Letting go

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honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Mar 25, 2019 1:07 pm

The old GOUT has gotten me down!! SOOOOO painful!!!!!!!!! I can barely walk. Thank God for liquid Tart Cherry juice concentrate! That is like a miracle for easing the pain! The liquid is the best, but the capsules help, too, along with Celery Seed tablets. The pain is easing somewhat, but it's still difficult to walk (hobble/limp), even to get to the bathroom or to get something to eat or refill my water jug. I understand that stress can bring this on, but DS will be flying to a conference soon. :? Funny: I can't stand to be that alone! I have absolutely no one to call "just in case". It makes my entire existence in my "cell" (my room) with only my remaining 2 dogs (when invited in) as company. I count on my DS too much unfortunately and he is not one that I can count on reliably. His heart is good, but he is autistic and emotionally young.

Due to the excruciating pain and inability to walk and take care of myself, I am facing the reality of aging lately. (It's not for sissies!) I guess what I'll do is get an assistant in here to help me IF I can afford its cost past what my health insurance will cover. I do wonder how all of that will work out. I was even thinking about a wheelchair and how I'd have to clear certain areas between my room and the kitchen. :roll: Serious thoughts! And serious pain!! But the gout is easing now and will soon be gone again...until the next time. One of these times (gout flares), I'll not be able to get up and clear the hallway and cook and do my laundry and other household chores, and even shower! I'm not looking forward to that!!! :cry: I've misplaced my cane and had to use a broom handle (removed from the broom of course) so I could even slowly and agonizingly get to the bathroom, maybe 10' from my bed. This has been misery!!

I hope and pray that I can at least walk a little tomorrow so I can go see my T. I also want some of those bone-in pork chops for 98¢/lb. They're my favorite and are easy to cook. And I can cook up some of those apples into keto applesauce (SO easy to do!) to go with those pan-fried chops. I LOVE my WOE! (Apples have malic acid and are very good for gout! YAY!) Fresh veggies and pork chops and marinate a bunch of chicken drumsticks (38¢/lb. this week!! :o ) in keto style Teriyaki Sauce, and then bake them! Yes, I'm still at it. What choice do I have? The trick is to make it easy with few ingredients and have it on hand for my eating window.

I have to get some sleep if I'm going to be up in time for my T appt.

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Mar 29, 2019 11:38 am

Wed. night...
THIS IS A TEST FOR ME! :P DS is blessedly doing his own thing, yet that leaves me ALONE, and that is difficult for me. I've not been actually "overeating" (not compulsively and only keto friendly foods), but I have been eating whenever hungry (legal snacking). Not much intermittent fasting [IF] is being done (although IF does help with the gout). I'm doing surprisingly well with DS's absence and keeping busy. I'm doing my taxes and rearranging shelves and cleaning out and rearranging the kitchen and hallway pantries and hobby room shelves (read: non-keto OUT, keto friendly IN). DS fixed all my shelves in the hobby room before he took off. What a good son he is!! All NON-KETO food items that I gather up and box are to be donated to DS's friend's family. I've been there once upon a time, living in poverty with a family to feed. I'm glad to help out and they said they are happy to receive these things (wheat flour, canned beans, dry beans, rice, cake mixes, pasta, and so on, even my old bread machine). One hand washes the other. :mrgreen: Plus this gives me ROOM to put away things that I use every day. I've been needing to do this for some time now.

===============================================(Thurs. evening)

I'm also studying my 15 min. or so videos (one or more at a time) from dear Dr. Les Carter. How and why this kind man gave this incredible therapeutic education into the twisted thought processes of the pathological narcissist FOR FREE is beyond me. I have been in therapy since 1965 (off and on) and have never had such succinct and insightful explanations of MD's corrupt mind and manipulative ways of thinking laid before me in language I can understand easily and with recommendations that I can follow through with success and protection of self! I am so grateful to him for putting these mini-seminars online and FOR FREE. I'm paying $10 co-pay per office visit to my T and she isn't available to view at say 3am (or whenever), nor is she as to the point or as helpful to me understanding MD's raging narcissistic attitudes (and games!!). She's been running this vicious nuttiness on me ALL MY LIFE! Now I can LET GO of MD and her insanity that she has permanently crafted and placed and planted in MY head (as my Inner Critic). Dr. Carter, by way of his videos, is showing me how to neutralize all the nuttiness this crazed woman has been shoving down my innocent throat as I try to make sense of WHY my own mother has chosen to be this way towards me. :roll:

He answers my questions re: WHY oh WHY is MD doing this?? What makes HER tick? Why demonize and physically and mentally abuse a cherubic 2 yr. old child who recites nursery rhymes and passages from children's books from memory? AND I WAS NOT UGLY!!!!! I WAS ADORABLE!!! MD's actions were deplorable!!! But that was then and this is NOW. She can't hit me anymore. She can't even SEE me unless I ALLOW her to! (And even if I go see her for her 90th birthday in April, it won't be appreciated. So why go? It would only "feed" her games. :roll: )

Understanding HER is helping ME to just walk away. No hatred, no malice, just leaving in a self protective way. Like my Grandpa did when he'd say, "Never mind, (MD's name). (Honey) can help me with hanging the laundry out to dry out back." (I got to hold the clothes pins and hand them to him as he hung the clothes on the line. ;) ) Instead of feeding her deep seated insecurities by making myself be "less than" to her views of superiority, I can now see them as crystal clear and telling and refuse to play. I have my own things to do, my own life to lead. Grandpa never stood and argued with her. He just took me out of there and finished doing the laundry or burnt the trash or whatever. We also worked in the garden or the roses or went to the store. (I got to ride in the "two-wheeled cart" down to Shay's tiny neighborhood corner grocery store, but I had to walk back because the groceries were in the cart, but I always got a candy bar or other treat. Sweet memories there. :mrgreen: )

I lived on my grandparent's property until I was 5 yrs. and 2 months. Thank God! I lived in their actual house until I was 1½ (while my father built the cottage on the rear of the property, and my grandparents paid for all building materials). I lived in the TINY one bedroom cottage until I was 5 yr. 2 mo. Then my parents bought a new house and we finally moved. I was very lucky it worked out that way!! I spent my "formative years" under the watchful eyes of my grandfather (think: Heidi). That's why MD had my father build a fence around the little front lawn of the cottage so I couldn't escape up to the safety of my Grandpa. I used to have nightmares that I can vividly remember to this day re: something (MONSTERS of some sort or another!!) chasing me and NOT being able to run or escape, no matter how hard I tried to get away.

But I can now see that MD has monsters of her own, debilitating monsters that plague her until this day. Difference between us? She never took the time or made the effort to recognize OR to LET GO of her monsters. She was not beaten physically, but her demon is ABANDONMENT due to her own mother abandoning her at the tender age of 2 along with her two sisters (ages 4 and 6) in 1933 in the depths of The Depression. It turned her into a true pathological narcissist. Life became all about HER (and to hell with YOU and all YOUR feelings!); in fact, her nickname was "PeeWee Fighting Cock", and she is still proud of that title. She fell into the "get them before they get you" way of thinking/being. I was nothing special to her. My being born MAY detract from HER, and that is NOT ALLOWED! EVER! She HAD to think that I (as another female) was "UGLY", even when I was as cute as a button. So sad. :( And rough for an infant to cope with: it's why I cried so much at 3 months old (in the care of a 17 yr. old MD!! :shock: ) and why MD laced my formula with phenobarbital to shut me up because my crying was "inconvenient". I understand now how difficult it must have been for this delusional teenager (now married, living in her adopted parent's home with her husband AND the new baby (ME - the FIRST baby in anyone's life EVER, including my previously childless grandparents), as she struggled to "keep up appearances" with a baby screaming for necessary care that she had NO IDEA how or what to give. So she opted out with the phenobarbital. Wow. :|

