Letting go

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honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Mar 04, 2019 6:19 pm

This morning, I can REALLY see that what's past is past, as good ol' N used to say. Did MD abuse me horribly? Oh hell YES, she did! Vigorously and often and with diabolical glee AND a misplaced sense of POWER (over a little kid: SHAME ON HER)!! And I even think that she got her own form of psychological payoff from it. BUT it did form me, and I turned out pretty good...a bit weird from time to time, but really ok. What is past is past, though, and she no longer can hurt me (as long as I avoid her like the plague), and believe me, I PLAN TO!!! I just need to MOVE ON!

The garage cooties have been vanquished once again by a well placed bug bomb, but I still need to do some sweeping and mopping and junk moving right now as the delivery guys will be here this afternoon. The gas guy will be here this morning to relight the pilot light on our gas hot water heater that has a real "bomb potential" if we don't shut off that pilot light before "bug bombing". DS took care of all of that before I even got up since he worked graveyard shift last night and did it when he got home. Good son! But now it's my turn to get busy since all cooties are DEAD, DEAD, DEAD!! Great excuse to finally get started on cleaning.

But the need to share with you re: MD as being in the PAST was important for me to share. Now out to clear and clean in the garage for the arrival of my new washer and dryer. YAY!!! It's a real dandy! You can see through smoked "glass" lids on both the washer and dryer to see the clothes washing and drying! YOWZA!! :lol:

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Tue Mar 05, 2019 9:46 pm

Y'know, sometimes that which seems to be something horrible turns out to be in my best interest! :lol: Yesterday was one of those days.

First thing, the gas guy never came to relight the water heater pilot light, and when I called to find out what had happened to him, they told me that they knew nothing about it! :shock: We had only cold water by that time!! But they promised to come out this morning between 8am-noon, and they did (thank God!). We now have hot water again...and showers and hot water for the garage cleanup (which is coming along nicely) and laundry...oh yeah, laundry.

So at about 5pm last night the delivery men with the washer/dryer hadn't come yet. :? So I called the company to find out what had happened and they informed me that it had been delivered already on Feb. 27th. :o :shock: After a LOT of "going through the files", they realized that what was reflected in their "files" was only a portion of the delivery, my DS's new T-shirts, and that the W/D delivery had been forgotten! How do you "forget" to deliver a washer and dryer?? :roll: So she rescheduled it for Wednesday (tomorrow), giving me the chance to launder some of the (really nasty!!!) items out there in the garage in the old w/d. Perfect day for it, too: rainy, drizzly, and cool. PERFECT! And all is well! :mrgreen: Nice how that worked out. I don't have to run around here all willy-nilly and rushing to beat them to clear a way into the house and finish the garage cleanup. I still have to take advantage of this extra time, but I don't have to do it with the vigor that I was doing yesterday. No pressure can be a wonderful thing! :mrgreen:

Since we were between rain showers yesterday, I managed to not only clear the way for the w/d delivery, but to also get out to the front yard and begin the weedeating out there for an hour or so. I really hope that all this exercise will help me lose some weight. I have to weedeat and prune and organize the entire property. It's good for me to do so, both emotionally and physically. And it's satisfying, too! When I looked at the garage this morning when the gas guy came, it felt pretty good. There is still SO MUCH to do, but it's one step at a time.

As a child, I was punished and shamed for trying to do anything to do with cleaning (or even bathing or dressing myself or combing my hair). Teeny bopper MD didn't understand that her job was to teach me these skills as I grew. I believe that it also made her feel that her job (as a teenaged housewife and mother) was seriously threatened if I did anything that even seemed to be something that she should be doing. She always claimed that I was too stupid and/or dumb and/or unqualified and/or irresponsible and/or untalented to do anything successfully and she would beat me for that. How confusing it was to be subjected to that treatment. No wonder I was so confused. And no wonder, out of self-preservation and self-protection, I did NOT learn how to clean or dress myself (or even care about "fashion" or how I looked). Only now am I beginning to really understand how that much negativity and on a constant basis can influence a person over a lifetime.

And I can now understand where her intense jealousy of me came from. It didn't mean that I caused her to be jealous, mean, and brutal towards me; it means that she has a screw loose and imagined that I was a threat instead of just being a daughter in her care. No threat to her. Just a kid being a kid. I guess that's why I so enjoy being a kid now and allow myself to do frivolous things occasionally. ;) It's good to be the Queen! :lol: And in charge!

