There's Healing Journey 2018

[iwillthrive]

there,

I’m short on words right now but wanted you to know that i am following along and wishing many good things for you.

iwt

[Jitterbug]

Hello dear there,

I find it so interesting that you are so strong with your boundaries, yet seem to constantly encounter people who challenge them or require you to assert yourself. That must feel so draining. You are also so positive, and resourceful, yet find that being challenged at every turn too. Your super sensitivity /tuned in-ness to the world around you - I wonder if that somehow is affecting your day to day in these ways? That unconsciously, your sensitivity is drawing these people & experiences to you? I don't know. Just theorising & that helps you nout! I guess I share cos I want to reinforce all that is so positive, resourceful, boundaried and self supporting about you. I so want for you to find friends who don't come with such a hefty "price". You deserve attention, listening, caring and fun.

I'm sorry, I have no better answers right now, that I am reaching around trying to work out what it is I'm trying to say. I hope my care for you and appreciation of you comes across.

((((((((((( there )))))))))))

Jitterbug

[there]

Jitterbug, really good to get y6ourn post!

I honestly don't expect you or anyone to have answers for me. I just beat this stuff out here sometimes so I don't leave it my mind. Maybe I should start saying that!
It doesn't feel So draining these days. I've survived the encounter and it's not my bad karma. It's their stuff. They carry it. I don't have to be carrier of ill will. I do a lot of work on this. And EA and VA have been huge factors in PTSD in my life. I can take a big deep breath and give myself credit for getting through it, keeping my cool. I think this calm comes from mediation and yoga practice, in which I'm "the observer" of my thoughts. I'm less entangled in it.
And I try to see them as victims of their own judgments.

It's human to see the negative. I'm working on replacing the memory of a jerk with that of say, a nicer salesperson in a different store.

I don't believe that my sensitivity draws negativity to myself. Many people aren't as open and friendly as I am. They don't value kindness like I do. They don't have the strength of character to not add to the negativity of the world. They don't actually know the difference between good and evil. They haven't had much to overcome. Seriously, I hold my behavior to a standard that many people can't reach. And it's partly because of being a survivor.

I do deserve positives-attention, listening, caring, and fun. Thank you.

I'm working on having a 'home base' inside, that I can come back to that matches my natural sunny disposition. I'm starting to ue my art to fill my mind.
I also hum to myself a lot.
humming..."Tune for the Bad Karma Crowd"


I

[wolfspirit]

there,
so good to read how you deal with the stuff in your life
particularly the spiritual practices you've made a part of your day

humming Love is Everywhere (J. Denver)

hugs,

ws

[there]

ws,
I'll have to look for that one.
ty for making me smile.
feeling pretty alone this morning.



There are so many instances of S being a jerk to me. I don't need her to tell me what I am or put me in my place.


I'm sad and scared about breaking friendship off, but am leaning hard in that direction. I need to make more friends, and have been trying. I don't want to be lonely again. l know I can turn some loneliness into productive with solitude. Heavy sigh.

Maybe I'm used to feeling bad and that's not easy to release.

edited 1x for content-there

[there]

Jitterbug,
You are a kind and beautiful person to me. I think I might have seemed dismissive of your viewpoint and I didn't intend that.

My sensitivity is an asset to me. I've worked hard to pull out of self-blame or the comments made by verbal abusers who have said mean things, then told me I'm too sensitive when I object to their VA.

Sorry if I came across as discounting. Probably I got defensive, Jitterbug

[Jitterbug]

Dear there,

Please don't apologise for any reaction you had. Defensiveness is understandable. The amount of hours and committed dedication you apply to your inner world and maintaining that sunny positive sense of self under such difficult circumstances is truly remarkable. You are truly remarkable.

I am so sorry that I said/implied your sensitivity draws negativity to you. That wasn't what I meant & I think I knew I was not expressing myself properly when I posted (note to self... listen to your inner voice when you read your post prior to submitting and a little voice wonders.."is that really what you are trying to say?" ). Unfortunately I was quite hyper that day & as a consequence rode roughshod over my inner sensitivity & thus also yours. I am so sorry! Your sensitivity is an asset. Absolutely. Hugely. I did not mean to suggest differently in any way. Which poses the question what was I trying to say? Perhaps that people try to take advantage of your gentle generosity of spirit? And I am frustrated on your behalf??

It was so good to read you defend yourself so powerfully and to hear you claim and own your own inner standards and the path that you are on. Somewhere in the landscape around you now are some really fortunate folk. They haven't met you yet, or experienced your warmth, humour and caring intelligence but when they do, how can they not appreciate the friendship you offer or benefit from all that wisdom you will bring into their lives?? I know I do.

In friendship and valuing your honesty,

Jitterbug

[there]

Jitterbug,
Sometimes I'm too quick in reading posts. If I'd digested it,I'd have known your heartfelt intent was the main thing. I have been defending myself irl as positively as possible, probably with too many normal haywirings adding to frustration. Plus a 'friend' who pushes my buttons.

Thanks for being so kind in general. I don't want to hurt or alienate you because you mean so much to me.

[wolfspirit]

there,
staying on your friendship journey with you as I know each person is different in how they affect us.
I wish S could see what she does and learn to change that behavior toward you.
The weekend's almost here and we're supposed to get thunderstorms. Kinda strange for my part of the woods.

sending hugs,

ws

[Jitterbug]

No hurt or alienation at all.

Honestly, I appreciate your honesty. . You mean so much to me too. These are just the normal interchanges of friends. Saying what you feel. Seeking clarification when it is needed. Allowing yourself to be open enough to express vulnerability within the friendship. When we are dealing with the maelstrom of emotions and triggers as survivors it is a not unexpected byproduct, I feel, of our weaving our way through these exchanges if we are to truly get to know each other and connect. I was triggered & had got all hyper. You were triggered by me into feeling a little defensive. That's OK. We both know each other's hearts' intent and when something misfires I am glad that we can have this conversation. It's another dimension of friendship in action.

As usual I've been over wordy... apologies for that. Hey ho.

(((((((((((((((((( there ))))))))))))))))))

Jitterbug