She truly is delusional, and she lived her own life to COPY the movie The Egg and I, about a married city man who longs to become a farmer and how he finally does, starting from the bottom up with a crappy farm and a not so understanding wife. Same plot as Green Acres, the TV show. She could see herself as Claudette Colbert or Eva Gabor, the wives. She is the one who told me that. My father was a self-employed pioneer in TV tech repair in our area after WWII, so he didn't have set work hours, but made a very good living. He admired MD's fastidious cleanliness (ie, even at first, she was a CLEAN FREAK) and he told her so: "You're the cleanest girl I've ever met!" She took that to heart and so we lived in a meticulously CLEAN house! PAINSTAKINGLY CLEAN!!!!!!!! And Rule #1: "Once I CLEAN it, YOU do NOT mess it up!!" So...remember the caterpillar that she would NOT notice me showing her as she ironed my father's good white shirts? The one I finally set on the ironing board as she turned to get something? The one she ironed into my father's best white shirt as she turned back and slammed the iron down without looking? It all makes sense now: the violent rage-filled beating (of me) that followed, how it was ALL MY FAULT, how UGLY I was, how stupid, how could I have done that to her?!!! I was probably 3-4 yrs. old at the time, and she would NOT stop saying "SHUT UP!" to me who was trying to get her attention, but she wouldn't look at this COOL fuzzy caterpillar, kept ignoring me, so I put it where she could FINALLY SEE IT. :| I just wanted her to SEE it. Well, she saw it. :shock: :arrow: :x I remember being very upset because she killed my cool caterpillar with her iron...

But SHE was upset for some very different reasons! She had NO EMPATHY for me; she could only see how SHE was effected. That dress shirt of my father's was RUINED! And that dress shirt had MORE VALUE than I had, that's for sure. Same thing (several years later) with my quilted skirt that got a smudge of grease on it (from hitching a mile long ride home from school on the back of some kid's bike) when she pulled my pig-tailed hair like handlebars and smashed my head into the kitchen wall repeatedly until I began to pass out. Some beatings were worse than others and so stuck out, but some were daily occurrences, like hair combing (yanking) or dressing me (slapping or punching or hitting with handy "weapons") . Or even eating my dinner wrong (chewing incorrectly or not cleaning my plate were favorite issues); these were dealt with at the table with horrible ridicule, but later (like getting me ready for bed) she would hurt me in some way. But this had little to do with me. This had to do with her and her fantasy of perfection. If I had to be a GIRL :x , at least I could be PERFECT. But now I realize that this had little to nothing to do with ME. Had I been "perfect", her jealousy of me, warranted or unwarranted, would have sent her even further over the edge than she already was. It was tough to live with her. She had ALL the control, used my father as her ultimate enforcer and THREAT against me (especially in my teens), and no one was there to stop her.

I could not escape her and her delusions (of grandeur, of superiority, of inadequacies, and so on), but I can NOW. Not in anger, but simply in self preservation. I can be my own Grandpa, standing in the driveway, hand extended, palm outward, with my Inner Child huddling behind my knees, saying patiently, calmly, to HER, my Inner Critic, "Now, now, now...what did she do this time?" and taking my Inner Child instead out to hang the clothes out on the clothesline, having my Inner Child happily hand me the clothespins, tickled to be doing a good job and feeling good about herself. Or asking her how she'd like to weedeat those grassy weeds in the dog's yard (since the rain has stopped) and maybe plant a couple of squash plants now? (The peas and carrots are doing GREAT!) I can take my Grandpa with me in my heart as he took me to do the gardening so many years ago. It would please him to know I said that. ♥♥♥Grandpa!!♥♥♥

I think that that's it for today...it's 2:30am on Friday now. I think I've purged enough out for tonight. :lol: I made all the dishes I had promised myself I'd do (mashed "faux-tatoes", a nice corned beef and cabbage with a few carrots, and some chocolate/peanut butter covered pork rinds [aka Keto Puppy Chow - SO GOOD!]).

