isurvive.org

Hate being emotional, having that time of the month is awful.

Being a woman is frustrating.

Laying here in bed...

Just wondering when this pain will ever go away...

My heart is damaged...

My thoughts are warped...

I feel unsatisfied with the world...

Is misery all that's left in a place like this... Earth

I wonder what's next in death...

Just the concept of something more beyond this life scares me...

Should I be living like this is my last day ever with each day...

True love for me doesn't exist anymore... but trust within another person lays a wait...

yeah feels better know I would trust you than love you more...

It's weird I am starting to dream more again... I like the stories my mind creates...

I like the information it pull from weeks ago than the trauma it has received in the past...

I honestly think this anger I hold in is finally coming out as a physical hindrance...

my breathing is harder these days from clenching my chest up...

My spine is out of line...

But the only thing I worry about is traveling next year to a small place to meet a few friends...

I love this dysfunctional life I have and the people who are in it...

I hate how materialistic the world has been... will always be... and it's gonna be...

It's like ever form of a person is capitalized... again like everyday more issues about colorism, classism, and racism all mixed into one heated topic.

I just know I will fulfill my purpose.

I like how energy has a big part to play with things around us...its what are, what we do, the control and core of our fundamental purpose...

I think it's dumb how people are ashamed to do things that are natural for ourselves, like fart or rejust bts straps in public...

If I had one wish... I wish I was never molested as a kid or ever

One hope is that I start school this time and finish it...

One this I crave is being held by the hand while glazing at the stars...

Why are STIs even a thing that exists... I thought sex until marriage was stressful enough, why would God put diseases in the mix of more nonsense... Thanks God.

I hated how people out there only a few can read you so wel down to the thought you think that moment... not even my thoughts feel safe and anyone at anytime can view it...

For the biggest time I was scared of being a no body... then It dawned on me that after I die no one will ever know that I was here... just like the millions if not billions of other people who used to be on this planet... I want to be okay with that idea that I was nothing but now something... to going back to returning back into dust.

I am glad I am getting over the idea that money, sex, and selfishness isn't fueling the world's societies anymore... well not as strong

I'm still accepting the good and bad of my current weight

IMA,
Listening to your reflective and intelligent and insightful and emotional thought train ~~~
You deserve comfort and rest from what ails you <3

ws

I think it really sucks sometimes how my friends and their friends make assumptions about how I like them more than our current relationship.

I don't in actuality I don't really see myself having a partner, I feel gross for what I am, what i have been through.

Honestly I'm that drive, there was someone I was interested in. But when the time came. All I could focus on was myself and how I felt with them... there was no trust so no love followed.

I know my time has passed for connections of love with others but all I see is that I won't ever measure up or just no attraction.

Can't be myself because people will always judge... when I am myself people still judge... when I'm just here

I feel decent... just mostly paranoid because I feel vulnerable

Life updates:

Paid off completely one of the three banks I owe.

Still work part time in the back.

Reshaping my wardrobe.

My school loan will be paid off by next month, so hopefully I will start again in spring

I haven't had any mental crying sprees in the last week.

I lost 4 pounds

Started a saving account for a vacation goal.

Been eating healthy snacks like nut instead of candy for 5 days this week.

Slept on my back once this week.

Practice a forgiveness affirmation for the people small town.

Wrote a few anger letters to people who had hurt me. Will burn then later.

Made a wish list

Papa B is out of my life for the moment.

Got a hair cut

Is it bad that I think....

That this world has been victim/abuser lifestyle

That more and more people are growing up to be conditioned into one if not both roles

That in order to understand both you have be or know someone in one of those roles

That people are cruel and when I lose my faith in decent individuals they show their true colors

I wish more people took the time each day to look in a mirror to question whether or not if they know which person they are.. a victim, an abuser, both or neither.

Really don't like people who only have a voice when they feel entitled

I honestly just want to raise a family and have kids who will question anything and every thing... even themselves where they come from and what their parents were like.

Maybe I am not cut out for a world like this... I honestly feel like that this is just a pit stop to a longer journey of awakening

Being hit as a child...

I never really felt the pain of the hits

I only cry based off the action... the infliction of someone causing pain towards another.

I don't like my father or my ex stepmother for this reason.

I can't stand people who have to control others by those means of trauma.

I'm just tired of the bullshit that everyone has to deal with in life, it's unnecessary and only serves one purpose...

IMA,
I always gain something by reading your thoughts here.

Hey there

Glad you take away something from my posts

IMA