And with that, I'm off to do more garage work and have lunch as soon as the spareribs are done and coleslaw is made. I need to set up that big 6'x4' folding table out there with a chair underneath. But first I need to get rid of the old desk and bookcase (donations). I hesitated in doing so because when I bought that unstained desk I was living behind my grandma's house caring for my grandparents and on Welfare (during the Nixon era, like around 1972-75). I also bought stain for it and did it myself. I also need to "clean it out" and some of the things in the drawers are sentimental, things like artwork from my kids when they were in school and report cards, things like that. But now it's 50 yrs. old and in need of donation.

Yesterday I set up a FREE (twice a year) pickup (March 14th) of anything that would be "dump worthy" (not keeping, not donating, won't fit into the garbage can). Any day is ok to select. Great little service our garbage company does for us.

Lunch is ready! (Or OMAD is ready!) :lol:

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Mar 10, 2019 12:29 pm

Been busy out in the garage and the front yard (weedeating) lately between the raindrops. I have the desk and the bookcase waiting to be loaded into the back of the pickup tomorrow for donation plus I have a lot of really nasty laundry to do (also for donation) in the old washer/dryer before the new ones arrive on Monday. YAY!! :mrgreen: I can begin to see the end of the "Mystery Boxes" that have occupied my garage for over 18 years now. The funniest thing is that not much was in them in the first place. It's sort of slow to go through everything, but it's really ok, too. Therapeutic! :lol:

I'm also watching some really good YouTube videos put out by Dr. Les Carter on the subject of narcissism. Fascinating! MD is such a narcissist!! Always has been and always will be. Odd thing about that is, as I listen to this very kind man explaining my mother so vividly it's like he knows her and her history, many of the pieces of my jigsaw puzzle life are falling into place. And this time, "forgiveness" is not out of the question for me. He's right: it's not for her, but for me. Contempt and anger are not something that I want to keep going anymore. What she did to me (and has continued to do for 72 yrs.) is unforgivable, BUT I'm not "forgiving" her or somehow accepting that her treatment of me was ok, but rather I'm just letting it go for me. I'm tired of accepting her demands of me and how I should be. I want to be my own person! And the only way to do that is to LET IT GO!! It's a really dead end game to struggle for her acceptance of me before she dies. She just doesn't have it to give. She's so damaged herself.

I have so many things to be thankful for. I don't need to serve the narcissist any longer as her servant and whipping boy. She and my brother are on their own now. I can still see my brother from time to time I suppose, but not MD. She's just too toxic for me. :|

My SunGold tomatoes are up and tall and thriving!! Time to get them into the ground now. This year it's easy: just pull out the old ones from last year and plop in the ones I've been raising from seed indoors. Peppers are next. The temps are in the 60s with nice 40-50º nights, and they'll go into the 70s in a week or two. Lots to do.

♥♥♥Love to you all!!♥♥♥

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Mar 11, 2019 8:40 am

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm watching my free YouTube videos with Dr. Les Carter, a great and calm T from Dallas, TX. This little video is of him speaking about narcissists called Your Angry Reactions To The Narcissist and when he got to the part about how the narcissist loves to play the game of "Gotcha", I yelled out, "OMG!!! Does he KNOW HER???" I was just yelling at the monitor in front of me, not even listening to him anymore. WHAT A TRIGGER!!!!!!

MD is a MASTER at this game! Not was, but IS. It is precisely why I avoid her! In my 20s and 30s, I actually called it "gotcha!" or I called it "See B--?!" when she was speaking ill of me to my father. In other words, she'd repeat and repeat, "Look at what she did THIS time! See, B--? See how she is?" and then she'd go into "her" victimization of herself by me (almost always fictitious), wailing to let him know my faults and to tell him about how horrible I was and to prove it to him and then came the humiliating, vitriolic name calling as my father patiently listened. But recalling it now as an adult, I can see how she was trying with all her might to lay her own self doubt onto me. I didn't get it then, but I sure as hell get it NOW!!

I am now beginning to understand how she HAD to be in CONSTANT control, how it drove her, and how SHAMED she was that it had happened to her!! Her own bio-mother abandoned her and her two sisters during the Great Depression to first cousins and then to abject poverty with a drunken grandfather that molested the lot of them, and then once he was reported, to the orphanage, the detention home (from overcrowding of the orphanage due to the huge influx of unwanted or abandoned children during The Depression) and eventually adoption by my beloved grandparents. It is her greatest shame, and it shaped her. I was born to her at 17 yrs. old, a mere 11 yrs. after this tough upbringing for her. She barely had time to take a breath and adjust before she was in the role of teenaged mother to a newborn (me). Married to my father in 1945 at the age of 16, they continued to live on my grandparent's property for the next 6 yrs., even building a cottage out on the rear of the large city lot my grandparents owned to appease MD since that is what she wanted.