BTW, I am using a tiny bit of Amoretti's Potato Extract (expensive as heck, but I got it for free from the company!) in those faux-tatoes (one head of cauliflower, steamed in microwave for 10 min. [NO water!] and drained + ½ cube butter, 4-6 oz. cream cheese, melted over low heat in saucepan, flavored with TWO secret ingredients: Lake Shore Drive seasoning [thespicehouse dot com/lake-shore-drive-seasoning - which includes salt, shallots, garlic, onion, chives, ground green peppercorns, scallions - I use it on everything! YUM!] AND AND AND a scant 1/8 t. of that Amoretti Potato Extract - mix together cooked and drained cauliflower with the seasoned butter/cream cheese mixture with a hand held stick blender until texture of mashed potatoes = HEAVEN!!! Tastes just like REAL mashed potatoes and even has the texture! Tonight I added a nice dollop of Mexican Sour Cream (Oaxacan! The BEST!!), bacon, and shredded cheese. OMG GOOD!!! I licked the spoon! Crazy good!

I can't wait to try it with Faux-tato Salad and all the fixin's! All I'll be doing differently is using cauliflower (steamed, but not mashed - 8-10 min. in the microwave) and my own mayo (takes 5 min. to make - tops!) and all the normal stuff added in (hard-boiled eggs, onions, mustard, sugar free pickles, bacon, and so on). Of course, adding the secret ingredient of Amoretti's Potato Extract to the mayo with the mustard should make it taste like the real thing! All my guts (liver, kidneys, pancreas) have been healing up by eating this delicious way, and I'm starting to lose some weight (I think, but just by looking at me and how my clothes fit - I'm terrified to get on the scale yet). The gout "flare" is nearly gone again, but the tart cherry juice I have to drink to get the pain to stop is NOT very keto friendly (10 grams carbs per ounce!!), so while I'm thrilled that the cherry juice works, it is sort of counteracting the keto (20 grams OF CARBS/day or LESS). My feet got so swollen up with the gout (and painful, too) that my garden clogs were too tight to wear, but they're ok now. I HATE GOUT! :x :!: :!: I'll be cutting back on the cherry juice just as soon as I can.

Wow. 4 am. YIKES! Off to bed now! It's tough to sleep in the dark for me when DS is away (I have black out curtains if I have to sleep in the daytime). Writing to you all calms me. I am so grateful that you are here. {{{{{{{{{{{ALL OF YOU!!!!!}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera♥♥

Fleur
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Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Fri Mar 29, 2019 1:43 pm

I'm reading along honeybera. Hope you get good rest


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Mar 31, 2019 3:50 pm

Thanks Fleur! :mrgreen: It helps to know that I am not alone. ♥♥♥

All of this is so toxic that to hold it in instead of sharing it with trusted friends would be counterproductive for me. Dr. Les Carter and his youtube videos on narcissism (and understanding and recognizing the narcissist and setting boundaries and so on) sometimes really fires up those ancient triggers and I need to write since writing helps to neutralize them.

Been up all night again. I'm going to get some rest now. DS will be home soon. I can hardly wait. I've missed him.

Honeybera

Fleur
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Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Thu Apr 04, 2019 5:28 am

Hello honeybera

Ive had some sleep issues, whether awake all night or shnatching an hour to 2 here and there. You have my empathy

Thank you for saying about narcissist YouTube clips

Great son is home


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sat Apr 06, 2019 4:19 am

Hey Fleur...
Fleur wrote:
Thu Apr 04, 2019 5:28 am
Ive had some sleep issues, whether awake all night or shnatching an hour to 2 here and there. You have my empathy
And you have my empathy, too. What I miss the most is the sunlight. Nights are long when you begin the day at dusk and then get sleepy at dawn. Thank God for my blackout curtains, but that makes my life in the dark 24/7. That plus the gout pain has not made life a happy dreamlike state. But I'm gratified by my garden view, despite the tall weeds and my need to get out there. My very necessary garden clogs HURT my poor feet with the tenderness and swelling and all from the crippling gout. But nature is determined and all has bloomed or is blooming now and the rain has fallen so they're watered at least and now I can take care of planting after the weedeating.

