There: 2019

[there]

Answering my own last post, maybe I don’t have to make that my fault, like nobody here likes me.
I’m so used to things being hard or terrible, I’m feeling lost when there’s a clearing.

Like I want to cry, but I don’t feel sad enough. In the past, I’d be giving up or feeling defeated or not good enough.
I keep going into chat, and nobody’s there.

There’s a woman I know who wants to be a friend, and said, ‘don’t be a stranger, stop by sometime.’
I know she works in city Hall, nearby, but I don’t know what office or her last name.
Ok, if I’m walking Tula around noon, I’m more likely to see D. Ok, I’ll hold onto some hope with this one.

[coconuts]

Aw man. Sorry to leave you hanging. It's been a tough week. Somehow I thought I replied to your post yesterday. I read it.. hmmm. Maybe I was just too tired.

Glad you are starting to feel better. Me as well. I'm mostly over it

So what are you thinking regarding the voc counseling?

Yay for cleaning and clearing, but yes hard work and a bit sad sometimes too.

Sorry you are feeling lonely. Now that I am back to work full time I have no time during the weeks. Just learning to stop breathe and self care seems a constant need. I noticed this week I had been standoffish to a friend. We aren't close but the last two contacts I had with her were rushed and distracted and I felt like I might be coming off rudely. So I texted her. Glad I was because I was down on myself and she cheered me. It's a testing week here at school and those can drain a teacher. I think it's sitting in a room all day with all those stressed little kids. Too much stressful energy. Need to learn to release it easier and earlier.

You should reach out to said, prospective friend.

[there]

Thanks, coconuts, for your post. It helps.
Legs up the wall at this early hour.

Testing week does sound stressful. I know it is one of the tougher aspects of teaching in public schools. I had 1 gig teaching at an elementary school in an after school program that the PTO funded. I taught drama to several willing students.
Good to read that you were cheered by texting your friend.

Please don’t take offense, but I was taught to not ‘should myself’ when I was at the Mind Body Clinic. I know you were trying to encourage me.
I am thinking of this person, D, though. I’d like to be a little closer to her.

Progress in any career area is bringing up a lot of stuff.Including the thought of just giving up. I was forced to give up so much by abusive people, starting with family.

I have resistance, and anger and resentment. Why wasn’t I allowed to take care of myself by earning a living ALL my freaking adult life? Oh, yeah, abuse.
Have to serve time for crimes committed against me. I don’t know anybody who has paid this price.

Minimize the damage.

So angry at sister. Probably can never really resolve it, either. F her.

I’m doing this to myself. Making myself cry.

[dancingfish]

Hey, there. Sitting with you, if you like! Am listening to the rustling of apple tree leaves, sipping green tea, and wondering how your trip and school reunion will go tomorrow. :) Should be quite exciting!

It's hard when people haven't been kind, or simply who we would like them to be. Especially when we can think of it as affecting us over a long time. I try then to realise though - I don't know how else life might have gone. Better? Worse? At least just a little better, without the abuse, and with more love. But perhaps taunting ourselves with an ideal vision of what might have been isn't that fair to ourselves. It also ignores all the great triumphs we have achieved for ourselves despite everything. :) It's more useful (for me) to think about where we'd like to get to, than where we haven't been - through no fault of our own. I don't mean to take away from grieving, but I guess I've noticed I need to try and not let this kind of thinking consume me either. Just some thoughts, please disregard if not helpful for you.

Hoping things grow easier for you, and indeed coconuts too. :) Will be pocket riding with you tomorrow too, if you'd like! With the best of care and good wishes to your wonderful, brave, and loving self!

[coconuts]

Transitioning and changing your life is difficult. It's scary in its own way and once you get over the fear it's hard. When our life has been set on one path and we've been handed blinders by our circumstances to see what we've missed and realize what we could have been it's overwhelming.

I know our circumstances are very different, yet there is similarities in this. I see two people who were forced into a way of living and lived that life for a long time.

My family never built me up to be anything. I was trained my only role on growing up was to be a mother and to be anything else was an abomination. That working would mean I didn't love my children and I would be leaving them to be raised by wolves. So I married young, right out of high school, to the first guy that seemed like thats what he wanted and felt safe. He at least didn't hit me. Then like a good girl birthed my babies and became a mom. I had all 8 of my children in the span of 12 years. I really felt that was all I could be.

Changing my life and what I thought it could be has been a challenge. Fighting against limitations placed on me by other and by myself. I know it's very different from your situation but just comparing to my journey in changing my entire life around. Me now versus 5 years ago. Very very different

[Noname]

Progress in any career area is bringing up a lot of stuff.Including the thought of just giving up. I was forced to give up so much by abusive people, starting with family.