All the jigsaw pieces are falling into place. All of them. I can see the WHY of all of it and how little I had to do with it or her foul moods. Blame for me was always there, but it had little to do with me. I was blameless in this little drama except for the frustrations of any parent with a child, but I was not a "bad child". I was just a kid. An abused kid from my earliest memories. And that was wrong of her, but she was damaged, too. Understanding her really helps me to let go of her. The old "MD" that was her and the current old lady in the nursing home that is still toxic to me, still hurtful to me, both need to be let go by me. So sad, the entire tale...

Back to dear Dr. Les Carter (and his dog, Gus)... ;) I just had to share this with you all...♥ {{{{{This is my soft place to fall.}}}}} I never had one until I came here. Thanks!

Honeybera

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Tue Mar 12, 2019 3:09 am

My washer and dryer are IN THE HOUSE! And they are magnificent, if I do say so myself! :lol: MUCH bigger than my last ones...MUCH!! Looking into the dryer is like looking into a cave! And I'm going to get a "picker upper" reach aid for both the washer and dryer specifically and not to be used on anything but clean clothes. But I absolutely love them! And they fit very nicely, too, but barely. Let's say "almost snugly". I am, however, thrilled with the entire thing...PLUS...

This has given me new impetus to work on the garage!!! It is 1/4 of the way DONE now!! The old bookcase is now loaded onto the truck to be donated tomorrow morning and the old desk only has one more drawer to be sorted out to be finished and it's going to donation as well. (Two tickets for my taxes for this year.) I also have a bunch of my daughter's old clothing washed, dried, and sorted out. She left it here in 2008. :roll: So many people have used my home as a combo FREE storage space and dumping ground! :x So I'm using it to my own advantage to help offset my 2019 taxes with major donations. :P

The results of this I'd really like to share with you: with every item either finding its place in my home or to donation or into the trash, I'm feeling a growing sense of well-being and peace and undisputed self-pride (QUITE the opposite of shame and blame, by myself or others! :mrgreen: ) and FREEDOM!!! I'm about to FINALLY set up the nice new big foldable table and chair in the garage to sort through the Mystery Boxes. I have committed to DS to sort through at least one a day, cooties notwithstanding! :lol: I have my eye on one big box marked "Padron" (??) that had a bag of potting soil dumped all over the floor in front of it. I used the Shop Vac on the spillage, and now it's just me and the Box of Mystery!! It's full of nastiness and cobwebs, but I'm donning my work gloves, grabbing my Shop Vac, and going in!! Once that's cleared, we can call out the garage door repairman again to fix our garage door (he can now gain access) so we can close it with the remotes again. :mrgreen: AND I can have the electrician come out and install our RING floodlights and camera in the garage. I can hardly wait for those victories to take place!!!! :mrgreen:

I also am more forgiving of self imposed time restraints on myself. I called our garbage company today and postponed our twice yearly FREE pickup of miscellaneous items (big stuff that won't fit into our garbage cans) for a week (until March 22) because I keep finding more and more stuff that should GO NOW! Right now we are staging it in our backyard; it's looking to be a really righteous pile of trash for the street, but that extra week of garage cleaning should do the trick, and if it's not, oh well. We get this service twice a year for FREE and we get to choose whenever that is.

DS is just being a PEACH in all this!!!! What a HUGE help he's been!!!! He's right there to assist me (or just do the entire job by himself if I can't handle it) and without complaint in any form, and for that I am SO GRATEFUL!! He's also pointed out that we are officially out of muffins :o , so I'm going to go make those for him now...in Chocolate/Chocolate Chip!! YUMMY!! He deserves that!!

If anyone is reading this, please comment. Otherwise, this gets mighty lonesome.

Honeybera

dancingfish
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Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish » Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:50 am

Reading along, honeybera. :) You're doing so amazingly well! Really, well done - and not just with the physical hard work, but the really hard things like letting go of shame, processing old memories and giving yourself the time you need to do things. :) That's nurturing, rather than criticising!

