Something Simple

[wolfspirit]

Still here, listening
sitting with you, if you want

<3
ws

[IMA]

Thank you ws

For sitting here with me

[IMA]

I like how even when I'm doubtful about long term and life time relationships.

I still like the goofy moments of special moments between people

Like:

Having someone to keep me company throughout the day where I can ramble what's been on my mind.

That person always staying in line.... don't have to feel ashamed of how they talk about me or of my race. Refreshing to now that people out there don't use my skin type as away of prespaction. It really sucks sometimes that's all I'm really trying to say.

Today... well for awhile now. I'm not able to dream about another love. Whenever I do it gets buried immediately with thoughts of the past and the body trauma of naseusa and fatigue.

I don't feel depressed like I used to but, no excited that I found this newfound strength of discernment when it comes to relationships.

I just need people, who are into me, need to know I'm screwed up too damaged to function in long relationships. I truly want to be friends, that I can't provide that long lasting bond need for a stable relationship. That if someone were to come between us...please for my sake pick them over me. I feel hostile around others, but hardly show it.

I don't need that push from life again....

Right now just wondering if I'm this detached and unstable... I can't ever use drugs or alcohol.

Looked at my mother picture for awhile.... talked to the portrait for a good while before I went to work, crazy how a butterfly passed by me soon after :3

I wish that people wouldn't go out of their way to humiliate others... why shaming is such a powerful weapon to wield?

I know my new goal is to be able to date someone no longer than 6 month... 3 to 4 months ideally. I learnt from the past that I would instantly make them my partner. I figured this way I'm letting myself look around and to break the habits of falling in love too fast and too hard.

When it comes to people being flirtatious with me.... it's more of an irration than gratitude. I lost that fire within me.

Actually most days I feel so... no remorse. I thought long and hard coming from that small town... they almost created sociopath out of me. It scared me comparing myself to that of a person of that nature. But when a town which has control of a mental institution, churches, surrounded by prisons, and only has a Walmart and three Subways going for them.... there is a crazy high number of sex offenders that live there too

Like I have the notion to believe that either they are creating people by breaking them down or even the ones the don't like... they either get them to break mental, push them to the edge of serious felony, chase them out of the city, or get them to commit suicide.

It makes me wonder how many other towns are like this one.

Sorry about the randomness but when I get this dysfunctional I have to write it out and walk away from it.

Really dislike my living situation... gonna look into though. I have one of houses where its pretty on the outside and awful in the inside...where there are rooms that I can't be in for too long because I relive every horror that was committed In.

Decided to detoxify my body with a cleanse it's been three days now...breaking out like crazy

All I say is thank you for putting me through this much, can't wait to get more out of life... right now feeling to much pain to make full sense out of my post.

[IMA]

I hurt myself by....

Not sleeping on time...

Being too honest about how I am....

Being with people who only use me...

Holding myself...onto the memories that need to process through

Saying hurtful things that I don't mean...

I hurt myself because...

I don't feel normal like people do anymore...

I'm just a shell in the day... and by night a shadow mixed in with the darkness...

Being insensitive is the only thing that makes the day go by faster...

That I lost my spirit, my drive, my body.... my mind

Who would of thought that the thing that should of brought you closer...ends up leaving me more...alone

I hurt myself why....

Because I honestly thought that when I let my guard down... that this time would be different...

Was so tired of people making me out to be a threat or something sinister...

It was easy to get gassed up with the thoughts of actually making new friends... the ones where not warned of me.

Remembering all the times where I can tell some else's words or actions got through to someone else before I met them...

I hurt myself how...

With distractions of false encouragement from peers and former mentors...

From refusing to heal from the first pains of dysfunction...

I hurt now...laying in bed healing... knowing that I won't ever be healed to full status.... Closes my eyes and smirks

[wolfspirit]

Listening and hearing your thoughts and feelings
Hoping you start to feel less hurt and betrayed
<3

[IMA]

Thank ws

Right now I am okay with the thought of betrayal and hurt and I want to be secure with who I am with future relationships.

[IMA]

Trying a journey question: Do a worry purge in the page of your journal. Without stopping, write down everything that is churning around in your mind. Once it is out of your head, give yourself permission to leave it in your journal and come back to it later with a clearer head.

1. I worry about my future with my family.... my asshole of a father about how he can't explore life. About how he has to look at women in marriages, it's pathetic and I wish I wasn't forced to look up to a person like that as a parental figure.

2. I worry about how I can't even find that connection with other people when it comes to relationships, I look back from past relationships and think, man there really is no hope for me.

3. I like how I worry about more meaningful life altering things verse the day to day norms of people in my age group.

4. I worry how and when my life will become the destination I chose for myself.

5. I worry about how I can't be myself and yet I am still comfortable post my thoughts online for others to read. Even though my last anonymous journey was hacked into.

6. I worry that my mental health issues will keep me back from the things I love most.

7. The day I will actually try out my suicide thoughts.

8. How my addiction to food with be my downfall... then though it is minor now.

9. Standing up to all those cruel groups of people.

10. Becoming wealthy and having to care for people who only want you for your money.

11. Confronting my family members and giving them the letter I wrote for each of them.

12. Living a lie that I'm not happy and how it's better to be no one to other and be true to myself.

13. I worry about the damage I made for myself when it comes to money.

14. How in order to find the disturbed, you have to become one too.

15. How I am still so dependent on people I absolutely hate.

16. Being psychotic not just crazy.

17. I worry about the thoughts of pain and how badly I want to give back the pain that others have given to me. But I don't...

[there]

IMA,
I like the worry purge concept. You really got some worries out and I hope it feels better.

[IMA]

Sometimes I wonder where I went wrong in life

[IMA]

My body is fragile...
My heart damaged from medication....
My chest sore from each inhale...
Can't go a day without an inhaler...

Just tired of hearing people telling me that I am strong... but really I'm just giving it all that I got each day