There: 2019

[there]

Fleur,

"You are a wonderful person, a great friend, full of creativity and sensitivity."
Thanks for that writing that, btw. It means a lot to me.

Went to a free swing dance class last night. Learned a lot, had a lot of fun! Teacher was kind of a jerk---her problem.
Dance partner said I was very good. Need to focus on the positive right? I got myself out the door, did something Active and social. Go, there!

Feeling some sadness.

Was out for chiropractic appointment and there was a burst of unpredicted snow. Need to do grocery shopping soon. Joy.

Sigh, have felt so overwhelmed for so long. It feels strange not to always feel that way. Would like a therapist who truly respect me. Society is so unhealthy. Therapists are part of an unhealthy society. They aren't necessarily healthier than anybody else.

I am working on individuating, something I was never allowed to do yet need to do for my health and personal, spiritual evolution. There, I said it. This therapist really doesn't treat me like an individual. Maybe she's pretty dang conformed.

Got financial aid freight YMCA membership. Just looking at my budget, I think that would help me to itemize expenses. Maybe I can get less expensive phone service.

Changing from needing disability payments to being gainfully self-employed is a huge undertaking. Feel fear and sadness about it.


I'm not giving up on myself for anyone or anything.

[Fleur]

Dear there


Neither you should give up on yourself for anyone or anything. You are an individual with many talents. Like all humanity, you have foibles, better days and not so great times

Lovely to know you enjoyed swing dance class. I really hope you'll attend another time as you enjoyed being with people. A pity teacher is a jerk. Sounds like others were having a good class despite her

Cannot imagine how people manage to grocery shop etc when weather includes unpredictable snow fall. May you keep safe as you travel between destinations

Yes, I'm sure I'd be concerned about going from disability support, low income yet steady, to perhaps precarious situation regarding employment/being self sufficient

Championing you on from the sidelines there


Soft caring hugs

[there]

Thank you so much, Fleur.
Your words help a lot today.

[reisha]

There - i was referrin to myself about 'wallowin' , not ya! Guess it dinna come thru rite in 2d

Can i ask why sad at gettin offa DIS? is it .... the end of phase, the .... change? ( cuz, like, humans'r resistant to it, or sum nonsense)

Sendin much care & suppory

[there]

reisha,
I thought you might be referring to yourself. Imagine, if you will, a survivor of verbal abuse being defensive about language


Thanks for asking about my feelings. I don’t always want to answer ‘how does that make you feeeeel’ questions, only because doing so much of that myself.
But, yeah, sadness that I had to live/survive as “dis”abled most of my life, and what a messed up society for putting people through more abuse for being ‘dis’abled/abused.

Loss- my fave. Sad that I had to just survive, given my upbringing being my downfall. —humor.

It fucking hurts having been made the child caretaker for a mother whose schizophrenia wasn’t treated, recognized. The 1 child of 5 who witnessed physical violence between her parents. The 1 child who was molested, as far as I know.

It just fucking hurts how stupid selfish ‘mental ‘health professionals’ got away with abuse that held me back from becoming all I might have earlier.

This world IS. Insane, and anybody who thinks the crazy people are limited to the ‘diagnosed’ is delusional.

I see clearly how I’ve been treated like I’m less than simply for being female.

It’s really sad that I can’t find a T who can treat me like I need to be treated to continue healing, growing.

End Part One

[Fleur]

Dear there


Totally agree that society tends to be absolutely f***d in how people are treated as "less than" - whether due to gender, capacity, age or other alleged distinction/difference

Life dealt you a horrible set of circumstances. You are a thriving survivor

Saying "I'm sorry" really doesn't express my sorrow, sadness, for your difficult childhood experiences

May this year, 2019, be a genuine turning point in your situation, with desirable positive changes on many levels - including a beautifully good fit affordable, suitable T
who is within short commuting distance


Sent with caring hugs plus pats for Tuladog

[reisha]

There - thanks for takin thetime to explain, cuz i really dinna get (alla) it, when ya said sad bout leavin 'dis' label. I DO get it. Cuz i too have gotten upset, lookin back, at my own treatment. I haddna considered it that way. I was thinkin - why wouldja be sad at NOT bein DDIS any more. Hmm, lookin forward vs lookin back, i guess. I get angry, lookin back, cuz my gfolx were DOCTORS, fer gawds sake! They KNEW what a whackjob my biomom was; i still dont understand why they put me w her......
& yes, totally get it, (& agree) w '2nd class' ('xless than') obs.
Its so interestin to me, talkin w other survivors, to discover triggers, (kneejerk) reactions, insights, copin tools. The contrasts & similarities. It realy helps me to understand myself so much better.
Loss - ug! While its a big one for me too, its not The Main thing. Well, i mean, it is, & it isna. How to explain? When i ~misplace~ things, i dont get (too) upset. Rather, i chuckle at my spaced out self, & say 'well, i'll be surprised when/where it shows up'. Its annoyin, not able to find things - just this week, i was remoteless. Tore the bed apart several times, to no sucess. Suxed, not bein able to put thesnooze feature on at nite, havin to get up & toggle thru Each & Every channel <wrist to forehaid - oh! My life is SOOOO difficult!> found the damn thing lastnite, under cats pillow (which is parta bed & was moved several timeswhile lookin). Or, the 2 things i need to return to walgreens - i putthe one back in its box, then went to get the other, & re iept.apparently set the 2nd aside on way back to 1st, & then i couldna find box (still invisable to me, grr!), then took 3 days to noticewhere id set 2nd. Ok, i now have 2nd, & reciept, butt that boxed item.......?!?!? Thats ok,i hatte goin to walgreens.....
But when i (thru no *faulta my own) lose sumtin from my life, THOSEhurt like hell. Hmm, maybe thats diff tween us? Ya got the message that loss was yer fault sumhow? Im so very sorry, There. Things get misplaced, theres no blame. Things turn invisable, & ya cant see where they are ( thats on THEM, not ya!)
& feel free to tell me im all wet if none applies!
Humans are such funny, odd, silly, fasinatin critters!
Sorry for such a long post
Sendin much care & support

