abuse memories. I'm not sure what it means for you. But it does sound like you had the markers for sexual abuse and the environment.

It's okay to fall apart. It's okay to get help from the people around you who care. It's okay it really is. This is hard stuff. Ptsd bends us and stretches us and is so so uncomfortable.

Sitting with you in this. Please know we are here when you need to let go of things

Sorry things are hard for you right now but you are doing the right thing in dealing with them. My memories started coming back when I was 18 (I’m 45 now) but no one helped me deal with them and I was in courage to just move on with my life and not focus on them. So I push them back down and got on. Yes I knew I had been SA but I didn’t really deal with the memories and feelings and for the last 27yrs it has been an on going battle between me and the memories. Now though when they come back I try and deal but the emotions are so strong that I end up SH to cope and then end up giving up and pushing them away again so can cope with everyday life. But I’m not coping I’m just waiting for the next spiral to start.

The point of this is to say please please work on them don’t fight them and get all the help you can. I know it’s hard but pushing away is not going to make it easier it will just be there in the background all the time. Now the box is open the lid is never able to truly go back on and you can’t unremember.

Take care.

Hi SallySunshine

A warm welcome to isurvive - glad you found us... and welcome to the 'denial' club

Sounds like you have much going on right now but, believe it or not, things will eventually settle into being more manageable. What you describe around the flooding of memories is very common with members here and, when we are in survival mode, it can be nigh on impossible to maintain our 'coping' facade.

Where your husband is concerned, and that's a LOT of years married, I would suggest talking, or writing, to him so that he has a good understanding of what's going on with you. You don't need to share every last detail, but a general picture will reap rewards in the long run (and I speak from experience here). Perhaps you could build up to joint sessions with your therapist?

Not sure what age your kids are, but getting out for a walk each day is good for settling anxiety - concentrate on the ground below your feet and get some music in your ears. Do some baking, take up knitting, clean the kitchen cupboards; anything to keep you busy.

Glad your sister is looking out for you and kudos on getting to a T for help. As coconuts said, you don't need to do this by yourself and we all need some help from time to time. In the meantime, ridiculous as it sounds, remember to breathe.

Hi SallySunshine, welcome to isurvive.
Dealing with what we went through and facing those memories is one of the hardest things we'll ever do.
I was certainly in denial myself for quite some time. I didn't want to have that label as someone who was 'abused in childhood'. I told myself that the frequent spankings my auntie gave me were 'normal' and thought it was Gods will for me to be punished for my sins.
So I just didn't look. I tried to put it away somewhere but eventually I couldn't go on with having those emotions dictating my life.
There more I have thought about things, the more pieces of the jigsaw have come together and I am beginning to realise that there were probably a lot of things that went on that shouldn't have.
I know how hard it is facing up to things but I'm glad you are reaching out for the support you need.
You are not alone and you sound as if you have a good deal of strength still in you.
Sending good thoughts and adding you to my prayers if ok.

Thank you everyone who posted. It has taken me 2 weeks to post since becoming a member. My children are 20, 30 and 31. To them, Mom has always been the strong one. I think I pulled away from them, so I didn't fall off of my pedestal (all a lie anyway)... I can't bear for someone to look at me with pity in their eyes, so I say nothing.

I wish I had never "popped the cork" as my T would say. He says once you pop the cork, you can't put it back in. I have only been in therapy since November. Is been a wild rollercoaster that I could do without. I know I have to work through it, but the thought of YEARS of dealing with this shit is unacceptable to me. (There's that denial again.)

I just wish I could get the whole shabang under some type of control. I was just sitting here at work yesterday, and started fucking crying. I NEVER cry, ever. I'm AT WORK! Seriously???!! WTH? Crying about what? I have no freaking clue...

This is just too much to absorb this fast. Sorry I'm so longwinded, but I just have so much to unload.

It is a lot to take in and process. Especially if its something you've held onto for years.
Just take things slowly, one step at a time and be easy on yourself.
You are strong enough to get through this.
Someone is always here to listen.

***triggers***

I can't seem to slow the pace of everything down. Is this normal? To go from fairly normal one day, to this? I never even knew I was PA until a couple of months ago, it came out in Therapy. Now I suspect there's more, probably SA also. I have been having triggers, but I can't figure out what they are from yet.

I feel like I'm missing the most important piece of the puzzle. Is this normal? I'm so confused and frustrated... and very scared of what I'm blocking. I just want to remember it and be done with it. The waiting is driving me crazy.

I have been having zero dreams since I started therapy. No flashbacks, but lots of triggers. What order does this normally go in? Is there any rhyme or reason? I have so many questions my head hurts. My head hurts all the time. I've had headaches since I was a small child. I'm so confused right now.

My sexual arousal is also high right now, and that freaks me out... as I've done nothing to peak it up like this. I'm so lost right now. I just want everything to go back the way it was. Before I went to therapy. Disattaching was better than this. I felt nothing.

There is no rhyme or reason or proper path or order to this. Which is hard. As survivors we usually overcome by taking control where we can. Many of us are over achievers. Many of us seem like rock solid . Sometimes I feel so fake. Like I walk around looking fine but under the surface is a wild hurricane knocking out everything that used to be reliable.

At first I was in complete denial. Then I accepted it and thought okay let's take care of this and move on with my life. Then there was a point where I realized that was partial denial too. It was minimizing to myself what I went thru. It was devaluing myself because I should just accept it, get over it and move on. Once I took a step back and let it be and allowed the journey to take the pace it wants things have gotten better. It's like going down a river with no paddles. Sometimes I'm racing over rapids and dealing with all sorts of junk. Other times I'm just slowly floating down stream taking my sweet time. It's madenning. For me, So much of this journey has been about letting go of expectations.

Omg Coconuts, you just described me. Thank you! Just deal and move on, appear strong but feel like a hypocrite so often because I'm really not. That's how I handle everything... deal, fix it and move on. I'm the rock solid person in my family, and it's such a joke.

I am much better today. I have actually slept the last 2 nights and have stopped trying to focus so hard when I wake of whether or not I had any dreams. T says I should be dreaming, and to write them down. I'm not, so it's frustrating.

I have emotional flashbacks and somatic ones. That too is frustrating because it's not telling me anything. I'm scared I will never remember.

This too shall pass I guess... another saying I have, but I'm thinking it won't hold true in this situation.

Thank you everyone for responding. It definitely helps to know SOMEONE understands, even if I don't.