Wanted to say thank you too for sharing Les Carter's name - I've been working on understanding narcissists (in my case, both my abusers/parents :sigh:), and this has helped me a lot. I've also recently been able to look into Pete Walker's book, and I seem to be at just the right point for this providing some beautiful insights. Our inner/outer critics can really do a number on us, can't they. :) Thank you for your pointers to these resources, though!

I'm not sure I ever posted to say I was sorry to hear Mrs T had passed - she was a lovely ol' dog, and you both gave her so much love and care - particularly in her last days. I think sometimes that's the measure of a person, too - how much love they can show another (and themselves I guess ;) ).

Wishing you well with your continued tidying, refurbishing, and garden growing! I have a bunch of potted plants that could do with some fresh soil and the moss removing so the new plants have some space to breathe..! :D

And if you can, do share what's hidden away in the "Padron" box - I'm quite curious now!

Take care honeybera, and keep that positive attitude shining whenever you can! It'll see you through. :) And you are definitely not alone! (I'll try to post a bit more, been a bit stuck in hiding of late. ;) )

honeybera
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Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Mon Mar 18, 2019 8:08 am

OMG!!! dancingfish, I wrote a big long post to you and it got erased! :x I'm so sorry.

What did I say? I wrote it yesterday.
dancingfish wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:50 am
Reading along, honeybera. :) You're doing so amazingly well! Really, well done - and not just with the physical hard work, but the really hard things like letting go of shame, processing old memories and giving yourself the time you need to do things. :) That's nurturing, rather than criticising!
I'm so glad to know that you're there reading along. :mrgreen: You have no idea what perfect timing that post was for me. Thank you for this! I really need the support right now.
dancingfish wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:50 am
Wanted to say thank you too for sharing Les Carter's name - I've been working on understanding narcissists (in my case, both my abusers/parents :sigh:), and this has helped me a lot. I've also recently been able to look into Pete Walker's book, and I seem to be at just the right point for this providing some beautiful insights. Our inner/outer critics can really do a number on us, can't they. :) Thank you for your pointers to these resources, though!
You are most welcome! I am so glad to know that someone else can get something out of this kind and wise T. And he's giving away this wonderful education regarding all aspects of narcissism (and especially being the victim thereof) for FREE! I can't beat a deal like that!! :mrgreen:

What I'm getting out of this education is that I should NOT NOT NOT blame myself (since the damaged life-view belongs to MD, not to ME!), and that I need to get off my own back about "being less than" because that is merely what was taught to me from birth on. I was not defective in any way. I was cute and not "UGLY!!", as MD shrieked at me constantly whenever we were alone. I had a beautiful head of straight, white blonde hair, so she permed it with Toni Home Perms so it was curly. (What! Straight hair is not ok????) I hated those drippy, caustic, eye-watering, stenchy perms so badly. It started when I was barely able to walk yet. Very little. She'd do this to me from ages 1-5. What's wrong with straight blonde hair? But she told me that I was REALLY UGLY and that nothing about me was pretty.

She complained about my "BIG nose", ridiculing me all through my childhood and even adulthood, but my nose is NORMAL! It was her incessant need to feel superior to everyone, even (and especially) ME! My "pot belly" was ALSO a constant source of mean-spirited ridicule, but I'm finding out recently that having a pot belly/apple shape is a definite sign of Insulin Resistance (precursor to Type 2 diabetes), even in my childhood and probably brought on by spikes in cortisol (the stress hormone [fight or flight] due to the constant abuse) which then spikes insulin production (the first spikes the second), giving me a pot belly even as a kid, and then MD shaming me for having one!! CHECKMATE (in her well orchestrated game of "Gotcha")!! It's no wonder that I have problems with a good self image and why even getting my ears re-pierced and buying some pretty new dresses recently is such a big deal with me.

But now, after having watched Dr. Carter's YouTube videos, I am beginning to UNDERSTAND what portion of this is on HER and what portion is on ME, and guess what? I OWN NONE OF THIS INSANITY!!! She, as the adult and my mother, owns the ENTIRE THING!!!!!! Even though I was the recipient of every blow and mind game and undermining of my sanity by her, I didn't do it. SHE DID!!! "To make herself feel better"! What ANSWERS AND INSIGHTS Dr. Carter has given to me (for FREE!) and stated "in a nutshell" that I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR ANYTHING, that it was always MD!! And what a freeing gift that is!! Bless him for sitting down in his office with his dog, Gus, by his side and taking the time to share this online for me to stumble across and benefit so greatly from it. Maybe I should write to him and thank him. He has literally changed my life.