=========================(evening)

I weedeated half the front yard again this afternoon. I'll finish the rest tomorrow and then head for the backyard. The worst thing about this gout is that it severely limits my mobility (I can't walk without intense pain). It felt so good to be able to get out there and weedeat what has grown back, especially the goat heads! The whippy weeds are bad, but those goat head seeds are downright vicious and stick in my feet (even inside the house where we track them in) and the dog's paws (I see them limping around) It's frustrating to see their innocent fern-like greenery and the perky little pretty purple flowers growing back and I can't even get my shoes on so I can mow them down and try to rid my yard of them. Here's hoping that tomorrow will bring even further healing of my poor feet. I'm more than willing if the pain subsides.
Fleur wrote:
Thu Apr 04, 2019 5:28 am
Thank you for saying about narcissist YouTube clips
Did you see him? I think he's great! Best T ever! I love how he calmly explains what a narcissist is and how they think. It matched MD exactly! Much of the anger that I felt against her is GONE. That anger is very toxic for me to carry around and wallow in from time to time, and that's exactly what "the self-appeasing Game" is, that ancient old "Gotcha" game she loves to play, but for reasons I'm just now beginning to understand. The same goes for the "You're Less Than...(Meaning I'M BETTER)" game. Dumping that old anger left in me and depositing it in the volumes I've written about her here on isurvive.org was freeing, but this new understanding of just how little I had to do with her rage was truly eye opening.

However, "understanding her" and how her mind works and going to see her on her birthday is still too risky for me. I'd prefer to stay away from her and concentrate on the here and now and getting rid of this gout and getting outside in the sunlight and planting my freshly just-grown plants (tomatoes and peppers and companion marigolds) into my garden. I have my remaining two dogs and a son to love and a cookbook to compile and lots of self-satisfying cleaning and organizing to do. That's what dear Dr. Les Carter has given me for free. Nice! Time to MOVE ON.
Fleur wrote:
Thu Apr 04, 2019 5:28 am
Great son is home
Yes, it sure is! I'm getting many lessons on appreciation of what I've got. Sure, I've got my problems, but I'm not bad off at all. I'm happier than I've ever been. Retirement is just like being on welfare, but with "enough" money and accompanying respect. :lol: I noticed those phenomena as soon as I retired. And since my DS has come home, I wonder if I was properly appreciating all that he does for me. It's a LOT, especially when I was TOTALLY ALONE and walking felt like I was stepping on cut glass just to get to the bathroom or to fill my 64 oz. water jug when thirsty. He's very handy to have around! And the sad loss of my other two dogs only shows me how nice it is to have (and pet) my remaining two. It's a good place to be in my head.

I think I'll hit the hay now. I did a lot of work out there in the front yard! And then I made dinner. :mrgreen: I'm needing my rest.

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Apr 08, 2019 7:01 pm

I had a glum night last night. isurvive is the closest thing to "social interaction" that I have in my life, and I'm feeling the pinch. As I am wont to do in my writings on here, last night I sort of talked myself out of my desperately black mood into a more positive "YOU CAN DO THIS!" Part of the reason I'm having these hideously painful gout attacks is my morbid obesity and T2 diabetes, and I keep reading online that "weight loss can help". But then I get frustrated and think, "If only I could lose this weight! Why isn't this Keto working for ME after being so faithful to it over these last 17 months???" (Stress can be a trigger for gout attacks/flares, too.)

What troubled me the most was the total helplessness that I felt with DS out of state on his week long trip and with me with NO backup! Not a single friend or family member was there to call. Not even a neighbor. It was breathtakingly frightening to me to get "that bathroom urge" suddenly and realize that I had a "walk" of about 10 ft. in front of me to get to the bathroom, that it was going to be horribly painful to get there (maybe even impossible!!), felt like broken glass was underneath my left foot each time I'd put weight on it, and that it would progress by one agonizing step at a time, pause, and on again. I couldn't even find my cane and had to use a broomstick to aid me. It was truly nightmarish!