[there]

Thanks, reisha, for sharing about the remote. I have 3 for the same reason. If I can't find it, I buy another. Actually, I hardly use TV cuz I don't have cable, watch netflix, and have pbs membership so watch stuff online.

Loss-hmmm,
My brother, R, was hit by a drunk driver, and died weeks later in ICU. He was almost 20. I was 16.

I lost my mother, partly didn't have a mother, because of her developing schizophrenia and 'just the way things were'. I took care of her, so didn't get mothered, or rather got mothered badly. Still trying to forgive her, because as a natural role model, she dragged me into her loss and poverty, too.
Still freaking unlearning, teaching myself to live, possibly thrive.

Ex-best friend--Screamed at me early on for being disabled and not earning $. Said more incredibly mean things when she got married. I held onto love for her for decades.

Last time we spoke, she told me 'you were never my best friend'. We were best friends from K-6 anyways. She was molested by a neighborhood boy, beaten up regularly by her older sister, who was molested by another neighborhood boy.
I really don't know if she ever figured any of tjis out, but I figured her crap out. She was still scapegoating me by telling me I was never her best friend, so I'm done, and this still fucking hurts.

I looked for love in many wrong places. Including from the bastard T who inflicted PTSD on me by his gaslighting and verbal abuse. I'm finally emotionally free of him. Only took my entire adulthood so far.

I don't feel I have any close friends, though I'm very sociable, and mostly an extrovert. Dear friends dumped me because of my being 'disabled', not like them, unable to simply succeed when they tried to help.

Life , mostly because of abusive people, has been a lot of senseless punishment.
I resent sexism and how it's made my life so much more difficult.

I do my very best to love, respect, and help myself move forward, knowing so much was never my fault.

Thank you for reading any of this.


edit-changed NT to MT- there

[Fleur]

Thank you for sharing some more of what is likely very painful to recall there

Stand in awe of your awareness regarding your former best friend's behaviour - which sounds deplorable, hurtful, yet you shed light and understanding about origins

Our mother being a "natural role model" - I had never thought about that aspect of parenting - typically, when asked about role models in my life, I don't include parents

Never too late to learn, to choose a different lifestyle, instigate changes, in my opinion

Hoping you are not affected too badly by wintry weather. You'll probably be toasty warm in new garments you bought towards end of last year - or so I trust, smile


Caring hugs

[there]

Fleur,
sorry just now saw your previous post. I miss things sometimes.

Yeah, painful, but it helps sometimes to see it outside of me. Maybe the most important thing is knowing it wasn't my fault, not blaming myself for what other people decide. As for friends, it wasn't like I was nasty, mean, or rude to them. You know what? Their loss, cuz I'm a good person and friend.

It IS lonely not having friends, well, I do have R, who is mostly with his gf. I could phone him, though. Also have B, who helps by walking Tula sometimes and we play '21' and go for coffee sometimes.

I was sort of interested in a guy, but the he's a bus driver and the routes change quarterly, so haven't seen him at all this year. Don't even know his name. And maybe a bus driver wouldn't be a decent intellectual match. Although I could get him interested in art and music, I bet. Sigh.

Mother bears teach their cubs to hunt and fish. Mine took the piano away in the divorce, took me, too, and stopped my lessons. I was so devoted to her. This showed me how to give up, and made me feel worthless and SU at 15. Then she lost all ability to support herself, lost her house that my g'father left her. And screw T for calling it codependence. That's just ignorant.

Reading how others felt relief when abuser parent died, I realize I felt devastated and lost. Still angry at her and call her names.

But I survived all abuse, and this is an abusive world, so I'm stronger than many people just for being alive.

Think I've managed to give myself tennis elbow practicing piano too hard. (humor)Taking an online jazz course to learn one song. Online teacher is quite good. Tempo to reach is extremely fast. Not sure I even like to listen to it that fast, but it's in the drum rhythm practice audio.


Have done 11 minute mantra meditation steadily for five months now, missing only one or two days. Also listening to meditations for confidence and Focus, concentration. Belleruth Naparstek, a psychologist, sells many on website. I definitely am getting more organized about my phone, Credit cards and money in purse.

Writing about them and getting support here I believe has helped to, so thank you, I survive Friends.

Interestingly, my reflexes are quicker when I knock something over. I've managed to catch a few things before they fall and break on the floor. I wonder if that might be from faster piano playing, too. Hmmm.

But carob powder from eBay and made carob 'fudge'. Yum.

Well it's going to be a continued effort to stay positive, not Think myself into A Black hole, and I will do my best.

Thank you for reading.