I'm glad he's helping you, too. {{{{{dancingfish}}}}}
dancingfish wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:50 am
I'm not sure I ever posted to say I was sorry to hear Mrs T had passed - she was a lovely ol' dog, and you both gave her so much love and care - particularly in her last days. I think sometimes that's the measure of a person, too - how much love they can show another (and themselves I guess ;) ).
Thank you so much. It's funny: I cried gallons when she passed, but it was almost a relief. It was her time to go, good old pup that she was. And she'd been failing for well over a year. I cannot comprehend losing a human family member that way. Alzheimer's is really brutal, but I'd had a lot of time to accept her "going" and to grieve over that. Butterbutt was different because it was so sudden. Thank you so much for your kind words for us. ♥♥♥dancingfish♥♥♥
dancingfish wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:50 am
Wishing you well with your continued tidying, refurbishing, and garden growing! I have a bunch of potted plants that could do with some fresh soil and the moss removing so the new plants have some space to breathe..! :D

And if you can, do share what's hidden away in the "Padron" box - I'm quite curious now!
Oh thank you!! I've been really busy tackling that HUGE job out there in the garage and the front yard mowing. Tonight (after dark in the garage) :? I was moving some filthy, nasty items from the top of a large and empty storage cabinet out there that I guess no one ever thought of filling up (actually a blessing now, come to think of it) :mrgreen: These things were piled up on top of it there clear back in Aug. 2001!! No one informed the cooties yet of the coming eviction from their home of 18 yrs. and one (a medium sized Black Widow spider) crawled rapidly out of an item that I'd just moved. :o So I squished him (or her) with my gloved hand and quit for the evening. YIKES! :shock: Tomorrow I'm going to Home Depot for some dead bolts (for the front door and my bedroom door) AND some fresher bug bombs for the garage. It apparently did not work well enough with this last one, and the crumbled and cobweb infested "Patton" fan box (not "Padron" - I was wrong, but it's just as creepy) that was used for moving may be holding the granddaddy cootie of them all :oops: ; it is high on the list to be completed once we bug bomb again. To use a bug bomb, we do have to turn off our GAS water heater and have our utility company come back out to relight the pilot, but to not have to squish another Black Widow spider again out there is well worth it! EEeeewwwww!!! :shock:

On the top of "Patton" box are some Xmas lights that I'm not sure that work. We don't decorate for the holidays, at least not yet. It won't be someone else's agenda if we do, but our own, DS's and mine. We don't do the "gift" thing since I see that as more for businesses than for kindnesses towards others. Maybe next Xmas we (or I) could do something kind to serve our community. We'll see. It seems that "letting go" of MD is kind of opening my heart, but not foolishly.

========================(Friday)
dancingfish wrote:
Tue Mar 12, 2019 9:50 am
And you are definitely not alone! (I'll try to post a bit more, been a bit stuck in hiding of late. ;) )
It's funny: I got a call from my cousin R this afternoon. I was sleeping, but was awakened and heard who was calling on my TV (it alerts us as to who is calling) and was thrilled that cousin R was calling me!!!!!! Bleary eyed, I called him back immediately on my cell phone! He said to me, "Oh, it's you! I miscalled you by accident." (Can you hear my balloon deflating? :cry: ) The last call I got was MONTHS AND MONTHS ago from a coworker from my old job, and she had accidentally "butt-called" me, too. She, like my cousin, said that she'd call me back, and yet she never has. That really hurts.

My dear cousin worked for about 3 decades as a building contractor for the county that he lives in, and I'm about to begin a project in my front yard. I want a sturdily built, free-standing 16'x30' patio roof (as a slanted base for solar panels - it will face due south), a wooden and wrought iron fence around it with nice gates, and paving stones underneath it. I also want that same fencing to replace the old fencing separating the front and back yards and moving the fence out towards the street by about 10', giving me that much more backyard. I know exactly what it is that I want, but I have NEVER done anything like this before! And I'm scared to proceed with a project of this magnitude without any advice. I know that my cousin must "get" this. I know that my brother probably does, too. When I asked my cousin about it, he side-stepped and sent me to Home Adviser. But how will I know who to trust and who not to??? I could go to Home Adviser (or Yelp) myself, but it's once I get there and experienced people (both good and bad) size me up and make their well-oiled sales pitches. I'm really like a good deal, but what if...???!!! I feel like I'm on "The Price Is Right", but with less idea of what things like this cost than the contestants, and what I have to lose if I make a WRONG CHOICE is my little nest egg, my life savings! I have to be extremely careful with this! I want it done right the first time.