And if I fell, too bad! I could not physically get up onto my knees to even crawl. I could not get to the front of the house to unlock the deadbolt to let someone in. I ate a large bag of macadamia nuts and pork rinds that were near my bed so I wouldn't starve since the trip down the hall to the kitchen was just not something that I could physically do. And DS was out of the state! I could not call on him. My poor dogs didn't see me for 3 full days. I could not feed them soft/canned food or provide outside water, but they have dry food and a huge 5 gallon self-providing water jug in their pen, so I knew they were ok.

Then once DS was home, he's been "angry" ever since. I don't know if it's with me or not. He says it's not, but it is aimed at me. And I can say that anger aimed at me, deserved or imagined or whatever, is the last thing that I need right now. It's depressing to me (hence, the black mood of depression that took me over last night). He'll come into my room and in a few minutes, he'll begin to shout. (Shouting I do not need! :roll: ) He rants on and on, some about me (not much though), some about his friends, some about politics (we are both very political, but blessedly having the same views). HE JUST VENTS! And he's SO impatient, with me, with everyone and everything! I think we need to communicate.

My feet are better now (THANK GOD!!!) and I have decided to try, try again. I got up today (at 6am!), took a shower and washed my hair, and began to clean up my WAY OVERFILLED taskbar. (I have a bad habit of doing that. Got tabs up that have been there for over two years!)

=================================(Monday morning)

And here's my answer to the lack of weight loss conundrum!! Eating Keto friendly foods alone is NOT the answer! It doesn't hurt to reduce eating carbs, and it REALLY helps to not eat any form of sugar or starchy veggies (potatoes of any kind, corn in any form, rice of any color) or grains, "whole grain" or not. But the answer (for me) is PATIENCE, faithful Intermittent Fasting (20 or 24 hrs. each day), and "exercising" (cleaning up the garden, the house, and/or the garage) on a daily basis! I have done this in the last 17 months and the overall results are:

- lost all forms of arthritis except the gouty arthritis, and even that is gone right now, so I'm pain free.
- Little to no "tinea" problems (athlete's foot, etc. - eliminating sugar does the trick)
- my fatty liver problem is GONE and my liver "is fine" and kidneys are still "ok" after 19 yrs. of diagnosed T2 diabetes with Metformin still taken (I quit the sulfonylureas when I started Keto. Sulfonylureas increase insulin which is NOT good for me at all since insulin is well known to cause weight gain!)
- gallbladder? only a few gallstones that don't bother me at all
- I am showing signs of weight loss, too (especially in my face and double chin which has disappeared)! My arms and thighs and belly have big indentations where the fat has GONE. I'm just not seeing RAPID weight loss, but I'm beginning to sense that that is really ok as my overall health improves. I need to get back to my OMAD, BE PATIENT, and see how it goes. My belly and upper arms are just going to take some time.

I'm re-re-re-watching Butter Bob Briggs on YouTube for the umpteenth time, but as usual, I'm seeing things that I missed all those other times. This is so helpful to me as I try to wrench myself out of a bad and despondent mood! There is a hope and a purpose to all this keto-vangelism and it's worth the effort! :lol:

I also spoke with DS last night. All is well. I think he just doesn't get that his sour mood/angst is contagious for me. I even got a hug. Nice! :mrgreen:

My stomach is growling for me to feed it. I have a T appt. today. And I've been weedeating all over the place! (No foot pain = time to get that weedeating DONE!) My entire backyard is clogged with waist high weeds, soon to sow their rapidly growing seeds! :x I liberated the a/c unit this morning. MUCH needs to be done still! But it's fun work and very satisfying to me. :mrgreen:

Honeybera

honeybera
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Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Apr 12, 2019 1:27 am

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." - Douglas Adams
Oh, I really like this quote! It kind of sums up where I'm getting to in my mind, especially where MD is the focus. I'm not saying that what she did was right or even distantly welcome, but it's like I finally get it! And if she hadn't done/been the way she was (and still is), I wouldn't be the same person that I've turned out to be, and that would be a shame. I'm OK AND if it had to be me that uncovered that truth, so be it. It did get uncovered and I welcome the new discovery that is me with open arms.

