There: 2019

[there]

Thanks, iwt,
It's good to see your post. Your support means a lot to me.
Thank you, Fleur, for soft silky blanket, gentle hugs. Really need some 3D hugs.

Ct, Thanks for sitting with me. The harsh inner feelings have passed.

eh, I really appreciate you posting here. Thank you. I'm pretty sure most survivors have internalized abuse. I know don't have Asperger's.
I'm hard on myself? Ya think? Must be a good sign, I'm laughing.

I've had to deal with a lot all alone for a long time. I really need to just feel loved. I need to feel hope.

And possibly most importantly, I need to feel I have a will of my own.

I don't have mega-tons of symptoms anymore. I've earned peace and a growing feeling of purpose.

Kind of in transition, push-pull, almost starting to like the uncertainty right now.

[Fleur]

Hello there

At Church we were asked to look at our hands and those of people nearby. No two hands exactly the same. Person said our eye pattern and lips and ears are unique. He wanted us to remember we are individually made in image of God who loves us each unconditionally - Who is grieved by the suffering we have in life, especially any deliberate hurts

He also reminded us that we are designed with free will to choose how we live but also acknowledged that sometimes that concept is squashed for a variety of reasons. We were encouraged this week to look at ourselves in the mirror and tell our reflection that "I am a prince/princess of God". This is a huge challenge for me who hates looking at mirrors

Sharing in case it is useful thought for you but - as always - please ignore if not helpful

Sigh - 3D appropriate hugs are in short supply around here. In a private home, in front of many adults, a ten year old girl gave some of those adults a brief hug - not including me, as I'm a relative stranger but she did smile and wave in my direction

You are loved and loveable just as you are right now. Really wonderful to know life is changing for the better, with fewer symptoms, for instance. You have worked extremely hard to win victories

May you enjoy a peaceful safe weekend


Caring hugs

[there]

Fleur,
Thanks for all your kind words. Thanks especially for saying that I’m Loved and lovable just as I am now.
You are, too.

[Fleur]

Sending a surprise care box via the satellite service .... Have fun exploring, there. Smile


Safe caring hugs

[there]

thanks, Fleur,

saving care box for the time being...

Kept Rehab Commission appt. Reapplying for vocational assistance. They throw a lot at you. Is ok.
Counselor I liked so much moved to a different office. Found that out last week. Will still phone her.

Feeling kind of screwed over the moment. Crying after I left the vocational rehab orientation. Still feel a occurring like crying.

That offer assistance for current employment. As well as assistance getting my act together with my own skills and abilities, I asked about current employment assistance. Kids are rough on me and it's triggering. Guy said they can help with that.

Maybe we'll open that box, fleur.

Oh, as soon as I open it a the golden light is beaming, softly radiating from the box..

Oh here's a tasty dog biscuit.

Oh, and an instant work buddy so I don't have to face everything alone, or with only my spiritual friends.

Heavy sigh.

You Have to be strong for potentially abusive student today. Go to be the adult when I don't feel like it, feel like the dominated child.

I'm the adult, I'm in charge not her. When do I really feel like that and not pushed around?

Thank you for reading.

[Fleur]

Hello there


Ok if I pocket ride, have your back whilst you're in class today?

It's at a library, right? Can staff be asked to keep a listening ear in case situation escalates? Please forgive if I overstepped line. Am praying you shall be kind firm and fair adult plus students behave well

How are you feeling about your appointment with person from vocation rehab? Sounds promising to have rediscovered person who you like


Caring hugs for you, pats for Tula

[there]

Fleur,
You didn't overstep the line.
At the library staff member who usually supports me was back from vacation. She made sure the kids knew that she was backing me up with what I said was unacceptable.

Want to say more positive about the class , about the focus activities I made, and the voc-rehab orientation but bedtime.

Thanks for reading.

[Fleur]

Hello there


Great to know you aren't totally solo adult with class

Your bedtime is mid afternoon here. Topsy turvy time zones

May you have sweet dreams

I'm already abed, ahead of sunset, aiming for long uninterrupted slumber


Goodnight my friend

[there]

Fleur, thanks!
Library staff person, A, backed me up before class when I told kids 'no fighting', and I demo'ed the 'put down gesture' that 1 girl has used repeatedly. She denied using it. No argument from. "Now you know, none of these _______ (fill in destructive behavior)
is ok. You will have to leave and A will come take you out of class." WOOT!!!
Now to bear in mind my support from A and to use it. Also, 1 mother told me, 'Don't hesitate to send him out if he misbehaves.' Double WOOT!
Then I taught a simple version of interpersonal skills, focusing on 'content of our characters'. Break for a few sweetreats. Make valentines. end of class.

Freaking out a little about vocational rehab, working more, gettinging off of social security disability insurance. Really I will have to work I will have to work and get offv SSDI to avoid reduced payments at age 66.

Much of the emotional abuse I and endured in adulthood had to do with how worthless I was because I didn't work to earn money, or at least these wonderful people's expectations. Ex best friend. Abusive therapist. People devaluing me in general if they found out I didn't have much money for or lived on disability payments, not to mention the stigma of disability itself.

So I've internalized a lot of shame. I fear and reasonably so disclosing anything to almost anybody---except here, of course.

Freaking painful still. Hope it can be released. Probably has something to do with a lot of crying lately.

I'm trying to be working more today isn't as busy as yesterday and I have to cut myself some slack. So hard to believe in myself and it's necessary to have faith in myself. I put it everywhere else and I've seen where that got me.

[Fleur]

Dear there


Totally understandable about how you view self and others. Not saying about disability makes sense when you have had negative responses

Celebrating with you about A at library and a parent's support

I don't know system in USA but if you can possibly work even more now to avoid reduced future finances that would be great

Get the mixed feelings re voc rehab. Hopefully, by the time you have enough work paying you regularly, it will be more than what you have currently from disability support

Sincerely trust you can be properly assisted to the level you desire and deserve


Soft caring hugs


(Sending some tissues plus something cheery to cause a few smiles if not laughter)