If it gets built to my specifications, it will be GRAND, and make my property value SOAR! I have certain things that have to be done first and in an exact order, like the posts for the fence and the wooden 8"x8"roof supports have to go in first before the paving stones. It's just logical. I have the fence already picked out and a guy who lives about 2 hours away from here can do it. I also know who's going to do the paving stones. It's just the general contractor and the free standing patio guy that I need to contact/find. Once I do that and (s)he gets the permits, I'm starting it!! :mrgreen: I hope no one tries to take advantage of me!!!

Perhaps I should begin with a thorough research via the internet. Like how much does each project cost other people? I currently have NO IDEA, and that is a very unenviable position to be in (read: GREEN AS GRASS!!!!), SO easily taken advantage of by a shark swimming by and smelling blood! :oops: I'm going to need lots of bids, too, and none of this $$$$$ just to come out and look and give a bid. I want FREE BIDS! :|

But I guess that I won't be getting advice and/or help from family or tender encouragement from all of my non-existent friends. <heavy sigh!> I might get a call IF they accidentally butt-call me or "push the WRONG button", BUT that doesn't often happen. It's really hard to not to get my feelings hurt by that, it really is. :oops:

I'd like to get to bed tonight. DS is home, so I'm not as ill-at-ease as I usually am, but I've put getting my new dead bolt locks on my doors as a top priority. I still haven't gotten out to the garage today, and tomorrow I'm finishing the weedeating out front since a neighbor's house is for sale (again) and I think the realtors are calling the city to complain if my front yard weeds aren't mowed down to their liking. No problem this time, though - I'm almost done now anyway. So nuts to them! :P

Thanks for being there for me to write to. Otherwise, this gets to be like Solitary Confinement!

Honeybera

dancingfish
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Posts: 400
Joined: Sat Dec 20, 2014 9:39 pm

Re: Letting go

Post by dancingfish » Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:05 am

I'm a bit out of words right now, but still here reading honeybera! Thank you for your lovely reply (sorry to hear your other one was lost, so frustrating!) too.

I think you'll be able to work out your new projects just fine - you're pretty resourceful, you know! :) You'll also know when you're comfortable with something, and are happy to proceed. You can research, get quotes, ask on suitable internet forums, and all sorts of other ways I'm sure you know all about! :)

With R., it may be that he's just out of spoons (that metaphor for the internal resources you have to spare for looking after yourself, immediate dependants, dealing with life, etc.). I know it's difficult not to be called back, particularly when someone says they will though. Perhaps, with the being directed to Home Advisor, he was doing what he could do - instead of making promises he can't keep, he's gently letting you know that he can't do that one extra thing right now? I know it's hard, and can feel like outright rejection, particularly when we want to build relationships and have some help too, but could it be he's respecting you too, in a way? Just a thought that may help. :) I remember someone once telling me, when I was fretting whether I'd said or done something bad to a friend, that they'd learnt "It's rarely about you - it's probably about them", because that is how we often work as humans. :) Still, I do hear that it was hurtful! I think it's more difficult when there are old feelings of being pushed away it can touch upon, too. Perhaps it could have been said in a kinder way, at least. Sometimes I say the missing kind things to myself in any case, and that can help a bit - if okay to say. :)

Well, hope that weedeating goes okay! And the bug-bombing - you'll get there! :) Wishing you well honeybera, and many good wishes winging their way to you!

Fleur
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Posts: 12976
Joined: Wed Jul 20, 2011 9:23 am

Re: Letting go

Post by Fleur » Sun Mar 24, 2019 9:58 am

Thinking of you and your son honeybera

Have been in absentia for a bit from iSurvive

Really happy for you to have free resources helping you to let go


Much caring
Onward to a safe community for all people in which to thrive ~ gentle hugs [if okay] ~ Fleur

honeybera
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Posts: 843
Joined: Fri Sep 26, 2014 8:32 am