I have decided to call my dear brother and have a chat with him. I'm going to let him know that I'm having a hard time walking from time to time. (It is true.) I'm going to ask him to wish MD a happy 90th birthday for me when he goes over to see her. I'll even ask how she is and so on. She could be dead already for all I know. He's the executor anyway and I get nothing from the estate, so why should he even notify me?

[I changed my mind again. Actually, this is a great exercise for me to do, to decide whether or not to go see MD on a "special day" in her life. The last time I saw her was on her birthday 2 or 3 yrs. ago, and she gave me a few zingers even then, so I am quite sure that that is what will occur again. Forgiveness has nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. And feeling guilty re: missing her birthday, 90th or not, is patently ridiculous! I doubt if it will even register with her. Send my best wishes with my db or not is still undecided, but it's that OR just skip the whole thing and continue to tidy up around here, one happy task at a time. Bless her, and I truly mean that! But to place myself before her like a friggin' target just because it's her birthday is ludicrous! :roll: Her birthday is in one week. I will have decided by that time, one way or the other. ]

I've been super busy cleaning up the front and back yards and cooking and organizing my kitchen pantry, freezers, and fridges. Today in high winds I'm going to be doing more weedeating so I can begin to plant a couple of tomatoes and peppers tomorrow (when the winds die down). I'm overdue putting them out due to the weedeating that comes first and my own previous lack of mobility to do that chore. But Mother Nature has her own schedule. It's all getting done, however slowly that may be on my part. I must admit: every year it's getting easier to do. I'm even making progress on the garage. :mrgreen:

GREAT NEWS! My dear cousin B (the only surviving girl cousin of MD's two sisters, and cousin R's sister) gave me a call yesterday and we spoke for an hour and a half. :mrgreen: We have a lot in common and she is interested in both Keto and Dr. Les Carter. She even invited me up to visit them in the pines where they just moved. It's about 4 hrs. away. I had forgotten how much we (as a family) did this sort of thing in the ancient past. I invited DS to accompany me up there, but he seemed confused by the offer. I had forgotten how long it had been since we visited family overnight. It was before he was born. No wonder he's confused by the concept of "visiting family". Both cousin R and cousin B end our conversations with "I love you." How pleasant is that!

If she goes keto (along with her husband M, the cook of the family), I can share my recipes with someone who would be supportive and truly interested! HUZZAH!!! :mrgreen: You don't know how important that would be to me. Also, I'm doing more physically and fasting more rigorously and my stomach and legs are beginning to change again. I don't know how many pounds I've lost yet, but it doesn't really matter. I am still morbidly obese. And what fear would I have eased by weighing myself? I'm NOT going to get "too skinny" and slip past my goal weight. :lol: I'll know when I've lost enough when my clothes fit nicely. I just hope that B and her husband start doing this, too. Fingers crossed. But even if they don't, I'm still able to do it.

It's about bedtime by now. I've gotten my sleep schedule back on track: 8 or 9 pm until 5 or 6 am. NICE! :mrgreen: Shower before bed, fresh sheets on the bed. It's really nice! So nighty night...I'll check in again soon with you. ♥♥

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Fri Apr 12, 2019 8:24 pm

MD's big day is coming up. She'll be 90. I remember my 70th birthday...when no one did anything!! I remember my optometrist sent me a postcard (which was probably sent automatically to all his patients on their birthdays), but not one call or visit from my family except for a "Happy Birthday, Mom" from DS as we passed in the hallway. On my 71st birthday, N ordered for me (from Amazon) a beautiful blue and white Tiffany style stained glass lamp for my room that I fancied and showed to him in passing (but NOT to get him to buy it for me!). It's the only gift I've had (or cake either) that I've received from anyone for MANY decades. So why am I so worried about MD???