Oh boy, can I relate to that, there. My mother found ways to convince me I'd never be good at anything. Any time I talked about possible careers when I was young she'd list 101 reasons I'd be horrible at whatever I expressed interest in. As a result I never tried to do anything that I actually wanted to do. Not trying to make this about me, just saying I understand how you're feeling. For what it's worth I believe in you. I think you can do great things, and somewhere deep down you might know that too. Cheering you on, there.

[there]

Oh, wow, thank you all so much, dancing, , Noname,
df, what you said was thoughtful and got me considering it. I don’t think I have an ideal image of what might have been, more just knowing my life, like you say, would have been at least some better without abuse. Periodically, the frustration and grief at injustice return. Probably now because of wanting and being more able to make some choices about working more. But thank you for saying what you find helpful. I’ve been doing that, taking it from accepting the present. Probably was coming up because I knew I’d be with people I hadn’t seen in so long and whose lives ...well, you know where I’m going.
‘Wonderful, brave, and loving’- thank you and that means a lot to me.

coconuts, I understand the training or programming, whatever you’d call it, that we got before we had any choices. And now with the possibilities that choice brings, the challenge of making those choices and persisting with them. ‘I really felt that was all I could be.’ Yeah, that’s the grabber for me, too. Everybody’s different, but that was my belief, too, and it affected so much. Sigh. And I am joining you in fighting the limitations place by others or by ourselves, if ok. The blinders have been coming off again, and this time, it’s not the shock or deep hurt it was at first. I hope it’s part of my healing to be able to see both what hurt and limited me, and the fact that I can choose now without the blinders always on. And it gets scary at times, joyful at others.
Noname,
Never a problem with sharing about you. I don’t feel slighted that anybody wants to say as much as they feel about themselves. A guy I knew from HS was telling me at the reunion that his mother fought him at every decision he made about his own life, through adulthood even. My own mother would tell me dreams she had for me, then act on things that took away my ability to develop in ways that were already in progress. Only in recent years have I seen layer, under layer, what that did to my functioning. Trying now to see it as less personally against me, and more as coming from the schizophrenia that controlled her life.
I’m sad that you know how this feels, and that you didn’t get to do anything you actually wanted to do. I have been making a list of things- dreams or dream fragments come true, that I did get to do. I drew from that to talk about myself at the reunion.
Thanks so much for believing in me, and that I can do great things, cheering me on. I believe in you, too, and that you have great things to offer in life.

[Noname]

Hi there,

I'm learning more and more that everyone has baggage, and so many people project theirs onto others rather than facing it. When people mistreat us it says so much more about them than us. Obviously your mother's schizophrenia is more than "just a little baggage". But, you are right - it wasn't about you. That can be a really hard thing to wrap your head around. Especially for a child and when the mistreatment is coming from a person who's job is supposed to be shaping and molding them. There's so much rewiring we have to do. So many things we should have learned as we grew up but didn't have the opportunity. You really are doing great, there. Oh, BTW how did the reunion go? Did you have a good time?

[there]

Noname,
Thanks and so nice to see your post this evening Yup, so many things didn’t get a chance to develop because of her illness. And others got put in me that didn’t belong. Thanks for saying I’m really doing great. Truly helps to read.

I won’t attempt taking none of it personally. Probably not possible, at least for now. Maybe just add an awareness of the schizophrenia not being in her control. May never know where schizophrenia left off and my mother began in many instances.

There were many early childhood times she was a wonderful mother—-teaching me piano at 5, sewing me a pinafore with petal pockets, and in the YMCA pool with me holding her feet as she swam laps. Sigh. These were times that weren’t affected by the schizophrenia.

The reunion was truly great! I had such a good time. Seeing people I’d gone to school with as far back as primary. And talking with people I’d known somewhat in high school, some I’d never known. Dancing was just fun, not self-conscious at all. A guy I’d had a crush on my junioR year asked me to slow dance. He is divorced. He accepted my friend request on FB, and we briefly chatted, but he didn’t respond to my last message. I don’t think it will go anywhere. I’m fine either way.

From a great night, I really feel like I have a part of me restored. Have messaged so many people. It may not last, but it’s still nice. D, whom I’ve known since primary school, and who arranged the whole reunion, said that she’s home a lot and to stay in touch.Next week, P, a HS acquaintance who picked me up from train station, is coming up and we’re going to the beach for a walk with Tula.

Edited 1x by there for content.

[coconuts]

I like the steps you are taking to remember the positive moments and to remember that your mother had her own to deal with.

To erase the shame and blame you've unrightly owned for so long