Re: Letting go

Post by honeybera » Sun Mar 24, 2019 2:40 pm

Hey dancingfish! :mrgreen:
dancingfish wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:05 am
I'm a bit out of words right now, but still here reading honeybera! Thank you for your lovely reply (sorry to hear your other one was lost, so frustrating!) too.
Yes, and I almost lost the one I sent, too. I've got to be more careful! But I often write when the mood strikes me, pausing and adding to it for days sometimes. Glad you thought the reply was lovely. I write from the heart (as I heal).
dancingfish wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:05 am
With R., it may be that he's just out of spoons (that metaphor for the internal resources you have to spare for looking after yourself, immediate dependants, dealing with life, etc.). I know it's difficult not to be called back, particularly when someone says they will though. Perhaps, with the being directed to Home Advisor, he was doing what he could do - instead of making promises he can't keep, he's gently letting you know that he can't do that one extra thing right now?
Duly noted...the thing is that he was not intending to call me. It was a mistake to call me, not a deliberate kind and loving action. He did take a minute for me (he's a kind person), but "the boys" were waiting for him to call the parts store and get what they needed, so he kind of brushed me off. I also jumped at the call, thinking that he had taken the time to call me the day before his birthday (invite to a birthday party?? - Oh. :oops: The call was an accident.) Even my favorite cousin has let me down. I wonder how long I should knock on the door before I get the hint that I'm not wanted by anyone but DS. DS is in the same boat as I am. It gets really difficult to not be hurt by it or begin to feel somewhat sorry for myself when the rejection is so plainly demonstrated.

I know nothing about hiring a contractor (and not be afraid of getting ripped off) or getting permits to begin this (for me) huge project. I know what I want, but how do I get there? My now-retired cousin R worked for 45 yrs. for the county as a building contractor, ending his career as the Senior Foreman (or some such title) for the entire county. He has the experience to share (even by phone) with his oh-so-green cousin Honeybera. I'm not stupid, but I am ignorant of all things contracting. The first thing I need is to find a reliable contractor to get permits from the city and begin to build a free-standing patio roof suitable to hold up solar panels and making all the plans for this 16'x30' slanted patio roof. First thing, dig the holes for the supports for the structure, and then I'll call the fence guy to do the same. I have the fence all picked out and the guy to do it. THEN I'll have the paving stone guys come in and lay out the paving stones in a lovely pattern (probably in contrasting colors of brick red and charcoal). Then the fencing and the southward slanted patio roof with the solar panels on top can be completed. And the project will be done. But how much effort would it be to be an advisor for me? Simply give the nod or a shake of the head if I'm doing fine or getting into hot water? Otherwise, it's like the story of my life: "You're on your own, Fool! If you fail, TOUGH!" :lol: :cry: So I'm quite used to this, but over the years, fool that I am, I keep hoping for family or friends that will find me deserving enough to at least hand me some free advice or a kind and gentle ear. I guess I'm still hoping.

(Oh, forgive me! I need to share a volume right now.) This week after the turn-down by my cousin R, little turds of remembrance keep popping up to the top of my punchbowl. :roll: Old stuff. MD stuff. It's time to skim them off and dump them and let them go! It's funny: from this age I can see exactly what MD was doing (by simply turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to my troubles and not giving me a motherly warning). I was married (1st time) when I was only 18 (and barely that). MD's comment? "You're taking her off our hands? GOOD! Take her and never come back!" And she made good on that. I recall feeling that "the Iron Curtain" had slammed shut, leaving me, completely unprepared for life, on the outside looking in. I didn't know how to cook, dress myself, pay bills, or clean a house. (I still have troubles with some of those things.) My 21 yr. old husband (I think anyway) thought he was marrying my mother. :lol: Nope! Instead he got ME, "basket case" me. I wish to heck that she'd told me to get a job, ANY job, and to work outside the home, or even go to college first. That would have been a kindness. A real kindness! At 19, I had a complete nervous breakdown (clinical depression, but it wasn't diagnosed at that time - it was about 10 yrs. later that I knew it had a name) and saw my first T. What I would have given for this website!!

At 17 and freshly graduated from high school, I was given a "scholarship" (really a poorly disguised scam) from the local beauty college. They knocked off a few hundred dollars from the tuition. Remember, MD never allowed me to comb my own hair until I was nearly 13, and even then she dictated what I would wear and how my hair was fixed. I knew absolutely NOTHING about "doing hair". I eventually got pretty good at doing color, facials, and nails, but HAIR? OMG! :lol: I ended up with 1460 hrs. into it, needed 1600 hrs. to graduate, couldn't have passed the board for my license if I'd studied and STUDIED, so I dropped out, but I was married by then. God, I was so confused!!! But it must have really tickled her just thinking about what she was doing to me. I wanted to go to college and get my teacher's license and become a teacher, but MD and my wimpy father agreed (always the "united front", like I was the enemy!): they paid for beauty college (at a discounted rate, like $300-400 for the whole tuition back in the day) and that was that. Fifteen years later (in my 30s), I decided to go to college (the local JC) and graduated with HONORS :mrgreen: , BUT I got an AS degree in pre-nursing and somehow went to the local state university. UGH! :x I hated Nursing!