I am often amazed at what I write when I sit down here...y'know, what comes out. (This is VERY therapeutic for me!!!) ;) I was going to say that I'm still mulling over what I'm going to do that day, the BIG DAY, MD's 90th birthday. But what came out was me was remembering all the slights that I've had on my own birthdays. Interesting! :| More like salve on the "guilt wound". :P

I've got to remember that MD will have a party of sorts. DB will bring her a small cake and a present and his two girls (his wife refuses to see MD) and that will make her day complete. She'll be ok. I doubt if she'll even notice that I wasn't there - just as long as DB shows up. He's all that matters to her. She's made that excruciatingly CLEAR!

So...! What to do on MD's BIG DAY?? I have plenty to do right here!! Today is a continuation of the massive weedeating of the entire yard (my view of the garden happens today - YAY!), FINDING the hose again and watering my peas and carrots, planting my newly arrived (just this morning!!) raspberry plants AND my long-suffering and oh! SO patient leggy tomatoes and ready-to-go peppers (I can finally access those areas since yesterday's weedeating - again: YAY!!!!), plus a new batch of muffins (maple and black walnut flavored - YUM!!) and making some Curry Chicken Salad to top my green salads with. Plus put away all the cauliflower I bought and put away the pork steaks I also got. That should leave me exhausted and READY for an early bedtime! Oh, I also need to go to the store for some Round-Up for the front "lawn", to DESTROY it and begin to get it ready for THE BIG PROJECT (new fence, free-standing patio roof, paving stones, and solar panels!) that I'll be starting soon. I have to have the front lawn stripped away to make room for the paving stones. May as well destroy as many weeds as I can now. As for MD and whether HER feelings might be hurt if I don't show up should be the last thing on my mind!! :|

I have too many really positive things to do for me. I can't afford to present myself in front of her like a subservient TARGET by taking a large chunk of my busy day to go see her. As I write and write about this, one thing is becoming clear to me: the only reason I'd even think about this would be due to my own GUILT, and as I tear this apart and really look at it I'm seeing that I own no guilty feelings at all. I hope that she has a terrific day, that the staff there makes a big deal about her birthday and that that pleases her. I hope she deeply enjoys her visit with DB. I wish that with all my heart! But to play that old ancient Gotcha game with her on her birthday serves neither of us well.

I'm in a good place. ♥♥ I love you all!! ♥♥

Honeybera

honeybera
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Posts: 843
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sat Apr 13, 2019 11:25 pm

I think I solved my "City bellyaching" problem! The ordinance reads: no weeds over 12" high, and we get a $100 fine every time someone attempts to sell their home elsewhere in the neighborhood. I don't want to put grass in a) because we don't want or need a lawn and b) because where the fenced solar-topped patio will be is exactly where the lawn(s) would go! So there's no real reason to put in a lawn and mow it and weed it and so on. AND I decided that if they object to "tall weeds", I sprayed the ENTIRE lawn(s) with RoundUp. That'll take care of it. NO LAWN(S). NO GREEN AT ALL IN THE FRONT. Just a stubborn, but pretty, Rose of Sharon bush/tree that is quite healthy, and then there's the city's tree. I sprayed the west side "lawn" (all weeds) this morning and will spray again tomorrow morning on the east side. Death to the goat heads, foxtails, and whippy weeds! I have had it!!! (But RoundUp only in the front, not in the back where I grow food.)

Then this afternoon I found my soil-embedded hose in the backyard and WATERED ALL now that the waist high weeds are gone from some places! All that had survived the cold winter months got a welcome drink! And I got a couple of surprises out there: my freakin' TOMATOES survived the winter and are BLOOMING!!! and I HAVE SOME TINY PEARS OUT THERE! First time for pears!! YAY YAY YAY!!!! :mrgreen: So I am tired, but pleased. Next to be watered are my citrus (FULL OF BLOSSOMS!!), but I want to give them some fertilizer first. I will have lemons and Cara Cara oranges for sure (if I continue to care for them properly). TONS of lemons! Two kinds, too. But lemons are keto friendly, so that is fine with me! The bees are working overtime out there. :mrgreen:

Well, back to work...just wanted to share and take a little break.

Honeybera

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