I forgot to say that MD had dropped out of high school months before graduating in her senior year (16 yr. old) and got married! I came along a year later to seal the deal. My father (a very brilliant man) dropped out of middle school in the 8th grade. These two lackluster educational backgrounds were a particular shame to MD. She is not proud of any of that, so she made sure that I was NOT "better than" or superior to her in school. I can remember coming home from high school LOADED with a stack of books, and she would blithely and unconcernedly ask, "Homework today?" and I would reply, "Nope." and that was that. I hated homework. It was super easy for me, but boring. And she had no true interest in helping me or assisting me. If I failed, that suited her just FINE. And that held true for the entire time I had to live with her! Her attitude was that if I failed or was sad or missed opportunities or was plagued with self doubt, she would STOKE that fire to, as she put it, "break my spirit". If I felt bad, she then felt good. And it was MY job to kowtow to her, understand "my place", and see to it that she felt good at all times!! My father had the same "job", too, and eventually my brother took my father's role. SICK!!

I am only now realizing just how true that "YOU FEEL BAD, I FEEL GOOD" attitude was! MD is anything but stupid!! She is a mean girl and she has a cruel and self centered spirit. AND SHE IS A NARCISSIST!! The good thing about this is that although I developed some weirdnesses, I also developed an inner strength that has sustained me through it all (with very little support). I guess that's why my cousin R's apparent rejection was so deeply felt. CAN I handle the solar panel/privacy project out in the front of my house? Oh hell yeah! But would it be nicer with some support? Yes again. ¡Ay! Mi sola vida. :|

Enough. That is all I had to say on that.
dancingfish wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:05 am
I remember someone once telling me, when I was fretting whether I'd said or done something bad to a friend, that they'd learnt "It's rarely about you - it's probably about them", because that is how we often work as humans. :) Still, I do hear that it was hurtful! I think it's more difficult when there are old feelings of being pushed away it can touch upon, too. Perhaps it could have been said in a kinder way, at least. Sometimes I say the missing kind things to myself in any case, and that can help a bit - if okay to say. :)
I'm glad you get it. The autism gets in my way socially, too, sometimes. But lately, I am MUCH more self forgiving and feel like I have a right to my feelings (as long as I own them and hurt no one else).
dancingfish wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:05 am
Well, hope that weedeating goes okay! And the bug-bombing - you'll get there! :)
I got the front yard entirely DONE...just before the GOUT came back! So :P to the City and their threats of $100 fines. IT IS DONE! But the backyard is a FRIGHT! Knee high weeds are EVERYWHERE. Once my toes and foot quit hurting so darned bad, it's all about me and the weedeater and a topper of straw! Everything inside under the grow lights are ready to go outside and be planted! One tomato (SunGold) lacked water and started to WILT and DROOP! Now it's standing up again. I have to just get these things (tomatoes and peppers) planted with their companion marigolds AND clean up the strawberry planters (all 5 of them), adding potting soil and fertilizer. Lots to do out there! But it brings me peace. :mrgreen:
dancingfish wrote:
Wed Mar 20, 2019 10:05 am
Wishing you well honeybera, and many good wishes winging their way to you!
I wish the same good things to you, dear dancingfish! I need to get to bed now. It's 3:30am! I need to sleep to get rid of this darned painful gout...well, that and tart cherry and celery seed. Really helps with the gout pain!

{{{{{{{{{{{dancingfish}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Honeybera

Oh hey! Fleur!!
Fleur wrote:
Sun Mar 24, 2019 9:58 am
Thinking of you and your son honeybera

Have been in absentia for a bit from iSurvive
We think of you often, dear heart! Glad you're back with us! :mrgreen:
Fleur wrote:
Sun Mar 24, 2019 9:58 am
Really happy for you to have free resources helping you to let go
If you mean Dr. Les Carter, oh he is WONDERFUL! AND FREE! :lol: I don't know your past, but if it holds a narcissist, he's your guy! He tends to unmask those folks and showed me how ol' MD manipulated me and played her games. He also demonstrates how to handle them since they will never, EVER change. I guess that means also how to gently handle oneself. Thanks for commenting. :mrgreen:

Now absolutely really off to bed! :mrgreen: My newest veggies need me up tomorrow! :lol:

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